DustyDreams

I'm new here and hoping that someone can offer a little insight into my situation. I have been with a pretty amazing man for almost 5 years. Over those years he has struggled with prescription drug addiction. I have done absolutely everything I can to help overcome it. As he has said time and time again he wants to. During the past five months he has went back on benzos for anxiety related chest pains. I struggle with anxiety myself but due to his issues with it I refuse to take the ones my dr suggests. Anyhow, he has not taken them as directed since he got them. (As in a bottle of 90 klonopin in 2.5 days) Many nights have I watched him literally fall asleep standing up and bounce his head off the countertop. Many times have I had to stay up all night and days at a time watching him to make sure he doesn't stop breathing or choke. We talked about how I was not ok with having them in the house anymore and if he really felt he needed them he was going to need to go elsewhere to do them. Skip ahead to tonight. He filled the prescription for them and didn't tell me. I noticed he was taking them and asked them. Then come the lies. All the lies. He asked me to put them up and help him. So I took them out of the house. (I can get them back)Now I hear how I'm a horrible person cause I "don't care if he goes around feeling like having a heart attack or even having a heart attack." I'm the one lying to him. I am over reacting. His use of them doesn't even effect me. How I throw ultimatums at him. I am 100% in love with this man. But I feel so betrayed. I don't know that he could survive without me. He lost his job in mid September. Am I over reacting? Is it not my business?

snukn

Hello DustyDreams,
I'm new too - and also full of questions. But yours I think I already know the answers too!!
Yes, I think it's your business, and no, I don't think you're overreacting!!
The question is more is he really on the same page as you? Does he want a good future together? Because what he's doing will create a painful future not just for him, but for you!
he must know he's got a problem. Is he willing to take responsibility for that problem? That's the only way he's going to find a way out of this.
You can help him if he takes responsibility for his own problems, and you can help him if he asks for help in getting over all this, but you can't be his private policewoman, and you can't take responsibility for his life.
Or you can - but that's a road full of thorns and pain, and no joy at the end of it.

Ann

Sadly, he isn't surviving very well with or without you, he has a terrible addiction and isn't interested in getting help any time soon. He will use or not use, overdose or not overdose, get clean or not get clean no matter what you do, how much you beg, cry, scream, reason, bribe, promise or pray. I tried all that with my son, he overdosed and almost died while living at home surrounded by love and people who watched over him.

Holding his drugs for him is dangerous and futile. He will perhaps get more and lead you to think he isn't using because, after all, YOU have his pills. Or he may become violent trying to get them away from you. It's just a dangerous thing to do, I tried and gave up when my son just found more each time, pretending to take only what I allowed which was the prescribed dose.

At some point you may need to look at taking care of yourself, if you have meetings in your area that's a good place to find your balance and surround yourself with support so you can think clearly about where your life is leading you.

My prayers go out for you, this is not and will not be easy. Sometimes life is like that and we have to find the courage to do what we must do to take care of ourselves.

Hugs

Mountainmanbob

Your man sounds to be a true overly prescribed addict.

Not sure if he has more than one doctor prescribing ??

As you know he truly could die in his condition.

Doesn't work and mainly just eats pills all day -- no life to live.

Would he be willing to seek professional help ?

Either way it's going to be a long hard road.

Addiction is not pretty and getting clean and sober is hard work.

Mountainmanbob

JOIE12

enabling leads to losing your own stability for someone who isn't interested or able to be responsible for himself.

an addict isn't able to love the way we need or how they did before drugs. he will never be able to give you what you 'miss'. I refused to believe this fact.

They have one thought. One mission, all day, every day. They only want us for what we can help with. My ABF died the night that I let him know that I wasn't coming back. My guilt for standing by for 3 years hoping I could love him enough to let him see goodness and hope ... is a great pain to carry each day.

If this was your child, would you want someone picking up the pieces for him/her every day ? enabling them to kill themselves a little more each day ?

DustyDreams

Thank you for your response. You make a very valid point about passing his pills out to him! On more than one occasion he's twisted it to the point that I'm thinking, did I really not give them to him? Questioning myself and putting my all into helping him has taken over my life. I am going to try to go to a meeting this week.

DustyDreams

You are absolutely right, though it hurts to hear someone else say it. He only has one dr prescribing but he is an idiot for upping the dose when someone walks in his office obviously high.
He has nearly killed himself on more than one occasion. And sadly, he's not willing to get help because he denies needing it.

