girlfriend is oxy dependent
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I've never spoken to any of these friends, nor her cousin. So, I don't know if they will be sympathetic to my calling or not. The friends should know who I am but am not sure how much she told her cousin about me. I'm also fearful of hearing that my putative girlfriend may not give a hoot about me any longer and it has nothing to do with recovery. I still pine for her and miss her very much. Does that make sense?
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Need some advice; have been trying to reach my gf's cousin; no answer; one of her best friends; again no answer. A third friend I don't have a working number. I do have an email for that friend however. Should I email her friends about my gf's whereabouts? I tried my gf's home number and no answer; straight to voicemail. Plus, my gf has showed no activity on her social media accounts for about 10 days now. The last contact I had from her was on Nov. 3rd and that was in a public post. Eg., she told me nothing about what was going on. If someone is in treatment would they be out of contact for that long?
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I don't know the answer to your questions, but I hope you are doing okay today. I have no experience with this stuff myself and have just been thrown into the Deep end of the addiction swimming pool. I just didn't want you to be left hanging.
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Relapse. Very unexpected to me. I guess I live in a fantasy world of rainbows and sunshine. My boyfriend (now ex) was clean for 9 years (as far as I know) and relapsed in a major way after an argument we had a month ago. It never even occured to me that that could possibly happen after 9 years clean. Duh.
So I'm just now learning all about this stuff after the fact. Now that it's a little too late. But at least it's helping me understand what happened...maybe.
So I'm just now learning all about this stuff after the fact. Now that it's a little too late. But at least it's helping me understand what happened...maybe.
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I'm new to all this as well. This woman was the first I had met since my marriage went south nearly a decade ago that I thought could be a lasting relationship. But I only met her in January and she had been on oxy for three plus years; for a legit neck pain issue as I mention in an earlier post. But I still feel a bit betrayed that she didn't tell me about the extent of her use of this stuff. From the get-go.
So, I feel for you, but I don't have a 9 year investment in her. But I am hurting badly over this. What was your ex using and initially for how long? His relapsing after an argument is not your fault; that's his decision. So, don't take it personally.
So, I feel for you, but I don't have a 9 year investment in her. But I am hurting badly over this. What was your ex using and initially for how long? His relapsing after an argument is not your fault; that's his decision. So, don't take it personally.
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I didn't have a nine year investment either. We were together 14 months. I'm just taking his word for it that he had been off drugs for eight years when we started dating. He still drank alcohol but like I said, I'm naive, and I didn't realize that "kept the addiction alive," or whatever.
It had become a pretty serious relationship though, with him talking about marriage after we hit a year together, and then going out one night after a fight and getting into his old ways with his old friends, and that was the end of us. Woke up the next morning done with me. The guy I knew is gone in the blink of an eye.
What he has admitted to using in the past month is alcohol, weed, adderall, and Xanax. But cocaine used to be his doc so I'm pretty certain that's in the mix too. He started using as a teenager and told me he had done everything except meth and heroin.
Yeah, it's pretty hard to not take it personally, but thank you. Of course I beat myself up, if I had just said this or done this, etc. Especially in the moments when he does pick me apart and put blame on me.
It had become a pretty serious relationship though, with him talking about marriage after we hit a year together, and then going out one night after a fight and getting into his old ways with his old friends, and that was the end of us. Woke up the next morning done with me. The guy I knew is gone in the blink of an eye.
What he has admitted to using in the past month is alcohol, weed, adderall, and Xanax. But cocaine used to be his doc so I'm pretty certain that's in the mix too. He started using as a teenager and told me he had done everything except meth and heroin.
Yeah, it's pretty hard to not take it personally, but thank you. Of course I beat myself up, if I had just said this or done this, etc. Especially in the moments when he does pick me apart and put blame on me.
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He's the one with the problem not you. I haven't given up all hope, but see her in a different light now. I see how her personality changed when apparently she was taking the stuff; talked non-stop for 10 minutes one time on the phone without taking a breath almost. And seemed too happy a lot of the time. Then at other times, very withdrawn and distant and sometimes difficult.
