Mia
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Join Date: Dec 2013
Posts: 46
Mia
My boyfriend of 6 years has been addicted to opiates/opioids for the last 3 years. It has been pure hell and I have posted details of the madness here in the past. Lies, stealing, overdoses, detox, Treatment centers,crashed cars.
In the 8 months his use has escalated to IV Heroin use. Prior to this, I moved out on my own and left him to figure out where he was going to live ,giving him the ultimatum to pursue Treatment and be in recovery for our relationship to continue. However, we have never broke up and still the chaos continues week to week with empty promises and relapses. Well, moving out and living separate was a huge step for me but I continued in this last year to talk to him daily and be with him often mostly running errands or things like that but not letting him at my house. Our spending time together almost always ends in an argument because I cant trust him and he continues to use. I thought I was taking steps in the right direction such as focusing on me, working out now, and mostly just having the chaos not in my living environment. However, my life is always on hold.
Lately I feel sucked back in even more with false hope that he is going to treatment. Getting him "better" is definitely my addiction.
He was able to live with his mom which has contributed to his drug use escalating. His family has had a lot of recent tragedies and stress such as a death of a family member he was very close with. Living there is stressful for him however he can come and go as he pleases and has no accountability or consequences for his actions. He says he lives with family to prove to me that he is not with anyone else ect.. and that he isn't ever staying the night somewhere else. I was so angry when I found out his mom had found spoons and needles and didn't say anything to anyone. Her way of dealing with this is just to not talk about it or pretend she doesn't know. She started letting addicts/dealers come and pick him up ect. and letting him bring his stolen merchandise to her house ect. that he uses to feed his habit. I pulled up his sleeves one day and found all the track marks. I panicked and rescued him and took him to a hotel with me to where he detoxed for a day and I then immediately got him into a medical Detox. That's what he said he wanted. He got out and didn't follow up with treatment. Makes little effort to get into inpatient if it isn't done for him. He uses the hospital ER as "treatment" then thinks he's fine and then uses again. My relationship with him changes week to week since I haven't had that backbone to go no contact completely. I guess I was so devastated when I looked at his arms and realized it has gotten so much worse now that I'm scared to go no contact. I know that I'm very codependent and have been there for him way too much and I'm always the responsible predictable one that holds it all together that he knows will be there to soften his fall. I have stuck to my boundaries though as far as he is not allowed at my house because he isn't in recovery ,he receives no financial support from me, and I took the car that was ours away from him a year ago. Recently he has said over and over he wants Treatment and the Vivitrol shot and to this time go to a sober house for men after. I know at those moments he does want it and he asked me to bring him to his drug assessment appointment and has completed it. So here is where I need advice...
As of this week he said he wants to go to inpatient and is willing to be in treatment over Christmas (before this was an excuse not to go) because this is the step he needs to take to get the Vivitrol shot. He seemed to have a positive whatever it takes attitude on this day. I took him to sign some paperwork and he will have a bed date any day now at inpatient, I took him to the office to get an appointment set that will give him a Vivitrol shot immediately after inpatient. This is all set up. He said he wanted this. He returned to his moms and I was to pick him up at a set time in two hours to button up some loose ends such as his storage so he couldn't have any excuses. The plan was to spend another night at his moms and the next day spend Thanksgiving with family because I had to work on Thanksgiving. He called me a half hour after I dropped him off and he sounded happy and ready to do the damn thing, told me he love me and we hung up. The time for me to pick him up rolls around and he had left and his mom didn't know where he went. Turns out his brother had found some paraphenelia and she told him the brother was going to kick him out. Which is all great that someone is setting limits over at his moms but it just happen to come on a day where things were getting settled with treatment finally and now he is MIA. this was 3 days ago and he has not called me since then which is incredibly unusual even when he is using. He NEVER is not in contact like this. Especially on Thanksgiving. I was very worried until now I just found out he showed up this morning (day after Thanksgiving) in some car grabbed a few things at his moms and left. She told him he is no longer allowed to live there. So now my sadness and worry has turned into anger. He can have some ones car to drive but couldn't call. My question is if he does call at some point what is my plan of action at this point. "Plan of action" yes I'm like his fricken probation officer/mother/girlfriend all wrapped into one. pathetic! I know I will probably get advice to go no contact since he has disappeared for 3 days but we are so close with this bed date finally if I say I cant talk to him anymore for sure he will not go. Also, I know for sure he is going to say he ran and used and disappeared because of not being able to live there anymore/brother seeing proof of his using. Uuuugghhh! I don't know if he will call or if this is his final I don't give a f*** and maybe he won't call. When he lived with me he would scrape to get what pills he could because he was still trying to hide it and didn't have as much time to go out and get it. Now, he has way more contacts, and is involved in the lifestyle way more, and its a daily thing wrapped up in stealing and using. He hasn't held up to obligations with the court yet they never issue a warrant for some reason he slides by. Advice on what to do if he calls? Only speak to him if he is at or on the way to the inpatient when the bed opens?
