borgs7

Hey guys my ABF just threw a major fit . He asked why we don't live together and I said because you are not sober. I want to live with you but not until you are sober and have been working in a recovery program for yourself to get healthy. He said this is an ultimatum and this is never going to happen . You just ruined this relationship with your ultimatum. I said this is a boundary to keep us healthy and safe. He flipped out and said he hopes everyone around me dies. So I just got off the phone . He sent a message saying let everyone know we broke up because of your ultimatum. My questions is this , is what I said an ultimatum or a boundary when I told him I wouldn't live with him unless he was in some program. If I am wrong how could I have said it differently? I don't want it to sound like an ultimatum but I can't live with him like that. We are together now in his active addiction but I have my own place and so does he but so many things constantly go wrong in his life. Especially now in his active addiction. Any thoughts will help. Thanks guys

UnfoldingWings

It is definitely NOT an ultimatum and it is healthy. Stand your ground and don't engage in any negative or dramatic stuff that gets thrown your way. I just finished a great book called "The Dance of Anger" by Harriet Lerner. really great and discusses what you are experiencing in detail. Good luck

greeteachday

Boundaries are about you. Ultimatums are about trying to change someone - "do this or else." It sounds to me as if you do not want to live with him while he is not sober because you don't want to deal with his mess. That sounds pretty healthy to me. It's not unusual for our loved ones who use to deflect. No matter how you say it, if he doesn't want to stop, it is going to be "wrong" in his eyes. Sorry that he is not ready, but glad that you are not getting more wrapped up in problems he has the ability to change.

Priscilla84

That was most definitely, 100%, no doubt about it a healthy, sensible, mature boundary. His reaction proves he isn't capable of thinking maturely and sensibly right now. Do not second guess yourself. Even if it WERE an unfair ultimatum, he would have had a rational discussion about it if he were in a healthy state of mind.

zoso77

As I am on the road and not near my computer, I can't comment on this the way I normally would. Give me a day and I'll share my thoughts on this.

Hawkeye13

His reaction should tell you all you need to know about what
cohabitating with him would be like for you.

You were wise to make that boundary, and it seems clear
he's not interested in real recovery.
What do you want for the future for yourself?
This may be as good as he gets as addiction is progressive. . .

The following is a quote from your first post here--

" I've never been in this type of situation and I catch myself forgetting who I am. I have been trying to be good to myself but I hold out the hope that I will see him daily like I used to, but then he's too busy doing what he's doing and only remembers me when his day is done and I feel just lonely waiting . It's like we are on his time frame and I'm
Supposed to suck it up and wait . I know I have a choice but the letting go for me is the hardest. I keep saying I can't do this anymore. I can't be treated this way anymore but yet I'm
Still here.. So discouraging . Almost 3 years of this . "

You sure don't sound like you are getting your needs met in this relationship.
Why be there for someone who hasn't been there for you for a very long time?

doggonecarl

Sounds like the ultimate boundery...and one long coming. But it's only an ultimatum if you don't back down. Give in and he'll walk all over you.

borgs7

It's just discouraging . He sent a message to the mother of his child and I saw it online . I guess she's going through health things , she hates him and calls him awful names yet he messaged her at midnight after we spent the evening together . Telling her. " sorry this is happening to you, I Wish there was something I could do for you to realize how wonderful you are" I just saw it an hour after we got into the whole ultimatum conversation which makes me wonder if he's deciding to stay with me or go back to her after 4 years of us being together . I go to Naranon , seek therapy and pray , I don't do drugs I encourage him and I am supportive of his positive traits but I just feel like I get stepped on when everyone else is so bad to him .

AnvilheadII

he wants the next soft place to land where he can keep doing EXACTLY what he wants without any rules, boundaries or ultimatums. since you said the word every addict hates - NO - he just went to the next known female he might be able to manipulate.

it is SO not personal. but it does expose how he views YOU....in the same way he does every other person on the planet....what can they do for HIM.

he's an active addict. who needs that??? seriously.

JOIE12

unfortunately, we cannot have a real relationship with someone in active addiction nor for at least a year after that.

They throw us crumbs and we happily embrace each one, as if our life depends upon it. It won't save them. It won't help them. It won't allow them to see what we wish they would. It hurts. It hurts a lot. And we get stuck in this merry go round .... why do we expect something different if nothing changed ?

I'm an advocate of letting go ... and no communication. The relationship is broken because of the choices he made and continues to make each day.

