PuzzledHeart

For those who are keeping track, my sister finally agreed to help with my mom, who has cancer, for two weeks. According to my dad, on the first day, she said she couldn't be there because she was having work done to her house. The second day, she came in on time and left early because she had exercise class. The third day, she showed up an hour late and then left early too.

On that same day, she had dropped off my nieces at middle school. At the end of the day, she forgot to pick them up. So they called her. And she never picked up her phone. (The last time I witnessed for myself this "off-the-radar" behavior was on 4/20.) So my dad had to pick them up from school. And according to him, they were freaked out. But when he tried to figure out what happened, they wouldn't say anything at all.

They won't say anything negative about my sister or her drug-using boyfriend. My parents, especially my dad, don't exactly have the best tempers, and my dad especially likes to fly off the handle, so I can completely understand why they keep mum.

I have no idea what my sister says about me behind my back, so I wonder what she tells my nieces. But what can I do to be there for them? How can I address my sister's frankly bizarre behavior without making them shut down? And what should I tell her ex-husband and how should I present it? It's only one incident, and I wonder if my own confirmation bias is making me say "AHA, evidence that she's truly addicted to pot!" even if it's not really evidence per se.

I don't know. My dad asked me for the umpteenth time if she's using drugs. I used to say, well unless she gets a test we can't confirm that completely. But now I just say yes because everything just screams that, despite my skeptical nature (think Scully from X-Files). Seriously, WTF?

But at least my mom is having a good day.

JimC60

PuzzledHeart,

".... she had dropped off my nieces at middle school........my dad had to pick them up from school....they were freaked out...they wouldn't say anything at all...... anything negative about my sister or her drug-using boyfriend.... my dad, don't exactly have the best tempers......likes to fly off the handle, so I can completely understand why they keep mum."

I think you are correct 1) sister is using drugs, 2) nieces know it, 3) nieces have either been told not to say anything to anyone else, or they have decided that silence is their "safest course" all on their own.

I suspect they are dancing with devils at home, but they keep quiet to the rest of the world because they may be worried that CPS may get involved and they might be removed from their home.

At least for now, they prefer to dance with the devils they already know.

Sounds like they could benefit from Nar-A-Teen or Al-A-Teen if there are any meetings in town -- if nothing else they would learn that they are not alone, other kids are going through the same things at home.

It is a shame that your sister is putting you and her kids through this.

Keep coming back,

Jim

AnvilheadII

i think you need to tread very carefully and not just jump in the middle of things, such as taking this directly to your sister's ex. yes it is inexcusable that she "forgot" to pick up her kids, but i'm not sure that incident alone is enough to call in the SWAT team.

children of addicts/alcoholics/abusers most often DO defend and protect their parents.....their innate survival skills TELL them to do so....they also do not want to rock the boat and make things any WORSE. knowing also that their grandfather is a hot head and likely to bluster and yell, he is certainly NOT who they are going to reveal anything to. they are young and scared.

so let them know they are loved. that is all. give them warm hugs. tell them how magnificent they are, what you admire most about each of them, what makes them unique. don't do that all in one sitting, but make THAT your goal - that they get a good loving message about their awesomeness from at least one person, WITHOUT JUDGEMENT and without trying to manipulate them into to tattling on their mother.

don't make this about HER. her tardiness and flightiness is probably part of her overall MO....she doesn't strike me as the punctual type who honors commitments and gives a goddamn about anyone or anything.

if things go missing - money, jewelry, hockables - or if your mother's meds are decreasing at faster rate, then you have more grounds for suspicion. is your mom enjoying having your sister there, at least for a while?

if you TRULY feel the children are in DANGER, being neglected and/or abused, then that should be taken to the proper authorities.

hopeful4

I would say to sit them down and tell them you love them, and that you know there are things going on. That you don't expect them to say anything negative about their mom, and that you know they love her. But that you want them to know they can always talk to you about anything, and that you are always there to listen.

That is what you should tell them......Just my .02

PuzzledHeart

Thanks all for your input. I'm especially taking the "Don't call the ex" to heart. My husband was pushing me to call the ex, but I didn't think it was a good idea. If anything, I am trying to be much better about avoiding the rescuer/negotiator role in my family if it isn't necessary.

I don't think that this is a CPS situation, but I do notice that my nieces' antennae go up as soon as they detect any tension between me and my sister. My nieces and I are also VERY careful about showing any sort of affection with each other when she's around. For myself, I don't want to turn this into a competition for their affection. For my nieces, I suspect they don't want to encourage any jealousy/anger on her part.

My mom doesn't really enjoy my sister being there, and my sister totally picks up on this and feels even more rejected. I've told my mom that when my sister visits, she can't discuss my sister's pothead boyfriend and her current financial situation, because all that will do is just make my sister feel defensive about the choices she's made. I've reminded my sister that my mom has cancer present in her brain, and lord knows what is going to come out of her mouth (although her personality, so far, does not seem to be affected as much.) This is as much of a referee that I can be (I think my sister's angry about the fact that I don't referee as much anymore. And that I can't scrape up the extra energy to feel sorry for her. I've just got way too much fish to fry with my mom, and frankly I do wish she, as a forty-something woman, did take the opportunity to step up to the plate. But you've all heard that already.)

Again, thank you all.

hopeful4

Hugs to you. I am glad you are realize you are NOT a referee. As we get well, many times it causes those around us that we enabled or were codependent with to rebel, they don't like the boundaries we form for ourselves. It's all just a part of your own healing.