recovering alcoholic husband wants peace with addict daughter I need boundaries:(
 

Daughter has used a lot of coke,abuses prescription meds and alcohol.
Pops all kinds of drug store meds.
Dad is a recovering alcoholic and now is on prescription meds.
Tells daughter he gets high from them at times.
Does nothing says nothing about daughter using coke again after promising to quit.
Manipulating us to move back home with promises and confessions of past use.
Clean two months back out partying.
Tells me I'm crazy cause all kids part yand I'm just picking on her.
Thinks it's ok .
Gets whatever she wants from Drs.
My head is spinning .They both claim need for prescription meds then I hear this.if the meds worked then why is there a need for coke alcohol gravel antihistamines lorazepam etc.
She's 24 and been on and off drugs illegal and legal for 8 years.
I'm confused !

Hi Blue, you're trying to make sense of addiction, and you can't because at the bottom of it all is addiction. All the reasons they come up with, the rationalisations, the gas lighting (trying to make you think you're the crazy one), are all designed to support the addiction. So, if you can, disregard anything that comes out of their mouths about the pills and look at their actions. That's all that counts.

It sounds like you've been trying to argue them out of addiction. That's futile, so take a huge step back and start working on your own life, because that's something you can control.

What makes you happy? You're not an addict, so you have the ability to live your life free of the need to get high all the time. You can become independent of their troubles (not easy, but it will save you).

Why not attend Nar-anon, which is for the families of addicts? You'll meed people there who know exactly what you're going through, and will understand.

I have a life of my own.i own a business and work there.I play a sport regularly that I love.I have friends I see.
But when I come home I have this.
I get no support from husband.when I ask what he thought about daughter looking to buy coke again he says nothing.
When I say I think she should move out cause I cay watch her self destruct...he takes her out for lunch.
She calls me crazy and a bitch and every name possible.
I got her apartment last time moved her out and she was gone 2 years.did not do well,never ate and lost a ton of weight.Drank and did drugs more.
He thinks at least at home she eats and only goes out once a week.
What's worse.
I say can't save her...can't change her...those are her choices if she wants to not eat oh well.
She blames everyone...she has every excuse to use and I manipulate s Drs for drugs as well.
I never knew that making me thinking I'm the crazy one was something they do...she's been doing that for years!!

Right Blue, I think I understand now. She's living with you and your husband, and your AH is enabling her. She's disrespectful and probably playing you and your husband against each other.

I can see why your daughter still uses when she has no incentive to quit and she can see her father relying on drugs as well. Are they both working or are you supporting them? You're right about you not being able to stop her, and your AH is probably worried sick that she'll go back to not eating and not coping if you throw her out again.

Any chance of getting him along with you to a Nar-anon meeting so he understands the concept of not enabling her? Family therapy? If you and your AH aren't on the same page you have no chance of taking action, because she wants the drugs, and will do what it takes to get them, including manipulating her father.

I agree that asking her to move out is a realistic option for taking the stress off yourself and that doesn't mean supplying her with an apartment. If your AH won't agree, then would you consider getting an apartment for yourself? You sound like you're getting to that point.

How is all this being financed?

Maybe you need to separate for awhile and get clear on what you want.
I suspect you are the one making everything run smoothly in the household?

Let them deal with cooking and cleaning, etc. and get some distance to decide what you want.
Obviously, they aren't quitting anytime soon so it's either live with this while it
worsens, or do something else.

I have little to add to the wise words above me, except to say that I am the mother of an addict and I understand.

In my case, my husband mostly stood back and let me "handle things"...we all know how that worked out.

Meetings, counseling, SR...all great ways to find your balance and have a safe place to share with people who really do understand.

Hugs from my heart to yours.

what about get your own apt and let THEM sort things out? you can't WIN against addiction OR enabling. they are a team and you are the enemy. no way to live.

Thanks for all your response.heres where it gets dicey .They both work they both function.
My daughter says I'm crazy and think everyone is an addict but clearly I don't.
Husband has quit drinking for 5 years but promotes the life with prescription drugs.
Neither want to do the behaviour therapy for there anxiety.
I'm in for 30 years and have never had a happy marriage...never.
It's not abusive physically just not supportive.When I ask for support I'm controlling his descissions.
I begged in the past I won't now.
I just cannot figure out why I'm still here after leaving twice before.
I just settle for a roommate instead of a husband.

Sounds like you are ready to take your life back

Don't be afraid to do it--if they both work, they can support themselves.
Seems like you want more than living with the incredible lonliness of addiction. . .

