My husband has turned cold, advise please
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Join Date: Dec 2015
Location: cambridge
Posts: 5
My husband has turned cold, advise please
We met ten years ago, were best friends for 3 I supported him through a bad breakup when he found his ex on the sofa with their coke dealer,he was heartbroken and she has always wanted him back. then we got together, he lost his licence to drink driving as he had rolled the car with the kids in, and so I took him to work and drove him around.
it hasnt been easy, infact its been really hard, he has two children by two different mums and used drink and weed as his crutch, four years ago I was diagnosed with the big C , he was a rock, he didnt drink as much then, then we got engaged 2 years ago yesterday and married 18 months ago, I have always been in charge, it was my house we moved into as a couple and I like things done properly ,I run my own business and we set him up with his own, he was doing so well until...... excess drinking and smoking weed is ok once in a while but it was getting out of hand, my standards slipped as keeping the house smelling from weed is not easy when you have it around all the time, he would moan that it didnt smell and what was I on about.and he would get so nasty, we would have trouble when his children came and it all got silly when social workers told him not to take his son home one weekend as they wanted us to have him,( his mum is drug dependant) he kept taking him home and then finally announced hed had an affair with the boys mum, I kicked him out and made him get his own place, I also said the drink and drugs had to be addressed as I couldnt have him back if not, he started AA and then had a few relapses which he didnt tell me about, One he did tell me as it happened , I had to go and tuck him into bed, and make sure he was alive, he didnt know I had even been there next day,
anyway he started at last as the social worker put him on supervised access at our family home because I told her about his drugs and drinking . attends AA at least 4 nights a week, takes his children to his parents and has been clean for nearly 7 weeks of both drugs and drink, but he has changed, hes cold, two weeks ago he said he wants a divorce, wants to be friends as I am his best friend in the world and we have years as friends ahead of us, he wants to be on his own . I feel totally heartbroken, he says hes found really good friends at AA and that hes helping people and they are heping him. please help me understand
it hasnt been easy, infact its been really hard, he has two children by two different mums and used drink and weed as his crutch, four years ago I was diagnosed with the big C , he was a rock, he didnt drink as much then, then we got engaged 2 years ago yesterday and married 18 months ago, I have always been in charge, it was my house we moved into as a couple and I like things done properly ,I run my own business and we set him up with his own, he was doing so well until...... excess drinking and smoking weed is ok once in a while but it was getting out of hand, my standards slipped as keeping the house smelling from weed is not easy when you have it around all the time, he would moan that it didnt smell and what was I on about.and he would get so nasty, we would have trouble when his children came and it all got silly when social workers told him not to take his son home one weekend as they wanted us to have him,( his mum is drug dependant) he kept taking him home and then finally announced hed had an affair with the boys mum, I kicked him out and made him get his own place, I also said the drink and drugs had to be addressed as I couldnt have him back if not, he started AA and then had a few relapses which he didnt tell me about, One he did tell me as it happened , I had to go and tuck him into bed, and make sure he was alive, he didnt know I had even been there next day,
anyway he started at last as the social worker put him on supervised access at our family home because I told her about his drugs and drinking . attends AA at least 4 nights a week, takes his children to his parents and has been clean for nearly 7 weeks of both drugs and drink, but he has changed, hes cold, two weeks ago he said he wants a divorce, wants to be friends as I am his best friend in the world and we have years as friends ahead of us, he wants to be on his own . I feel totally heartbroken, he says hes found really good friends at AA and that hes helping people and they are heping him. please help me understand
Last edited by Redtractor; 12-25-2015 at 08:33 AM. Reason: adding
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Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Western US
Posts: 8,982
Welcome Retractor. This is a great site with many wise folks.
Many of us have been in relationships with addicts/alcoholics and understand the excruciating pain of these relationships. The best thing you can do to improve the situation is to take care of yourself. If possible, find a Alanon meeting to attend. Also read the stickies and the threads here.
Many of us have been in relationships with addicts/alcoholics and understand the excruciating pain of these relationships. The best thing you can do to improve the situation is to take care of yourself. If possible, find a Alanon meeting to attend. Also read the stickies and the threads here.
