Conflicted
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Join Date: Nov 2015
Location: Los Angeles
Posts: 2
Conflicted
Newcomer here and have been browsing through the forums in hopes of getting some insight on what to do about my own situation. However, it appears that I just need to reach out and ask for some advice, feedback, or take.
I recently just got out of a relationship with someone whom I was very emotionally intimate with. Throughout our relationship, I was witness to some recreational drug use but being that we were in a long distance relationship (two different states), I was never really aware of how often he was using or how much he was using.
Our relationship recently expired as he made the decision to focus on working on some personal issues that he felt he needed to handle prior to establishing a proper relationship with anyone. I respected his decision and attempted to part ways, to which he fought tooth and nail to keep me in his life. I decided to submit to his request, primarily after the realization that he does not have any one else in his life that is stable, healthy, and engages in appropriate coping skills. I also realized that I ultimately set the boundary on when to respond to him.
The other day, his mother confronted me about her suspicions that he is using. I asked her what prompted the question as I did not feel comfortable sharing information with her. She had told me that she had suspected something was up considering that around the time that we were determining where to go with our relationship, he had began displaying signs of depression that she has not seen in him before. In addition, he was acting very verbally aggressive towards her (which is something that she said has progressed within the past several weeks). She cornered me into admitting that I have witnessed him using cocaine, smoking marijuana, and that he can easily go through a large handle of vodka alone within a matter of one evening. I ended up disclosing that he feels as though he's going down this very dark path and that he no longer feels fit to be in a relationship being that he is extremely unhappy with himself and feels as if he does not deserve good things.
Long story less long, she has decided to stage an intervention. She has asked me to physically be there, to which I set the boundary that I did not think it was appropriate for me to be physically present. She believes that I would be a very influential part of his decision to attend treatment, however respect my not wanting to physically be there and also respects my desire to keep the fact that I had informed her of his use. I spoke with the interventionist that she plans on having present and they said that they can have me write a letter to him or keep me on the phone for standby should her attempts fail. We have identified that there is no one else in his life who he's close to, and the people he does associate with are all users.
I have confidence in her ability to offer him the gift of rebuilding his life as well as the process the interventionist has laid out. The only thing I am questioning is whether or not its appropriate for me to even really be a part of his intervention, treatment, and recovery. I care about the guy immensely and understand that this isn't about me or our relationship--- I've shelved all of those concerns the minute that we discussed working on treating his addiction.
I don't know what to expect in regards to how much a person in treatment would be utilizing their support systems or what exactly I would be commiting to. I, personally, have a very strong sense of self and have got the best supports and self care plans in place. I just don't know if it's fit.
I don't want him to go through this alone, with his mother. I'm extraordinarily conflicted and don't know what to do. The intervention will be staged in a few weeks.
Any insight or advice or thoughts shared would be appreciated.
Thank you all for being such a supportive community and reading this.
I recently just got out of a relationship with someone whom I was very emotionally intimate with. Throughout our relationship, I was witness to some recreational drug use but being that we were in a long distance relationship (two different states), I was never really aware of how often he was using or how much he was using.
Our relationship recently expired as he made the decision to focus on working on some personal issues that he felt he needed to handle prior to establishing a proper relationship with anyone. I respected his decision and attempted to part ways, to which he fought tooth and nail to keep me in his life. I decided to submit to his request, primarily after the realization that he does not have any one else in his life that is stable, healthy, and engages in appropriate coping skills. I also realized that I ultimately set the boundary on when to respond to him.
The other day, his mother confronted me about her suspicions that he is using. I asked her what prompted the question as I did not feel comfortable sharing information with her. She had told me that she had suspected something was up considering that around the time that we were determining where to go with our relationship, he had began displaying signs of depression that she has not seen in him before. In addition, he was acting very verbally aggressive towards her (which is something that she said has progressed within the past several weeks). She cornered me into admitting that I have witnessed him using cocaine, smoking marijuana, and that he can easily go through a large handle of vodka alone within a matter of one evening. I ended up disclosing that he feels as though he's going down this very dark path and that he no longer feels fit to be in a relationship being that he is extremely unhappy with himself and feels as if he does not deserve good things.
Long story less long, she has decided to stage an intervention. She has asked me to physically be there, to which I set the boundary that I did not think it was appropriate for me to be physically present. She believes that I would be a very influential part of his decision to attend treatment, however respect my not wanting to physically be there and also respects my desire to keep the fact that I had informed her of his use. I spoke with the interventionist that she plans on having present and they said that they can have me write a letter to him or keep me on the phone for standby should her attempts fail. We have identified that there is no one else in his life who he's close to, and the people he does associate with are all users.
I have confidence in her ability to offer him the gift of rebuilding his life as well as the process the interventionist has laid out. The only thing I am questioning is whether or not its appropriate for me to even really be a part of his intervention, treatment, and recovery. I care about the guy immensely and understand that this isn't about me or our relationship--- I've shelved all of those concerns the minute that we discussed working on treating his addiction.
I don't know what to expect in regards to how much a person in treatment would be utilizing their support systems or what exactly I would be commiting to. I, personally, have a very strong sense of self and have got the best supports and self care plans in place. I just don't know if it's fit.
I don't want him to go through this alone, with his mother. I'm extraordinarily conflicted and don't know what to do. The intervention will be staged in a few weeks.
Any insight or advice or thoughts shared would be appreciated.
Thank you all for being such a supportive community and reading this.