I make big decisions all the time.Iam strong and capable but I have no idea why I settle for this...fear of being alone I thought once but really Iam alone.
Fear of God? I think he knows I've tried.
Fear of the picture i show the world being false...fake...fake...fake..
Being found out it's fake.but really I don't care what they think.
Thinking all marriages are miserable I'll just find another lonely unhappy place
Fear he will be so happy with someone else and realize it was all my fault.
This now I'm crying at so maybe that's it....

Blue, I take prescription drugs (anti depressants) but I don't think of myself as having a problem because I do it in consultation with my doctor, who knows me. Is your H in this category, or do you have reason to think he's abusing prescription drugs?
If you feel like you can't let him go, have you considered marriage counselling?

You sound very successful in other parts of your life, and I really think you'd benefit from counselling yourself to clarify your thoughts. Don't beat yourself up because big decisions often need some thought, but if you are miserable then you can either work to change it or maybe give up on the marriage.

Yes, take your time and get some support to think through and process your emotions.

There is no pressure to do anything until you are ready---
I found a brief stint of cognitive therapy really helpful when I first quit drinking.
It let me see some of the triggers I had brought forward from growing up
in an alcoholic home with a very difficult parent.

Seeing that made taking the next step in the present much easier.
It sounds like you need to be heard and validated--which you aren't getting
from your spouse or step-daughter perhaps?

It's a question only you can answer. You obviously realize you cannot change either one of them, or you would have. Are you content to live with a roommate? Do you want to leave?

He is not going to change. His daughter is not going to change. You can control one person, yourself. It's up to you to make that decision. For myself, going to a counselor who helped families who deal with addicton helped me immensely.

Keep posting, you are not alone!

She our daughter no steps here.
She gets more understanding from her Dad as they both struggle with addiction and anxiety and lying and manipulation.
I find it all so confusing it could make someone once sane crazy.
My husband drank for years and call me stupid I know our marriage was not good but I never knew it was from the alcohol.
I went to bed and he stayed up and drank by himself. I had no idea how much as he hid it all.
He went to church every Sunday held down a good job and I never realized how bad it was until he quit.Thats when everything started making sense.
been to counselling several times throughout the years alone and together.it helps for a brief period but as soon as daughter acts up and I don't get the support I'm looking for I get so angry and want to just give up on this nightmare.
Because they both are functioning I'm the crazy one for wanting a family without drugs .i tend not to believe the prescription meds work because if they did why does she look for more..eg. Alcohol,coke, sleep aids.lorazapam, etc.
She makes excuses and feels sorry for herself to excuse her behaviour and lies and says she's not doing drugs and I need a psychiatrist for thinking there's a problem.
Mean while she accidentally texts my work looking for blow and says her phone automatically texted that ...it was saved from a year ago...
Really?
Now she's all sweet coming to church .....saying all the right things...and hubby too......

And he tells her he believes her that the phone could send that text by accident...

She WANTS YOU to believe her. She gets angry b/c you don't sit back and pretend there is not a problem. Just b/c someone holds down a job does not mean they are functioning. At all.

You have a right to call both of them out on their BS. Phones don't send texts from a year ago, ever. You know that, so does she.

Many hugs.

I love that you said that !! Good to hear as I know that but she is so good at lying it's almost believable.
I said she has to pay rent come January she says she has a visa bill...I've said then your moving out I'll get you a place because physically I cannot make her leave.
My husband says don't !! She needs grace!! They go to church on Sunday and the message was about a drug addict who got grace not judgement and that changed her.
Sheesh ! I have no idea but she is still calling the shots saying she won't pay rent in January.
Unbelievable I could raise such a selfish human being who cares only about her own needs!

What do your eyes and gut tell you?

One of my clients said to me after many conversations ...sounds like your daughter says whatever you want to hear!!
After that conversation I became more aware that I was being " snowed" and there was a real pattern here.
My gut says get her into rehab but she has no intention of doing that.
I've asked her several times but " she doesn't have a problem ".
The alternative is she can't stay with us despite my husband.
We're going to look at a room she can rent in a house on Friday
The owner a 26 year old female professional who works in a hospital in research .Maybe a great role model! My daughter dreams of being a nurse.
I maybe grasping but it gives me hope.

Blue, your husband has to understand he's not helping her, he's enabling her. Stand your ground on this because you have a right to a peaceful household. I can't believe she's living at home, not paying rent, and still has a Visa debt.

How can she just refuse to pay rent and expect to stay?