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Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Mmmmmm
Posts: 3,178
Welcome to SR red tractor!
I think your answers are actually within you. You sound like a very successful person! So why did you fall for such a needy partner? Why did you let all of his drama and dependency into your life? Why did you legally marry this guy with all the red flags strewn about? Answer yourself these questions and you'll be on your way!
Al Anon and Codependent No More by Melody Beattie were excellent resources for me when I started to piece together the mess my life was in.
I think your answers are actually within you. You sound like a very successful person! So why did you fall for such a needy partner? Why did you let all of his drama and dependency into your life? Why did you legally marry this guy with all the red flags strewn about? Answer yourself these questions and you'll be on your way!
Al Anon and Codependent No More by Melody Beattie were excellent resources for me when I started to piece together the mess my life was in.
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Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: Los Angeles, CA
Posts: 316
Dear Redtractor, I am sorry you are hurting right now, especially at Christmas. My heart goes out to you. Your husband gets his act together and NOW he wants a divorce? Gee, thanks.
If you'll bear with me, I'm going to take the liberty of quoting some of your message.
"I supported him through a bad breakup."
"I drove him around."
"I have always been in charge."
"I have my own business and we set him up . . ."
"I had to go and tuck him into bed . . ."
"When I was diagnosed with the big C, he was a rock and didn't drink as much then."
"He's attending four AAs a week, taking his kids to his parents . . . hasn't drunk or smoked for 7 weeks."
"He says he's helping people and they are helping him."
Do you see what I see? At what times has he been motivated to step up to the plate and be a responsible person?
During my first marriage, I wound up being the breadwinner due to XH's "bad back." I took care of everything, paid all the bills, paid for my husband to go to school to get a new career (didn't happen), paid for him to take classes and test to become an emergency-credentialed teacher ( he passed the test but decided he didn't "like" the job and took a much lower paying job instead that allowed him to come home during the day and drink and smoke pot and watch porno.) I could go on but I know you can fill in the details of my life. So I told him I'd had enough and wanted a divorce. He moved out. He stopped smoking. He stopped drinking. The lazy man that couldn't be bothered to take dishes out of the rinse water after washing them and put them in the dish drainer amazingly found the energy and drive to hire one of the meanest divorce attorneys in town, show up at every hearing, fight tooth and nail for every cent he felt he had coming to him . . . he showed more initiative during the divorce than I'd seen in 20 years of marriage. Hmmm. I thought, dang, how come he couldn't have that drive when I was married to him? I guess because he didn't need to. I was so busy taking care of everything, trying to fix him, telling him what a lazy, useless and drunk stoner husband he was (but still paying the bills and giving him spending money) why would he change? As a side note, I'll tell you one thing for sure: Shaming doesn't work. Not at all. Not one bit. It would work on me because I'm codependent . But not him. What I learned is that sometimes alcoholic people don't take care of their business until there's no one else who will do it for them, and if given the opportunity, they'll let themselves be "taken care of " again.
If your husband came back home today, how do you envision things? Would you let him have an equal vote in "running things"? Would you take your hands off the wheel and let him take care of his own kids and his own business without offering unsolicited advice or feeling almost compelled to step in and show him how it's done? Would you be checking the house for hidden booze/pot, checking the garbage, for empties, smelling his clothes and his breath to reassure yourself? Checking to see if he's screwing around? I used to. How do you think your husband would answer those questions? I would echo BeKindAlways' urging to read the stickys, read the 12 steps for Alanon, go to an Alanon meeting, and take care of you. You deserve peace and happiness. There are some truly wise people on this site that have been through your same circumstances. In reading a lot of their posts, I have seen my own life - so much easier to get clarity - and had a couple "lightbulb" moments. I have benefited from their sharing and their experience. I wish you well.
If you'll bear with me, I'm going to take the liberty of quoting some of your message.
"I supported him through a bad breakup."
"I drove him around."
"I have always been in charge."
"I have my own business and we set him up . . ."
