SparkleKitty

I think until the "one person who doesn't 'give up' on him" is HIM, nothing is going to change.

AnvilheadII

he's doped out of his head and fixated on getting you to respond. let's recall, HE JUST PULLED A KNIFE ON A "FRIEND". he has other people in his life, but his actions have pushed them away one by one. don't you DARE believe that he won't harm you just as easily. he cannot be trusted. you have already called the cops, you TOLD him to not contact you, not come by the house.

you cannot control what he does. you can't make him stop. you can only put yourself in harm's way. he is a VIOLENT THREAT to your safety.

zoso77

Kiddo...

What's implicit in the above is your belief that you have some sort of control over what he does and/or doesn't do. The truth is you don't.

I, too, was paralyzed about the "what if" that you describe. My AXGF pulled that with me, and at the time she pulled it, I didn't have the strength to detach from that by recognizing what she was doing. Suicidal ideation is the trump card of an addict. They play that card, and unknowing, susceptible people that are in the dysfunctional codependent spiral with them do what the addict wants them to do. It keeps them engaged.

And look at the price you're paying for staying engaged.

I am not totally unempathetic regarding him. He didn't ask for Bipolar. He didn't ask for PTSD, either. But this is 2015. He can receive treatment for both. He can take medication for his mood disorder. And he's choosing to use drugs instead. Until he takes responsibility for his life, he will continue to spiral out of control. And it doesn't matter if you're there or not there. He's going to do whatever it is he does.

You cannot allow yourself to be paralyzed by that "what if". But let's go there for the sake of argument.

I knew someone who committed suicide when I was a junior in high school and he was a senior. He was a captain of the wrestling team, although he'd been injured. Good looking, well liked, his girlfriend lived down the street from me, and I worked with his mother at one of our local supermarkets. And he shot himself in the chest at age 17. What I can tell you is there is no way you can prepare for something like that. The effect on our school and those who knew him was devastating. In our yearbook that year, on his "In Memoriam" page, it spoke of suicide as a permanent solution to a temporary problem. So I guess this is a long way of saying that if your AXBF wants to choose a permanent solution to a temporary problem, you can't stop him. No one can. The only thing you can do is what you've done, which is call the cops. And then detach...

Please keep us posted.

hopepraylove

Hi Jim,

This is where I am torn. I feel similar, "at least I know he's alive when I get his texts." BUT, when he is texting me 100 times a day and blowing up my phone/social media all day...it's distracting and stressful. If I blocked him, it would just prevent him from calling me and he would not be able to text message me (although it would show up as I am receiving his texts.)

hopepraylove

Hi Zoso,

He's been institutionalized (on a psych hold) 3 times in the last two years. He's been to rehab 4 times in two years. He's seen countless doctors and has been prescribed every medication possible. But, he doesn't take them. He "hates how they make him feel," he will be on medication for a few weeks and then give up, get off them, go on a bender, it's the same cycle always. He knows he has the help available, he can always go to the VA if he needs a place to sleep/be put on a hold/detox, etc. But, he doesn't. He has an excuse for everything: can't go to a meeting--"none at this time" "they're too far" "it's a dry meeting" "I don't relate to the people" etc, etc. I've heard it all.

He's still texting me and calling me right now. I had to put my phone on silent as it's very distracting at work. He said he "went to a meeting today and that his mom is going to give him gas money so that he can get to 4 meetings a week. [He] really wants to get well."

I've heard this all before sadly.

I'm wondering what your insight would be on how to go about blocking him if that's what I decide to do. Should I tell him I'm blocking him, or should I say my "peace" and block him?

If I were to block him, I'd need to block him on all social media and then move forward with it.

hopepraylove

Profound statement Sparkle, thank you.

zoso77

I would just block him, period. No warning, no "I wish you well"-type messages. Just do it, and then settle down to ride out the ensuing emotional storm.

hopepraylove

He's still continuing to text message me right now.

"You said you'd always be there for me. Please call me or text me back."

I know the reason I'm struggling to block is because I'm codependent and scared. Thank you for all of your responses everyone. It makes more of a difference than you know to hear all of your support and advice.

zoso77

It's sh!t like he's doing to you that really, really torques me off. Once you're able to step back and look at what he's doing through the prism of addiction and mental health, you'll better understand.

Do what is best for you.

hopepraylove

Hi Zoso,

I don't disagree with you at all. I spoke with my sponsor today and he recommended that I respond with one text saying "I love you, I hope you can get sober and find recovery. I can't have you in my life right now, but I will pray for you and you will always be in my thoughts. I wish you the best."

& then block.

I think I'm leaning towards this... I'm going to continue thinking through my naranon meeting tonight.

Thank you for your support.

SarahBear

I like the response you have given. brief and to the point

AnvilheadII

that statement is way to passive with too many maybe's and if's.......leaves the back door and about 4 windows open. sure you can SEND him a message of Not Now or Go Away or Whatever, but do you REALLY think he is likely to RESPECT that? or comprehend? he is completely IRRATIONAL.

you will have to go full out NO contact and probably change your number if you truly want to stop contact. otherwise.......

remember how GOOD you "felt" after meeting up with him, even when you suspected it wasn't a good idea??? welp, here you are.....you hold the cards here on whether this goes on or whether it stops. is there some part of you that is flattered by his 100 texts and phone calls? does it make you somehow feel wanted? special? loved?

this is NOT love.......

