SorroW22

So today he told me that I also needed help with my own personal issues( yes, I do agree) BUT HE SAYS " I would rather rot in jail or a morgue rather than come back home to you knowing that I was the only one who got help on issues". Then later I get a text of him forgiving ME for all the hurt I have caused him, and telling me how he can clearly see who I am since I am pushing him away in times of trouble instead of sticking by him and supporting him ..........

O and I forgot to mention - 3 years ago my parents supplied a lot of help to him in starting a new business. As of today, he still hasn't talked to them about anything concerning business matters while he will be gone?.?.?.?.?.?.?.

Bekindalways

Ah Sorro, so hard specially on Christmas Eve.

Anyway you can end contact with him?

SorroW22

Well I'm thinking that if he leaves for treatment- we won't hv any contact

cynical one

I hope you're not letting the losers pathetic attempts at manipulation get to you.

A very good boundary is "I will not allow people to speak to me unkindly, if they do I will immediately hang up the phone or close the door in their face". And, then follow it up with a "click" or a "slam".

We teach others how they can treat us, he is being taught that you will continue to accept his abuse. And, yes you are being abused.

Vale

Cynical (as usual) is right. We can't teach them its ok to
abuse us and then get mad at them when they learn their
lesson well.

ladyscribbler

Hon, just because someone is trying to hand you a cr@p sandwich doesn't mean you have to grab it and take a bite. I used to take everything my ex said so seriously. I practically treated it as gospel. That was part of my disease. I assumed that he was capable of thinking clearly and having reasonable, rational discussions.
We have a long, ongoing thread on the F&F of Alcoholics side that covers what we call "quacking" which is basically all the ridiculous nonsense that comes out of their mouths when they're trying to manipulate, gaslight or otherwise argue with us about reality.

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...-quackers.html

waitingforhope

What other people think or say about you is none of your business. His attempts to put you down and manipulate you are his problem, not yours so don't feed it by letting him know it bothers you even if it does. Examine why what he says has the power to hurt you and then get help to work on letting it go. I wasted a lot of precious time believing and feeling helpless about the bs my ex-AH said to me too and I can tell you first hand, he wasn't worth the pain it caused me. If anything, now I chide myself for taking seriously anything he said or says while addiction controls him. Now with my eyes open, I also realize he wasn't all that even before he became an addict. His addiction just emphasized personality flaws he already had.

Hawkeye13

So let him rot.
He has a whole lot of work to do in recovery before he'd
be fit to come home and be around you and the kids anyway.

It really sounds like this man may have other issues going on besides
his addiction.

He is really trying to control and manipulate you in crazy ways.
What do you think?

AnvilheadII

Well I'm thinking that if he leaves for treatment- we won't hv any contact

do you see how that still puts the ball in HIS court? if you don't want contact, then YOU enforce it. quit listening to his BS, quit giving him the power.

Vale

"if he"

Screw "he". YOU are the official in command
of your OWN life. You make the decisions,
you stand to answer for your actions.

By virtue of his addiction, he is incompetent to
make decisions for anyone, including himself.
If you were in a sinking ship at sea, would you
place the highest and most experienced (surviving)
officer in charge? Or the lowest IQ dribbling idiot
being transported?

Your life. Your decisions. YOU matter, not the one
doing amateur psychochemical brain surgery
experiments on himself.

Hawkeye13

Hi Sorro
Bumping this to see how you are

Did he actually go to treatment or did
he find a way to back out?

More importantly, how are you doing?

SorroW22

Hi everyone. Sorry I've been away and not in touch. But yes, he finally left today- after 3 other previous attempts. I posted a new thread today. Thanks for checking on me . YA'LL ARE A GREAT GROUP OF PEOPLE TO HAVE !!!