I have a twofer queston about rock bottom and hoarding
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I have a twofer queston about rock bottom and hoarding
I'll try to keep this short. 6 year relationship. He was 23 I was 35. Was just having fun and I let him move in with me bc he had no where to go, mom was tired of his crap. Didn't have a job, I was OK with that I made enough. First year he was very helpful around the house, did drink but hey so do I. Second year, still no job, I was still somewhat OK with it, started meeting neighbors and drinking with them. Third year, still no job, I'm getting irritated, doesn't do anything around the house, drinking and now coke with the neighbors, disappearing act starting. Fourth year got a job, spends his money partying while I pay for EVERYTHING, drinking and coke and shady behavior getting worse, loses job. Throw him out to stay with his mom. He didn't seem to care. Get a call a few months later to please pick him up at train station he needs my help. Didn't want to, but I did. Weasels his way back in and back in my house. No job, again, and now finding drugs for his drinking buddies (these guys were in their late 40's and couldn't find coke) so they'll pay for him to drink at the bars with them and he gets to use their coke. Disappearing and shady behavior. Oh I forgot the lies, the stupid outrageous lies that he thought I belived.
Anyways past 2 years same pattern. Throw him out, let him back, his money goes to fun mine go to bills. The past 5 years the promises of "I'll change. I'm sorry. I love you more than anything." Yada yada. He lost his license when he was 20 from a DWI so every other month he's gonna get it straightened out while driving my car, getting pulled over and me spending hundreds to get it out of impound. He was sober the 5 or so times he was pulled over so he just got driving with suspended license tickets or taken to the jail. And I would leave him there. That's one thing i would do.
He's basically just a big mess. But he was younger and I liked that about him. Lol
While all this is going on I'm going broke, he's ruined my car to the point it's embarrassing for me to be seen in it (I now call it the Zombie Apocolipse) I've lost my rental and have been at my sister's house since August. He went to his sisters. We still continued our relationship until last week but I called it off I just don't want to date someone who is at a bar all trashed and spending whatever money he has on his pill addiction he's aquired over the past year. I'm just over it. He's now 29 and his mom kicked him out a week ago and he's at his friends, who is a pothead. Oh yea, my ex is a pothead too. How could I forget that?
So while I'm on this not so fun roller coaster, I've developed a bad little habit of picking up strays. Mostly cats, and I don really care for cats. But I now have fifteen. FIFTEEN! It was all random places, and I would take them in thinking I could find them homes. I've come to find, people don't really want cats. Lol. And I care about them so won't dump them at a shelter. They have a good life with me and I can afford them but damn it's a lot of kiities.
After dealing with what so many of you have dealt with my knowledge of the codependent relationship is lacking. Could dealing with an addict and the emotional ups and downs have caused me to become the crazy cat lady?
So that was question one.
Question two........times I've booted him out he's been broke and homeless and couch surfing and looking terrible and I've thought for sure he would eventually hit his bottom but it's like things that would bother a normal person just don't seem to bother him. When in the hell is he gonna hit bottom and get his crap together? Not for me, but because I do care about him and want him to have a decent life.
So I tried to keep it short but so much has gone on in the 6 years with my younger cute guy, whose not so young or cute to me anymore, I had to try to give y'all some background.
Anyways past 2 years same pattern. Throw him out, let him back, his money goes to fun mine go to bills. The past 5 years the promises of "I'll change. I'm sorry. I love you more than anything." Yada yada. He lost his license when he was 20 from a DWI so every other month he's gonna get it straightened out while driving my car, getting pulled over and me spending hundreds to get it out of impound. He was sober the 5 or so times he was pulled over so he just got driving with suspended license tickets or taken to the jail. And I would leave him there. That's one thing i would do.
He's basically just a big mess. But he was younger and I liked that about him. Lol
While all this is going on I'm going broke, he's ruined my car to the point it's embarrassing for me to be seen in it (I now call it the Zombie Apocolipse) I've lost my rental and have been at my sister's house since August. He went to his sisters. We still continued our relationship until last week but I called it off I just don't want to date someone who is at a bar all trashed and spending whatever money he has on his pill addiction he's aquired over the past year. I'm just over it. He's now 29 and his mom kicked him out a week ago and he's at his friends, who is a pothead. Oh yea, my ex is a pothead too. How could I forget that?
So while I'm on this not so fun roller coaster, I've developed a bad little habit of picking up strays. Mostly cats, and I don really care for cats. But I now have fifteen. FIFTEEN! It was all random places, and I would take them in thinking I could find them homes. I've come to find, people don't really want cats. Lol. And I care about them so won't dump them at a shelter. They have a good life with me and I can afford them but damn it's a lot of kiities.