Chino

Going by how responsible for him you feel you are, I'd say you already feel guilty x100. The question is, guilty for what?

It's a very small step from embracing the guilt of not being that powerful, to accepting that you aren't and never really were.

hopepraylove

abso-*******-lutely not. It makes me feel like I make REALLY awful choices in men. LOL.

I am not flattered in the slightest.

hopepraylove

I guess I'll update the thread and let everyone know that his mother is now texting me and blowing me up; blaming me for her son's demise and that he has been "doing well until I came into the picture." I guess she's been oblivious to his severe weight loss and constricted pupils the last four months. She is a ******* nut case. I blocked her, (no problem.) Just mustering up the courage to block him. I will end up doing it.

cece1960

I have danced this dance with my son on occasion. It's been a while, but he would blow up my cell and work phone simultaneously. Not only was it distracting, it could have gotten me a stern warning at work, or worse.

I can't even begin the explain how hard it was for me to block him and turn away. No contact.

But what I eventually realized was that it was most hard on me He was so busy in his frantic state that I doubt he noticed much. When he would get to that point there was no reasoning and no words that could talk him off the ledge or toward the ledge for that matter.

For years I feared the worse case scenario. It hasn't happened. I am grateful for that, but regret the years I wasted worried sick.

Sometimes the most loving thing you can do for someone is to let them go.

zoso77

I bet one of the hardest things for any parent to do is to acknowledge their child is sick the way your AXBF is sick. And the reason it's hard is it invites a lot of uncomfortable questions that have no easy answers. I feel for his mother, and it doesn't surprise me that she's lashing out in this way. Granted, it doesn't excuse her behavior, but I certainly understand her current headspace.

Yes, blocking her is the right call.

AnvilheadII

let everyone know that his mother is now texting me and blowing me up; blaming me for her son's demise and that he has been "doing well until I came into the picture."
and
"please don't ignore me, I have no one, I have no friends, no purpose to live, I will die without you. I'll kill myself if you don't keep me in your life at all. Please respond."

do you see how the two statement above directly conflict? he DOES have someone else who loves him and cares about him.....HIS OWN MOTHER. and while perhaps misguided (ok a LOT misguided) she is "fighting" for him. he is not completely ALONE, he has somewhere to go, someone who cares.

you've blocked her, now block him. let THEM sort this whole mess out however THEY choose to. no longer YOUR problem.

NEVER WAS.

hopepraylove

This is my own personal ******* hell. I couldn't sleep at all last night. He was calling and texting me excessively. Leaving me four minute voicemails every hour sobbing and proclaiming his love for me. I FINALLY blocked him. I remember in a meeting once someone said "when the pain of staying is worse than the pain of letting go, you'll be ready to leave." That's how I finally felt last night. I'll always pray for him.

To make things worse, I woke up this morning to a dozen text messages from my friends. At 3 am he had posted a "collage" of sorts with photos of him and I over the last two years. He wrote a 6 paragraph essay on me, the "one who got away," explaining that his "few struggles with substance abuse and his immaturity ended the relationship." To the blind eye it would seem like he was being sincere and apologetic, (and maybe he is) but to me, I just saw huge, waving red-flags saying: "MANIPULATION, MANIPULATION." It tugged at my heart strings to see the screen shots. I cried, went into work late and puffy-eyed. He concluded the novel with "I am gravely upset with myself for not being the man I promised I'd be. Instead I let a few life changing events get the better of me and fell victim." Maybe I'm being cynical, maybe I'm so numb/angry/tired that I don't REALLY feel anything at all.

How do I move forward, I thought that I was doing so well and healing, but this feels like pulling off the scabs and pouring salt on the wounds. I went to a meeting last night and cried the entire time, called my sponsor and cried for another hour. I feel like I'm never going to get out of this fog. Please help. I am not wanting to play or be the victim, but I feel like this has ruined my life. I'm ******* miserable. Aside from blocking him on everything, what do I tell my friends? "Don't tell me anything he posts of says? Please block him?" I feel sick.

I know I'm codependent. Is this why it's so god awful? Am I just an idiot in general? Maybe I'm delusional. I feel foolish and kind of am hating myself for putting myself in this position to begin with. Reading the text in his facebook post made me sad. I fell in love with him for his intelligence and his charm. Reading how eloquent he was in the post and the kind things he said about me was like seeing a small glimmer of the human I love. Seeing people post things in response like "there are plenty of fish in the sea!" "You'll find another." "You deserve the best!" make me so sad too. No one responding on it knows the struggle and personal hell this has been for me. His responses talking about how he is going to "start working a program and not just 'not using'" makes me so sad too considering I know he relapsed this weekend. Any thoughts and works of encouragement are greatly appreciated. I really need the support right now.

hopeful4

I know it hurts. And as long as you are in contact or have friends sending you that stuff, it will continue. Tell them as politely as possible that unfortunately he is not telling the entire story, and that you really prefer not to hear anything about him. And stick to it.

Go no contact. Keep working on you. That you recognized the manipulation for what it is is a great thing. Don't fall for that. If he wants recovery, he will get it, with our without you. If not, he won't.

Many hugs!