Divorce grief
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2015
Posts: 16
Divorce grief
Hello all,
Thank you so much for the kind words in the past. These holidays have been brutal as my divorce was final on December 16th. While I feel I received some closure from my XAHB, I still don't feel vindicated. Even though he cried after our proceedings, he still could not come to admit much he did wrong. He said we were just not good for each other and never were. I asked him well then why did you marry me and he said because I loved you. He says he still loves me meanwhile he is off and in love with his girlfriend. He bought her a week long trip to Hawaii for Christmas. I sent him a text last week telling him I was struggling with the divorce and why did this have to happen. He stated that I abandoned him, I told him to move on (to other women is was that meant to him) and that I left him when he needed me most. He said it proved to him that we did the right thing. Of course it made me feel very guilty. Also when I left, he had many chances to come and see me. He made no effort whatsoever to come and see me though he said he was still fighting for our marriage at that time. It's crazy because he was already traveling, hiking and hanging out with his girlfriend then, just 2 or 3 days after I left. I keep telling myself that someday the other shoe will drop. That someday his arrogant talk will get him into trouble. He also stated that I was naive and pathetic to think that he would come get me after I left. I left to escape. I was sad, lonely and afraid of the choice but I knew I was drowning. He will be 1 year sober in a few days. I plan to text him on his 1 year anniversary and then cut off contact. While I still deeply love my X, he has pushed me as far away as he possibly could. His addiction, depression, arrogance, ego and stubborn ways have completely shut me off. He has not tried to contact me in a week and I plan to go as long as possible, maybe forever without hearing from him again. We shall see. If his relationship doesn't work out, I have a feeling I could be hearing from him but until then, I'll be living my life, addiction free and happy. His new girlfriend has no idea what she's in for! Good luck!
Thank you so much for the kind words in the past. These holidays have been brutal as my divorce was final on December 16th. While I feel I received some closure from my XAHB, I still don't feel vindicated. Even though he cried after our proceedings, he still could not come to admit much he did wrong. He said we were just not good for each other and never were. I asked him well then why did you marry me and he said because I loved you. He says he still loves me meanwhile he is off and in love with his girlfriend. He bought her a week long trip to Hawaii for Christmas. I sent him a text last week telling him I was struggling with the divorce and why did this have to happen. He stated that I abandoned him, I told him to move on (to other women is was that meant to him) and that I left him when he needed me most. He said it proved to him that we did the right thing. Of course it made me feel very guilty. Also when I left, he had many chances to come and see me. He made no effort whatsoever to come and see me though he said he was still fighting for our marriage at that time. It's crazy because he was already traveling, hiking and hanging out with his girlfriend then, just 2 or 3 days after I left. I keep telling myself that someday the other shoe will drop. That someday his arrogant talk will get him into trouble. He also stated that I was naive and pathetic to think that he would come get me after I left. I left to escape. I was sad, lonely and afraid of the choice but I knew I was drowning. He will be 1 year sober in a few days. I plan to text him on his 1 year anniversary and then cut off contact. While I still deeply love my X, he has pushed me as far away as he possibly could. His addiction, depression, arrogance, ego and stubborn ways have completely shut me off. He has not tried to contact me in a week and I plan to go as long as possible, maybe forever without hearing from him again. We shall see. If his relationship doesn't work out, I have a feeling I could be hearing from him but until then, I'll be living my life, addiction free and happy. His new girlfriend has no idea what she's in for! Good luck!
Curmudgeon, Electrical Engineer, Guitar God Wannabe
Join Date: Jan 2012
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Posts: 3,403
StrugglingWife...
I am sorry that you're having such a hard time. And yes, when something traumatic such as this happens during the holidays, it's beyond awful. I empathize with that, more than you know.
Be that as it may, however, I'm not sorry that you've divorced him. Contrary to whatever he says, you did not abandon him. He abandoned you by choosing to use drugs. He put drugs before his marriage. And in his chemically induced narcissism, he expected you to put up with it. He expected you to put up with playing second fiddle to his addiction.
Allow me to be blunt: f*ck that.
As for the new girlfriend, I would consider yourself fortunate that when that blows up -- and it will -- you'll be far outside of that particular blast radius. New relationships are always easy in the beginning. You put your best face on. You have sex. And it's low pressure. Addicts can do that for a while. But when they have to be accountable...when they have to be responsible for themselves in the context of a romantic relationship...they can't do it. You've experienced this first hand. So has someone like story74 and YogaGirl.
