AnanchelAngel

I was stupid enough to go get him on our anniversary. He's been here since Saturday. Things are going great he hasn't shot up at all since he's been here, but he has been snorting them? I was considering leaving but now theres a bigger problem.. I found out this morning that I'm pregnant, According to three home test.. I told him it was the needle and drugs or me and his kid.. He got angry and left for a few hours.... I'm stuck between telling him to leave.. or trying to talk it out. I don't wanna give up on him .. But things need to change...

AnvilheadII

you have some big decisions to make.....regarding the pregnancy and regarding the direction of YOUR life.

it's sad that you say it's great he isn't shooting up, but only snorting pills. that's like saying "well i'm only bleeding out of my left ear....."

a drug is a drug is a drug.....no matter how you take it. HE'S STILL USING and then you go and drop the bomb about being pregnant and what a buzzkill THAT must have been. no wonder he got ticked and left....you and your reality wrecked his high.

it's time to hike up the big girl panties and make some structured well thought out sensible decisions. ones that do not involve someone's potential, or how you remember them. but AS THINGS ARE NOW.

hopepraylove

Does this seem like the kind of person you would want to raise a child with? Is he the kind of person who would make a good, supportive, healthy father? Is he someone who the child could potentially look up to?

You have some big decisions to make, I hope for your sake you think long & hard on this.

saraylah

Sorry that you are going through this difficult time right now. I was in your shoes last year. Finding out you are pregnant from someone you love is supposed to be a happy moment, but finding out you are pregnant from someone you love and who is an addict is scary. I loved my ex for 6 years. We went through an addiction to crack cocaine together but I became sober after the birth of my 6 year old son. We got together while I was pregnant from another guy I was with. Anyhow 7 years later I now have a 7 month old son from him. Just like you I found out I was pregnant but I had already had separated from him. He thought that I would get back with him and I stood firm and said NO WAY. I thought in the back of my mind that he would change since he new he was going to be a father. Did he change? No he got worse. Which in turn made me dislike him to the point that just hearing his voice disgusted me. Unfortunately my addict x did not change for some time until he moved away from Houston. Now he lives in Dallas and is trying to stay sober which is good but he has another girlfriend and she is pregnant now. Do i regret leaving him and losing him? Sort of, but I am happy because I do not have to live with the anguish of his addiction. My children will be free from the hurt of wondering why Daddy did not come home for three or four days? Or why is Daddy smoking cigarrettes back to back looking on the floor? Yeah I miss him but I don't miss the horrible baggage that comes along with addiction. Stay strong and think about what kind of life you will be submitting that child to if you stay with him. There are so many scenarios that can come up. What if you stay with this man and three years later your baby finds his stash and accidentally ingests some of the drug. No do not allow this poor innocent baby to fal victim to this horrible thing of addiction. It is not a healthy environment for you or that unborn child. Good luck and think about it thouroughly. There is no future in someone who does not want to change for himself. He has to want to do it on his own.

zoso77

Well, there's a couple of different ways how you can go at this point.

The first way is you can continue to keep him in the picture while at the same time dealing with an unexpected pregnancy.

The second way is you can cut bait, leave him in the dust, and focus on yourself.

There's really not a lot of options in between, kiddo. If I were to guess, he's using heroin. If I'm right, allow me to be frank: you don't matter, your unborn baby doesn't matter, and your anniversary sure as hell doesn't matter. What matters to him is the drugs. Period.

I apologize for my directness. I'm typically give new members a lot of wiggle room. But your wiggle room, now that you're pregnant, has just decreased by a factor of two. Your room for error has just decreased by a factor of two. And like I said last weekend, kiddo, stories like this typically do not end well.

We're in your corner. But now it's time for you to take ownership of your future and that of your baby. No games. No bullsh!t. Just decisive action.

Vale

Zoso's last sentence just became my signature line.

ladyscribbler

I told him it was the needle and drugs or me and his kid.. He got angry and left for a few hours....

So he chose drugs. Sad, but not really surprising.

I'm stuck between telling him to leave.. or trying to talk it out.

If "talking it out" worked, none of us would be here. We would have all ridden off into the sunset for our happily ever afters.

I don't wanna give up on him ..

Sounds like he's already given up on himself. And you. And your child.

But things need to change...

