AlG330

So I wrote here about a week ago regarding my heartbreak over my boyfriend/father of my child starting a new rehab romance. Within a week he was at her family's house for thanksgiving which included her daughter when he hasn't seen ours in months.. Was two months sober but heard through the grape vine that he relapsed briefly this past week. "briefly".

ANYWHO..

I need some insight on what to do about our daughter. I have been to nar-anon but haven't had the courage to speak too much yet. He hasn't been in her life consistently since she was 6 months old, this past year being only a few visits where I had to drive two hours to take her to see him.

Now that he is supposedly better (got kicked out because he didn't want to take vivitrol and I'm thinking he used..and is homeless) BUT IN HIS WORDS HES WELL. He is insisting he see her. For once he wants to take a bus here and make that effort. However I really don't think its fair. I don't want him in my life at all. All he has done for the past two years is stab me in the back and literally ruin who I am as a person. I have raised my daughter and am a wonderful mother in nursing school full time. He has another son on the way with someone who he refuses to acknowledge.

The question here is..when is it okay to say no to visiting his daughter? Am I being a bad mother? She doesn't really know him at all and at two and a half I can't imagine how confusing it will be to see him so sporadically. She asks men in the supermarket and at family parties if they are her dad. It's so sad and truly humiliating for me. I just want to know if making the decision to keep her from him is selfish after two years of him not being there. I just want to cut ties completely and move on just me and my daughter.

I have full physical and parental custody, he has none.

mamaof3boyz

I'm new to all of this, but I would imagine as long as he is using you have the right to refuse his visits. Even if he is sober a short amount of time I would think you could deny visits until you know he has a solid amount of time in recovery...let's say at least 1 year or more. I understand you want him out of your life, I don't think it's selfish because you are protecting your child. Would he pursue your daughter legally?

teatreeoil007

I'm not sure what the answer is, AIG, but I don't think you are being a bad mom, and wishing it was just you and your daughter.

Your motherly instinct is wanting what is BEST for your daughter.

I don't know where he stands or where you stand in the legal sense... or how it differs from state to state-but he could have some paternal rights.

I am glad you seem to be such a conscientious mother. You want what is best.

FeelingGreat

Hi AIG, I'd be inclined to let him see her and I'll give you a few reasons why which you can evaluate against your experience:
- She's clearly looking for a father, and this at least will provide her with a face and name. Children are very adaptable, and if she doesn't see him often she'll come to accept that as the norm. The danger would be if she sees him often and then he withdraws from her life.
- Telling him no may push him in the other direction, and he may insist on seeing her. If he's as unreliable as before, one visit may be all he needs to go away, but you'll have much less control over how the visits go if you're forced into them.
- Children benefit from contact with their parents. The parents may be ratbags, but as long as the child has a reasonably positive experience with them, it's good for the child. Hopefully he'll be on best behaviour with her.
- As the biological father, he has some rights, whatever his moral deficiencies. It could develop into a positive thing for both of them.

You could agree to him coming for a 'play date' with you present. That would be a safe way of them seeing each other and you could let him get it out of his system.