To not take it personal.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2015
Posts: 26
To not take it personal.
Hello Friends,
I haven't been on this website for a while, last time I came on I really needed to connect, and to I guess blog my feelings of living with my boyfriend(a substance abuser). Now I come on again for the same reason, but this time not to blame, or to complain of all the wrongs. But I come on to connect. I went through a few articles mostly chosen by article headline, and read one by 'English Garden' a lady who has been married to a alcoholic before- and made some really great points.
She discussed that she is reading a book called 'In realm of hungry ghost' by Dr. Gabor Mate, a sentence that really struck me from these narrative was "The addict doesn't engage in his habits out of a desire to betray or hurt anyone else but to escape his own distress." How true. Not that I would see my boyfriend getting drunk or high as a way to 'get back at me', but I have always took it for the past two years as 'My boyfriends drinking, or getting high' because we cant deal with life situations. I think I, like thousands of others have come up with excuses for him. Out of love, I really-really do love this man. But reading that one sentence put a lot of perspective in for me. It must seem so simple to others, but it really meant a lot. When he does these things, its not out of desire.
Another great thing I could never thank English Garden enough is writing "In the end, free will is mine. As it is for us all. And it is unfair to blame another for my misery while I am clinging to him with all fours begging him to change." I have heard that a person has to want to change on their own, but there is nothing I can do to make him, by me begging him, clinging to him, threatening to leave wont make him change. This is a choice I have to decide, free will is mine.
A question I have for other people that have dealt with loving an addict. Is- do/can people really really change? when ever we argue over his addictions, relapses, things hes done under the influence. The day after when he is sober, he reminds me that people change all the time, he brings up how my dad has changed and has overcome these substances, and how I have no clue how hard it is to be clean since I am not a addict. And I am always quick to agree, and always see the potential in him. He has been trying, every once in a while he will attend NA (Not AA, because he says its only for older people. Which makes no sense to me( he is around 30) and has been clean for a total of about 6 months, until a relapse for a week about two weeks ago, where he has been clean and sober until last night. I think that these is great strides, I think and see how hard he is trying. But is this me clinging on all fours? I don't know, I cant tell.
Thank you. and Thank you so much for all of your post's, they are so helpful, and insightful.
I haven't been on this website for a while, last time I came on I really needed to connect, and to I guess blog my feelings of living with my boyfriend(a substance abuser). Now I come on again for the same reason, but this time not to blame, or to complain of all the wrongs. But I come on to connect. I went through a few articles mostly chosen by article headline, and read one by 'English Garden' a lady who has been married to a alcoholic before- and made some really great points.
She discussed that she is reading a book called 'In realm of hungry ghost' by Dr. Gabor Mate, a sentence that really struck me from these narrative was "The addict doesn't engage in his habits out of a desire to betray or hurt anyone else but to escape his own distress." How true. Not that I would see my boyfriend getting drunk or high as a way to 'get back at me', but I have always took it for the past two years as 'My boyfriends drinking, or getting high' because we cant deal with life situations. I think I, like thousands of others have come up with excuses for him. Out of love, I really-really do love this man. But reading that one sentence put a lot of perspective in for me. It must seem so simple to others, but it really meant a lot. When he does these things, its not out of desire.
Another great thing I could never thank English Garden enough is writing "In the end, free will is mine. As it is for us all. And it is unfair to blame another for my misery while I am clinging to him with all fours begging him to change." I have heard that a person has to want to change on their own, but there is nothing I can do to make him, by me begging him, clinging to him, threatening to leave wont make him change. This is a choice I have to decide, free will is mine.
A question I have for other people that have dealt with loving an addict. Is- do/can people really really change? when ever we argue over his addictions, relapses, things hes done under the influence. The day after when he is sober, he reminds me that people change all the time, he brings up how my dad has changed and has overcome these substances, and how I have no clue how hard it is to be clean since I am not a addict. And I am always quick to agree, and always see the potential in him. He has been trying, every once in a while he will attend NA (Not AA, because he says its only for older people. Which makes no sense to me( he is around 30) and has been clean for a total of about 6 months, until a relapse for a week about two weeks ago, where he has been clean and sober until last night. I think that these is great strides, I think and see how hard he is trying. But is this me clinging on all fours? I don't know, I cant tell.
Thank you. and Thank you so much for all of your post's, they are so helpful, and insightful.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
he has been trying.....
from the AA Big Book it says "half measures availed us nothing".
he may put his toes in the water, but unless and until he JUMPS in, he will continue these stops and starts....sober for a bit, drunk again, sober for a bit, drunk again. he is finding reasons why certain sober tools won't work for him.....putting conditions on his "recovery".
from the AA Big Book it says "half measures availed us nothing".
he may put his toes in the water, but unless and until he JUMPS in, he will continue these stops and starts....sober for a bit, drunk again, sober for a bit, drunk again. he is finding reasons why certain sober tools won't work for him.....putting conditions on his "recovery".
Member
Join Date: Oct 2015
Location: BUFFALO, NEW YORK
Posts: 10
The only time he will truly change is when he's ready and willing. When he will be ready is another matter. "Lasting sobriety comes from inside the person and not from outside influences." (I read this somewhere, just can't quite remember where exactly.) If you're wondering if there's anything you can do to change his mind...I'm sorry.
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
The day after when he is sober, he reminds me that people change all the time, he brings up how my dad has changed and has overcome these substances, and how I have no clue how hard it is to be clean since I am not a addict. And I am always quick to agree, and always see the potential in him. He has been trying, every once in a while he will attend NA (Not AA, because he says its only for older people. Which makes no sense to me( he is around 30) and has been clean for a total of about 6 months, until a relapse for a week about two weeks ago, where he has been clean and sober until last night. I think that these is great strides, I think and see how hard he is trying. But is this me clinging on all fours? I don't know, I cant tell.
He is appeasing you by making token efforts every now and then and making excuses for when he is not.
That's him, that's what addicts do. Until they own their behaviour and problem, they will continue on the path of least resistance and their actions will not reflect their words.
The part of this that is about you is how long you want to live like this, in hope of change that is not forthcoming any time soon.
Have you tried meetings for yourself? Al-anon, nar-anon and CoDA are about US and have helped many of us find our balance and learn to live healthier lives...whether or not the addict remains in our lives or not.
I hope your life gets better soon, you alone hold the key to your happiness and I hope you unlock it and find joy in every day to come.
Hugs
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