Long-time reader, first time poster
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Join Date: Nov 2015
Location: Igloo-land
Posts: 7
Long-time reader, first time poster
Good morning everybody…
A little background about myself:
I've been in recovery from substance abuse since 2004. I had one relapse in 2007 and have been clean since. I will celebrate, God-willing, 8 years clean/sober from substances at the end of this month. I met my BF in the rooms, he had some clean-time in and we got along well for the most part. He was a long-haul truck driver, so we didn't see each other much and it was easy to keep it together for a night or two.
He relapsed about 2 months into our relationship (crack is his DOC) and I can remember thinking that this was my one opportunity to get out and fast. I couldn't do it. I now know that he spent 6 months watching me and learning about me so he could 100% snag me when he had the chance. I had my life together for the most part and I won't say I was an easy target, he just found my weak spots. We learn how to manipulate on the street to survive and he took that with him to recovery.
Fast forward 2 years of intermittent using. clean-time, love, mental abuse, the usual stuff when you're living with someone in active addiction. My family knew I'd had enough and that me asking him to leave wasn't working, so we packed up his stuff and met him on the road, getting my keys and my life back. I was smart enough to not put him on the lease where I was living, at least.
That was 6 months ago. Shortly after he checked into the best rehab we have out here and he called and called and called. After a few months I started to talk to him. I knew one of his counsellors from the rooms and he asked if I could help with insight into my (X?)ABF, which I was willing to do. So, I've been to visit a couple of times and because of who I am, I had some baseline trust, I guess.
So...
Yesterday my ABF took a night pass from rehab to come and see me to go to a concert and didn't make it. He had told me he would call after morning group before he left for his truck (they don't allow the vehicles to be kept on property) and I hadn't heard from him, so I called the house to see what was up. They told me he had left first thing in the morning. He called ten minutes after I finished talking to his counsellor and I said "Please tell me you're right around the corner and you can't find my street" - the journey itself is about 4-4.5 hours. Anyway, he had only made it an hour down the road in 4 hours. So I asked him what had taken so long and his tone totally changed and he started trying to gaslight me. I held my ground and wanted some explanation for his absence, especially as he has not been to my new place yet and I have come so far in 6 months that I don't want him here if he's not safe. I haven't heard from him since and rehab hasn't either.
I feel that he has been planning to run for a while. Despite his truck not having insurance and his license being suspended for a DUI and the MVI being expired he refused to sell it and clear away some of his debts. He said he needed it as a back-up plan to sleep in. He said some other things that were questionable, too. This weekend he was complaining about being locked up and I reminded him that it wasn't my addiction that got him there. To which his response was locking himself in his room.
Please be gentle with me. I feel so stupid that I fell for his charm again. Knowing better isn't always doing better, I suppose. I hope that this will be my last straw. I can see the writing on the wall, only I think I am still stuck in the denial because I don't even feel like this is my life. I feel like I'm watching a movie where I'm the lead character.
Apologies for the novel and thank you in advance for the support.
A little background about myself:
I've been in recovery from substance abuse since 2004. I had one relapse in 2007 and have been clean since. I will celebrate, God-willing, 8 years clean/sober from substances at the end of this month. I met my BF in the rooms, he had some clean-time in and we got along well for the most part. He was a long-haul truck driver, so we didn't see each other much and it was easy to keep it together for a night or two.
He relapsed about 2 months into our relationship (crack is his DOC) and I can remember thinking that this was my one opportunity to get out and fast. I couldn't do it. I now know that he spent 6 months watching me and learning about me so he could 100% snag me when he had the chance. I had my life together for the most part and I won't say I was an easy target, he just found my weak spots. We learn how to manipulate on the street to survive and he took that with him to recovery.
Fast forward 2 years of intermittent using. clean-time, love, mental abuse, the usual stuff when you're living with someone in active addiction. My family knew I'd had enough and that me asking him to leave wasn't working, so we packed up his stuff and met him on the road, getting my keys and my life back. I was smart enough to not put him on the lease where I was living, at least.