In the 8 months his use has escalated to IV Heroin use. Prior to this, I moved out on my own and left him to figure out where he was going to live ,giving him the ultimatum to pursue Treatment and be in recovery for our relationship to continue. However, we have never broke up and still the chaos continues week to week with empty promises and relapses. Well, moving out and living separate was a huge step for me but I continued in this last year to talk to him daily and be with him often mostly running errands or things like that but not letting him at my house. Our spending time together almost always ends in an argument because I cant trust him and he continues to use. I thought I was taking steps in the right direction such as focusing on me, working out now, and mostly just having the chaos not in my living environment. However, my life is always on hold.
Lately I feel sucked back in even more with false hope that he is going to treatment. Getting him "better" is definitely my addiction.
He was able to live with his mom which has contributed to his drug use escalating. His family has had a lot of recent tragedies and stress such as a death of a family member he was very close with. Living there is stressful for him however he can come and go as he pleases and has no accountability or consequences for his actions. He says he lives with family to prove to me that he is not with anyone else ect.. and that he isn't ever staying the night somewhere else. I was so angry when I found out his mom had found spoons and needles and didn't say anything to anyone. Her way of dealing with this is just to not talk about it or pretend she doesn't know. She started letting addicts/dealers come and pick him up ect. and letting him bring his stolen merchandise to her house ect. that he uses to feed his habit. I pulled up his sleeves one day and found all the track marks. I panicked and rescued him and took him to a hotel with me to where he detoxed for a day and I then immediately got him into a medical Detox. That's what he said he wanted. He got out and didn't follow up with treatment. Makes little effort to get into inpatient if it isn't done for him. He uses the hospital ER as "treatment" then thinks he's fine and then uses again. My relationship with him changes week to week since I haven't had that backbone to go no contact completely. I guess I was so devastated when I looked at his arms and realized it has gotten so much worse now that I'm scared to go no contact. I know that I'm very codependent and have been there for him way too much and I'm always the responsible predictable one that holds it all together that he knows will be there to soften his fall. I have stuck to my boundaries though as far as he is not allowed at my house because he isn't in recovery ,he receives no financial support from me, and I took the car that was ours away from him a year ago. Recently he has said over and over he wants Treatment and the Vivitrol shot and to this time go to a sober house for men after. I know at those moments he does want it and he asked me to bring him to his drug assessment appointment and has completed it. So here is where I need advice...
As of this week he said he wants to go to inpatient and is willing to be in treatment over Christmas (before this was an excuse not to go) because this is the step he needs to take to get the Vivitrol shot. He seemed to have a positive whatever it takes attitude on this day. I took him to sign some paperwork and he will have a bed date any day now at inpatient, I took him to the office to get an appointment set that will give him a Vivitrol shot immediately after inpatient. This is all set up. He said he wanted this. He returned to his moms and I was to pick him up at a set time in two hours to button up some loose ends such as his storage so he couldn't have any excuses. The plan was to spend another night at his moms and the next day spend Thanksgiving with family because I had to work on Thanksgiving. He called me a half hour after I dropped him off and he sounded happy and ready to do the damn thing, told me he love me and we hung up. The time for me to pick him up rolls around and he had left and his mom didn't know where he went. Turns out his brother had found some paraphenelia and she told him the brother was going to kick him out. Which is all great that someone is setting limits over at his moms but it just happen to come on a day where things were getting settled with treatment finally and now he is MIA. this was 3 days ago and he has not called me since then which is incredibly unusual even when he is using. He NEVER is not in contact like this. Especially on Thanksgiving. I was very worried until now I just found out he showed up this morning (day after Thanksgiving) in some car grabbed a few things at his moms and left. She told him he is no longer allowed to live there. So now my sadness and worry has turned into anger. He can have some ones car to drive but couldn't call. My question is if he does call at some point what is my plan of action at this point. "Plan of action" yes I'm like his fricken probation officer/mother/girlfriend all wrapped into one. pathetic! I know I will probably get advice to go no contact since he has disappeared for 3 days but we are so close with this bed date finally if I say I cant talk to him anymore for sure he will not go. Also, I know for sure he is going to say he ran and used and disappeared because of not being able to live there anymore/brother seeing proof of his using. Uuuugghhh! I don't know if he will call or if this is his final I don't give a f*** and maybe he won't call. When he lived with me he would scrape to get what pills he could because he was still trying to hide it and didn't have as much time to go out and get it. Now, he has way more contacts, and is involved in the lifestyle way more, and its a daily thing wrapped up in stealing and using. He hasn't held up to obligations with the court yet they never issue a warrant for some reason he slides by. Advice on what to do if he calls? Only speak to him if he is at or on the way to the inpatient when the bed opens?