After dealing with what so many of you have dealt with my knowledge of the codependent relationship is lacking. Could dealing with an addict and the emotional ups and downs have caused me to become the crazy cat lady?
So that was question one.
Question two........times I've booted him out he's been broke and homeless and couch surfing and looking terrible and I've thought for sure he would eventually hit his bottom but it's like things that would bother a normal person just don't seem to bother him. When in the hell is he gonna hit bottom and get his crap together? Not for me, but because I do care about him and want him to have a decent life.
So I tried to keep it short but so much has gone on in the 6 years with my younger cute guy, whose not so young or cute to me anymore, I had to try to give y'all some background.
Curmudgeon, Electrical Engineer, Guitar God Wannabe
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Where the mighty arms of Atlas hold the heavens from the Earth
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Welcome to the Board. I must admit we don't see a lot of stories quite like yours around these parts, but I'm glad you took the step to post.
So, let's get to it:
Let's stop here for a minute. You were 35, he was 23, and you thought this would be "fun"? And you allowed this to continue for 6 years?
There's two issues as I see it: his stuff (alcohol, drugs, etc), and your stuff. Our "charter" here at FFSA is to help get our members arrive at a place where they can look at themselves, their choices, and where they may have gone off the rails such that they learn from the experience. So allow me to gently point out that your first clue that taking this child in should have been his mother was "tired of his crap". He went from one enabler -- Mom -- to another -- you. And you willingly signed up for that role because you thought it would be fun?
Fun is going to a great restaurant with friends. Fun is checking out a band or a movie on a Friday night. Fun is playing video games when it's too cold out to do anything else. Fun is decidedly not taking in a kid who refuses to grow up and take responsibility for himself. Doesn't matter how much you like him.
My apologies for being so blunt out of the gate; that's not normally how I roll here when I greet newcomers. But my intention is to make you look at your initial decision to ignore red flags and take in some kid because you felt bad that his mom kicked him out.
As for the cats, that's outside the boundaries where I feel comfortable commenting on. Our members are free to do so, however.
I encourage you to read as many posts here during your time with us such that you learn about the disease of addiction, and how our members recovered from their own misguided decisions. And you're not alone on that front. So stick around, and again, Welcome to the Board.
So, let's get to it:
I'll try to keep this short. 6 year relationship. He was 23 I was 35. Was just having fun and I let him move in with me bc he had no where to go, mom was tired of his crap. Didn't have a job, I was OK with that I made enough.
There's two issues as I see it: his stuff (alcohol, drugs, etc), and your stuff. Our "charter" here at FFSA is to help get our members arrive at a place where they can look at themselves, their choices, and where they may have gone off the rails such that they learn from the experience. So allow me to gently point out that your first clue that taking this child in should have been his mother was "tired of his crap". He went from one enabler -- Mom -- to another -- you. And you willingly signed up for that role because you thought it would be fun?
Fun is going to a great restaurant with friends. Fun is checking out a band or a movie on a Friday night. Fun is playing video games when it's too cold out to do anything else. Fun is decidedly not taking in a kid who refuses to grow up and take responsibility for himself. Doesn't matter how much you like him.
My apologies for being so blunt out of the gate; that's not normally how I roll here when I greet newcomers. But my intention is to make you look at your initial decision to ignore red flags and take in some kid because you felt bad that his mom kicked him out.
As for the cats, that's outside the boundaries where I feel comfortable commenting on. Our members are free to do so, however.
I encourage you to read as many posts here during your time with us such that you learn about the disease of addiction, and how our members recovered from their own misguided decisions. And you're not alone on that front. So stick around, and again, Welcome to the Board.
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I know I know, but he was REALLY cute and very nice and very charming in the beginning. And 23 is young but still old enough. It was not supposed to get this far. We had a blast hanging out, going out and I figured he'd eventually move on to someone more age appropriate and I always had that in my mind. But, I caught feelings and the whole thing snowballed.
I've met his mom on numerous occasions. Been to her house for dinner. She likes me. His younger sister (25) thinks I'm great. They know he has major issues and had them long before I entered the picture.
Promise I'm not a creepy old lady that trolls the clubs for young guys. Lol
This whole mess is so out of character for me. My mom said to me a few months ago, "If someone told you 6 years ago you'd be in a situation like this you'd have laughed in their face." All I could say was, "You're absolutely right."
It hasn't always been turmoil. I'll say 70/30. 70% chaos and 30% good.
One thing I've learned is I will not, ever, doesn't matter how cute or charming, date someone that does any type of drug again. Not even weed. No thank you.