That was 6 months ago. Shortly after he checked into the best rehab we have out here and he called and called and called. After a few months I started to talk to him. I knew one of his counsellors from the rooms and he asked if I could help with insight into my (X?)ABF, which I was willing to do. So, I've been to visit a couple of times and because of who I am, I had some baseline trust, I guess.
So...
Yesterday my ABF took a night pass from rehab to come and see me to go to a concert and didn't make it. He had told me he would call after morning group before he left for his truck (they don't allow the vehicles to be kept on property) and I hadn't heard from him, so I called the house to see what was up. They told me he had left first thing in the morning. He called ten minutes after I finished talking to his counsellor and I said "Please tell me you're right around the corner and you can't find my street" - the journey itself is about 4-4.5 hours. Anyway, he had only made it an hour down the road in 4 hours. So I asked him what had taken so long and his tone totally changed and he started trying to gaslight me. I held my ground and wanted some explanation for his absence, especially as he has not been to my new place yet and I have come so far in 6 months that I don't want him here if he's not safe. I haven't heard from him since and rehab hasn't either.
I feel that he has been planning to run for a while. Despite his truck not having insurance and his license being suspended for a DUI and the MVI being expired he refused to sell it and clear away some of his debts. He said he needed it as a back-up plan to sleep in. He said some other things that were questionable, too. This weekend he was complaining about being locked up and I reminded him that it wasn't my addiction that got him there. To which his response was locking himself in his room.
Please be gentle with me. I feel so stupid that I fell for his charm again. Knowing better isn't always doing better, I suppose. I hope that this will be my last straw. I can see the writing on the wall, only I think I am still stuck in the denial because I don't even feel like this is my life. I feel like I'm watching a movie where I'm the lead character.
Apologies for the novel and thank you in advance for the support.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2015
Location: Igloo-land
Posts: 7
I feel I should add that I still went to the concert with my dad and we had a great time. Every time my A popped into my head I said a small prayer and asked to be free, even if just to enjoy the show. I know those little victories of freedom and showing up for life will add up over time. Life will and does go on, with or without my participation.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Mmmmmm
Posts: 3,178
Hello Petabilt,
I firmly believe you have the tools, knowledge and capability to detach and protect yourself. But it still hurts. There is still the dip in hope, as you wish for this man to recover. There is the dip in trust as well.
Peace in your heart. Keep praying.
I firmly believe you have the tools, knowledge and capability to detach and protect yourself. But it still hurts. There is still the dip in hope, as you wish for this man to recover. There is the dip in trust as well.
Peace in your heart. Keep praying.
Blue Belt
Join Date: Jul 2015
Location: Soberville, USA
Posts: 4,174
Peta,
Sounds complicated. Way more than I would deal w for any length of time.
But, if you need love or attention from this man, it is your call.
I would run from that drama like it was a grenade.
Sounds complicated. Way more than I would deal w for any length of time.
But, if you need love or attention from this man, it is your call.
I would run from that drama like it was a grenade.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2015
Location: US
Posts: 544
Originally Posted by Petabilt 
... I hope that this will be my last straw. I can see the writing on the wall ...
I don't give out advice about affairs of the heart because I truly believe it's a personal decision. Based on your quote above, it sounds like you've already answered your question.
Stick around SR, would love to hear more from you.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2015
Location: Igloo-land
Posts: 7
Originally Posted by On The Road
Hi Petabilt, so glad to hear how well you're doing in your own sobriety. You are an inspiration to me.
I don't give out advice about affairs of the heart because I truly believe it's a personal decision. Based on your quote above, it sounds like you've already answered your question.
Stick around SR, would love to hear more from you.
I don't give out advice about affairs of the heart because I truly believe it's a personal decision. Based on your quote above, it sounds like you've already answered your question.
Stick around SR, would love to hear more from you.
