Hechosedrugs

I'm still struggling with this divorce. My addict husband has been trying to reconcile, which doesn't make things any easier. Last night I told him I didn't see how this would be possible, especially when there are still so many secrets. I still don't know where all our money's been going, and I still don't know what he was doing every day when he'd disappear from10:00am-2:00. Well, deep down I do- the answer is drugs, and mindless spending under the influence of drugs.

So he says he's going to lay it all out on the table. Sends me an email with a list of the bills that I don't know about. Turns out after I filed for divorce he went and bought a $4,000 shed. Says he needed a place to store his stuff. Also bought a $1000 computer (he's been buying computers like crazy in the past few years and has at least 6 in the garage. Also, he took 2 of the ones that were hooked up in the house, as well as his laptop- now why in the hell would he need to buy another for $1000?)

This all comes after he cleaned out my bank account last month (stealing my identity to do so). I didn't get a single penny of the $4000, and $500 was spent at a bar. I filed a police report, but the officer said there's nothing they can do- these are community assets. This was my bank account- he is not an authorized user!

I just can't believe how he's handled this divorce. To me, it seems like
a no-brainer- look how irresponsible he is! Why isn't he in contempt of court? He also emailed me 15 times during our restraining order. What does it take to get the judge on my side? Why was he granted unsupervised visitation? Now he's spending more time with the kids than when we were married, and without me there to protect them!

And his family has sent in several statements, apparently claiming I'm a terrible mother and he's a doting father. My attorney hasn't sent them to me yet, but I'm terrified. It seems like he's winning- this makes no sense! My family is sending some in, too, but they're all at least 4 hours away. I'm afraid that the judge will take his family's side because they saw us more often.

I hate this!

ladyscribbler

The process is excruciatingly slow, and it almost seems to reward eff-ups. My ex waited until the absolute last second to hand over things we requested, refused to answer basic interrogatories and basically wasted a bunch of time, money and resources dragging his feet.
There was more than once when I thought my head was going to explode over his antics. The best thing I did for myself was to keep cool, not engage and follow every request to the letter, no matter what he did. I did plenty of venting here at SR, ranting in my journal and going to Alanon meetings to try to keep a grasp on my serenity. It is really hard when you're in the midst of the crap, especially when you've been the "adult" for the entire relationship.
Hopefully your attorney and the judge will be able to see what is fair as far as the financial settlement. I didn't have to worry about that stuff, mine was just custody, and the child support was settled in a separate case.
I think the worst part for me was all the nastiness it stirred up with his family. His wife went around gathering up statements from different family members with ludicrous, mud-slinging accusations about me. I think that was the thing that bothered me the most. Even so, it ended up being the thing that mattered the least, legally speaking. Stuff like that is called hearsay, and isn't admissible unless they are talking about witnessing a specific event. So she just ended up wasting a bunch of time and energy, stirring up trouble for nothing. I had his arrest records (all alcohol-related) and a timeline of specific events related to his drinking pulled from my journals and arranged by date. The judge gave those things a LOT of weight and basically ignored all the "evidence" my ex tried to offer up.
I didn't have that vindication until the thing was over though, and I very clearly remember feeling that he was going to win with all his nonsense. I spent a lot of time worrying and upset over it, lost sleep, tons of stress. This is the hard part. The middle, the uncertainty, the feeling that nothing you do matters, that you're stuck in a nightmare trying to run through quicksand, using up all your energy and getting nowhere.
I have been right where you are. Our final court hearing was this past November. It took about a year to get it resolved (an extremely long and stressful year, with many extreme emotional ups and downs), but the outcome was better than anything I could have hoped. I got everything I was asking for and then some. He has to either complete alcohol treatment (with some pretty strict and specific guidelines) if he wants unrestricted visitations or he can choose to do monitored sobriety during the visits.
I won't tell you not to worry or anything dumb like that, but do take care of yourself. Make time to relax as much as you can. Sending hugs and strength your way.

Hechosedrugs

Thank you. I so needed to hear that.

mamaof3boyz

I truly hope you get through this with strength and courage...I know you will come out the other side with a fresh start...only good things on the horizon from here on out. Although I have no substantial advice, my thoughts and prayers are with you. Hugs to you