At a cross roads
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2015
Posts: 4
At a cross roads
Hi everyone.
First post here! So a little bit of my back story.
I was with a guy for 3 years, 1 year in I found out he had a problem with meth, I told him I would stand by him and help him in any way I could.
I feel like I tried everything, I tried being under standing, mad, caring.
He would be clean for weeks/months then would relapse and towards the end I could tell over a text message if he was high or not, I just knew instantly, unfortunately as time goes on that is a trait you pick up.
The final straw for me was about 10 weeks ago, I was meant to see him and he came up with some excuse as to why he had no money, I knew instantly, he knew I knew but still tried to manipulate me, for probably the last 6 months I told him I was really struggling and if he used or needed help, to ask/tell me, just don't lie, I can't handle lying.
Of course he tried to lie, in that final text message I said don't contact me, of course he instantly flooded me, I blocked him immediately (something I have never been able to do before) deleted Facebook - so he couldn't contact me, got rid of anything he could contact me on, I was done. The lies, the anxiety, the gut feelings, the embrassment, the shame, the sorrow, after 3 years I had had enough.
As I was struggling with this relationship for awhile I had booked into see a psych myself, luckily my first appointment was a few days after I made that big step, of course she congratulated me on everything I had done, everything she said was so logical, you dont have kids, get out while you can, even if he gets help, those panic feelings I get will stay with me forever, you'll never trust him, you can't help everyone.
It was all true and logical, but logic sometimes doesn't come
Into play when you love someone.
Anyway, so about 3 weeks into no contact (still have contact with his family throughout all this, they can't believe I stuck it out for aslong as I did) he realised that he could message me on my work app I have, as its for my own business I cannot delete this or get rid of it. The messages starting coming thick and fast, the usual that I'm sure you've all heard, this has been a wake up, I'll never do it again, I'm 2 weeks clean and without you, I'm doing it this time.
I read them all but ignored them for another 6 weeks, as I was still in contact with his family a lot they would say how he was doing it differently this time, he had signed up for rehab, which was never a option for him before, he wouldn't do it. So finally the day came and it was the day before he was checking into rehab, it had been about 2 months at this stage, just like every other day he messaged me, how he was really doing it this time, but unlike all the other times it wasn't just for me, he wanted a better life and hoped I would give him another chance, I decided to write back this time, I just simply said I'm so glad you're going and finally getting the help, I am proud of you. He obviously replied a few times and said a lot, but asking for another chance, I said we had a lot of other problems apart from just doing drugs, you lie, you manipulate, you blackmail, he replied and said he did all those things because he was using, he said to just think about it, I just said okay.
I've just spoken to his family who's spoken to the rehab and has been granted stage 2, another 30 days in there, everyone is saying how great he is now and how he's changed and it's starting to make me waver alittle.
For a few reasons really, I do love him, what if this is the time he changes and then I think if I don't and obviously we both move on and he's with someone else, I feel like how is that fair a new person gets this great fixed person while I got hell for 3 years. I guess I'm just asking can people actually change? Does it really happen? Obviously I'm aware I've fallen victim to this talk for 3 years and don't want to be stupid, those doubts can do anyone's heads in though.
I'm at a cross roads now I guess
First post here! So a little bit of my back story.
I was with a guy for 3 years, 1 year in I found out he had a problem with meth, I told him I would stand by him and help him in any way I could.
I feel like I tried everything, I tried being under standing, mad, caring.
He would be clean for weeks/months then would relapse and towards the end I could tell over a text message if he was high or not, I just knew instantly, unfortunately as time goes on that is a trait you pick up.
The final straw for me was about 10 weeks ago, I was meant to see him and he came up with some excuse as to why he had no money, I knew instantly, he knew I knew but still tried to manipulate me, for probably the last 6 months I told him I was really struggling and if he used or needed help, to ask/tell me, just don't lie, I can't handle lying.
Of course he tried to lie, in that final text message I said don't contact me, of course he instantly flooded me, I blocked him immediately (something I have never been able to do before) deleted Facebook - so he couldn't contact me, got rid of anything he could contact me on, I was done. The lies, the anxiety, the gut feelings, the embrassment, the shame, the sorrow, after 3 years I had had enough.
As I was struggling with this relationship for awhile I had booked into see a psych myself, luckily my first appointment was a few days after I made that big step, of course she congratulated me on everything I had done, everything she said was so logical, you dont have kids, get out while you can, even if he gets help, those panic feelings I get will stay with me forever, you'll never trust him, you can't help everyone.
It was all true and logical, but logic sometimes doesn't come
Into play when you love someone.
Anyway, so about 3 weeks into no contact (still have contact with his family throughout all this, they can't believe I stuck it out for aslong as I did) he realised that he could message me on my work app I have, as its for my own business I cannot delete this or get rid of it. The messages starting coming thick and fast, the usual that I'm sure you've all heard, this has been a wake up, I'll never do it again, I'm 2 weeks clean and without you, I'm doing it this time.
