just can't do it anymore
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Join Date: Nov 2015
Posts: 9
just can't do it anymore
Hi everyone,
I've been reading for a bit but this is my first post. My boyfriend (now X, I think) has been heavily abusing alcohol and crack for the past 6 months. Well, past 6 months that I've known of. I ended things tonight, I just can't do it anymore. I've been thinking about it for a while. He has been speaking horribly to me and has been abusive in the past. It's all just piling up and I needed out. As soon as I started to tell him how i feel, he just kept saying horrible things, adding to why we should break up, I guess to feel like he had some control over the situation. Really really mean about how worthless I am, how he didn't even want to be with me to begin with, how we were "playing house" but it just isn't working. I felt like he was just taking every cheap shot he could get. All this garbage coming from someone who last week was talking about how amazing I am, beautiful, he wants to get married, how I will be an exceptional mother one day, etc etc. So even though it hurt, I see it as a complete defense mechanism and won't take it to heart.
I can't believe he started smoking crack every day and I can't believe I stayed far too long. While I was packing my things, all I could hear was him in the bedroom smoking the crack pipe. I have grown to absolutely despise that sound (he thinks he is hiding it but I know better). I also caught him using heroin one night, he overdosed and I gave him CPR. Physically abusive on multiple occasions. I can't even believe I stayed through all of this.
We were living together but now in separate places, he is in the same neighborhood as me though. Every time I hear a door slam I jump. I've contacted domestic violence hotlines in the past and have tried to stay in hotels and friends houses some nights when he has become increasingly paranoid, thinking I am an undercover cop, or snitch, or I don't know, I've never dealt with this before. Like really paranoid stuff. I feel good right now, like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders. I almost feel excited like I can go back to living my life again. I was constantly walking on egg shells, terrified of waking him up if he was hungover, terrified of what he was going to be like when he got home from work. Drug dealers coming into the house when I didn't know. I was always scared. It's just so sad to me because we had so many wonderful times together and he is so smart and kind but he has completely deteriorated. His mental state is becoming a concern, sometimes I can't even understand what he is saying, his thoughts are so disorganized and he has become paranoid.
I am hoping this can go smoothly but something tells me it's not over yet. I want it to be over, I just think he might mess with me, intimidate me, threaten me (he has done these things in the past).
I want to write all of this now so I can remember. I've also kept a journal to remind myself of the threats he has made and things he has done so I can stay strong and keep entirely away from him. Thanks for listening, I will continue to read posts to gather some strength. Thanks!
I've been reading for a bit but this is my first post. My boyfriend (now X, I think) has been heavily abusing alcohol and crack for the past 6 months. Well, past 6 months that I've known of. I ended things tonight, I just can't do it anymore. I've been thinking about it for a while. He has been speaking horribly to me and has been abusive in the past. It's all just piling up and I needed out. As soon as I started to tell him how i feel, he just kept saying horrible things, adding to why we should break up, I guess to feel like he had some control over the situation. Really really mean about how worthless I am, how he didn't even want to be with me to begin with, how we were "playing house" but it just isn't working. I felt like he was just taking every cheap shot he could get. All this garbage coming from someone who last week was talking about how amazing I am, beautiful, he wants to get married, how I will be an exceptional mother one day, etc etc. So even though it hurt, I see it as a complete defense mechanism and won't take it to heart.
I can't believe he started smoking crack every day and I can't believe I stayed far too long. While I was packing my things, all I could hear was him in the bedroom smoking the crack pipe. I have grown to absolutely despise that sound (he thinks he is hiding it but I know better). I also caught him using heroin one night, he overdosed and I gave him CPR. Physically abusive on multiple occasions. I can't even believe I stayed through all of this.
We were living together but now in separate places, he is in the same neighborhood as me though. Every time I hear a door slam I jump. I've contacted domestic violence hotlines in the past and have tried to stay in hotels and friends houses some nights when he has become increasingly paranoid, thinking I am an undercover cop, or snitch, or I don't know, I've never dealt with this before. Like really paranoid stuff. I feel good right now, like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders. I almost feel excited like I can go back to living my life again. I was constantly walking on egg shells, terrified of waking him up if he was hungover, terrified of what he was going to be like when he got home from work. Drug dealers coming into the house when I didn't know. I was always scared. It's just so sad to me because we had so many wonderful times together and he is so smart and kind but he has completely deteriorated. His mental state is becoming a concern, sometimes I can't even understand what he is saying, his thoughts are so disorganized and he has become paranoid.
I am hoping this can go smoothly but something tells me it's not over yet. I want it to be over, I just think he might mess with me, intimidate me, threaten me (he has done these things in the past).
I want to write all of this now so I can remember. I've also kept a journal to remind myself of the threats he has made and things he has done so I can stay strong and keep entirely away from him. Thanks for listening, I will continue to read posts to gather some strength. Thanks!
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Mmmmmm
Posts: 3,178
Welcome to SR Peggy!
You have done so much right! You are truly on your way already. You've reached out to good resources. You've clearly seen the path he is on and got off a lot quicker than many partners tend to.
Keep journaling. Work through your feelings. Stay alert.
You have done so much right! You are truly on your way already. You've reached out to good resources. You've clearly seen the path he is on and got off a lot quicker than many partners tend to.
Keep journaling. Work through your feelings. Stay alert.
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