The question has been answered almost before it was asked. It is harder than I thought it would be, all of it.
I'm hanging with my girlfriends today, lunchtime meeting and then one in the evening. I want to stay busy, for now, because I'm not ready to let the disappointment, fear, anger, etc. etc. take over. I know they will come in spurts no matter how busy I stay and I have a three day weekend to be miserable about it all, so I'll unpack this stuff more then.
One thing recovery has taught me is the ability to put stuff aside to some extent and deal with it later. I used to think it was avoidance, now I realize I don't have the luxury of falling apart every time there are waves in my life and that there will always, eventually be an opportunity to wallow in the emotions, if I still need to do so. It like when I'm in the middle of a heated discussion that is going nowhere and I say "I gotta get out of here for a x amount of time and gain some perspective, then we can finish this."
Member
Join Date: Apr 2015
Location: US
Posts: 544
Petabilt, I always think it's a good idea to make well thought out decisions. And it sounds like you're doing so right now. It's a process. Continue working your way through it, and know you have friends here to support you in your continued sobriety.
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
people can become our drug. and we can become the intermittent chicken.
excerpt from The Alcoholism and Addictions Help Forums- by SoberRecovery.com (Don't be his chick(en)!!!)
My therapist told me that when he was studying to get his psychology degree, they had to do an experiment with chickens. They were given 3 chickens, and they had to document their behavior. The first chicken got a food pellet every time it pecked the lever. The second chicken got a food pellet intermittently, sometimes yes, sometimes no. The third chicken never got a food pellet no matter how many times it pecked the lever. My therapist asked me, "Which chicken do you think drove itself absolutely nuts pecking at that lever to get a food pellet?" I gave what seemed to me to be the most logical answer, "The one who never got the pellet...??" He said, "Nope. The one who only intermittently got the pellet." And then he looked at me expectantly, as if this information should have some relevant meaning to me, lol.
So I'm sitting there thinking, 'Ummm....okayyyyyy. What the heck does this story have to do with MY situation?? Why is he just sitting there, looking at me as if he thinks this little anecdote is going to have some significance for me??' So he finally takes pity on me (lol) and says, "That's what he did to YOU." And I just stared at him blankly and asked, "Did what to me? What do you mean?" And he goes, "He created that same situation with the intermittently-fed chicken with you. He always kept you unbalanced with that come here-go away dynamic, he'd call you to come over, you'd be on cloud nine, and then you wouldn't hear from him for a week. Or two. Or a month. Then all of a sudden you'd hear from him three weeks in a row, and then you wouldn't hear again for who knows how long. And he kept up this unpredictable rhythm of highs and lows, always keeping you guessing, never knowing when you'd hear, until you didn't know if you were coming or going. He had you right where he wanted you - close enough to keep you hooked, so that you'd come running when he wanted you, but distant enough that he never had to make any real effort or commitment. And that type of dynamic creates an obsession, wondering when you're going to hear from him, when you're going to see him, then you'd see him and sometimes he'd say all the right things and let you stay over and other times it was for an hour and he'd practically kick you out as soon as it was over. Either way, he'd then go back to ignoring your existence, leaving you to obsess over when you were going to hear from him again, until he wanted his selfish needs satisfied again. You see, he created an obsession in you, just like the obsession created with the intermittent chicken never knowing when it was going to get a food pellet." By this time, I think my jaw was hanging open, and I practically screeched in disbelief, "Wait, I'M the intermittent chicken????" LOL!
excerpt from The Alcoholism and Addictions Help Forums- by SoberRecovery.com (Don't be his chick(en)!!!)
My therapist told me that when he was studying to get his psychology degree, they had to do an experiment with chickens. They were given 3 chickens, and they had to document their behavior. The first chicken got a food pellet every time it pecked the lever. The second chicken got a food pellet intermittently, sometimes yes, sometimes no. The third chicken never got a food pellet no matter how many times it pecked the lever. My therapist asked me, "Which chicken do you think drove itself absolutely nuts pecking at that lever to get a food pellet?" I gave what seemed to me to be the most logical answer, "The one who never got the pellet...??" He said, "Nope. The one who only intermittently got the pellet." And then he looked at me expectantly, as if this information should have some relevant meaning to me, lol.