I read them all but ignored them for another 6 weeks, as I was still in contact with his family a lot they would say how he was doing it differently this time, he had signed up for rehab, which was never a option for him before, he wouldn't do it. So finally the day came and it was the day before he was checking into rehab, it had been about 2 months at this stage, just like every other day he messaged me, how he was really doing it this time, but unlike all the other times it wasn't just for me, he wanted a better life and hoped I would give him another chance, I decided to write back this time, I just simply said I'm so glad you're going and finally getting the help, I am proud of you. He obviously replied a few times and said a lot, but asking for another chance, I said we had a lot of other problems apart from just doing drugs, you lie, you manipulate, you blackmail, he replied and said he did all those things because he was using, he said to just think about it, I just said okay.
I've just spoken to his family who's spoken to the rehab and has been granted stage 2, another 30 days in there, everyone is saying how great he is now and how he's changed and it's starting to make me waver alittle.
For a few reasons really, I do love him, what if this is the time he changes and then I think if I don't and obviously we both move on and he's with someone else, I feel like how is that fair a new person gets this great fixed person while I got hell for 3 years. I guess I'm just asking can people actually change? Does it really happen? Obviously I'm aware I've fallen victim to this talk for 3 years and don't want to be stupid, those doubts can do anyone's heads in though.
I'm at a cross roads now I guess
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
It is possible that the first rehab is the one that turns the corner and they move forward clean and wiser for the journey, and I pray that's how it is for him.
More often, after rehab they revert to old ways and relapse, maybe find recovery again and relapse again...it becomes a revolving door of recovery/relapse as it was with my son.
None of us knows who will be the lucky one to get it first time through, or second, or third.
His actions will tell you so much more than his words. Time is telling, your instincts are good. Trust that.
My thoughts are to keep some safe space between you until after rehab several months and see if his actions say he is clean and working on his recovery. And then decide if you want to live your life waiting to "see" how he lives his.
Hugs
More often, after rehab they revert to old ways and relapse, maybe find recovery again and relapse again...it becomes a revolving door of recovery/relapse as it was with my son.
None of us knows who will be the lucky one to get it first time through, or second, or third.
His actions will tell you so much more than his words. Time is telling, your instincts are good. Trust that.
My thoughts are to keep some safe space between you until after rehab several months and see if his actions say he is clean and working on his recovery. And then decide if you want to live your life waiting to "see" how he lives his.
Hugs
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: USA
Posts: 574
Thank you for sharing, your words bring back forgotten memories for me. Addiction is a lifelong battle. Not only for the addict but for EVERYONE they come into contact with. I can only say that when I knew that my time was up with my ABF, it was just 'done'. Even if he had chosen to detox again, it was short lived. He was unwilling and unable to face the triggers. It took too much from me after 3 years. I could not go back.
I wish his success battling this beast. And I wish you peace with whatever decision you make. Best to you Springpink. Hugs, Joie
I wish his success battling this beast. And I wish you peace with whatever decision you make. Best to you Springpink. Hugs, Joie
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 6,047
Spring, if you're thinking logically then the chances are against your XBF not relapsing, but I can see you want to believe all will be well from now on.
Try not to invest too much into your relationship with him, because the chances are you'll be on the merry-go-round all over again. If he does stay clean forever, time will tell.
Try not to invest too much into your relationship with him, because the chances are you'll be on the merry-go-round all over again. If he does stay clean forever, time will tell.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2015
Posts: 4
Thanks so much for your responses.
You're all very right! A friend said to me the other day "you live in some fantasy world where things work out so quickly"
She is totally right as you all are, it is going to be a life long journey and right now I need to focus on me and If it works out because he's proven himself for months and months then cross that bridge then.
Thank you all.
You're all very right! A friend said to me the other day "you live in some fantasy world where things work out so quickly"
She is totally right as you all are, it is going to be a life long journey and right now I need to focus on me and If it works out because he's proven himself for months and months then cross that bridge then.
Thank you all.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
you take any meth user, put them in a secure environment and separated from the drug, with a regular schedule, making up for lost sleep and 3 squares a day and they are surely bound to "improve" (unless the drugs already caused psychological damage, but even then PHYSICALLY they would appear "better").
check in with him in a YEAR.....365 days of consecutive clean time, a year of maintaining a program of recovery, of staying away from the old playmates, playgrounds and playthings, a solid year of building on a new sturdy foundation and THEN reassess.
many addicts get a good running start at staying clean but then.....waiver, forget, get cocky, start hanging with the wrong sort, figure they can use again SUCCESSFULLY. and then it's off to the races again. not MANY get it right the first time - some do, some don't.
check in with him in a YEAR.....365 days of consecutive clean time, a year of maintaining a program of recovery, of staying away from the old playmates, playgrounds and playthings, a solid year of building on a new sturdy foundation and THEN reassess.
many addicts get a good running start at staying clean but then.....waiver, forget, get cocky, start hanging with the wrong sort, figure they can use again SUCCESSFULLY. and then it's off to the races again. not MANY get it right the first time - some do, some don't.
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