Nov 9
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2015
Posts: 58
Nov 9
November 9th is his sobriety date. Is it normal for your spouse to be short and distant from you? I get he is going through emotional and mental stuff but so am i. What can I do to ease the tension there? I'm supposed to go with his sponsors wife to an al anon meeting on tuesday...and I can't wait to see how it goes.
Curmudgeon, Electrical Engineer, Guitar God Wannabe
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Where the mighty arms of Atlas hold the heavens from the Earth
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When you say November 9 is his sobriety date, does that mean he stopped using this past November 9? Or November 9 of last year? Two years ago?
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
i thought i read in a previous post that you two are separated and you have an agreement with your mother that if you "relapse" on him or take him back, you must surrender your children to her.
hon, that should be a big HUGE wake up call....for YOU. what your AH is or isn't doing, how he's acting, whatever, that's HIS stuff now. if he truly did quit H on Nov 9, that is barely a dent in time. there are no magic fixes. it will take him a long LONG time to really begin to appear like a recovering person.....but at 11 days? you are being unrealistic in your expectations.
by all means GO to that alanon meeting. but do it FOR YOU. you need just as much support and healing as he does.
hon, that should be a big HUGE wake up call....for YOU. what your AH is or isn't doing, how he's acting, whatever, that's HIS stuff now. if he truly did quit H on Nov 9, that is barely a dent in time. there are no magic fixes. it will take him a long LONG time to really begin to appear like a recovering person.....but at 11 days? you are being unrealistic in your expectations.
by all means GO to that alanon meeting. but do it FOR YOU. you need just as much support and healing as he does.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: WI
Posts: 1,426
Totally agree with you Anvil. I learned the hard way who can fix who.
I can only heal myself, my hurts, my mistrusts with the addicts in my life,
that I love. I needed to love me, get rid of the blame game, stop taking
everything my daughters say as "the gospel truth", because sadly it's not.
Save your energy, and use it wisely on yourself. Fix your hurts first.
TF
I can only heal myself, my hurts, my mistrusts with the addicts in my life,
that I love. I needed to love me, get rid of the blame game, stop taking
everything my daughters say as "the gospel truth", because sadly it's not.
Save your energy, and use it wisely on yourself. Fix your hurts first.
TF
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2015
Posts: 58
Originally Posted by AnvilheadII 
i thought i read in a previous post that you two are separated and you have an agreement with your mother that if you "relapse" on him or take him back, you must surrender your children to her.
hon, that should be a big HUGE wake up call....for YOU. what your AH is or isn't doing, how he's acting, whatever, that's HIS stuff now. if he truly did quit H on Nov 9, that is barely a dent in time. there are no magic fixes. it will take him a long LONG time to really begin to appear like a recovering person.....but at 11 days? you are being unrealistic in your expectations.
by all means GO to that alanon meeting. but do it FOR YOU. you need just as much support and healing as he does.
hon, that should be a big HUGE wake up call....for YOU. what your AH is or isn't doing, how he's acting, whatever, that's HIS stuff now. if he truly did quit H on Nov 9, that is barely a dent in time. there are no magic fixes. it will take him a long LONG time to really begin to appear like a recovering person.....but at 11 days? you are being unrealistic in your expectations.
by all means GO to that alanon meeting. but do it FOR YOU. you need just as much support and healing as he does.
The agreement was set a few days before detox. If he didn't stay clean after coming home from detox then he'd get kicked out. If i enable him in any way (using the car, giving money, etc..) I'd get kicked out too. He decided to go to detox and I expected the same results that happen every other time. But still always had faith in him. This time he went straight to a halfway house and started meetings the night he got out of detox. He's been going to atleast 2 or 3 a day since the halfway house. I'm glad he's taking initiative. I know he has to take care of himself and I have to take care of myself. He relapsed while he was at the halfway house..after coming down he said enough. And got real serious. I believe he's on the right path. I just feel forgotten, left out. We can't even talk without it being an arguement. Partially me like I said earlier being a queen b. I just don't get him right now. I'm with the kids all day and can't get stuff done that I need to. He's gone and I can't even go to meetings.
I know things won't be normal for awhile. I know there's no magic fixes. It's hard to concentrate on me when I have a gagillion things going on. Yoga? That's supposed to make you feel good. Is that how it works?
I know 11 days is short. He says it feels like it's been a month. What really should I expect from him? I know I can't expect him to do his laundry on his own. (Lol not lol) what should I expect from myself? I guess I've been so busy taking care of everyone else, I don't know how to take care of myself. I want things to change because I know we can do it. If he relapses, I guess I'll have to deal with that then. But I believe we can change together.
I'm not sure that made much sense..sorry. Have so many thoughts and emotions running around like crazy.
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Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: USA
Posts: 574
You feel left out ?
First thing - his recovery is his own
Second - heroin clears the system but not the mind. The chemicals that stopped being produced while using - will not return for a while.
Third - if he relapsed in the halfway house - then November 9th is not his sobriety date.