Please feel free to give me your opinion on my animal situation. I'm a big girl I can take it.
I've met his mom on numerous occasions. Been to her house for dinner. She likes me. His younger sister (25) thinks I'm great. They know he has major issues and had them long before I entered the picture.
Promise I'm not a creepy old lady that trolls the clubs for young guys. Lol
This whole mess is so out of character for me. My mom said to me a few months ago, "If someone told you 6 years ago you'd be in a situation like this you'd have laughed in their face." All I could say was, "You're absolutely right."
It hasn't always been turmoil. I'll say 70/30. 70% chaos and 30% good.
One thing I've learned is I will not, ever, doesn't matter how cute or charming, date someone that does any type of drug again. Not even weed. No thank you.
Please feel free to give me your opinion on my animal situation. I'm a big girl I can take it.
Curmudgeon, Electrical Engineer, Guitar God Wannabe
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Where the mighty arms of Atlas hold the heavens from the Earth
Posts: 3,403
And 23 is young but still old enough.
Of course, that's speculation on my part. It's quite possible I'm wrong.
I won't comment on the animals. That's not my gig here...
Member
Join Date: Nov 2015
Posts: 635
I'll bite.
Is it possible that you're doing to the cats what you did to him? Enabled, thus hurting them? I would think that having so many cats is unhealthy for you and unhealthy for the cats.
It sounds like you're trying to fill a void, when you should be working on self-growth. That's easier said than done, I know. Check out my posts- pot calling kettle black? Yes! But it's easier to see faults in others than in ourselves.
As for him hitting rock bottom- that's different for everyone. I thought the threat of losing me and the kids would be rock bottom for my husband, but he still seems to be in denial and I'm quite certain he's still using. For some people, even a near death experience is not enough. Some people just never get there at all.
Work on yourself, that's all we can do. I'm very sorry that you're hurt. It sucks when you've put in so much effort and it all blows up in your face.
Is it possible that you're doing to the cats what you did to him? Enabled, thus hurting them? I would think that having so many cats is unhealthy for you and unhealthy for the cats.
It sounds like you're trying to fill a void, when you should be working on self-growth. That's easier said than done, I know. Check out my posts- pot calling kettle black? Yes! But it's easier to see faults in others than in ourselves.
As for him hitting rock bottom- that's different for everyone. I thought the threat of losing me and the kids would be rock bottom for my husband, but he still seems to be in denial and I'm quite certain he's still using. For some people, even a near death experience is not enough. Some people just never get there at all.
Work on yourself, that's all we can do. I'm very sorry that you're hurt. It sucks when you've put in so much effort and it all blows up in your face.
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Join Date: Dec 2015
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I know 15 cats is a lot but I promise they're the healthiest, prettiest cats. I would have no problem finding them homes, I just feel I can't trust anyone to take care of them properly. I can handle it, but they do consume my life now. Wake up, feed and clean boxes. Get home, feed and clean boxes. Sweep and vacuum. Rinse and repeat.
I've done a lot of thinking about how and why I've allowed myself to get in this situation. The only thing that has ever really affected me was when my dad died. He had lung cancer and I was 22 at the time. My parents were divorced and my brother and sister are quite older than me and had families of their own so I had to take care of him and basically watch him die. I took him to his chemo and radiation appointments, I was in the room with him when the doctor told him there was nothing else that they could do. I'm hysterical and my dad was comforting ME. He died 3 months after I turned 23. It shattered my world. I just wanted to save him but couldn't. But that was 19 years ago and I've had healthy relationships with men and didn't go around collecting animals so why now?
Why would I all of a sudden feel I need to save people and animals so many years later?
I've never been around addicts until this....kid. Did it all of a sudden trigger something inside of me?
I've done a lot of thinking about how and why I've allowed myself to get in this situation. The only thing that has ever really affected me was when my dad died. He had lung cancer and I was 22 at the time. My parents were divorced and my brother and sister are quite older than me and had families of their own so I had to take care of him and basically watch him die. I took him to his chemo and radiation appointments, I was in the room with him when the doctor told him there was nothing else that they could do. I'm hysterical and my dad was comforting ME. He died 3 months after I turned 23. It shattered my world. I just wanted to save him but couldn't. But that was 19 years ago and I've had healthy relationships with men and didn't go around collecting animals so why now?
Why would I all of a sudden feel I need to save people and animals so many years later?
I've never been around addicts until this....kid. Did it all of a sudden trigger something inside of me?