So I'm sitting there thinking, 'Ummm....okayyyyyy. What the heck does this story have to do with MY situation?? Why is he just sitting there, looking at me as if he thinks this little anecdote is going to have some significance for me??' So he finally takes pity on me (lol) and says, "That's what he did to YOU." And I just stared at him blankly and asked, "Did what to me? What do you mean?" And he goes, "He created that same situation with the intermittently-fed chicken with you. He always kept you unbalanced with that come here-go away dynamic, he'd call you to come over, you'd be on cloud nine, and then you wouldn't hear from him for a week. Or two. Or a month. Then all of a sudden you'd hear from him three weeks in a row, and then you wouldn't hear again for who knows how long. And he kept up this unpredictable rhythm of highs and lows, always keeping you guessing, never knowing when you'd hear, until you didn't know if you were coming or going. He had you right where he wanted you - close enough to keep you hooked, so that you'd come running when he wanted you, but distant enough that he never had to make any real effort or commitment. And that type of dynamic creates an obsession, wondering when you're going to hear from him, when you're going to see him, then you'd see him and sometimes he'd say all the right things and let you stay over and other times it was for an hour and he'd practically kick you out as soon as it was over. Either way, he'd then go back to ignoring your existence, leaving you to obsess over when you were going to hear from him again, until he wanted his selfish needs satisfied again. You see, he created an obsession in you, just like the obsession created with the intermittent chicken never knowing when it was going to get a food pellet." By this time, I think my jaw was hanging open, and I practically screeched in disbelief, "Wait, I'M the intermittent chicken????" LOL!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2015
Location: Igloo-land
Posts: 7
He called shortly after I made this post. Made it back to rehab last night and passed the mouth swab and UA, so, he didn't use, but whatever.
I am headed to Al-Anon tonight, we only have one Nar-Anon meeting where I live and it isn't tonight.
I absolutely know what the best thing for me is…not this. I also know that I will come to accept that more and more with each passing day. In the same way that it took me ages to accept my substance issues, this will be a process. One that feels closer and closer to the end. Getting him away from my apartment was a huge step and he still doesn't know where I'm living now, only the general area.
I am doing the best I can, I know that. I am so glad that he's 5 hours away, it certainly helps me stay "clean".
Ugh.
again for your replies, really.
I am headed to Al-Anon tonight, we only have one Nar-Anon meeting where I live and it isn't tonight.
I absolutely know what the best thing for me is…not this. I also know that I will come to accept that more and more with each passing day. In the same way that it took me ages to accept my substance issues, this will be a process. One that feels closer and closer to the end. Getting him away from my apartment was a huge step and he still doesn't know where I'm living now, only the general area.
I am doing the best I can, I know that. I am so glad that he's 5 hours away, it certainly helps me stay "clean".
Ugh.
again for your replies, really.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Mmmmmm
Posts: 3,178
There's some really good posts here of women working their hearts and minds through this sort of relationship. It takes a while.
You might find Codependent No More helpful. It is by Melody Beattie. She was a former addict and here book on codependency helped me a lot. HoneyPig posts from her daily reader in the next section above every day. It is titled Language of Letting Go.
Sometimes I had to make decisions on what was peaceful. Not what was easy or a habit or what I thought 'love' required me to do. Because my idea of love was more about velcro than love.
You might find Codependent No More helpful. It is by Melody Beattie. She was a former addict and here book on codependency helped me a lot. HoneyPig posts from her daily reader in the next section above every day. It is titled Language of Letting Go.
Sometimes I had to make decisions on what was peaceful. Not what was easy or a habit or what I thought 'love' required me to do. Because my idea of love was more about velcro than love.
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