Married To A Heroin Addict
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Join Date: Dec 2015
Location: New York
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Married To A Heroin Addict
I am married to a functioning heroin addict. We have been together 11 years and he has been an addict for the past 6. It started so mindless just a pill here and there which then became a regular habit. He has been to detox 3 times and a 40 day rehab once. He stayed sober for 18 months and I never thought he would use again until we suffered some major financial stress. His last relapse has been going on for 2 years and he has been saying for the past few months he would like to go into detox and he doesn't want to live like this, blah, blah, blah.... I have surpassed those feelings of disappointment and frustration and moved on to pure sadness. My heart breaks to see him struggle so many years with his addiction. I have enabled him more than I would ever like to admit. We have two children together and I just try my hardest to keep them sheltered. I don't even know how to cope. I am so used to living on this crazy roller coaster I am not sure how to get off.
Thanks for listening. Any advice is welcomed with open ears!
Thanks for listening. Any advice is welcomed with open ears!
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 6,047
Hi wife. How is his addiction affecting your home life? For example is he available emotionally to you?
Also your family finances. He must be spending on his habit, and possibly depriving you and the children.
I suppose one way of moving forward is to decide what you want from life and your marriage, and whether you can expect it if he doesn't get clean. Look a few years into the future. You must have a certain amount of tolerance of his habit because you're still there, but can you see yourself in say 10 years, still putting up with the situation? He's been talking about leaning up, but has he taken steps to set up detox or rehab?
The fact that you're posting here means you've reached some level of wanting improvement in your life. Perhaps you could check out Nar-anon (for the families, not the addicts). You'll find many people there who know what you're going through.
Also your family finances. He must be spending on his habit, and possibly depriving you and the children.
I suppose one way of moving forward is to decide what you want from life and your marriage, and whether you can expect it if he doesn't get clean. Look a few years into the future. You must have a certain amount of tolerance of his habit because you're still there, but can you see yourself in say 10 years, still putting up with the situation? He's been talking about leaning up, but has he taken steps to set up detox or rehab?
The fact that you're posting here means you've reached some level of wanting improvement in your life. Perhaps you could check out Nar-anon (for the families, not the addicts). You'll find many people there who know what you're going through.
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Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: USA
Posts: 574
Only you know if you wish to stay in this relationship and if he is able to commit to recovery. Heroin is a special beast.
No one here can advise you about what you 'should' do but we can offer our experiences. My XABF passed away in the spring. He said many times how he hated feeling this way and was tired of what this addiction did to him, to his loved ones and his life. Most often it's just a bunch of words so that they can continue with their addiction. It grabs their mind and body and robs everyone of everything around them. No one knows what is going to be in their next hit. It's Russian roulette. It's a game you get to stand by and watch ... until that day comes when it's just .... over. I can tell you, it's a sadness that lasts and the guilt from enabling is like a giant hole that nothing will ever fill.
My first concern would be your children. Exposure is damaging to them. They are not blind nor ignorant of what is going on. They pick up on all of the cues and somewhere down the road, run the risk of addiction along with the family problems that addiction creates.
You are here, and that is a great beginning. Read as much as you can. Stories and the stickies at the top of this forum. Please try to find a meeting in your area - Alanon, Naranon or CoDA. You can check out a copy or DVD of the book CoDependent No More by Melody Beattie. And keep sharing. It will save you from isolation and feeling like you are alone. We are many and we have been thru everything here. Wishing you strength as you awaken. Hugs to you,Joie
No one here can advise you about what you 'should' do but we can offer our experiences. My XABF passed away in the spring. He said many times how he hated feeling this way and was tired of what this addiction did to him, to his loved ones and his life. Most often it's just a bunch of words so that they can continue with their addiction. It grabs their mind and body and robs everyone of everything around them. No one knows what is going to be in their next hit. It's Russian roulette. It's a game you get to stand by and watch ... until that day comes when it's just .... over. I can tell you, it's a sadness that lasts and the guilt from enabling is like a giant hole that nothing will ever fill.
My first concern would be your children. Exposure is damaging to them. They are not blind nor ignorant of what is going on. They pick up on all of the cues and somewhere down the road, run the risk of addiction along with the family problems that addiction creates.
You are here, and that is a great beginning. Read as much as you can. Stories and the stickies at the top of this forum. Please try to find a meeting in your area - Alanon, Naranon or CoDA. You can check out a copy or DVD of the book CoDependent No More by Melody Beattie. And keep sharing. It will save you from isolation and feeling like you are alone. We are many and we have been thru everything here. Wishing you strength as you awaken. Hugs to you,Joie
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Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
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H is so addictive, I would not call him a functioning user. He is an addict. Two years is not a relapse, he is simply a user.
I don't mean to sound harsh, but people have a way of trying to make it sound better than it really is. Reality is harsh, I do know.
If he wants to get serious, it is going to take a lot more than detox. He will need detox then rehab, and the only way it will work is if he dedicated to fighting addiction, every day, for the rest of his life. It's a big commitment he has to desperately want. I don't say any of this to make you upset, it is just the reality.
