CaringScared

So my boyfriend just called from the hospital and told me how he was sobbing when talking to his mom on the phone. They are letting him out today or tomorrow and he has no place to go. I know for a fact that on his latest crack run, he was involved in some serious illegal activities (canNOT believe the people who have proof did not turn him in). I can hear the fear and misery in his voice.

I love him so much. When I hung up the phone, I started feeling that guilty, anguished feeling (what can I say to help? Why won't his girlfriend help him or give him a place to stay? What is going to happen?) But then, almost immediately, I started feeling very calm. I just threw it off. I thought, I have work to do today and an elderly mother to attend to tonight. I can't deal with this any longer.

It is taking forever, but I think I'm getting ready to be apart from this. That's okay, right?

I have to drop the guilty, quit overanalyzing things and make the decision to leave him be.

Sungrl

I think when you have to ask yourself, why Won't his girlfriend
help him, yes.....
It's time to move on.

Go about your business, leave his mess to him.

hopepraylove

Caring,

I don't want to offer advice when and where it is unsolicited, but I want to share a brief part of my story with you.

I stayed with my ex through three rehab stints, detoxes, countless relapses, psych wards, etc. Recently (in august) I caught him high on opiates (that he had stolen from my mom-he was living at my house with my family while our new apartment was coming together) I kicked him out (as I told him I would when I set the boundary earlier) he was on the streets for about a week and then turned himself in to the psych ward to detox. After four days in the ward, he called me crying. Hysterical, begging to please come home "it won't happen again, I promise it's different, I've learned, I've lost everything, I have nowhere to go!!!"

Did this break my heart? Yes. Did I let him back? No. Why? Because taking him back was setting myself up for consistent AND CONSTANT heartbreak.

So I told him I was sorry, but I just could not help him. He tried his sister, his dad, no one would let him live with them. He had become a liability. We had all given him HUNDREDS of chances (he's been an addict for 10+ years now) so he called his estranged mother (who he hadn't spoken to in 7 years.)

She drove from AZ to CA and picked him up, they've mended their relationship, he is now living out of state.

You can be happy, joyous and free. So can your bf (ex?) but you have to make the decision to WANT IT BAD ENOUGH. Do you think taking him back will make you happy?

I think you know what to do friend, keep coming back.

CaringScared

Thank you so, so much for the replies. I am ABSOLUTELY looking for advice and that absolutely resonated with me. It's so close to home.

"Do you think taking him back will make you happy?" No!

I need to choose peace now. I pray to be more trusting of the universe and go in the way of peace.

Thank you, it really helps to hear others' stories and take the lessons learned seriously.

AnvilheadII

you can't FIX him, CS....and you can't FIX his problems.....even if you did race around and make all the arrangements and fluff up a nice comfy pillow to cushion his backside, he would just screw it all up again. HE has to figure this out......HE needs to feel the full weight of the choices HE makes. HE is going to have to put two and two together and see the direct connection between smoking crack and the state of his life.

and that just really isn't a world you need to live in.

CaringScared

Thank you, AnvilheadII! That actually just made me chuckle. In recognition...

I don't need to live in that world, thank you. I think I finally had enough of it. I'm so tired of dealing with it. Tired.

Ann

I think you are wise to focus in your own health and well being.

"We" are not the answer, the cure, or the ones who can make a difference. The real help is out there when they are willing to do what they need to do to be clean. The Salvation Army has a free rehab program that is long term, a good program and it is free, doesn't cost a nickle.

When my son used to call crying or begging to come home, I would give him the contact numbers of places that could really help...detox, meetings and rehabs. To all him home again would once more turn my home, my safely zone, into a war zone and I was no longer willing to do that.

Good luck, I'm cheering you on.

Hugs

CaringScared

Thank you, Ann. : )

JOIE12

I remember the first detox ... had great hopes. I felt such peace when he was in there. I was able to feel 'myself' again, even if it was only for 9 days.

the 2nd detox ... even greater peace than the first but was on edge for the first two days away.

faked detox next two times ... no peace at all

eventually it wears us out. I think you are there.