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Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 1,452
Mia, I am so sorry for the situation you are in.
And, usually the SoberRecovery Boards are busy and you would have had many responses by now, but the Thanksgiving holiday must have taken people elsewhere.
My now exalcoholic husband was an alcoholic, not a substance abuser, but I finally realized and then believed that I could do nothing to change him. And that it was his right to make his own choices about how he lived, even if I thought his choices were terrible and destructive and my choices for him would have been better for him.
Each of us is an independent soul, and we have the right and obligation to make our own choices for ourselves and live with the consequences. I came to believe that it was arrogance on my part to try to dictate to him what his behavior "should" be.
The book that has helped many many of us is CoDependent No More by Melody Beattie. If you can pick up a copy of it, it is a good place to start.
My best wishes to you; don't give up on SR; people will be here to support you soon.
ShootingStar1
And, usually the SoberRecovery Boards are busy and you would have had many responses by now, but the Thanksgiving holiday must have taken people elsewhere.
My now exalcoholic husband was an alcoholic, not a substance abuser, but I finally realized and then believed that I could do nothing to change him. And that it was his right to make his own choices about how he lived, even if I thought his choices were terrible and destructive and my choices for him would have been better for him.
Each of us is an independent soul, and we have the right and obligation to make our own choices for ourselves and live with the consequences. I came to believe that it was arrogance on my part to try to dictate to him what his behavior "should" be.
The book that has helped many many of us is CoDependent No More by Melody Beattie. If you can pick up a copy of it, it is a good place to start.
My best wishes to you; don't give up on SR; people will be here to support you soon.
ShootingStar1
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
I know I will probably get advice to go no contact since he has disappeared for 3 days but we are so close with this bed date finally if I say I cant talk to him anymore for sure he will not go.
WE weren't close to a bed date.....HE WAS. you did everything but roll out the red carpet for him to walk in the doors of the treatment facility and what did HE do? took off.
if HE chooses not to go, that's HIS choice. if you decided to uphold boundaries and be DONE with this nonsense, and HE uses that as an EXCUSE not to, that is on HIM.
However, my life is always on hold.
and that is a choice that YOU make.
Lies, stealing, overdoses, detox, Treatment centers,crashed cars.
is this really what you want for YOUR life?
WE weren't close to a bed date.....HE WAS. you did everything but roll out the red carpet for him to walk in the doors of the treatment facility and what did HE do? took off.
if HE chooses not to go, that's HIS choice. if you decided to uphold boundaries and be DONE with this nonsense, and HE uses that as an EXCUSE not to, that is on HIM.
However, my life is always on hold.
and that is a choice that YOU make.
Lies, stealing, overdoses, detox, Treatment centers,crashed cars.
is this really what you want for YOUR life?
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Join Date: Dec 2013
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Thankyou for your input and pointing out that it is HIS choice and HIS bed date and not OURS or MINE.
The reason I wrote such a long winded post is I wanted to see what advice I would give someone if I read this post. My advice would be Run!!