Your ex boyfriend sounds like a real addict on so many levels. Detach and move on. I know it's not easy, but you owe it to yourself. I may have to do the same thing.
Your ex boyfriend sounds like a real addict on so many levels. Detach and move on. I know it's not easy, but you owe it to yourself. I may have to do the same thing.
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Yeah, I have to start to detach at least. As for moving on, well...I'm just trying to survive right now. I have no idea if we will talk again, if he will ever be the person I knew, if we will be friends someday, strangers, or if he will even survive this much longer. The only thing I know is it is all changed forever now.
I hope you take some comfort in knowing you are not alone in this. It is helpful to have the support here and hear other stories similar to your own. Take care and keep us posted on things and how you are doing.
I hope you take some comfort in knowing you are not alone in this. It is helpful to have the support here and hear other stories similar to your own. Take care and keep us posted on things and how you are doing.
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Moving on is overrated. I agree; it's a cliche that's overused. Detaching is probably the best way. My advice on that front; I'm an expert on this aspect of romantic relationships is simply to get rid of all pics and emails and unfriend yourself from all social media and all reminders of the significant other and don't watch any sappy movies. Refocus on your work and/or recreation and take it a 12 step day at a time.
It's also important to remind yourself that before the boyfriend came along that you were probably doing just fine.
It's also important to remind yourself that before the boyfriend came along that you were probably doing just fine.
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Cloudyskies,
".....Plus, my gf has showed no activity on her social media accounts for about 10 days now......... If someone is in treatment would they be out of contact for that long?"
I can only speak from experience with 2 residential rehabs.
Social media posting was out of the question while a patient since the patient's personal cell phone was confiscated by facility management when the patient checked in. Outgoing telephone calls would be land- line based from the facility and monitored by staff.
Length of time to be out of contact is governed by the length of stay at the facility - 2 weeks, 4 weeks ...up to 3 months - depends on the facility. So 10 days would not be at all unusual.
Jim
".....Plus, my gf has showed no activity on her social media accounts for about 10 days now......... If someone is in treatment would they be out of contact for that long?"
I can only speak from experience with 2 residential rehabs.
Social media posting was out of the question while a patient since the patient's personal cell phone was confiscated by facility management when the patient checked in. Outgoing telephone calls would be land- line based from the facility and monitored by staff.
Length of time to be out of contact is governed by the length of stay at the facility - 2 weeks, 4 weeks ...up to 3 months - depends on the facility. So 10 days would not be at all unusual.
Jim
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Latest on oxy-dependent girlfriend: I sent a her a card of support with a enclosure that she was being prayed for with the hope that all would work out. Instead, I was rebuffed by being unfollowed by her and blocked on her google + account. My note of support and goodwill was met with anger apparently. What gives? And still not a civil reply or explanation for why she hasn't communicated. Was I wrong to mention that I had put her on a prayer list?
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Originally Posted by cloudyskies 
Latest on oxy-dependent girlfriend: I sent a her a card of support with a enclosure that she was being prayed for with the hope that all would work out. Instead, I was rebuffed by being unfollowed by her and blocked on her google + account. My note of support and goodwill was met with anger apparently. What gives? And still not a civil reply or explanation for why she hasn't communicated. Was I wrong to mention that I had put her on a prayer list?
So long as you expect an addict to behave rationally, you'll always be disappointed.
When you came to us at the tail end of November with your story -- long distance relationship with an opiate addict -- I wrote the following:
You're going to have to do something you really don't want to do, and that's allow things to take their own course. I hate having to say that, but that's the honest truth. There's nothing you can do for her. I would start taking care of you, and slowly being the process of detaching from her.
This mean you're going to have to do something you do want to do, and that's let go. But I want you to be aware that her actions are less about you and more about her. Truth be told, your relationship was never going to work. It's hard enough to have a long distance relationship under ideal circumstances. Once you convolve addiction issues, what's hard enough becomes impossible.
