hopepraylove

Disclaimer: Sensitive topic, trigger warning for verbal abuse***

Posting because I haven't been to alanon in a few weeks. I had a bad experience and hearing a particular story infuriated me. It made me want to scream "WHAT? WHY DON'T YOU JUST LEAVE." It was easy for me to forget how difficult it is to see the craziness when you're wrapped up in it. I was wrapped up in the insanity, I couldn't see clearly how awful my relationship was. I'm still working on my compassion.

Had a tough weekend...Holidays/Fall makes me nostalgic for the good times in my previous relationship. It's been three months since I left my ex. As far as I know he is "dry/sober" not quite sure which. Not really my business either way. He uploaded a photo of him and a "friend" dressed in matching outfits at some big party in Hollywood. Beer bottles, red solo cups in the background...hm.

A few weeks ago I bumped into a friend of his at a bar, I brought it up briefly in a conversation with ex and it was dropped. Today he texted me the following:

"Funny how you told me you bumped into (Friend) at (a restaurant), when you really saw him at the ******* (Bar name). You filthy ******* liar. Pour concrete in your (lady parts)."

I never told him I saw his friend at said restaurant, just casually mentioned I had seen the friend that night. His text message was bizarre, irrational and quite frankly...insane. Do I think he's sober? I don't know, but this kind of erratic anger is a very quick reminder that if I were to consider ever going back---I shouldn't lol. Also makes me realize I would forever be questioning his sobriety.

He had a few things left at the house that were his and he wanted them back, the original plan was to grab coffee this evening (haven't seen him since the break up) but following that vile text message, he said "I'm ******* done with you. I'm over you. Leave my **** outside."

My response?
"You haven't changed one bit, your things are outside."

Packed his **** up and left it in the driveway *five hours later, it's still there.*

& JUST like that, I'm reminded (and humbled) by the insanity. Now I'm thinking maybe I need to make an amends to my fellow Alanon.

God bless everyone here, I know we're all just trying to do the best we can. Thanks for letting me vent.

Springpink

As someone who has also left my AEX we always get those 'what ifs' he's clean and I'm doing the wrong thing.
But like you said, when stuff like this happens you have to breath a sigh of relief and be grateful that isn't your life anymore!
Sounds like you're doing well, keep up the good work!
Rant away, we deserve it after what we go through

hopepraylove

update:

Ex texted me again today.

"Did you put my stuff outside?"
Me: yes
"Good. I'm coming to get it now."
Me: no response
"We are THROUGH."

Such a jerk, so sad that this is what the relationship came to. Sad and hurt. Trying to be strong.

overit263

I will tell you what I was told by a close friend... You don't deserve that treatment from him. You didn't make him act like this. He's a total selfish jerk.

I know you know all of that, but sometimes we need to be told that a few times here and there.

JimC60

"God bless everyone here, I know we're all just trying to do the best we can. Thanks for letting me vent."

It is a good, safe place to vent........something we all need to do once in a while, this evening just happens to be your turn ;^).

Jim

hopepraylove

Thank you Over it,

It's always nice to be reminded. I'm really taken aback by his behavior, we have been getting along well for several weeks now...this kind of behavior/talk parallels how he behaved when he was using...spewing hate and insensitivities. I hope he's sober, but either way...I'll be okay.

hopepraylove

I need to block my ex on all social media. This sounds petty, but I found out the photo of the girl that he posted with on Halloween is an ex-friend. When I asked him about her a few years ago, he told me they were "old friends, and he was friends with her brother." After some snooping, I found photos of them together. He lied to me, again. Why am I surprised? He's been a liar for as long as I've known him, down to him being "sober and in recovery" when we first met.

Was anything about our relationship true? Did I ever even really know him? He's lied to me more times than he's ever been honest. I don't mean it, but I feel like I hate him. He has disappointed me so many times. The codie in me isn't "ready" to unfollow/block him, but I think it's what I need to do for my peace of mind.

Haven't spoken to him since yesterday when he called me a "******* liar." I ignored him. I have nothing left to say to him, but I so badly want to chew him out and yell at him for being a liar himself. How dare he call me a liar when he has done nothing but lie consistently to me for YEARS? Trying to turn the table on me? What is the purpose of this manipulation? I feel like he just wants an excuse to no longer speak...maybe he's using, maybe he's over it, who knows.

Just looking for some support right now. Feeling so frustrated.

CaringScared

I think it could be deep-seated defense mechanisms. Doesn't make it right.

You don't deserve this, crazy is crazy. Maybe shake your head and move on.

overit263

I've learned that a liar doesn't really care about how it makes you feel. Basically you're trying to make someone care that doesn't have the capacity to care. I myself have a hard time with realizing I was totally duped. Definitely cut off all social media ties anyway, that's just going to drive you insane anyway.

tallgirl77

For me, cutting off all contact was the only way to gain peace and sanity. Block him from your phone, social media etc. When you run into mutual friends, don't ask about ex and if they bring ex up, kindly tell them that you honestly don't want to hear it.

The name calling, etc...is just him trying to manipulate you into thinking you are in the wrong. If he's out partying it up, he's obviously not working the program.

(((hugs))) it's not easy but you've got to work on getting back to you. Don't worry about whether he's sober or not. You didn't cause it, you can't cure it and you can't control it, but you can control what you are willing to put up with.

Cutting all contact and working on yourself is the best way to get back to you.

Good luck

tallgirl77

I felt doing this would do me some good, but honestly, they could care less and will only turn it around to you again. I went for a long drive and basically pretended the aex was in the passenger seat and let him have it. Sounds weird, but just being able to vent out loud did me some good. After I was done, I cranked up the radio, drove around until I felt at peace and went home.

hopepraylove

I decided to go "no-contact again."

Trying to keep my zen here.

Lily1918

Ive learned veey recently that "being clean" is not a get out of jail free card to treat the people around you poorly.

Im sorry you are going through this

Hawkeye13

No Contact is an excellent decision

Sorry you had to put up with that kind of verbal abuse and lying.

Good thing is, you never have to hear or deal with it again
Stay strong

zoso77

When my AXGF did what she did, I deleted her contact information, deleted any and all photos of her, blocked her from calling me, and created a filter so any email she sent me when directly to the trash. When she figured out a way around my phone block, I changed my number.

I'm not on Facebook (because I detest it) and I monitor my LinkedIn account very carefully.

In other words, if you're done with him, be done. Period. End of story.