One more word concerning the holidays. Over the past 22 years, I've had more than my fair share of Christmas trauma, and for some time, I hated the holidays. It wasn't until 2012 that I decided hating this time of year really didn't work for me. So I started to do things that would replace my bad memories with better ones. It's not easy. It's a lot of work. But I've found it helpful to concentrate on the other relationships in my life that don't revolve around romantic love. My hope for you next year is you're open to the possibility that the holidays don't necessarily have to suck. You may not like them much, and with good reason, but it is possible to get through them in one piece.
In the meantime, do what you need to do to keep going. One moment at a time.
Happy New Year.
I am sorry that you're having such a hard time. And yes, when something traumatic such as this happens during the holidays, it's beyond awful. I empathize with that, more than you know.
Be that as it may, however, I'm not sorry that you've divorced him. Contrary to whatever he says, you did not abandon him. He abandoned you by choosing to use drugs. He put drugs before his marriage. And in his chemically induced narcissism, he expected you to put up with it. He expected you to put up with playing second fiddle to his addiction.
Allow me to be blunt: f*ck that.
As for the new girlfriend, I would consider yourself fortunate that when that blows up -- and it will -- you'll be far outside of that particular blast radius. New relationships are always easy in the beginning. You put your best face on. You have sex. And it's low pressure. Addicts can do that for a while. But when they have to be accountable...when they have to be responsible for themselves in the context of a romantic relationship...they can't do it. You've experienced this first hand. So has someone like story74 and YogaGirl.
One more word concerning the holidays. Over the past 22 years, I've had more than my fair share of Christmas trauma, and for some time, I hated the holidays. It wasn't until 2012 that I decided hating this time of year really didn't work for me. So I started to do things that would replace my bad memories with better ones. It's not easy. It's a lot of work. But I've found it helpful to concentrate on the other relationships in my life that don't revolve around romantic love. My hope for you next year is you're open to the possibility that the holidays don't necessarily have to suck. You may not like them much, and with good reason, but it is possible to get through them in one piece.
In the meantime, do what you need to do to keep going. One moment at a time.
Happy New Year.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 51
I'm so sorry to hear what you're dealing with. I empathize, I'm sitting in the courthouse parking lot waiting to go in and file for divorce, stomach in knots, wondering if I'm doing the right thing.
It sounds like a lot of what's hurting you is his callous and selfish attitude. I suggest NOT texting him, to congratulate him on sober time or anything else. His sober time or lack thereof is not your concern. So what if he's sober? He's still an ass.
And do not look to him for validation of your choice to leave. You won't find it. Instead, read your own posts, you'll find all the validation you need.
Prayers and hugs!!
It sounds like a lot of what's hurting you is his callous and selfish attitude. I suggest NOT texting him, to congratulate him on sober time or anything else. His sober time or lack thereof is not your concern. So what if he's sober? He's still an ass.
And do not look to him for validation of your choice to leave. You won't find it. Instead, read your own posts, you'll find all the validation you need.
Prayers and hugs!!
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 11,423
Vale is right. . . that's one heck of a booby prize
she's got to live with now
See what happens in the next six months or a year.
But don't focus on it--
Rebuild your own life and you'll be miles away and ahead.
You won't want or need to compare your life with his.
Really
she's got to live with now
See what happens in the next six months or a year.
But don't focus on it--
Rebuild your own life and you'll be miles away and ahead.
You won't want or need to compare your life with his.
Really
Member
Join Date: Sep 2015
Location: America
Posts: 4,136
StrugglingWife7,
I'm with Ella on the texting deal: I wouldn't bother texting him at all and I wouldn't bother congratulating him on one year sober. So he's sober for a year? Good for him. But, do what's good for you and move on with your life now, today! Be happy you are free of the jerk and that he has moved on so quickly so he won't be bothering you anymore.
Divorce is hard regardless of the time of year...but in a way, you are getting the gift of liberty and that can be cause of celebration. Divorce is both an ending and a beginning.
I'm with Ella on the texting deal: I wouldn't bother texting him at all and I wouldn't bother congratulating him on one year sober. So he's sober for a year? Good for him. But, do what's good for you and move on with your life now, today! Be happy you are free of the jerk and that he has moved on so quickly so he won't be bothering you anymore.
Divorce is hard regardless of the time of year...but in a way, you are getting the gift of liberty and that can be cause of celebration. Divorce is both an ending and a beginning.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: TX
Posts: 731
Sounds familiar here....he misbehaves, blames you, moves on, and you are stuck wondering if you did the right thing.
I agree with ZOZO f*ck that!
My husband did something similar but hasn't move on, yet, with anyone else.