No one can advise you about what you should or should not do but we can offer our experiences. My ABF was in and out of detox a couple of times. Each time he began using right away, tho he lied about it. He went to meetings, had urine and swab tests. He could fake the urine tests. Lied about the swab results. One time, he was in court for a traffic infraction and a hypo charge - the judge read his swab results. He didn't dare look at me.
We learn to keep taking care of this human who can take care of themselves. We get a little something out of the rescue each day but it's not 'real'. They will tell us what we need to hear to keep us tethered. To keep the rides, home, money, groveling ... while waiting for a crumb of affection. I don't think there is a person here who thinks that it was worth it.
When we help them, we create a safety net. They grow dependent upon it. With it, they are able to ignore reality. They are not there for us emotionally, financially, physically or romantically. Our eyes open slowly and the sorrow and guilt can consume even the strongest person.
Just as you deserve to learn to take care of yourself, he deserves to take care of himself. For me, I didn't really want a man that I 'took care' of.
First thing - his recovery is his own
Second - heroin clears the system but not the mind. The chemicals that stopped being produced while using - will not return for a while.
Third - if he relapsed in the halfway house - then November 9th is not his sobriety date.
No one can advise you about what you should or should not do but we can offer our experiences. My ABF was in and out of detox a couple of times. Each time he began using right away, tho he lied about it. He went to meetings, had urine and swab tests. He could fake the urine tests. Lied about the swab results. One time, he was in court for a traffic infraction and a hypo charge - the judge read his swab results. He didn't dare look at me.
We learn to keep taking care of this human who can take care of themselves. We get a little something out of the rescue each day but it's not 'real'. They will tell us what we need to hear to keep us tethered. To keep the rides, home, money, groveling ... while waiting for a crumb of affection. I don't think there is a person here who thinks that it was worth it.
When we help them, we create a safety net. They grow dependent upon it. With it, they are able to ignore reality. They are not there for us emotionally, financially, physically or romantically. Our eyes open slowly and the sorrow and guilt can consume even the strongest person.
Just as you deserve to learn to take care of yourself, he deserves to take care of himself. For me, I didn't really want a man that I 'took care' of.
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Join Date: Oct 2015
Posts: 34
Hi Iwishonstars777,
Sounds like you're in the right place right now. And like he's in the right place. As hard as it is to do, you're going to have to let him figure all this out by himself. He'll do it by himself, for himself, and there's honestly not a whole lot you can do. Especially right now, he tried to get straight and went straight to relapse. To me, it sounds like he has a long road to travel yet. Trust that he is in a good place with people who can help. The best thing you can do for him at this point is to just give him space to figure things out. I know it feels impossible and like you're being pushed out (I'm feeling similarly right now), but it really is the only way. Talk to people here, ask questions, go to an alanon meeting if that feels right to you, talk to a counselor, and take care of yourself first and foremost.
Strength to you
Sounds like you're in the right place right now. And like he's in the right place. As hard as it is to do, you're going to have to let him figure all this out by himself. He'll do it by himself, for himself, and there's honestly not a whole lot you can do. Especially right now, he tried to get straight and went straight to relapse. To me, it sounds like he has a long road to travel yet. Trust that he is in a good place with people who can help. The best thing you can do for him at this point is to just give him space to figure things out. I know it feels impossible and like you're being pushed out (I'm feeling similarly right now), but it really is the only way. Talk to people here, ask questions, go to an alanon meeting if that feels right to you, talk to a counselor, and take care of yourself first and foremost.
Strength to you
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2015
Posts: 58
Thank you all. I actually met up with his sponsors wife tonight and I feel so much better. I really needed a listening ear to get a lot off my chest, from the past and my present frustrations. Her husband has been clean for 8 years and she's been with al anon for 5. She told me how the program works for the guys and what al anon would do for us girls. I feel more comfortable in this process. I'm very well aware that things aren't going to change immediately and it will take time and dedication on both our parts to get where we want to be. I can't express how proud i am of him. For all the struggles and hurdles he had been through to get to this point.
Talking to her made me feel normal for feeling what I was feeling. She didn't intimidate me (even though this was the first time we met). I felt as though I've known her awhile and I can trust her (wow, trust? Let alone someone I don't know)
I have a good feeling about this time around. I know nothing will be perfect right away but with team work and communication, it can be done someday. I know it's a process. It's all in how I need to handle situations and manage my emotions. Him acting the way he has been is apparently normal as well. I can only imagine coming off a drug like heroin. I know that just because he's clean, doesn't mean his mind is. I know that. I'm not going to say I'm a pro in this area but I've also seen the past almost 5 years of what it can do to a person and those around them. My issue is how to handle and manage...and worry about myself rather than him. After being in a relationship like ours, I don't expect a full recovery for years to come, if there really is such a thing as a full recovery. But i do have expectations of our lives getting better as time goes on. I have hope, I have faith, and I will continue to hold on and try my best to do the best I can for myself, our girls, and him.
