ella213

We are on the verge of divorce. The chaos and unpredictability is intolerable. Is he getting up for church or not? Is he going to work? Will he go out to buy heroin tonight since it's a 3-day weekend? Will my account be overdrawn? Will he be nice and sweet (meaning he has pot, usually), will he acknowledge our toddler and answer her when she speaks to him?

He knows I'm serious about divorce I guess, he is "trying" and has cleaned up his act for 3 days now, going running and to meetings.

Back on Thanksgiving my mom tried to bring up a couple of issues regarding his drug use and what he'd put us through. My parents have been really amazing, forgiving, accepting, compassionate - But they're pretty fed up (and they don't know the half of it). He shut down and refused to talk to her, he hasn't seen my family since then.

I asked him tonight if he was going to apologize or at least discuss the incident with her, so we could have Christmas together. He basically said no, it was her fault because she didn't get to the point, he had no idea what she was trying to say, etc.

I don't want him to come on Christmas Eve afternoon or Christmas Day afternoon (I/we have plans with my parents for both of those times), I don't want my parents to have to deal with him and play his "pretend everything is ok" game, when I will more than likely have to file for divorce within the next month. My parents haven't said he's not welcome; if I bring him, they will be nice to him. Am I wrong for saying he can't come if he won't apologize or discuss my mom's concerns? He ruins every holiday somehow, I just want it to stop, I'm so tired. But we are still married and we have a child together. I don't want to be unfair.

Thanks, you guys are awesome. =)

SparkleKitty

You are not wrong if you don't invite him. You are allowed to have a peaceful holiday with your loved ones that does not revolve around him and his using.

Hawkeye13

I agree with Sparkle--if he won't acknowledge or apologize,
it seems like he isn't really in true recovery anyway.
He certainly isn't if he's overdrawing your bank account.
What about giving yourself an early Christmas present and
opening your own account in another bank he doesn't have access to?

I would enjoy a peaceful holiday with your parents and child.
Your parents shouldn't have to "make nice" to him and walk on eggs in
their own home.
He's put himself in this situation.

Ann

I agree, enjoy Christmas with your family and let him remain home with his "issues". No guilt, no worry of what he may be up to, just joy for one day for you and your child and your family. Why spend one more day walking on egg shells, worrying what may or may not set him off again? You deserve peace and joy and love in your heart for those who are there to support you in difficult times.

And I agree, time for your own bank account that he has no access to.

Merry Christmas, Ella.

ella213

Thank you all for your thoughts and reassurance! I am second-guessing myself a lot because obviously some misjudgment and poor decisions led me to where I am today.

I do have a separate bank account, but he keeps overdrawing our old joint account. So maybe my Christmas present is removing my name from that account.. =)

Merry Christmas!

Hawkeye13

Sounds like a great idea

Now that you know better, you will do better--
Enjoy the holiday and turn off your phone so you can really relax

ShootingStar1

Ella, now is the time to make you and your toddler the center of your focus. You can only manage your own choices, and make the best choices possible for your child.

A happy Christmas with your parents and your child is a gift you can give yourself. While we cannot control or change the behavior of our addicted partners, we can set boundaries of what we will and will not live with. A ruined Christmas is not something you have to endure.

When you focus on sorting out what makes YOU happy and your child happy, and not on what HE will say, do, feel, if you don't pussyfoot around his feelings, then you will be clearer and clearer on what is healthy.

Merry Christmas!

ShootingStar1