He takes no responsibility for his behaviors. I am not going to wait on him to come around. Even if he did, he may NEVER be the man that I need as a partner.
I agree with ZOZO f*ck that!
My husband did something similar but hasn't move on, yet, with anyone else.
He takes no responsibility for his behaviors. I am not going to wait on him to come around. Even if he did, he may NEVER be the man that I need as a partner.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
EX means Thanks for the EXperience. Our time has EXpired. Now EXit my life.
Didn’t your mother ever teach you to give your used toys to the less fortunate!!!
Mind boundaries…..you need to stop that inner conversations you have with yourself about being owed something by him, about being vindicated, about his new girlfriend and his new life or wishes that if it doesn’t work out he’ll contact you? What are you 2nd place? Is that what you want? …………..
Fake or real his life doesn’t include you anymore unless you continue to try and be in it.
Why would you even acknowledge his 1 year sober? That’s not part of YOUR life anymore, time to let go!
Didn’t your mother ever teach you to give your used toys to the less fortunate!!!
Mind boundaries…..you need to stop that inner conversations you have with yourself about being owed something by him, about being vindicated, about his new girlfriend and his new life or wishes that if it doesn’t work out he’ll contact you? What are you 2nd place? Is that what you want? …………..
Fake or real his life doesn’t include you anymore unless you continue to try and be in it.
Why would you even acknowledge his 1 year sober? That’s not part of YOUR life anymore, time to let go!
Member
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Western US
Posts: 8,998
Hi struggling, ending a relationship like this is glow-in-the-dark painful. If there was a detachment potion, I would send you buckets of it however detachment comes with time, courage and changing how you think and how you live.
Start putting some no-contact-with-XAH time together even if it means committing to just 10 minutes at a time of not contacting him. Fill this time the best you can with healthy, self-care activities. Exercise, eat-healthy and follow any tickle of interest you have (music, art, sewing, woodworking, belly dancing, learn to play poker, ANYTHING!). I actually speak fairly decent Spanish due to my BF of 5 years getting in to meth.
Please let us know how it is going.
Start putting some no-contact-with-XAH time together even if it means committing to just 10 minutes at a time of not contacting him. Fill this time the best you can with healthy, self-care activities. Exercise, eat-healthy and follow any tickle of interest you have (music, art, sewing, woodworking, belly dancing, learn to play poker, ANYTHING!). I actually speak fairly decent Spanish due to my BF of 5 years getting in to meth.
Please let us know how it is going.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2014
Posts: 412
Originally Posted by Bekindalways 
Hi struggling, ending a relationship like this is glow-in-the-dark painful. If there was a detachment potion, I would send you buckets of it however detachment comes with time, courage and changing how you think and how you live.
Start putting some no-contact-with-XAH time together even if it means committing to just 10 minutes at a time of not contacting him. Fill this time the best you can with healthy, self-care activities. Exercise, eat-healthy and follow any tickle of interest you have (music, art, sewing, woodworking, belly dancing, learn to play poker, ANYTHING!). I actually speak fairly decent Spanish due to my BF of 5 years getting in to meth.
Please let us know how it is going.
Start putting some no-contact-with-XAH time together even if it means committing to just 10 minutes at a time of not contacting him. Fill this time the best you can with healthy, self-care activities. Exercise, eat-healthy and follow any tickle of interest you have (music, art, sewing, woodworking, belly dancing, learn to play poker, ANYTHING!). I actually speak fairly decent Spanish due to my BF of 5 years getting in to meth.
Please let us know how it is going.
What a positive spin on a hard situation.
Thanks.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2015
Posts: 16
I made it through the holidays. Phew! I did think of him New Year's Eve at the stroke of midnight but I also thought I was happy that I was not crying like last year. I'm hoping for a better 2016 and really looking forward to living a life free of addiction. I have been already but sometimes it still seems surreal that I got away pretty unscathed by years and years of turmoil and anguish from an addict. Sure I still need to work on my co-dependency, I still feel guilt but slowly, very slowly I am letting go a little more every day. Because of our last conversation I have easily gone almost 2 weeks with no contact. I am not pathetic or a loser as he thinks I am and I would not give him the satisfaction to think so. Thanks again always for the kind words. I feel like this new phase of life is a blessing in disguise and put me back on my path to greatness. Always happy to hear your advice and comments.
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Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 250
Originally Posted by Strugglingwife7
I made it through the holidays. Phew!
Also, remember that even though he may be sober, it doesn't necessarily mean that he's in recovery. True recovery means learning from your mistakes, making amends and trying to become a better person. It doesn't sound like your ex is doing any of these things. The farther away you are from him, the better off you'll be.
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