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Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Where the mighty arms of Atlas hold the heavens from the Earth
Posts: 3,403
radioflower...
Welcome to the Board. I'm glad you took the step to post. Other members will be by to greet you in due course. Until they do, here's my two cents.
I suspect his mother is overestimating her ability to reach him. Be that as it may, I can appreciate your feelings on being conflicted. You, and you alone, are the best judge as to whether or not being there is person will compromise your well-being. For that is the only question that is relevant: your well-being.
If his mom is like other moms, she is going to do her best to try to "fix" him. Only she can't. For proof of that, all you have to do is read posts from Ann and ilovemysonjj, amongst others. They went through hell.
I understand that you care for him. But caring for someone does not mean you should allow yourself to get sucked into the vortex that is drug addiction. Based on that, I encourage you to find a way where you can express your caring and your concern while protecting yourself...if that is possible.
Keep us posted, and again, Welcome to the Board.
Welcome to the Board. I'm glad you took the step to post. Other members will be by to greet you in due course. Until they do, here's my two cents.
I don't want him to go through this alone, with his mother. I'm extraordinarily conflicted and don't know what to do. The intervention will be staged in a few weeks.
If his mom is like other moms, she is going to do her best to try to "fix" him. Only she can't. For proof of that, all you have to do is read posts from Ann and ilovemysonjj, amongst others. They went through hell.
I understand that you care for him. But caring for someone does not mean you should allow yourself to get sucked into the vortex that is drug addiction. Based on that, I encourage you to find a way where you can express your caring and your concern while protecting yourself...if that is possible.
Keep us posted, and again, Welcome to the Board.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2015
Posts: 33
It is so hard tying in drugs with a relationship. Feelings get so mixed and twisted.
Talking with someone like your sponsor or even a therapist can help. It's something many people have done though, so don't feel bad.
Just a lot of emotion you are going through. You can get through this!
Talking with someone like your sponsor or even a therapist can help. It's something many people have done though, so don't feel bad.
Just a lot of emotion you are going through. You can get through this!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2015
Location: Los Angeles
Posts: 2
Zoso77,
I appreciate your response immensely. I've decided to start keeping him at an arms distance and start enforcing some kind of boundary, as the truth stands: I am no longer in a relationship with him, and feel it necessary to impose my rights to rebuild my life and get over the relationship. Of course he does push it to some degree and continue to speak to me as if he were still a big part of my life. I notice that when I become more distance, he reaches out more... which is a classic pusher/puller mentality. It's gotten easier each day as I've made my peace with the fact that I have to and need to move forward with my life.
The interventionist appears to be completely confident in his mother's ability to pursuade him to going into treatment. To be honest with you, I think he has a good chance of agreeing to go. However... everything else I think she realizes is on him. She's surviving off of hope and a prayer, and the truth is maybe a part of me is, too.
I'm sure he has some reasons for not wanting to let me go. It could be part that I do have a profound impact on him and impart a sense of hope (I've been dealt some ****** cards in my life and have managed to persevere), but I've also shared with his mother and the interventionist that I may very well be another addiction. Because the minute that I attempt to push more distance between us, that's when he starts feeling some sense of withdrawal and will attempt to establish more communication between us.
I appreciate your response immensely. I've decided to start keeping him at an arms distance and start enforcing some kind of boundary, as the truth stands: I am no longer in a relationship with him, and feel it necessary to impose my rights to rebuild my life and get over the relationship. Of course he does push it to some degree and continue to speak to me as if he were still a big part of my life. I notice that when I become more distance, he reaches out more... which is a classic pusher/puller mentality. It's gotten easier each day as I've made my peace with the fact that I have to and need to move forward with my life.
The interventionist appears to be completely confident in his mother's ability to pursuade him to going into treatment. To be honest with you, I think he has a good chance of agreeing to go. However... everything else I think she realizes is on him. She's surviving off of hope and a prayer, and the truth is maybe a part of me is, too.
I'm sure he has some reasons for not wanting to let me go. It could be part that I do have a profound impact on him and impart a sense of hope (I've been dealt some ****** cards in my life and have managed to persevere), but I've also shared with his mother and the interventionist that I may very well be another addiction. Because the minute that I attempt to push more distance between us, that's when he starts feeling some sense of withdrawal and will attempt to establish more communication between us.
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Join Date: Apr 2013
Posts: 1,405
I agree with zoso: Put what you think is best for him and his mom aside, dig deep and decide what is the best thing for radioflower.
Additionally, and this is my opinion only based on over 15+ years experience. I have only heard of an intervention working once. In this case the gal had already on her own been accepted into a state funded facility. Her parents were unaware of this and did an intervention where they offered her rehab in a executive (celebrity) facility. Of course she took the plushy rehab, but would have done well in either place because she was done and ready to find a better way.
One of my favorite sayings is "we teach them well" and for all the other interventions in real life that I have heard of, the addict goes more underground and becomes even more untrusting, sneakier, better at hiding, deflecting, covering and less willing to communicate.
Additionally, and this is my opinion only based on over 15+ years experience. I have only heard of an intervention working once. In this case the gal had already on her own been accepted into a state funded facility. Her parents were unaware of this and did an intervention where they offered her rehab in a executive (celebrity) facility. Of course she took the plushy rehab, but would have done well in either place because she was done and ready to find a better way.
One of my favorite sayings is "we teach them well" and for all the other interventions in real life that I have heard of, the addict goes more underground and becomes even more untrusting, sneakier, better at hiding, deflecting, covering and less willing to communicate.
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