Something that may help you now is finding a counselor who helps families with addiction in them. It will help you find boundaries that you can keep, and help you feel emotionally stable for you and your children.
Many, many hugs. Keep posting, you are not alone!
I don't mean to sound harsh, but people have a way of trying to make it sound better than it really is. Reality is harsh, I do know.
If he wants to get serious, it is going to take a lot more than detox. He will need detox then rehab, and the only way it will work is if he dedicated to fighting addiction, every day, for the rest of his life. It's a big commitment he has to desperately want. I don't say any of this to make you upset, it is just the reality.
Something that may help you now is finding a counselor who helps families with addiction in them. It will help you find boundaries that you can keep, and help you feel emotionally stable for you and your children.
Many, many hugs. Keep posting, you are not alone!
Sarah
Join Date: Nov 2015
Location: Pennsylvaina
Posts: 44
Josie is right, Heroin is a special beast! I have been married just shy of 16 yrs and I have two kids to my very newly RAH (1month 9 days). I feel for you tremendously and I welcome you to msg me anytime even if you just need to vent. It is a very difficult road and I am sorry that you and your children have to be on it. But thankfully they have you!!! I was/am as much an enabler as you if not more. You are not alone and your sadness and pain matters. You can only try to do whats best for you and your children. Learn the tools to protect you and your kids and set boundaries with your AH that you stick to, for everyone's sake. Its all so hard you know that all too well! I will be keeping you & yours in my prayers. Thank you for sharing!
God Bless You!
Sarah
God Bless You!
Sarah
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Join Date: Dec 2015
Location: New York
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*update*
Obviously the night I wrote this post I wasn't in the greatest place. The very the next morning I left with our kids and wrote him a lengthy message no ultimatum scenario just encouraging words. I came home at night to find that he checked himself into a hospital detox however they didn't have an available bed so he had to wait until the next day. Today is Day 3 and I am sure he's feeling terrible psychically, mentally, and emotionally....
I have been down this path many of times. I am of course happy he is in treatment and that he made the decision on his own to go, he found a detox to take him, and he got there himself. To me that was a big step considering it's always been me having to help and guide him along the way. On the other hand I am not believing this is his last run with it. I am scared to have any ounce of hope to then be crushed when he goes back to using. I am trying to read up on what to do when he has completed detox and also learn anything I can about the road to recovery. I will know Friday if inpatient rehab will be in his future.
I know this is "my life" and I am the only one that knows when enough is enough to walk away but I really wish I had someone to tell me exactly what to do. I come from beliefs you make it work no matter what "till death do you part." I struggle with the guilt of leaving him while he is batteling this.
I just want to make all the right decisions not just for myself but especially for my two children. I don't want them desensitized to drug use/addiction and my absolute worse fear would be to have them turn into addicts themselves. Right now they are very young but time goes so fast I cannot even believe I am still here dealing with this on and off after 6 years. And that is part of my problem that I need to not be in denial and accept that this is a family disease that I am in this too. I need to come to terms that he will always have this part of him this addiction component.
I have tried Al-Anon I found it extremely difficult to talk about my personal issues in a group setting face to face. I feel much more open and willing to share on a private forum like this.
Thank you all so much for listening and no advice is ever too harsh. I appreciate everything each of you have said. It makes me feel like I am not alone in this.
I have been down this path many of times. I am of course happy he is in treatment and that he made the decision on his own to go, he found a detox to take him, and he got there himself. To me that was a big step considering it's always been me having to help and guide him along the way. On the other hand I am not believing this is his last run with it. I am scared to have any ounce of hope to then be crushed when he goes back to using. I am trying to read up on what to do when he has completed detox and also learn anything I can about the road to recovery. I will know Friday if inpatient rehab will be in his future.
I know this is "my life" and I am the only one that knows when enough is enough to walk away but I really wish I had someone to tell me exactly what to do. I come from beliefs you make it work no matter what "till death do you part." I struggle with the guilt of leaving him while he is batteling this.
I just want to make all the right decisions not just for myself but especially for my two children. I don't want them desensitized to drug use/addiction and my absolute worse fear would be to have them turn into addicts themselves. Right now they are very young but time goes so fast I cannot even believe I am still here dealing with this on and off after 6 years. And that is part of my problem that I need to not be in denial and accept that this is a family disease that I am in this too. I need to come to terms that he will always have this part of him this addiction component.
I have tried Al-Anon I found it extremely difficult to talk about my personal issues in a group setting face to face. I feel much more open and willing to share on a private forum like this.
Thank you all so much for listening and no advice is ever too harsh. I appreciate everything each of you have said. It makes me feel like I am not alone in this.
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Join Date: Jan 2012
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I know this is "my life" and I am the only one that knows when enough is enough to walk away but I really wish I had someone to tell me exactly what to do. I come from beliefs you make it work no matter what "till death do you part." I struggle with the guilt of leaving him while he is batteling this.