I'm sorry that this pain is there for you every day, been there. But I can say that by the time I decided that I could not be around anymore, it was too late for my exABF. I waited too long.

Best wishes to you, Hugs, Joie

healthyagain

I would call it a "principle." It is how you perceive a relationship , and you will not settle for less. I think it is very healthy. So yes, you may call it a boundary. A very strong boundary.

And there is nothing wrong with ultimatums when you are serious about them. Ultimatums are not ok if you use them as scare tactics and for manipulation. But in your case, you clearly stated what you expected of him and the relationship. Nothing wrong with that.

cynical one

"*I* will not live with someone in active addiction" is a boundary. It is a complete sentence and requires no further explanation.
Boundaries are for you, about you, put the onus on you, and are *I* statements.

Anything that includes *you* must, *you* should, *you* need to, *you* can't, *you etc. are rules.

borgs7

Thank you all! I appreciate your insight to all this . I never intended on catching him messaging his baby's mom. I don't want to compete, I don't want to change who he is . I just can't live with someone in active addiction , I've already tolerated someone in active addiction and his actions and behavior are just gut wrenching and break my heart into pieces . I wish I would just move on .. I've let go so many times just haven't moved on ... I thought he was the love of my life at one point .... I guess I was so wrong

JOIE12

borgs ... I did too. He meant the world to me, but I ignored that he had changed. The man that I knew was not coming back.

Eventually I left, but it was too late in the game.

HE chose to leave this world.
He's never coming back.
What a hole that left in so many lives.

Please take care of yourself. I wish you peace with your decision. The pain will end when you say 'enough'. Hugs to you, Joie

zoso77

And now that I'm at my computer, as promised:

This is unintentionally hilarious. If we follow the logic, the problem is not the fact that he's an addict. It's the fact that you're not willing to tolerate the fact he's an addict and all the mishegoss that accompanies it. At best, this exhibits an epic lack of self awareness on his part. And it also reveals he's got the emotional maturity of a six year old; he wants what he wants, period, and he doesn't care about how it affects you.

Allow me to be direct. Ditch him. Lose him. Put him in your rearview mirror. He's not the sort of guy you want to hitch your wagon to, for as Hawkeye noted above me, this offers a preview of what live under the same roof would be with him. And that's a life you don't want.

borgs7

You are right Zoso. All of you are . He called today and said it wasn't a big deal he messaged the mother of his child saying he wishes she could see how wonderful she is . He's all what's wrong with that ? You and I are just friends . I said no we aren't and no we haven't been just friends . You got busted for making unnecessary compliments . I said If she is suffering an illness , pray for her offer to pick up your daughter more often but don't compliment her . I said maybe you need to be with her because clearly I don't accept living with an active addict and he said you are your own worst enemy . I don't see anything wrong messaging the mother of
My daughter . Mind you he's been bashing her for 4 years that even known each other . It's such a toxic mind game and so immature

Hawkeye13

So, are you going to keep engaging an active heroin addict hoping
they'll be logical, reasonable, or make any kind of sense?

You do see how pointless this is and a waste of your energy?
Bring the focus back to you and healing yourself.
The one that hurts you will not be the one to heal you. . .

JOIE12

he is manipulating you. I would guess, he is manipulating her too.

It's tough when children are involved but you need to be away from this twisted game.

I remember how easy and how slowly I was drawn into a place where I allowed things that I never would have. It hurt. I wasn't taking care of myself and I was teaching him that it was okay to treat women like that.

and then it ended and I have not missed that mess since.
I didn't fight back, I let go.

Love yourself enough to go no contact.

Bekindalways

This >>>>> "Love yourself enough to go no contact."

Although, we all know how hard it is Borg, if you can do it, please get away and stay away from this man. Being in a relationship with an addict is a bit like trying to waltz with someone having an epileptic seizure.

thequest

Sounds like he interpreted your boundary as an ultimatum. Stick to it. Don't let it turn into a negotiation especially it's been going on for 3 years. Remember alkies /addicts are manipulative and are frequently like a predator looking for a weaker person or situation to exploit or manipulate to their advantage.

Also I've learned over the years it's not always the substance that controls the individuals. Inhibitions or impulse controls are frequently lowered so in some respects you get the see real person and/or their opinions, attitudes etc. Sounds like he already had a vindictive streak.

Stay safe , do not engage.

Peace