Its time for me to back off and I realize this. I just seem to struggle with letting go and watching someone self destruct because I know in my own experience that loved ones being persistent and intervening is what lead me to treatment and saved my life. If they would have completely backed off I would probably be dead from the lifestyle I was living. When your using, your mindset is so clouded by the chemical changes in your brain that sometimes it does take someone pushing you into treatment so you can get that "clean" time, restore balance to the brain, and have some sense of clarity. But your right this is on HIM and this is HIS life and not mine and every situation is different and I shouldn't compare what worked for me to what will work for him.
Anvil, you asked if this is what I want for my life and the answer is hell no. I don't know why after moving out I didn't take that final step and cut the cord. Maybe its the nagging feeling of taking it so personal like he "loves" Heroin more than me. My mind is my own worse enemy at times and is always overanalyzing the situation. It would be best for me to get no updates about him from his family so I don't know what he is doing at all and so I wont be bothered by it. Oh, and another reason I don't want this life is his criminal behavior is increasing and I want no involvement with anyone he hangs with or the situations he is involved in.
The reason I wrote such a long winded post is I wanted to see what advice I would give someone if I read this post. My advice would be Run!!
Its time for me to back off and I realize this. I just seem to struggle with letting go and watching someone self destruct because I know in my own experience that loved ones being persistent and intervening is what lead me to treatment and saved my life. If they would have completely backed off I would probably be dead from the lifestyle I was living. When your using, your mindset is so clouded by the chemical changes in your brain that sometimes it does take someone pushing you into treatment so you can get that "clean" time, restore balance to the brain, and have some sense of clarity. But your right this is on HIM and this is HIS life and not mine and every situation is different and I shouldn't compare what worked for me to what will work for him.
Anvil, you asked if this is what I want for my life and the answer is hell no. I don't know why after moving out I didn't take that final step and cut the cord. Maybe its the nagging feeling of taking it so personal like he "loves" Heroin more than me. My mind is my own worse enemy at times and is always overanalyzing the situation. It would be best for me to get no updates about him from his family so I don't know what he is doing at all and so I wont be bothered by it. Oh, and another reason I don't want this life is his criminal behavior is increasing and I want no involvement with anyone he hangs with or the situations he is involved in.
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Originally Posted by Refiner 
Sorry but it sounds like the only one wanting him to seek treatment is YOU. You're not only on his crazy train, you're literally DRIVING it.
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they feed us what we want to hear. They tell us they want to change. They want to quit. They don't want to feel this way anymore.
It's all stall tactics. It takes one shared needle and a date with you to contract Hep-C, HIV, STD ... each time they disappear. The FIRST time should be enough but then they throw us some crumbs of affection and we cave. Same story, different addict. Realize that you have self worth and deserve what you reach for. If this is enough for you ... the isolation, excuses, hiding truths, being broke, going without the things that you work for, the tears and broken promises ... stay. If not, only you can make that change. I believe you are here because you have discovered that something isn't right with continuing this charade. Been there. He died because he could not find a way out of all of the trouble he had surrounded himself with. I don't want you to be me. Hugs, Joie
It's all stall tactics. It takes one shared needle and a date with you to contract Hep-C, HIV, STD ... each time they disappear. The FIRST time should be enough but then they throw us some crumbs of affection and we cave. Same story, different addict. Realize that you have self worth and deserve what you reach for. If this is enough for you ... the isolation, excuses, hiding truths, being broke, going without the things that you work for, the tears and broken promises ... stay. If not, only you can make that change. I believe you are here because you have discovered that something isn't right with continuing this charade. Been there. He died because he could not find a way out of all of the trouble he had surrounded himself with. I don't want you to be me. Hugs, Joie
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Originally Posted by JOIE12
they feed us what we want to hear. They tell us they want to change. They want to quit. They don't want to feel this way anymore.
It's all stall tactics. It takes one shared needle and a date with you to contract Hep-C, HIV, STD ... each time they disappear. The FIRST time should be enough but then they throw us some crumbs of affection and we cave. Same story, different addict. Realize that you have self worth and deserve what you reach for. If this is enough for you ... the isolation, excuses, hiding truths, being broke, going without the things that you work for, the tears and broken promises ... stay. If not, only you can make that change. I believe you are here because you have discovered that something isn't right with continuing this charade. Been there. He died because he could not find a way out of all of the trouble he had surrounded himself with. I don't want you to be me. Hugs, Joie
It's all stall tactics. It takes one shared needle and a date with you to contract Hep-C, HIV, STD ... each time they disappear. The FIRST time should be enough but then they throw us some crumbs of affection and we cave. Same story, different addict. Realize that you have self worth and deserve what you reach for. If this is enough for you ... the isolation, excuses, hiding truths, being broke, going without the things that you work for, the tears and broken promises ... stay. If not, only you can make that change. I believe you are here because you have discovered that something isn't right with continuing this charade. Been there. He died because he could not find a way out of all of the trouble he had surrounded himself with. I don't want you to be me. Hugs, Joie
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Join Date: Feb 2015
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Hi Uncaged,
I don't write much here but I am on the SR forums reading almost every night. Just wanted to respond to your post because something you said struck a chord.