What I will tell you, however, is 6 years is a long time to put up with this kind of crap. And when you speak of the guilt of leaving him, allow me to point out he left you first when he went down the path of addiction. Every time he used, he put space between himself and you and your children. That was a choice he made. The choice you made was one of self preservation, both for yourself and for your children. Enough was enough, right?
We have to deal in the here and now, and we can't afford to be in denial when it comes to addiction. Learn all you can, and make the best decisions you can for yourself and your children, mindful that what's best isn't necessarily the same thing as what you want.
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Join Date: Dec 2013
Posts: 213
On the other hand I am not believing this is his last run with it.
I don't know. I don't know much about what you two are going through. I only know what I went through with a friend who tried to quit, first with suboxone, then with methadone at an outpatient clinic. I'm just praying he is still going to the methadone clinic and is staying clean but I haven't heard from him in over a month.
Prayers and hugs, Wife2210.
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Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Iowa
Posts: 3,050
I just want to make all the right decisions not just for myself but especially for my two children.
That's a lot of pressure to put on yourself. Nobody makes ALL the right decisions ALL the time- not even me.
Something that helped me was to do a trial separation with my ex. I stayed gone for almost 3 months with our son. He was supposed to be getting sober, going to meetings, etc. I returned home and the whole thing had been a huge lie. He was drinking the whole time, he'd even gotten arrested for public intox a couple of days before I went back and had hidden it from me until it came time to pay the fine and he was asking me for money.
So the separation/sobriety attempt wasn't a magic cure for him, but taking that time and breathing space for myself made a huge difference. I had that time to gather my strength and resources and was strong enough to leave for good when it became apparent that he had no intention of changing. I had gotten almost immune to how bad things really were. Being away from it for awhile reminded me of how peaceful and sane life could be if the household dynamic wasn't revolving around someone in the throes of addiction.
Now that he's out of your hair for a bit, take some time to absorb the peace. Even if he doesn't go to inpatient treatment, he can make other living arrangements in order to focus on his sobriety.
You don't have to FIX! EVERYTHING! RIGHT! NOW!, though I know the feeling. Just focus on yourself and your kids and do the next right thing. One small step at a time can reap a huge change in your life.
That's a lot of pressure to put on yourself. Nobody makes ALL the right decisions ALL the time- not even me.
Something that helped me was to do a trial separation with my ex. I stayed gone for almost 3 months with our son. He was supposed to be getting sober, going to meetings, etc. I returned home and the whole thing had been a huge lie. He was drinking the whole time, he'd even gotten arrested for public intox a couple of days before I went back and had hidden it from me until it came time to pay the fine and he was asking me for money.
So the separation/sobriety attempt wasn't a magic cure for him, but taking that time and breathing space for myself made a huge difference. I had that time to gather my strength and resources and was strong enough to leave for good when it became apparent that he had no intention of changing. I had gotten almost immune to how bad things really were. Being away from it for awhile reminded me of how peaceful and sane life could be if the household dynamic wasn't revolving around someone in the throes of addiction.
Now that he's out of your hair for a bit, take some time to absorb the peace. Even if he doesn't go to inpatient treatment, he can make other living arrangements in order to focus on his sobriety.
You don't have to FIX! EVERYTHING! RIGHT! NOW!, though I know the feeling. Just focus on yourself and your kids and do the next right thing. One small step at a time can reap a huge change in your life.
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Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
Prepare for the worst, hope, pray, and support for the best. That is my motto.
It is excellent that he got himself there and did the work himself. The thing is, the more they have invested into their own recovery, the more it is for them, which is how people actually recover.
It's great that you are doing the right thing for your children and yourself. Keep sharing, you are never alone!!!! We are so glad you are here!
Many hugs.
It is excellent that he got himself there and did the work himself. The thing is, the more they have invested into their own recovery, the more it is for them, which is how people actually recover.
It's great that you are doing the right thing for your children and yourself. Keep sharing, you are never alone!!!! We are so glad you are here!
Many hugs.
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Join Date: Dec 2015
Location: New York
Posts: 3
Originally Posted by Firesong 
It may not be. But for now, believe. Belief has a lot of power. Can you take belief one day at a time, or one hour at a time, or one moment at a time, the way he is having to take detox?
I don't know. I don't know much about what you two are going through. I only know what I went through with a friend who tried to quit, first with suboxone, then with methadone at an outpatient clinic. I'm just praying he is still going to the methadone clinic and is staying clean but I haven't heard from him in over a month.
Prayers and hugs, Wife2210.
I don't know. I don't know much about what you two are going through. I only know what I went through with a friend who tried to quit, first with suboxone, then with methadone at an outpatient clinic. I'm just praying he is still going to the methadone clinic and is staying clean but I haven't heard from him in over a month.
Prayers and hugs, Wife2210.
I do believe he can change but I just have been dissappointed by him so many times in the past. It is forcing me to enter his recovery with a cautious heart. One day at a time is the only way to see the situation however I long to look to forward to Day 356 when we are only at Day 6 of his sobriety.
thank you for your words belief definitely has a lot of power.
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