As someone who knows a thing or two about loss and things not working out how we'd like, I'll leave you with this. This life we have, this one precious life, is both full of wonder and full of heartache. And sometimes when we're up to our ears in heartache, we fail to acknowledge the good possibilities that await us. They may not visit us right away, but at some point, they will. So on this New Year's Eve, I want you to be open to those possibilities and to start living the life you want to live. It may not be easy. It may sometimes suck. But there's a lot out there for all of us.
Don't despair. Just slowly let go. Things are going to be OK.
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I don't know her religious background, and some take that as condescending. I know my AXBF would be insulted and mad by that. But no you didn't do anything wrong. Your intentions were kind. I guess the thing we are doing wrong is not fully detaching and forgetting about them. Unfortunately the closure has to come from you. It probably won't ever come from her. Don't wait to be satisfied or vindicated from anything she says. You have to decide you are done and you don't want her because she has done things that's aren't acceptable to you. That's where the closure comes from.
Of course I've been staring at his Facebook all week hovering over the unfriend and block buttons but can't seem to pull the trigger. He chose to leave and forget me and I still feel it would be mean of me to unfriend him. I am afraid I'll regret it after. Even though there's nothing left to hang onto.
Of course I've been staring at his Facebook all week hovering over the unfriend and block buttons but can't seem to pull the trigger. He chose to leave and forget me and I still feel it would be mean of me to unfriend him. I am afraid I'll regret it after. Even though there's nothing left to hang onto.
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Originally Posted by zoso77
CS...
So long as you expect an addict to behave rationally, you'll always be disappointed.
When you came to us at the tail end of November with your story -- long distance relationship with an opiate addict -- I wrote the following:
Based on what you have described, she does not wish to be in contact with you. And it pains me to say that, man. However, at the end of the day, we all need to judge people by their actions. Outside looking in, her actions speak for themselves.
This mean you're going to have to do something you do want to do, and that's let go. But I want you to be aware that her actions are less about you and more about her. Truth be told, your relationship was never going to work. It's hard enough to have a long distance relationship under ideal circumstances. Once you convolve addiction issues, what's hard enough becomes impossible.
As someone who knows a thing or two about loss and things not working out how we'd like, I'll leave you with this. This life we have, this one precious life, is both full of wonder and full of heartache. And sometimes when we're up to our ears in heartache, we fail to acknowledge the good possibilities that await us. They may not visit us right away, but at some point, they will. So on this New Year's Eve, I want you to be open to those possibilities and to start living the life you want to live. It may not be easy. It may sometimes suck. But there's a lot out there for all of us.
Don't despair. Just slowly let go. Things are going to be OK.
So long as you expect an addict to behave rationally, you'll always be disappointed.
When you came to us at the tail end of November with your story -- long distance relationship with an opiate addict -- I wrote the following:
Based on what you have described, she does not wish to be in contact with you. And it pains me to say that, man. However, at the end of the day, we all need to judge people by their actions. Outside looking in, her actions speak for themselves.
This mean you're going to have to do something you do want to do, and that's let go. But I want you to be aware that her actions are less about you and more about her. Truth be told, your relationship was never going to work. It's hard enough to have a long distance relationship under ideal circumstances. Once you convolve addiction issues, what's hard enough becomes impossible.
As someone who knows a thing or two about loss and things not working out how we'd like, I'll leave you with this. This life we have, this one precious life, is both full of wonder and full of heartache. And sometimes when we're up to our ears in heartache, we fail to acknowledge the good possibilities that await us. They may not visit us right away, but at some point, they will. So on this New Year's Eve, I want you to be open to those possibilities and to start living the life you want to live. It may not be easy. It may sometimes suck. But there's a lot out there for all of us.
Don't despair. Just slowly let go. Things are going to be OK.