I am very aware of these very crucial moments, that seem like turning points in our Addicts' recovery. Those moments where everything seem to be FINALLY going smoothly, and then somehow turn bad. I went through so many of those moments (so, so many times) with my ex. There were several times when he'd relapse, I would find out, tell him he needed to get better, and leave with him, to places for him to detox. Each time it would be based on his decision (where he would detox, how he would get treatment, what he would do). From the moment I found out he had relapsed, I would make myself be the driving force for him to get clean. I would buy tickets, ensure everything is in tiptop shape for him to make a clean exit. I would wait anxiously for the train, hoping it wasn't late. The moments before he left, my nerves would be in tatters, praying nothing went wrong, praying no one said anything that would make him flip and change his mind about getting clean. I was basically guiding him, almost literally, by the hand for him to get sober.
It wasn't until I'd walked with him upto the gates of a rehab, and he refused to go in (he didn't like the counsellors attitude, he didn't like how the security guards outside checked his luggage...etc) that made me finally realise he really would look for any excuse to turn towards heroin. I could fix things for him time and time again, but he can, and would turn to heroin whenever he had the chance to.
What I mean to say is this: you believe he is about to get better. You think this is finally the time he gets it right. He just needs you a little bit of the way, just finally so close, right about to get better. Just needs a tiny little bit of your help.
I think it is us as codependents who tell ourselves this narrative of THEIR recovery, and try to find excuses to keep hanging on. Because, to tell you the truth, it is, in the beginning, the hardest thing to let go. TO finally actually tell our minds, our desperate codependent minds, that we need to let them go. Because, you see, there is NOTHING you can do. If he wants to get better, he will find the resources to get better, whatever his circumstance.
He will call. He will call and tell you of a relapse, of what had happened and home that made him leave. There will be explanations of why he went MIA. Of why going MIA was finally THE REASON why he would get sober. You both would have dreams together. He would shamelessly weave them into the narrative of why you should take him back. He has no one else now - not family, nowhere to leave, he is finally at rock bottom. The least you could do is not abandon him - he would say.
Please, get your strength to move away him from it now. Run. Instead of rationalising, to yourself, your reasons for hanging on to this crazy train, please try to remember all those times you have suffered for his sake. Decide that this is it, and wipe your hands from this. You can build new dreams - real ones, on your own. It will be heartbreaking and very very difficult, but I promise you, it will be a life so rewarding not having to cater for an addict's whims.
I don't write much here but I am on the SR forums reading almost every night. Just wanted to respond to your post because something you said struck a chord.
Originally Posted by uncaged
I know I will probably get advice to go no contact since he has disappeared for 3 days but we are so close with this bed date finally if I say I cant talk to him anymore for sure he will not go. Also, I know for sure he is going to say he ran and used and disappeared because of not being able to live there anymore/brother seeing proof of his using. Uuuugghhh! I don't know if he will call or if this is his final I don't give a f*** and maybe he won't call.
It wasn't until I'd walked with him upto the gates of a rehab, and he refused to go in (he didn't like the counsellors attitude, he didn't like how the security guards outside checked his luggage...etc) that made me finally realise he really would look for any excuse to turn towards heroin. I could fix things for him time and time again, but he can, and would turn to heroin whenever he had the chance to.
What I mean to say is this: you believe he is about to get better. You think this is finally the time he gets it right. He just needs you a little bit of the way, just finally so close, right about to get better. Just needs a tiny little bit of your help.
I think it is us as codependents who tell ourselves this narrative of THEIR recovery, and try to find excuses to keep hanging on. Because, to tell you the truth, it is, in the beginning, the hardest thing to let go. TO finally actually tell our minds, our desperate codependent minds, that we need to let them go. Because, you see, there is NOTHING you can do. If he wants to get better, he will find the resources to get better, whatever his circumstance.
