STEP 1

We admitted we were powerless over others - that our lives had become unmanageable.


In the book "Codependents' Guide to the Twelve Steps", the author Melody Beattie, begins by telling how she reacted to this step. She didn't understand. "Powerless over others? My life - unmanageable?" She thought she had complete control over herself and others and handled everything through her willpower. It was her job.

Until she took a closer look at herself. "I found the undercurrent of fear, anger, pain, loneliness, emptiness and unmet needs that had controlled me most of my life."

She quoted Mary who states, "Being a victim and being in control was how I was in power. If I was powerless, then someone else was in control."

Hopefully through these steps we are going to learn how to own our power and be able to see the truth about ourselves and our relationships.

"We are powerless over others. When we try to exert power where we have none, our lives at some level may become unmanageable."

She goes on to tell her story and gives examples of ways that others have been affected by codependency. It doesn't have to be severe. It doesn't have to be to the point of taking over your life to be ready for a change. She tells stories of people who are codependent with siblings and intimate relationships. Examples of where people let others control them, tried to control, and gave too much.

Our Lives Had Become Unmanageable

In discussing unmanageability Melody states that we do not necessarily have to be involved with or affected by someone's drinking or addiction to be codependent. She simply states that for us, caretaking and controlling others doesn't work. It makes our life unmanageable. We often don't even see it. It is an instinct, a first reaction for us with anyone and/or everyone we meet affecting any or all parts of our life.

"We may deprive ourselves so badly our martyrdom and self sacrifice create ongoing feelings of victimization. We may allow others to victimize us; we may victimize ourselves. We may subject ourselves unnecessarily to other people and their inappropriate, abusive, or out-of-control behaviors. We may feel victimized by our inability to set the boundaries we need to set."

Codependency can be seen in so many different ways. It may be our feelings that are affected - depression, fear, anger, sadness. Or we may be so consumed by someone else that we ignore our feelings completely. We may stay in abusive relationships or isolate to avoid further disappointment and pain. It can happen at any time, even in recovery, when we try to control things we can't or let others control us.

"Unmanageability occurs when we stop owning our power and start believing that we do not have choices about how we want to act, regardless of what another person is or isn't doing."

We neglect ourselves and now it is time to learn to take care of ourselves.

The Roots of Control

But where does the need to control come from? Melody sites several cases that show many of us learn controlling behavior in childhood. She gives examples of children being put in the position of caretaker for their parents - controlling or taking care of out of control and/or irresponsible parents. Sometimes is it more subtle, parents who are not emotionally available for their children nor let their children experience or express their own emotions. Then those who have suffered these situations state how they realize after starting recovery their need to control was based on fear or anger. It was the undercurrent of everything they did.

Step 1 gives us permission to take care of ourselves. To relax and stop controlling others. If we are focused on controlling others, we are not controlling ourselves and leave ourselves open for others to do just that ... control us.

"When we love others too much, when we so desperately want and need what they have - whether that is acceptance, approval, love or friendship - we forfeit our ability to take care of ourselves with them, out of fear that we may not get what we need. We may hope that if we hold things in place by willpower, we will finally be safe and get what we need.

We won't."

Accepting Powerlessness

Some are ready to accept this step when the enter the program, they are tired and ready to give up. Others fight this step, not willing to let go of the control and surrender, overcome by fear. She explains how it can be uncomfortable for her to give up control, admit she is powerless over much of her life, sometimes even herself. When she tries to control herself, repressing her feelings, she looses a part of herself.

She explains how Step 1 is not about irresponsibility, in fact it is the opposite. It is about claiming responsibility for ourselves and letting others be responsible for their own lives. It is about facing our own fears, meeting our own needs, setting our own boundaries to protect ourselves. It is about not being a victim.

"When we accept powerlessness, we will become empowered to take care of ourselves. When we begin taking care of ourselves, we will begin living our lives, and all that is meant to come to us will be ours. When we stop controlling others, we can allow and trust them to live their lives."

The Detachment Step

Step 1 lets us start learning to detach and become aware of our willpower. We start to identify boundaries, limits, and what is our responsibility and what is not. This step is often met with fear, becoming aware of those things we can not control, but we need to accept it and move forward. We will surrender when we are ready, when we are tired of fighting battles we can not win.

"We are powerless over others, and our lives have become unmanageable. And for now, that's all we need to be. That's who we are, and it's good enough."

We start our recovery by taking this step and can return to it at any time, whenever we feel our codependent behaviors returning. The steps starts with the word we and that helps us remember we are not alone. We are not the only ones who feel this way and we can find the solution together. She explains how her controlling behaviors, in all their different forms, is like a dark place and this step brings it out into the light.


Activities

1. Have you been trying to exert power or influence where you may, in reality, have none? Have you been trying to control someone or something, trying harder and harder with less and less beneficial results?

2. Who or what in your life is making you feel crazy and causing you stress? Whom do you feel victimized by? Who do you feel is now controlling you, your emotions, or some other area of your life? What situations, feelings, or realities have you been running from, denying, or avoiding?

3. What would you have to face in your own life if you stopped trying to control someone or something? What might happen if you stopped allowing someone or something to control you?

4. What are some areas in your life that may reflect unmanageability? What is your current condition in these areas: emotions, finances, spirituality, physical health, career? What are you doing for fun, pleasure, and enjoyment?

5. What is the current state of your relationships with these people: family, friends, co-workers. Do you have any relationships, or are you feeling alone and isolated?

6. Does your mind feel clear and consistent? Who are you holding responsible for your emotions, finances, and health? Who are you holding responsible for the state of your relationships?

7. What are you doing in your life that you feel resentful about? What do you feel you have to do but don't want to? In what areas of your life do you feel you have no choices, no options? Who or what is trapping you? Whom do you most want to say something to? Why do you feel you can't say it?

8. What is the particular incident that propelled you to begin attending a Twelve Step group? If attending for a time, what is the issue that has been plaguing you most recently? Who or what are you most Worried about? When was the last time you did something loving and nurturing for yourself? Is there someone in your life that you feel is causing you misery? Do you feel that if he or she behaved differently, you would be happy?