I used to say this all the time when I was with my ex. Of course I meant that HE needed to change. He needed to get sober, get his act together, be a true partner to me and a father to our son.
Addiction doesn't respect any relationship, however sacred. Having a child was not a wake up call for my ex. Parenting is stressful under the best circumstances. The way that active addicts and alcoholics deal with stress is to use or drink.
I finally had to accept that if I wanted things to change, I had to be the one making those changes. I used to feel like I didn't have any choices, but the truth was, I just didn't like the choices I had.

Vale

>>>>>I used to feel like I didn't have any choices, but the truth was, I just didn't like the choices I had. <<<<<<

Music, LS...........music.

Keepnitreal

I'm sorry you're in This position, but the reality is that there is probably less then a 1% chance he will give up drugs for you and his child. He may love you both, but he's an addict. My ex was a cocaine user and when I found out I was pregnant and told him he swore that as soon as the baby was born he would give up drugs. It lasted 2 weeks! I had to kick him out of my house to keep my children safe. Over the years he would no show for visits because he was still using, and that hurt our son deeply. Fast forward 26 years as a single mother...My son graduated with a chemistry degree and his dad is still a drug addict jumping in and out of jail. A great person, but a drug addict.
Be prepared and remember that your child needs you to protect him/her!

crackingBozo

Yeah...no excuses. Your child deserves a father...but he must be ready for the part.

saraylah

Yaaay For You Keepnitreal and your son. Thanks for sharing this. Makes me feel even better about me leaving my ex. I know I made the right decision leaving my ex. This was like a pat on my back. Again thanks for sharing.

AnanchelAngel

Even though it's only been two days. He came back and we had a serious talk.. He says he's going to quit and so far though it hasn't been that long he hasn't done anything.. He won't come out of the bedroom though he just stays in there because he says if he's in there it's less tempting to leave and do something stupid.. He's already getting sick and " cramping up" but promises he isn't going to do anything because he wants to be there for me and the baby .

ladyscribbler

Well, just in case this attempt at sobriety doesn't "take", it might be good if you had some boundaries in mind if he breaks his promise and starts using again. Does he have a plan for staying sober- rehab, NA meetings, etc?
How are you doing? Have you scheduled an appointment to have your pregnancy confirmed by a blood test or looked into choosing an OB/GYN? In the meantime you can pick up a prenatal vitamin supplement. I think they come in gummy form now, in case you're like me and hate choking down a big horse pill.
Hope this finds you well. Keep us posted and take care.

hopepraylove

Can he afford to enter a treatment center...he should try to detox with the supervision of a medical professional...

AnanchelAngel

he says he wants to get clean at home I told him I would rather him go so he says he wants me to look into one for him And He'll consider

hopepraylove

If he REALLY wants to get sober, he will do the legwork himself. I'd encourage him to look into his options. This is not your responsibility. If he has insurance, certain insurances will cover inpatient/and or outpatient.

Also...if you are seriously considering staying with him...You may want to consider going to al-anon, or coda. Check out the book "Codependent no more." Wishing you the best of luck, you have a long road ahead of you.

AnvilheadII

he says he wants to get clean at home I told him I would rather him go so he says he wants me to look into one for him And He'll consider

well isn't that just special? boy he's sure putting in a LOT of effort here.....NOT. his highness is however willing to CONSIDER going to a rehab center after YOU do the legwork and research, after which he will deem NONE of them acceptable. i'm putting 5 bucks down on that RIGHT NOW.

and so what is he doing again? ah, yes, holing up in the bedroom for days on end. fabulous. and you are "letting" him......it IS Friday.....it will be interesting to see if he manages this DIY recovery all on his own with NO outside support and makes it til Monday..........

crackingBozo

Hello AnanchelAngel...who are things going?

maia1234

AA,
You received a wealth of information up top, from a women with 1 year and a women with 26 years of experience of loving an addict. This information might be brutally honest, but it is all they know. I wasted 34 years together with my alcoholic, left a year ago, and guess what, he is still drinking. I wish I found this forum 20 years ago with all the pain and hurt it has caused me and my family. Please listen to your gut feeling and do what is best for you and the kids.

Please take care of you and leave him to God. Not one person on this forum has had the power to get another person healthy. Hugs my friend!!