He will call. He will call and tell you of a relapse, of what had happened and home that made him leave. There will be explanations of why he went MIA. Of why going MIA was finally THE REASON why he would get sober. You both would have dreams together. He would shamelessly weave them into the narrative of why you should take him back. He has no one else now - not family, nowhere to leave, he is finally at rock bottom. The least you could do is not abandon him - he would say.
Please, get your strength to move away him from it now. Run. Instead of rationalising, to yourself, your reasons for hanging on to this crazy train, please try to remember all those times you have suffered for his sake. Decide that this is it, and wipe your hands from this. You can build new dreams - real ones, on your own. It will be heartbreaking and very very difficult, but I promise you, it will be a life so rewarding not having to cater for an addict's whims.
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Thankyou Tartel you definitely understand exactly the spot I'm in and how I am feeling. Its true always thinking this is the time and its really going to work this time!! yet.. it never does. And yes I have suffered greatly. Sadness, anger, anxiety, spending time looking after him or for him, and I tend to not get close with people and keep that wall up. He has not been there for me emotionally and barely physically for years now as I bend over backwords for him. When I need help with anything I have to go to other people because I simply cannot count on him. A few years ago I have literally put him on a train to another city and had his sister pick him up on the other end to take him to a detox and then treatment she arranged for in another city to get out of here and away from it. Well, guess what he went to treatment, got out, and then overdosed in that other city and was found almost dead on a sidewalk and picked up by ambulance. He is always high (either hyper or nodding) or too sick in withdrawal to do things. Its always the latest excuse playing the victim role of why he used. Your right. Nothing has worked and I need to stop thinking its my responsibility and that this time will be the time. I have done everything I could.
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thank you Tartel ... your words bring back so many memories. So much anxiety and 'waiting' pain. We need to remember where we have been so that we never feel the need to go back there again. I truly wish not one other person ever felt this kind of illness. Sometimes I thought it hurt so much I could just die.
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DAY 5 !!! .... and still haven't heard a word from ABF. As angry and curious as I am since this is just crazy out of the ordinary for him I'm fighting the urge to call his family and see if he has been by or called. I'm also fighting going to ask other people. I only know a few of where his drug buddies live because he keeps me separate from all that and lives a secret life. I will not go there.
Many emotions and questions are flooding my brain such as if its more than just the drug and he is with someone else now that does Heroin with him. I know I shouldn't care but I cant help but wonder what would make it such a long period of time this go 'round. He's said a million times he would never be with someone but he also said he would never shoot up ect.... I know I shouldn't care!! I'm keeping myself as busy as possible and plan to restart the gym this week and yoga. Get the ol endorphins going and release some stress. Not going to lie... this hurts. Especially since he knows that the not knowing makes it 10 times harder. I'm telling myself that this is absolutely a deal breaker!! If he wasn't ever on Heroin/pills I would never have sat here and been okay with him staying out and especially 5 days without a reason and no communication and he would have NEVER accepted that with me either (he would have been livid!) so why should I ever think this is okay just because he's an addict. Its not okay and its not an excuse for him to completely disregard my feelings. As a matter of fact, he always usually wants to know what I'm up to or where I'm at too so this is really different this time. I know I'm rambling!!
Oh! and by the way, we packed most of his belongings out of his moms house earlier this week before he disappeared to bring them to storage as he was going to go to treatment and didn't plan to return to her house after treatment. I have most of his crap in the back of my SUV. These are his prize possessions and all his clothes. Yesterday, I was driving around listening to music on blast singing with all of this in the back just thinking is this for real? He also has some more bags of hoarder type stuff in my garage. Trust me the devil was on one shoulder pointing me towards the goodwill but no, I wont do that. Just venting! typing my thoughts is really helping. On a brighter note I have decided to go to my families for Christmas and get out of here. Even swirling around thoughts of something drastic like a permanent move in the near future.