Talking to her made me feel normal for feeling what I was feeling. She didn't intimidate me (even though this was the first time we met). I felt as though I've known her awhile and I can trust her (wow, trust? Let alone someone I don't know)
I have a good feeling about this time around. I know nothing will be perfect right away but with team work and communication, it can be done someday. I know it's a process. It's all in how I need to handle situations and manage my emotions. Him acting the way he has been is apparently normal as well. I can only imagine coming off a drug like heroin. I know that just because he's clean, doesn't mean his mind is. I know that. I'm not going to say I'm a pro in this area but I've also seen the past almost 5 years of what it can do to a person and those around them. My issue is how to handle and manage...and worry about myself rather than him. After being in a relationship like ours, I don't expect a full recovery for years to come, if there really is such a thing as a full recovery. But i do have expectations of our lives getting better as time goes on. I have hope, I have faith, and I will continue to hold on and try my best to do the best I can for myself, our girls, and him.
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
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so was Nov 9 the day he went to detox or the day after he relapsed while in the halfway house? it sounds like the latter which means he really has about 5 days maybe of consecutive days of NOT using.
you can really help yourself out here by ratcheting down any expectations, thinking that there is much of "we" right now or that he can in any way be a present partner. just because today he is doing some of the "right" things doesn't mean he can maintain that over time. if he can string together a full YEAR of clean time with NO relapses, then right about November 22, 2016 you can start to see that maybe he IS serious THIS time. and even then he would be considered in EARLY recovery.
you can really help yourself out here by ratcheting down any expectations, thinking that there is much of "we" right now or that he can in any way be a present partner. just because today he is doing some of the "right" things doesn't mean he can maintain that over time. if he can string together a full YEAR of clean time with NO relapses, then right about November 22, 2016 you can start to see that maybe he IS serious THIS time. and even then he would be considered in EARLY recovery.
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Join Date: Jun 2014
Location: MD
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It took 3 months of dedicated Alanon work to get my mind off RAW's recovery, at first I was still "weaponed up" wrt relating to her and was perfectly happy to rub her face in it using Alanon language like I knew something. But at some point it started sinking in and I started realizing how much I had my claws into her, always trying for the emotional fix- I feel ok if the relationship feels OK and if it doesn't then I'm not OK. I had to get busy with the steps and a sponsor to start making progress. At 10 months in or so I was feeling weird about all the calm in my head, no outrage and resentment.. a mild patience while stuck in traffic and mostly able to accept the emotional wall and isolation she desires. A bit over a year in and did my first imperfect 4th/5th step with my sponsor. I didn't get angels serenading from on high but a lot of the fixations and assumptions and habits I had been working with for decades became clear, and I'm freer to act differently.
We still have the emotional distance and isolation but I wonder sometimes if they were more or less there for a very long time and I would go in a push for what I wanted and she would give in just to keep the peace which gave me the illusion that things were "better" then. The drinking and me amping up my "isms" sure made things worse, but they are a lot better now.
I don't get a strong recovery vibe from her but she is doing her work her way so its quite possible I'm just not tuned in to how things are working for her. I have to stay out of her stuff anyhow so I am not pursuing anything related to her recovery. Hard to say how things will be in a couple more years but I'm really grateful they're better than they were 2 years ago.
The Alanon program work does help me be patient... with her and with me.
We still have the emotional distance and isolation but I wonder sometimes if they were more or less there for a very long time and I would go in a push for what I wanted and she would give in just to keep the peace which gave me the illusion that things were "better" then. The drinking and me amping up my "isms" sure made things worse, but they are a lot better now.
I don't get a strong recovery vibe from her but she is doing her work her way so its quite possible I'm just not tuned in to how things are working for her. I have to stay out of her stuff anyhow so I am not pursuing anything related to her recovery. Hard to say how things will be in a couple more years but I'm really grateful they're better than they were 2 years ago.
The Alanon program work does help me be patient... with her and with me.
Curmudgeon, Electrical Engineer, Guitar God Wannabe
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Where the mighty arms of Atlas hold the heavens from the Earth
Posts: 3,403
Iwishonstars...
You ask, What really should I expect from him?
Not bloody much.
Do not make the mistake of underestimating the power of heroin and its grip on those ostensibly trying to get off of it. His body may be clean, but his brain remembers all too well what it's like to be under the influence. And that's why you cannot look at November 9 as a "sobriety" date. That is the day he last used. Two weeks of not using does not mean he's sober. Not by a long shot.
What are you doing to take care of you?
You ask, What really should I expect from him?
Not bloody much.
Do not make the mistake of underestimating the power of heroin and its grip on those ostensibly trying to get off of it. His body may be clean, but his brain remembers all too well what it's like to be under the influence. And that's why you cannot look at November 9 as a "sobriety" date. That is the day he last used. Two weeks of not using does not mean he's sober. Not by a long shot.
What are you doing to take care of you?
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