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Join Date: Nov 2015
Posts: 635
In my opinion, there is no use trying to determine what triggered your cat collecting. You admit that cleaning up after them is getting to be too much for you. I think you should stop worrying about why you're doing it and take some steps to fix your situation. Your worrying about where the cats will end up is no different than worrying about where your addict will end up.
Break the cycle.
Break the cycle.
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Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Iowa
Posts: 3,050
It was not supposed to get this far.
But it did. Just like the cat thing wasn't supposed to turn into a full-on animal hoarding situation.
That's the stuff that's within your power to change. You can't rescue every stray that crosses your path. No one can predict what another person's bottom will be. I had quite a few incidents with my ex that I was positive were going to be his bottom, but he always found someone to save him- a lot of times it was me. After I left it was his mom for awhile, then she cut him off and he found an older woman to take care of him. She's apparently content with that role, so more power to her.
If you're unhappy with your current situation, then that's in your power to change. If you don't want to drop the cats at a shelter, is there a local rescue organization that fosters animals? 15 cats is too many for one person to effectively care for. Yes they're better off than they would be on the street, but your well-being is the most important.
I used to focus on saving or fixing other people as a way of avoiding my own issues. I started attending Alanon meetings and seeing a therapist after I left my ex. It has helped me get to the bottom of my issues- the reasons I chose and stayed in unhealthy relationships.
You can take back your life, but it has to begin with you. Reaching out for help here is a great first step.
But it did. Just like the cat thing wasn't supposed to turn into a full-on animal hoarding situation.
That's the stuff that's within your power to change. You can't rescue every stray that crosses your path. No one can predict what another person's bottom will be. I had quite a few incidents with my ex that I was positive were going to be his bottom, but he always found someone to save him- a lot of times it was me. After I left it was his mom for awhile, then she cut him off and he found an older woman to take care of him. She's apparently content with that role, so more power to her.
If you're unhappy with your current situation, then that's in your power to change. If you don't want to drop the cats at a shelter, is there a local rescue organization that fosters animals? 15 cats is too many for one person to effectively care for. Yes they're better off than they would be on the street, but your well-being is the most important.
I used to focus on saving or fixing other people as a way of avoiding my own issues. I started attending Alanon meetings and seeing a therapist after I left my ex. It has helped me get to the bottom of my issues- the reasons I chose and stayed in unhealthy relationships.
You can take back your life, but it has to begin with you. Reaching out for help here is a great first step.
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Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
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Just know that some people don't have a "bottom." This cycle of using continues and continues. Most times it gets worse. Sometimes it stays how it is. Sometimes it leads to death. You cannot make him want to stop this bad behavior.
Concentrate on what to do with all those cats, and then move forward in a positive way maturely thinking about what is best for YOU.
Concentrate on what to do with all those cats, and then move forward in a positive way maturely thinking about what is best for YOU.
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Join Date: Dec 2015
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I don't use any kind of drug. Just was never my thing. I can drink with the best of them. But, it's only when I'm watching a ball game or out and the occasion calls for it. I was a bartender for a number of years and went weeks without drinking. I think the last time I've really drank was this Halloween and I was in New Orleans so yea, you're gonna have some drinks.
I've tried to get some of the cats in adoption programs but everyone is full. I even told some rescues I'll keep them and take them to adoption events myself but again, told me they have too many. I just don't know what to do about it except deal with it until an opportunity comes up. It's all I can do.
I've never talked to a professional about anything in my life. I probably should've been on some type of antidepressant after my dad died but then I've always been the "mind over matter" or "suck it up and get over it stop being weak" type.
His mom told me a while ago I should go to an al-anon meeting. She said she's been and it's helped her learn to set boundaries and what not. But it just seems odd to me to do that. I've always just took care of business and worked it out by myself.
Even being on here I feel stupid.
I've tried to get some of the cats in adoption programs but everyone is full. I even told some rescues I'll keep them and take them to adoption events myself but again, told me they have too many. I just don't know what to do about it except deal with it until an opportunity comes up. It's all I can do.
I've never talked to a professional about anything in my life. I probably should've been on some type of antidepressant after my dad died but then I've always been the "mind over matter" or "suck it up and get over it stop being weak" type.
His mom told me a while ago I should go to an al-anon meeting. She said she's been and it's helped her learn to set boundaries and what not. But it just seems odd to me to do that. I've always just took care of business and worked it out by myself.
Even being on here I feel stupid.
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Join Date: Oct 2015
Posts: 748
Don't feel stupid! Everyone here is kind and supportive. We all have different things going on in our lives. My personal take on your situation is that when you have finally and honestly moved on from your relationship with this guy and got in touch with what you want and what you deserve from the future only then will you sort the cat business out. Please do think about a counsellor. Think of it as a present to yourself that you deserve after all the years of trials and tribulations.