Many emotions and questions are flooding my brain such as if its more than just the drug and he is with someone else now that does Heroin with him. I know I shouldn't care but I cant help but wonder what would make it such a long period of time this go 'round. He's said a million times he would never be with someone but he also said he would never shoot up ect.... I know I shouldn't care!! I'm keeping myself as busy as possible and plan to restart the gym this week and yoga. Get the ol endorphins going and release some stress. Not going to lie... this hurts. Especially since he knows that the not knowing makes it 10 times harder. I'm telling myself that this is absolutely a deal breaker!! If he wasn't ever on Heroin/pills I would never have sat here and been okay with him staying out and especially 5 days without a reason and no communication and he would have NEVER accepted that with me either (he would have been livid!) so why should I ever think this is okay just because he's an addict. Its not okay and its not an excuse for him to completely disregard my feelings. As a matter of fact, he always usually wants to know what I'm up to or where I'm at too so this is really different this time. I know I'm rambling!!
Oh! and by the way, we packed most of his belongings out of his moms house earlier this week before he disappeared to bring them to storage as he was going to go to treatment and didn't plan to return to her house after treatment. I have most of his crap in the back of my SUV. These are his prize possessions and all his clothes. Yesterday, I was driving around listening to music on blast singing with all of this in the back just thinking is this for real? He also has some more bags of hoarder type stuff in my garage. Trust me the devil was on one shoulder pointing me towards the goodwill but no, I wont do that. Just venting! typing my thoughts is really helping. On a brighter note I have decided to go to my families for Christmas and get out of here. Even swirling around thoughts of something drastic like a permanent move in the near future.
Curmudgeon, Electrical Engineer, Guitar God Wannabe
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Where the mighty arms of Atlas hold the heavens from the Earth
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Late wading into this thread. I'm going to keep my remarks brief and to the point.
He is unfixable, unless he wants to fix himself. Any and all efforts to try to fix him will fail. If this is how you choose to live your life, then you're not going to be healthy, let alone happy.
He is unfixable, unless he wants to fix himself. Any and all efforts to try to fix him will fail. If this is how you choose to live your life, then you're not going to be healthy, let alone happy.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2013
Posts: 46
2 weeks today and I have not heard anything from my "EX" ABF. His family hasn't heard from him either. I have refrained from asking around but I do know he missed an appointment he really wanted and he isn't in jail. I'm doing well despite my worry. I realize this is best for me but it is still sad. Loving him from afar, praying for the best but cant help but think the worst. This is so beyond any pattern of his of the last several years I just cant seem to state that enough.
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Join Date: Nov 2014
Posts: 1,222
Originally Posted by uncaged
2 weeks today and I have not heard anything from my "EX" ABF. His family hasn't heard from him either. I have refrained from asking around but I do know he missed an appointment he really wanted and he isn't in jail. I'm doing well despite my worry. I realize this is best for me but it is still sad. Loving him from afar, praying for the best but cant help but think the worst. This is so beyond any pattern of his of the last several years I just cant seem to state that enough.
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Join Date: Sep 2015
Location: Florida
Posts: 41
Hi uncaged- Just ran across this post which I totally needed to read this morning. I kicked out my AXBF in October, where he went to his parents who enable his crack/alcohol addiction (they also know all about his using, but just pretend its not happening). But we still talk and saw each other until last Friday. He is out of school and starting to isolate from me as he has freedom to use without worry. He still has a bunch of his stuff at my house (I thought about going to a pawn shop). He has been telling me the last few days via text that he wants help (he went to rehab 2 times before and did attend meetings) and is looking at sober living places. I think he is just trying to tell me what I want to hear. I am trying so hard to detach, but it is so hard for me to do. I know I need to eventually go No contact.
I know what you mean when you say you are addicted to your addict, I feel like an addict myself. Hugs!!
Owl
I know what you mean when you say you are addicted to your addict, I feel like an addict myself. Hugs!!
Owl
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Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
You need to step back and let him do what he is going to do. If he wants recovery, he will seek it out himself. If not, he won't. He is not investing anything into this himself, you are hearing him say he wants recovery and then doing everything for him. It has to stop.
You clearly need help yourself. You recognize you are extremely codependent. You need to seek help for that, and being entangled with him in this mess is not going to enable you to be well for YOU. You deserve more, you just have to allow yourself to see that.
Sometimes it's better to love from afar. Many hugs to you.
You clearly need help yourself. You recognize you are extremely codependent. You need to seek help for that, and being entangled with him in this mess is not going to enable you to be well for YOU. You deserve more, you just have to allow yourself to see that.
Sometimes it's better to love from afar. Many hugs to you.
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