duchessnoir

Long story short, I fell in love with a man who I thought to be an opiate addict in recovery. He turned out to be totally relapsed. I was devastated by this realization. I contacted his dad, with whom he is very close and who is basically enabling him, and told him that his son was using again. At first I decided not to see him anymore, but then I felt bad about walking away after promising him I would never walk away from him--because I really meant that. I really do love him. So I told his dad I'd stick around for a little while and keep an eye on him. I think he knew I was onto him and was trying to stop but couldn't. When he had a huge flip-out because he needed a fix and I was getting in the way, I cut ties, but I also contacted his dad to tell him that I was walking away and that his son's problem was very bad--that I had evidence he was using not only Roxies but heroin, now, too. The addict in question now -hates- me for doing that. But I also hear he is devastated over losing me, and that just kills me. It kills me that I can't help him at all now.

Did I do the right thing? Sometimes I'm not sure. I'm so heartbroken

Hawkeye13

Well, if his Dad was unknowingly enabling, it may help in the long term
but in the short term of course Addict will be mad.

I think you did the right thing getting out of the situation.
I would stay No Contact and let things blow over--
Be careful about safety--getting between family can be dangerous.
Often, people seem to underestimate what an active addict is capable of

SarahBear

Cutting ties is the hardest thing to ever do. As long as the addict knows he has enablers, he won't ever change until he hits rock bottom somewhere. When my addicted friend has gone back to his ex-fiancee and had seen him drinking with her (he's on parole), I didn't go running to his mom. His mom enables him as well.
His ex-fiancee is an alcoholic so who knows if he will be able to stay clean from drugs.

Mountainmanbob

Yes, I think that you did the right thing.

Take care of yourself and remember
a woman also needs a man that can take care of her
an addict (will never) satisfy this need.

Takes both in a relationship taking care of each other
not one pulling all of the weight all of the time.

Addicts love to be pulled along through life
while they get buzzed out of their minds
always asking of themselves
now who can help me put this back together ?

M-Bob

Hechosedrugs

If you can stay away, then yes. If not, then no.

My husband is an opiate addict. I enlisted every one of his family members to help me help him. All it did was alienate me, because they took his side over mine. Now I get to see them all in the waiting room at family court- ready to testify that I was always making up stories and trying to control him, I'm sure.

His dad was the worst. He receives direct messages from God telling him his son is clean and sober. Now how can I compete with that?

His family will believe what they want to believe, and they'll hate you for trying to change that.

Good luck, stay strong.

hopeful4

I think you did the right thing. Sometimes the only way to love someone is to love them from afar. He is livid b/c you are messing w/his enabler. And even though you may care about someone, when you are messed up with those kinds of drugs, you will always love those drugs the very most. They take over your life.

Put the focus back on you and move forward in a healthy way. You deserve more.

zoso77

You never could help him.

One theme we don't explicitly talk about here often is how embracing the feeling of being powerless is actually liberating. When people come to us in situations such as yours, they feel guilty about leaving the addict, or they believe they can still do something to help the addict. And that's not how it works.

Heroin addiction is as nasty and as dangerous as it gets. There was, and is, nothing you can do to help him. There is nothing his father can do to help him. The only way he can turn it around is to decide he's done, seek treatment, and then follow the path to recovery. Neither you or his father can make him do that.

So, yes, it hurts that you've ended it, and you're hurting because you've hurt him. But what choice did you have?

Accepting that we're powerless in the face of someone's addiction is a step towards sanity.

duchessnoir

Thank you everyone for your replies. I lived with an alcoholic for years, and that was pretty bad. Getting involved with an opiate addict was a shock. I'm glad that I was able to walk away, but it's very difficult not to feel guilty. The one good thing I can say is that I never said an unkind word to him, not matter how ugly he got with me. I hope that one day he will realize that and stop hating me, even if I never know about it.

hopeful4

Inside, he does not love himself, he loves drugs. It's his mother, his bride, his job, his life. It's a sad fact that this sort of addiction is taking over the lives of so many. However, it's always a choice. He can choose to get away from it and recover, or not. It is 100% up to him, and there is absolutely nothing you can do to change that.

Keep working on YOU.