(still) in limbo with addict husband
 

I kicked my husband out this summer for a week until I realized I wasn't really ready to end things... I was just trying to manipulate him into hitting rock bottom and getting better, and then we'd live happily ever after. Instead of getting help, he smoked heroin/meth in motels until I let him come home.

Trying to get to that point where I can let go, for good.

I don't believe my happiness is the only important thing, and I believe marriage is sacred, and divorce should be the very last option. But even my pastor is saying I may need to divorce. My husband is not in recovery despite many people reaching out to him. He won't leave our home again, so we can't just separate. I looked into legal separation but due to how my state's family law system is structured, it will end up requiring an attorney and a lot more $ (which we don't have, because he spent it all). And I kind of feel like anything but divorce will just prolong the agony.

Every time he's nice, or even civil, I doubt myself. This morning he made breakfast and cleaned the kitchen. It's my birthday. He said happy birthday so that was nice. But there's this undercurrent of irritation and contempt, and I don't feel loved. He has a laundry list of complaints and accusations he's ready to recite if I bring up my feelings, or his addiction. So I don't.

I don't believe he's using heroin right now (he'd be much nicer if he was) but he's drinking and smoking pot. When he can't get pot, he's pretty unpleasant... He's not violent, but a week ago he got really drunk and left in the car even though I begged him not to. Money is disappearing, he didn't go to work on Thursday.

I am tied to him forever because we have a toddler (I got pregnant before I knew he'd relapsed)... I hate this, I hate it!! I almost want him to hit me or have an affair or set the house on fire so there's no question whether I'm "justified" in divorcing him.

Thoughts/advice welcome. Thanks!

He IS having an affair.....with drugs and alcohol. they are his first and only LOVE. not you, not the baby. he's bringing all that crap INTO the home, so has in a sense already set fire to what it SHOULD be - a safe haven.

he is NOT going to change. there is no happily ever after, no magic wands, no poof, all better. not with HIM. making breakfast is not the panacea, or the cure. that is one SMALL infinitesimal MOMENT. don't be fooled.

so why does HE get to call the shots here anyways? why do you look to HIM to make the first move, or make a change. it is time to take your power back and to make the changes. yes marriage is a sacred, but your husband defiled and destroyed that long ago.

You may believe marriage is sacred. What evidence is there that your AH believes marriage is sacred?

We often see this sort of ambivalence regarding divorce from women who comes to FFSA with drug addicted husbands, and that ambivalence is often rooted in religious beliefs. But while I know and understand that couples take their vows in front of God, it's important to point out in situations such as yours that your AH reneged on the tacit vow you each understood: neither of you would engage in any behavior that would undercut the vitality or viability of the marriage.

You've been with us since October 2013, yet you've only made 37 posts. Perhaps you can take full advantage of what we have to offer here. We have plenty of women who've been where you are and have lived to tell the tale. Reach out to them. Absorb their stories and how they got through it.

And remember one thing: there is never a guarantee that we'll be happy in this life, but at least we should take steps such that the possibility of happiness exists...

Oh geez you sound like me.28 years ago ...alcoholic husband ,but I never knew how bad.Was busy raising the kids cause he was so tired.
Running a business doing it all.
So happy when I got a morsal...he made me breakfast.
He says he loves me.he doesn't hit me or cheat.
Yup 30 years later still married yup he quit drinking for 5 years ...from there prescription meds...sex ? Never...separate bedrooms
Daughter Is an addict now...
But we still go to church every Sunday and travel the world....
DONT DO IT!!!

Hi Ella, maybe look into the future, say 5 years, with the assumption he won't get help for his addiction. Where will you be emotionally and financially? Ultimatums about him seeking treatment can be valid if you have every intention of following through. I know that concept isn't popular in SR, but it would have the advantage of you knowing you had given reconciliation a fair chance.

You don't say whether you have the ability to support yourself and your son, assuming your AH is spending all his income on drugs. From a practical POV do you know if AH is running up debt? You probably realise that if he had crashed the car you would have been half responsible for any liability, and insurance doesn't pay if the driver is drunk.

I do get what you're saying about your happiness not being the only consideration in whether you end the marriage, but the other would have to be your son. Will he suffer from the dynamics in the household?

You need to clarify your thoughts, so why not write pros and cons lists? You may not get an answer right away, but it will bring to mind the practical and emotional issues you face.

When we were married, my ex-husband's favorite saying was
"if you want something badly enough, you will find a way"

I did.

Thank you all, these are things I need to hear. Each of your posts, honestly, so helpful. I tend to want to minimize and say "every marriage has problems, what makes mine any different?" ...But yeah, his relationship with drugs is like an affair he refuses to end. Even during the brief periods he isn't using, he's miserable and pining for his true love.

Practically, I can support myself and the baby. I bought our house by myself last year, and can afford the mortgage alone.

My parents are nearby, and awesome, and watch the baby while I work ..though they are understandably fed up with AH and sick of essentially subsidizing his drug use with free childcare. They tried to talk to him about it a couple of weeks ago, so now he refuses to do anything with my family, which is really awkward.

Last week I gave him a (short) list of things he'd need to do to save our marriage, because he emailed me and ASKED for suggestions and encouragement. I guess he didn't like my list because he overdrew his account and used the next day.

This morning has been so pleasant. My moment-by-moment evaluation of our relationship is so dysfunctional and divorced from reality. I'm just motivated to see what I want to see.

When I was married to a man who refused to make any changes I was so beaten down emotionally that I finally got into therapy - it was that or go nuts.

The very first session, the therapist said (between my sobbing and blowing my nose) "Why don't you cut your losses?"

A month later, I did just that. What a relief.

if you can support yourself, your child and the house ... what are you waiting for ? !!!

Waiting for him to be clean will be a lifelong chore. Taking your happiness along with your child's. He seems to be entrenched in his addiction.