DustyDreams

We are very serious about our future together. We're engaged and set to be married in March. I just don't know anymore if I can do this for the rest of my life. Especially since he will not admit he has a problem and of course doesn't need help! I love him very much and am terrified of something horrible happening to him if I leave, but I'm so exhausted and mentally screwed up from trying to fix everything.
Thanks for responding and asking some questions I need to answer..

DustyDreams

I an so sorry for what you have been through. That's my fear, that he will kill himself if I walk away from him and I don't know how I would cope with the guilt.

AnvilheadII

what part of what he is doing NOW tells you he is serious about YOUR future together?

over the years you have been together, he has SHOWN you who he is as he has tumbled his way thru drug addiction. THIS is what you get.....THIS is what he is offering you NOW.

even if he sobered up today, by the time you marry, he'd have a minimal 5 months sober. at the least postpone the wedding.......give yourself time to observe his ACTIONS over the next many days or months. then decide for yourself what you are willing to hitch your life to.

Mountainmanbob

It would be best to put the wedding off until he is 1 year clean and sober.

Things as they so often do-- may look real different down the road.

Mountainman

DustyDreams

The wedding is at the very least being delayed. He doesn't know that yet, but I know that's what has to be. I don't know if it will ever happen, but I know it won't happen in 5 months!

DustyDreams

I still believe he's a good person. However, what he's offering me now is not what it was 3 years ago. He was all I ever wanted then. But you make a good point and it makes me wonder why I've been confusing the life and love he offered in the past and what he does now. And even worse if we had a child, he certainly wouldn't be giving enough. I'd leave in a heartbeat if we had a kid. I wouldn't expose them to this life.

Vale

Pay this decision the profound respect it deserves.
This is the rest of your life we are talking about.

Your life is very, VERY important.

DustyDreams

Can anyone offer any advice on doubting yourself when accusations are made that you did something? For months I have been holding onto his pain pills for him, and giving him what he can have. He always runs out early so it is a normal thing for me to put one back so he can pass his ua at the dr. Now that last one is gone and I HAD to have done. I know it's my fault that I'm allowing him to make me thing I moved it and lost it. In the past I've re-hid things multiple times, so I keep thinking maybe I did. Will I ever stop with the doubt?

AnvilheadII

when you stop listening to anything he says.....because it is all in one form or another saying the same thing.....give me my drugs. since even with you being the Pill Police and doling them out isn't working, why not just hand him back his damn pills and let HIM do what he's going to do???

Fabat50

You are not his Mum, nor his Doctor.
You stated earlier that you are 100 percent in love with this man. Ask yourself honestly... what exactly do you love about him? What are YOU getting out of the Relationship? What convinces you that he is future marriage material? What kind of life would a child have with a Dad like that?
Some serious soul searching is in order.

Mountainmanbob

Truth is -- not a good one.

It's sad but, an addict can never, no matter how much they want to, be a good parent. They will fall short over and over again. The children in the end will feel very cheated.

Mountainman

teatreeoil007

He needs professional help! Unfortunately, people build tolerance to benzo's like other addictive substances and it takes more of the drug to get the same effect...but it sounds like he is definitely overdoing it...and not just using it to quell the anxiety, but to over-sedate himself. It's a scary situation because he can indeed OD (again) and the next time he may not live through it. This is a very dangerous situation. Does his Dr. know he is misusing it? If he did know what was going on, perhaps he could step in and help him. I wouldn't want to be in your shoes and it's not good that you are holding his pills for him...although I can certainly see how a scenario like this gets started...out of concern. It hurts because you love him and it hurts to come to the knowledge that he may love his benzo's more than you. He needs to find other ways to cope with anxiety than loading up on benzo's. Is he able to hold down a job in this condition? Doesn't sound like it...and if he does have a job, how much longer before his performance suffers? Is that the kind of person you want a future with? You are carrying a LOT of weight right now and dealing with this whole thing is stressful as well as painful and heartbreaking. How much longer can you take this before you crack? You've got to take care of yourself and not feel guilty for it! He's a grown man responsible for his own actions, scary as they may be.

Firesong

I suggest you take as good care of yourself as you would a kid if you had one.
Do you truly want to be married to someone from whom you may have to hide pills (and then hand them over) for the rest of your life?
I understand that you love him. I love someone too. He has been clean for just about a whole year now. And I have finally reached the point where I do not think I would stay with him if he started using again.
All I can really offer is the fact that I understand that you love your guy.
And to tell you that you cannot get him clean. You can't even really help him get clean. Until he is willing and able to do it for himself, there really isn't anything you can do. Except of course pray. Praying is loving.
When addicts go into detox and rehab they have professional, trained, experienced people there to keep the drugs from them, to give them things that can help them survive the process. A friend trying to do this is fighting a very hard battle.