Fior

I'm a newcomer....and am feeling a little lost...

About three weeks ago, my now ex boyfriend broke up with me. Which was about a week after he passed out on my couch, I went through his phone, and discovered, after 2 years clean, a year spent in residential rehab and a pled down felony charge, that he started using marijuana. (He's an opiate addict).

Unfortunately, we work together, and over the past 3 weeks, I have watched him become increasingly disheveled (his hair is long and unkempt), he's lost weight, his eyes are sunken, and his lips are white. He looks terrible. Several people have commented to me that he's very clearly using more than just marijuana.

He keeps trying to engage with me at work, but I am shutting him out. He does not want to talk about the fact that he looks terrible.

I still love him, obviously. And I'm scared for him. And while I miss and want the fabulous, smart, beautiful man that I was with, I realize that person isn't around anymore...
Can anyone offer advice? I'm having a terrible time letting go...I go to sleep every night thinking of him, wondering about him, worrying about him....
I have sought out nar-anon and therapy...
Should I contact his parents?

Nelly1

First; I'm truly sorry about what you are going through and just know I can relate. My fiancé is an opiate addict and I have gone through this terrible toxic cycle and emotional roller coaster for quite some time now. The truth is, I can't tell you how to let go... That's something I myself can not do. But I can tell you that if you don't, you will continue feeling like this for a very long time. As for telling his parents, I think that is important to do. I have never made it easy for my fiance to hide his drug use. They need to be called out, and since the nature of this disease is deadly and comes with horrible consequences, they deserve to know that he is using again. Prepare yourself for the outbursts from your ex though, he will more than likely make you feel like the worst person alive for ratting him out (mine always did) but Like I always tell him, if he's going to be an active user he needs to own up to it and not have someone covering up his tracks. I hope you find the courage to do whatever you feel in your heart is best! Rember that telling the truth and not letting his lies become your lies is important! My heart goes out to you **

teatreeoil007

It's totally natural to still love and care about someone even after you have broken up. Understandable too. But, there does come a point in which losing sleep isn't doing anyone any good, especially you. It's very sad when someone you have loved and still love no longer seems to be there. That's happened to me before too - it's probably happened to a lot of us, so you're not alone. I don't how to get a person back from the brink, so to speak, but there is only so much you can do. I might be tempted to call his parents...I don't know how old he is...or how old his parents are, but clearly he needs help! This is an illness and he has a disease. If you someone you care about had cancer or some other disease it might easier to broach the subject, like approach them and say something like, hey, I've noticed you've lost a lot of weight...is everything okay? But, since you are the ex girlfriend, I don't know that you are the best person to approach him. Maybe one of your co-workers or a mutual friend could approach him instead and it might be better received as well as effective. I lost a bunch of weight one time and my co-workers showed some concern for me as well as some of my superiors-but I reassured them I had been trying to lose weight and then they said stuff like, well okay..you look really good...one reason they were so concerned was that through the course of my long employment there , there were a few folks who DID lose a bunch of weight and one it turned out had cancer and died not too long after that. Another one had Celiac Sprue and became very very sick and did looked pretty sickly too. She got better with proper diet which relieved all of us! Drug addiction, unfortunately seems to be more of a touchy subject to broach, because of the nature that sometimes it involves illegal activity and is not tolerated in the workplace, so I really don't have answers for what to do, but he was a co-worker of mine and I was concerned I wouldn't have any problem just talking to him about it...of course that is providing he wasn't ex boyfriend. He also may be suffering bad depression because of the break-up and break-up do frequently trigger relapses. Pray for him. It wouldn't hurt to contact the parents if you feel comfortable with that...I guess that might depend on the situation surrounding the break-up and whether or not you are on speaking terms. Lots of dicey elements to this one, but through it all don't let your own health and job performance suffer. I don't know WHY you broke up...was it because of his addiction issues or were there other issues. I don't mean to pry, and you don't have to answer any of these questions.

teatreeoil007

Thx for your input. I can say for myself that in many cases a person may not stop caring and loving, while at the same time being able to not enable...and I would think that would be a tricky balance...It's almost as if on one level you cannot seem to let go...but on another level you need to let go for your own well being..(if that makes any sense..)

Ann

He knows he's an addict and knows where the real help is when and if he is ready. Meetings, counseling, rehabs (The Salvation Army Rehab is a very good program and free), his doctor and detox. That's where the real help is.

Sadly, he doesn't seem to want that help. Suggesting he find it won't help, offering to help him would be a terrible mistake because he's the only one who can help himself.

His employer may want to talk to him if his appearance and behaviour is affecting his work and the company. Often employers, rather than firing unless stealing or something criminal is involved, will help with rehab or at least hold the job while the addict gets help.

I don't know where his parents live, but they probably already know, and sadly they cannot help him either, nothing I ever did or didn't do as a parent made one lick of difference with my addicted son.

That's about him....now what about you? There is nothing wrong with caring about a person and feeling sad that they have taken a bad path, but feeling still "in love" with someone incapable of love and whose presence would only bring heartache and never develop into a healthy relationship is something worth examining to set yourself free.

Meetings are an excellent idea, they are not about the addict or substance, they are about us and learning to find our balance again and they have helped many of us find our sanity too. It would be well worth a try, you're worth it.

This cannot be easy for you, I wish you luck in moving forward.

Hugs

Vale

We care, but they're not there.

sweets0rrow

I just broke up with my H addict boyfriend today. It was the hardest thing because I'm still in love with him, but if they aren't clean or in a very stable mind set when it comes to their recovery, they should not be in a relationship. Also this is a life long commitment to these cycles if you don't leave. Put yourself first, you're all you have !