healing856

Thank you for the add. Grateful to be part of a group that offers support and insight. Want to try to keep it as short as possible, seems so difficult to relate this journey. Been divorced for a year and a half now from an addict. We were married 14 years and have 3 children. He was using when I met him but of course minimized. Now I suspect he used the entire marriage in spurts. Crack cocaine was his drug of choice. I had an " awakening" 2 years ago and realized that I was putting him and his issues before me and most of all my children. It has been a difficult path and we lost everything that I worked so hard for in the process. We were both masters of denial. Since the split I have grown back into myself in many ways. I am a professional and close to finishing graduate school. Most days I feel hopeful for the future of me and my children. I have become mindful in practicing self-care and have begun exercising, eating better, meditating and surrounding myself with people who value a healthy lifestyle. Been feeling good. Seem to be having a set back. The last few times I saw him I became convinced that he had cancer or something he looked awful. He just admitted to me that not only had he started using again, but he moved on to heroin. When I saw him he was going through withdraw because he lost his car. He is basically homeless, about to loss his job...lost everything. He is in such a bad state. I thought I was good at detachment by now, but my heart hurts so much. What I really need help with is how to handle the guilt. The guilt of enabling him and creating a comfortable life with a beautiful home and amazing children with an active addict, only to have it ripped away. Guilt for knowingly having children with someone struggling with addiction, thinking that love would make it all work. Today, I am fixated on how I will have to tell my beautiful children that their father is dead because I have no hope for recovery. He has been an addict for over 30 years now, and the heroin road feels hopeless. I know that I was addicted to him and his addiction, and I am proud of myself for putting me and the kids first but I am so sad today.

zoso77

healing...

Welcome to the Board. I'm really grateful that you both found us and took the time to post. Others will be by to greet you in due course, but until they do, I'd like to share my thoughts.

We're approaching a very difficult time of year for a lot of people. I think the holidays magnify our sense of loss. There is no question that you've suffered a major loss. But there's also no question in my mind that this is how your marriage going to end, especially when you say:

No matter what you did, healing, he was going to do whatever he wanted to do. Nothing was going to get in the way of his addiction. Not you, not your three children, nothing. So you made a tough call, one that had to be made. And you deserve a lot of credit for making that call, following through, and minimizing the damage to both yourself and your kids. Doing the right thing, more often than not in situations like this, feels awful.

What you have described above is fundamentally no different than what most of us here at FFSA went through. When we love someone that much, we really want to believe we can love someone out of addiction. Only it doesn't work that way. Addiction is more powerful than love. And most of here who've been through what you're going through have come to the conclusion that just because you love someone doesn't mean they should be in our lives. Your AXH has made his choices. You've made yours in response. Don't allow yourself to be paralyzed by what could happen in the future, because you're not there yet. Keep doing the things you're doing. And instead of feeling guilty that your brought your kids into the world under those circumstances, look at them as what they really are, which are a blessing.

You can't change what has already happened. What you can affect is how your life and the lives of your children will be going forward. Be in the moment. Be in today.

Stick around. We're all in your corner. And again, Welcome to the Board.

CaringScared

I'm sorry. Zoso said it best. Much love, hope, and strength to you.

healing856

Thank you. I know you are right. Today, I did something I never do. I opted out of obligations. I dropped my kids off at school. Posted, cried, and when to back to sleep. Just getting up. I've been sooo busy since the divorce. Thrown myself into a tough academic program. Making those three blessings everything, which they are. I am simultaneously dealing with the "loss" of my mother...dementia has her in it's grips. And doing the things I know I need to do to love myself as much as possible. Saturday, I felt like I was knocked down. Like another layer of denial was lifted with that confession of his...and my heart broke all over again. Just last week, someone commented on what a great place I seemed to be in and I agreed. I smiled and went to dance to my favorite band of over 20 years. Right now, I don't know how I can feel so good when in my heart I feel like he will die, soon. And I do know that I have no control over that. Been addressing my co-dependency issues for a while now. But no matter how enlightened I feel, the overwhelming thought is not that I caused this. But I do have some responsibility. If I wouldn't have been so blind and gone through all the motions of "normal" life for so long, maybe his sense of loss wouldn't have been so intense when I couldn't take it anymore. For sure he would have felt his consequences long ago and had a better chance of survival. Probably seems like I am ignoring your advice to live in the moment, but I'm really not. It is the best advice there is, thank you. I think I've only processed in spurts though, and as a health care professional, I know the statistics of survival at his age are so very low. Gonna allow myself these tears, this hurt, this debilitating sadness until I have to pick up my kids. Then we will have dinner and I will pick myself up and go to yoga, practice being in the moment and energize up again. I appreciate your words more than you know. Thank you.

JimC60

Dear Healing,

Welcome to the forum, you have found a good place.

When my daughter announced that she was addicted to heroin and needed help, I was also guilt ridden -- all day long the questions flew in my head, all directed at me and all addressed my "failing" as a parent - I should have..., I would have..., I could have... I am sure you know the mental drill.

Nar-Anon has a saying / slogan which you might find helpful, I know I did; it is known as the Three C's.....

You didn't Cause it, you can't Control it and you can't Cure it.

I found that when I really accepted these as complete truth, my guilt went away. Maybe the Three C's can help you.

Keep coming back,

Jim

JD4320

You know, I'm really glad to hear you are here. It sounds like yo did a really great thing that hurts a lot. I know it will be an inspiration to many of us here. One thing I would highlight that hasn't already been said, but for the sake of your children you did a great thing. Events like that make impressions on children, and seeing you hold your ground and standing up for them and yourself will stick with them forever. It might even go far to help them to avoid the same pitfalls as your husband.

JOIE12

I have the same guilt. However, I ended the process before he died. So have you. Be proud of yourself. What will really hurt you, is to spend one dime, one minute, one day helping someone who refuses to help himself. You are off that merry go round - please let him go, for your own sense of peace. And your children. And the life that you have begun again. Guilt is an awful thing, but the guilt of letting go is so much easier to accept than the guilt of helping someone into death. Be strong and many hugs to you, Joie