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Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: TX
Posts: 731
Nothing more to add...other than perhaps seeing someone to get to the core issues of your behaviors.
Allowing yourself to heal, after 6 years of turmoil/drama will be the key to you gaining some understanding and insight.
Be gentle on yourself; get some help/support and move forward.
Allowing yourself to heal, after 6 years of turmoil/drama will be the key to you gaining some understanding and insight.
Be gentle on yourself; get some help/support and move forward.
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Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
Posts: 5,450
Don't feel stupid. We all need help sometimes. Relying only on yourself landed you with a lot of cats and a 6-year relationship that was littered with ignored red flags. Lots of people here have found themselves in confusing and uncomfortable situations that their "best thinking" put them in, and lots of people here needed help to move forward.
Cats are not very difficult to take care of, one or two at a time. If you can find at least some of them alternative homes, please don't let your fear that they won't be taken care of properly hold you back. That sounds like an excuse you tell yourself so you can keep them all.
Whatever it was that doesn't want to let go of the cats is probably the same thing that kept you hanging on with this kid for so long. If it continues to go unaddressed it won't be long before the next stray you try to save is another addict that you're sure you can fix or save. I found that when it was making it my mission in life to save everyone around me, I was neglecting the person who needed saving the most (and the only person I was actually capable of saving), me.
Cats are not very difficult to take care of, one or two at a time. If you can find at least some of them alternative homes, please don't let your fear that they won't be taken care of properly hold you back. That sounds like an excuse you tell yourself so you can keep them all.
Whatever it was that doesn't want to let go of the cats is probably the same thing that kept you hanging on with this kid for so long. If it continues to go unaddressed it won't be long before the next stray you try to save is another addict that you're sure you can fix or save. I found that when it was making it my mission in life to save everyone around me, I was neglecting the person who needed saving the most (and the only person I was actually capable of saving), me.
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Gosh it's gonna be so hard for me to actually talk face to face with a stranger about everything. I can't even do that with family and friends.
Leaving the relationship behind will be easier than trusting someone to take one of the cats. I've just really grown attached.
I pretty much emotionally checked out of the relationship almost a year ago. Was just going through the motions I suppose. Still bothers me a bit, not gonna lie, and I still worry about him but I know I'll be fine especially without him terrorizing me with his addictions.
Thanks to everyone for giving me some insight and I do value your opinions.
I'm gonna clean cat boxes now. Seriously, I was lazy this morning and didn't do it. Lol
Leaving the relationship behind will be easier than trusting someone to take one of the cats. I've just really grown attached.
I pretty much emotionally checked out of the relationship almost a year ago. Was just going through the motions I suppose. Still bothers me a bit, not gonna lie, and I still worry about him but I know I'll be fine especially without him terrorizing me with his addictions.
Thanks to everyone for giving me some insight and I do value your opinions.
I'm gonna clean cat boxes now. Seriously, I was lazy this morning and didn't do it. Lol
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Join Date: Sep 2015
Location: Florida
Posts: 41
Catlady - I had your same story, except for the cats. Cute younger guy, 31, lived with his parents. I was 41 had a job and an house and fully functional. Just divorced. At first awesome around house, got a job and went back to school. Even went to rehab several times for his issues. Now it is 3 1/2 years later, all his money from his job (which he lost) and school loans went to coke/crack and alcohol. I paid the bills. I kicked him out for the last time in October, and back to mommy and daddy he went 2 hours away. They just watch him get high and drunk and do nothing. He even finished this semester with As and Bs from my house during the week until last week. The second he was done with school on Monday, book money went to crack and I had bills to pay.
I keep praying his bottom, but I have no idea if it will come. I am learning to detach, which I am terrible at.
I also have been thinking about getting a cat, because I do not need a new boyfriend. Hugs!!!
Owl
I keep praying his bottom, but I have no idea if it will come. I am learning to detach, which I am terrible at.
I also have been thinking about getting a cat, because I do not need a new boyfriend. Hugs!!!
Owl
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Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
Posts: 5,450
I have found that talking to a neutral third party is a LOT easier than talking to family and friends. Our friends and family tend to have their own pesky opinions and perspectives on things, it can really get in the way of helping us work through stuff. 
But in all seriousness, family and friends aren't trained therapists anyway. And while it seems like talking to them about things because they know you already is so much easier, it is exactly because they know and love you that they can't always be objective about what you are going through.
But in all seriousness, family and friends aren't trained therapists anyway. And while it seems like talking to them about things because they know you already is so much easier, it is exactly because they know and love you that they can't always be objective about what you are going through.
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