"I had to go and tuck him into bed . . ."
"When I was diagnosed with the big C, he was a rock and didn't drink as much then."
"He's attending four AAs a week, taking his kids to his parents . . . hasn't drunk or smoked for 7 weeks."
"He says he's helping people and they are helping him."
Do you see what I see? At what times has he been motivated to step up to the plate and be a responsible person?
During my first marriage, I wound up being the breadwinner due to XH's "bad back." I took care of everything, paid all the bills, paid for my husband to go to school to get a new career (didn't happen), paid for him to take classes and test to become an emergency-credentialed teacher ( he passed the test but decided he didn't "like" the job and took a much lower paying job instead that allowed him to come home during the day and drink and smoke pot and watch porno.) I could go on but I know you can fill in the details of my life. So I told him I'd had enough and wanted a divorce. He moved out. He stopped smoking. He stopped drinking. The lazy man that couldn't be bothered to take dishes out of the rinse water after washing them and put them in the dish drainer amazingly found the energy and drive to hire one of the meanest divorce attorneys in town, show up at every hearing, fight tooth and nail for every cent he felt he had coming to him . . . he showed more initiative during the divorce than I'd seen in 20 years of marriage. Hmmm. I thought, dang, how come he couldn't have that drive when I was married to him? I guess because he didn't need to. I was so busy taking care of everything, trying to fix him, telling him what a lazy, useless and drunk stoner husband he was (but still paying the bills and giving him spending money) why would he change? As a side note, I'll tell you one thing for sure: Shaming doesn't work. Not at all. Not one bit. It would work on me because I'm codependent . But not him. What I learned is that sometimes alcoholic people don't take care of their business until there's no one else who will do it for them, and if given the opportunity, they'll let themselves be "taken care of " again.
If your husband came back home today, how do you envision things? Would you let him have an equal vote in "running things"? Would you take your hands off the wheel and let him take care of his own kids and his own business without offering unsolicited advice or feeling almost compelled to step in and show him how it's done? Would you be checking the house for hidden booze/pot, checking the garbage, for empties, smelling his clothes and his breath to reassure yourself? Checking to see if he's screwing around? I used to. How do you think your husband would answer those questions? I would echo BeKindAlways' urging to read the stickys, read the 12 steps for Alanon, go to an Alanon meeting, and take care of you. You deserve peace and happiness. There are some truly wise people on this site that have been through your same circumstances. In reading a lot of their posts, I have seen my own life - so much easier to get clarity - and had a couple "lightbulb" moments. I have benefited from their sharing and their experience. I wish you well.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: USA
Posts: 574
what part of you does not depend upon 'you' ? what part of you needs someone who is incapable of giving you love and commitment ?
you seem to know what you want and what he 'isn't' - let that sink in and take all the steps necessary to remove him from your life. Often we bring about our own misery. I know, I've been there.
Hugs to you
Joie
you seem to know what you want and what he 'isn't' - let that sink in and take all the steps necessary to remove him from your life. Often we bring about our own misery. I know, I've been there.
Hugs to you
Joie
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2015
Location: cambridge
Posts: 5
Thankyou guys, I am getting there, he came round last week and asked me on a date to the pictures, we went and had a lovely time, he then came round on new years eve, again we had a lovely time,until I asked him if he had got a sponser yet and he nearly took my head off saying, 2 why ask that today ?why would you ask that ? i replied that he had told me he had asked a couple of people whom had said no because they hadnt managed to stay sober ! he left with us both saying we loved each other ,I had hope, the next morning my daughter who is 21 spoke to him and asked if he wanted to get back together, he answered her by saying I was nasty , I had taken revenge on him and his ex because I had spoken to the social workers about him drinking and smoking, and that I had forced him into marriage and that he wanted to be friends only now, but he still loved me. My daughter at once told him to stay away, I feel better now knowing that is what he thinks of me, and why would he want to be friends with somone he thought so little of. I am reading lots and will be attending another meeting on thursday, I am looking forward to it, I am starting to feel stronger and look forward to getting myself sorted and stronger again.
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