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Originally Posted by Priscilla84
I don't know her religious background, and some take that as condescending. I know my AXBF would be insulted and mad by that. But no you didn't do anything wrong. Your intentions were kind. I guess the thing we are doing wrong is not fully detaching and forgetting about them. Unfortunately the closure has to come from you. It probably won't ever come from her. Don't wait to be satisfied or vindicated from anything she says. You have to decide you are done and you don't want her because she has done things that's aren't acceptable to you. That's where the closure comes from.
Of course I've been staring at his Facebook all week hovering over the unfriend and block buttons but can't seem to pull the trigger. He chose to leave and forget me and I still feel it would be mean of me to unfriend him. I am afraid I'll regret it after. Even though there's nothing left to hang onto.
Of course I've been staring at his Facebook all week hovering over the unfriend and block buttons but can't seem to pull the trigger. He chose to leave and forget me and I still feel it would be mean of me to unfriend him. I am afraid I'll regret it after. Even though there's nothing left to hang onto.
The old saying that if something seems too good to be true, it probably is, is certainly applicable here. My gut instinct from the get-go knew there was something off about her, but I didn't know what. She was too energetic, too perky. Most people have ups and downs.
Priscilla, take heart. If you are religious, say some prayers, but the old saying that it's darkest just before the dawn is true. I'm always astounded at how God looks out for me just when I think it can't get worse; for you, that may mean a call from an old boyfriend who just got out of a relationship or meeting someone totally new. And feel free to be in contact with me anytime you need someone to chat with; I am there for you all. It makes me feel better to be able to at least try to encourage or at least listen to others.
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Cloudy,
Thank you. Given her religious background it's even more harsh for her to have reacted the way she did. But you know what they say about addicts and their behaviors...
I am right there with you on the gut feeling. I remember now being completely love bombed by this guy from the start, and me telling him there is no way he could love me yet as he didn't know me yet. He made promises from the start he couldn't possibly keep. He has anxiety attacks any night I wouldn't see him because of work or being tired or whatever. He freaked out about being alone and would go drink instead and send me 40,000 word texts all night. My head said "this is not a stable person and it will never work." My heart said "this feels nice and you never know how it will turn out unless you try."
My heart is a total dick.
Yeah, still haven't unfriended...
Thank you. Given her religious background it's even more harsh for her to have reacted the way she did. But you know what they say about addicts and their behaviors...
I am right there with you on the gut feeling. I remember now being completely love bombed by this guy from the start, and me telling him there is no way he could love me yet as he didn't know me yet. He made promises from the start he couldn't possibly keep. He has anxiety attacks any night I wouldn't see him because of work or being tired or whatever. He freaked out about being alone and would go drink instead and send me 40,000 word texts all night. My head said "this is not a stable person and it will never work." My heart said "this feels nice and you never know how it will turn out unless you try."
My heart is a total dick.
Yeah, still haven't unfriended...
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Priscilla, you are so right. I felt like she threw herself at me at the beginning; even told me she loved me very early on; and I said, let's take it slow. Then I began to trust her and wham...
What is it about this opiate addiction that makes them so free and easy with their emotional attachments; like they are desperate to get heavily involved. She couldn't have been nicer. Then just horrible after the truth comes out. So, I hear you completely.
Your gut instinct is usually never wrong.
What is it about this opiate addiction that makes them so free and easy with their emotional attachments; like they are desperate to get heavily involved. She couldn't have been nicer. Then just horrible after the truth comes out. So, I hear you completely.
Your gut instinct is usually never wrong.
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Well I don't like to try to find something wrong with an ex in an attempt to free myself of blame. I love this guy still and I have a lot of blame in what happened between us, so I don't want to sound like I'm playing the "my ex is crazy" card. But it has been suggested to me by a few people that he sounds like he has borderline personality disorder. None of us, myself included, can disagnose him, but the more I read the more it really sounds like him. Reckless behavior like substance abuse is one of the symptoms of the disorder. So it's possible that several of the addicts in this world don't necessarily get all their behaviors because of being addicts, but addiction could be one symptom of a larger, or at least more encompassing, issue.
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