I woke up and realized that this was a self imposed hell. I didn't deserve it.

CaringScared

Yeah. I'm getting there. Resisted the urge to try to contact him yesterday. Feel wistful today but I'm going to try to do the same thing all over again. It's worth it to feel peace.

AnvilheadII

good for you, quit going to the hardware store for bread. you can just FEEL your feelings without having to DO anything about them.

CaringScared

Thank you. I have repeated "quit going to the hardware store for bread" to myself about twenty times since reading that yesterday.

He called me last night and we talked briefly, but I didn't go see him. He's still on the street and was coming off a four day run. He said, "I was sober today and it made me miss you." I won't see him today either.

CaringScared

Ugh. He's still calling. Today the hook was, "Sober three days!" But then he added that he'd drunk beer and rum all day yesterday, hanging out at a local spot that, while beautiful, is also a place where crack is sold (I ne-ver would have guessed had not I met my boyfriend)

Sounded upbeat, said he missed me, asked me to come see him out there, I prevaricated, which is dumb, felt anxious, said I loved him, he said he'd call me later.

Can I give myself permission to not answer? I just don't feel up to telling him not to call me again or that I can't see him anymore. I just don't feel up to talking...

I love him but I just can't see him. A bunch of people with problems out there hacky-sacking--it's not my scene...

Sooner or later I have to rip off this bandaid

atalose

If you don’t feel up to talking to him then don’t. And if you don’t feel up to blocking his # then don’t.

But do take some steps to lesson this anxiety his phone calls cause you.

Change his name on contact list to Hurt and Pain.

Set your phone to vibrate for when his # calls or texts you. Or don’t have it ring at all.

Don’t call him back if he leaves you a message to do so.

See how you feel in a few days with no contact - you might really like it!!!

carolineno

Augh! Sorry in advance if this offends. I'm new to sharing on the forums and recovery, but this sounds like manipulation. Frankly, it sounds like something that used to work on me! If any of the drinking or drugging people in my life said this to me now I would be furious! I guess it touches a nerve with me, because, in a way, it's also saying, "when I'm using, I don't miss you at all" and I am in a place where I am finally realizing that is the case with my addict. Basically it sounds to me like a plea to go back to the old ways. You can live without that insanity!

CaringScared

Atalose, thank you so much. I really like those suggestions, I like that mindset. I manage to go one or two days NC and then I go back to talking to him--the anxiety is intense...I can't even pinpoint why? I feel pressured and overwhelmed...even if it's just him saying "I love you."

He doesn't have his own phone as of last week, he calls from different numbers. I'm going to feel free not to answer later if I'm not up to it. Just thinking about it is making my stomach churn.

Carolineno, I hear you. I've been all up and down with those kinds of emotions--basically I tried not to take it personally, also because it's not like there's some -other- extra special person who's on his mind when he's using.

The options are to be with him as he is or not to be with him. I am trying to breathe and remind myself no force is going to come pick me up and dump me over there--I'm safe...

atalose

That’s what addicts do……they pressure and overwhelm because it’s worked to their advantage in the past and when they want something they want it RIGHT NOW!!!!

There’s an acronym around here it’s called……FOG

F = fear

O = obligation

G = guilt

Once you take some time to understand why feel all of those things you can then begin to work through them.

Jorgenss

[QUOTE/ quit going to the hardware store for bread.[/QUOTE]

This will be displayed on my quote list

CaringScared

Fits to a tee. I feel really guilty that I'm not going to see him, but doing something out of guilt, when you feel scared, is horrible.

Ugh, just trying to stand my ground. He is doing this, "I broke my nose, why won't my girlfriend come kiss it, WHY DON'T YOU COME SEE ME, when I was smoking eighty dollars of rocks a day you saw me and I haven't used for four days. It makes me think when I see you I wanna give you a REASON not to come see me..."

Then he calms down and apologizes for getting mad, but it's a mess

hopepraylove

Total mess. Stand your ground. I know it's tough. Get busy & stay busy. We're all here for you.