Firesong

I find myself holding inner dialogues with myself. Over-analyzing what I said, what he said, what he questioned me why about, how I responded ... I don't want to drive myself nuts thinking and rethinking so much, and I start thinking I understand why people turn to drugs, or drink, to stop themselves thinking so much and not being able to just chill about it all. I wish I could just stop caring, because I can bet myself money he isn't lying around over-analyzing it all; he's watching TV or he's gone to sleep.

As I was typing "over-analyzing" just now I realized that "analyze" starts with "anal"! Hopefully I won't sit here analyzing the etymology of "analyze" now, but will get on with something I want to do, that's fun, that will distract me from questioning myself.

I'm gonna just try to let go of the last conversation we had, when he verbally attacked me for something I'd said (that I probably shouldn't have, knowing how paranoid he gets). At least he doesn't hold grudges, although he doesn't forget, either. If I said something wrong, or just something I "shouldn't" have said, it's gonna come back to haunt me.

DustyDreams, do you have a counselor you can talk with? He needs a professional to keep his pills from him, in a controlled environment, instead of a professional who will keep prescribing pills for him. I would think his pharmacist would be keeping track of the number of pills and mention it to his doctor. I also think you need a professional to help you make decisions about your situation and your own welfare.

teatreeoil007

Nicely put, Firesong!

I totally relate to over-analyzing things...partly a gal thing...women DO tend to hold on to things much longer than men...but women also tend to ask for help (especially regarding psycho/social thing) more so than men...I don't forget very much...which is good in my profession when used for good...but in my personal life I've needed to learn to let go...and I've prayed about it...and meditated about it...and driving to work one day I just said to myself a few times: "You're going to have to let go of this..." It sort of came down to the REALITY of what was really transpiring...but even in the FACE of reality I was STILL having a hard time letting go...

So-I KNEW I needed to let go...I knew it long before I was actually able to DO IT! The day I finally let go I felt a beautiful sense of freedom and peace come over me.

I admire you for sticking with your addict...that is no small thing! Yes, we have to let go of trying to "fix" people...there are some things we CAN do...and other things we CAN'T do (for them).

take care...

BlessedBe...

beeme

This. You deserve everything you would want for your child.

Firesong

Thank you, teatreeoil007. If that was me you were talking to when you said you admired me for sticking to my addict, thanks, but gotta tell you, I don't think I'm gonna stick to him anymore. Yesterday he verbally attacked me again for the same thing I mentioned in my previous reply to DustyDreams. I have never had a friend yell at me, not believe my apology, not believe I did it by accident and not on purpose being devious and deliberate. He has gotten mad at me before, for just saying things that "annoy" him and I have been walking on eggshells around him trying to figure out what not to say that might irritate him. But yesterday was the last straw as far as I'm concerned. His anger is all because of his paranoia. Even his therapist thinks he is paranoid and needs to see someone for treatment. His friends (the few others he has) think he is paranoid.
He needs to get some help for that and not let his paranoia overflow into anger at me. All I ever did was support him. Honestly, he was a lot nice person when he was using than he's become since he's been clean! Totally the opposite of what I'd been expecting.

DustyDreams, i repeat, your guy needs to be in controlled situation where someone who knows how to help him can help him and keep his meds from him. You cannot do it. I have tried and I promised myself I never would try again, because "my addict" might have really wanted my help but he wanted his drug more.
Well, now "mine" is clean but now he NEEDS some sort of drug for his paranoia, and I DON'T need his anger.

Take care of yourself, DustyDreams. Keep your guy in your prayers. I will keep you both in mine.

DustyDreams

I don't know how much longer before I crack from the stress, pressure and anger. He lost his job in September and hasn't found a different one yet. He takes pain meds too, but he's more successful in taking those right. Though at the end of the month he's always off a few days.
I can't understand myself why I feel it's ok for me to be here, but it wouldn't be anything I'd want for my best friend, niece, etc. I am looking forward to (and scared at the same time) to go to a meeting next week.
I know that despite feeling worn out, confused, and weak that I also feel supported. So glad I found this place!

Firesong

Sometimes we are not as good a friends to ourselves as we are to our friends. Why, I don't know. I think maybe some of us don't remember to love ourselves as much as we love our friends. Maybe someone tells us we are strong, or tough (in a good way) and that makes us feel that we can take anything, can put up with anything, that we will not be the one who will finally just run out of steam and need to quit. Maybe we also just have trouble accepting that all the love we give cannot save our friends. Only Jesus can save anyone.
Be kind to yourself, DustyDreams.
Thank you for posting here and sharing your story.

DustyDreams

Yea I'm sure I do need some additional help. I'm still coming to the realization that I need to make a lot of changes for me and learning what I can and can't do.
I also agree about needing a professional not to just keep prescribing to him, but unfortunate he's found a dr who will prescribe him pretty much any dose he is asked for. Although, he was hesitant at first he will up the dose as requested. And of course he LOVES this dr. It's further complicated because he takes pain meds (much better than benzos) but even knowing the dangers of those combinations neither the dr or my guy care.
I feel like I can't even see clearly and I see that's what you meant about having help for myself. I've been here. Reading. Absorbing info from others. Finding meetings near me. And trying to put my head back on straight. I know it's gonna take time.

teatreeoil007

Isn't it interesting how being chained to a relationship with someone who has an illness can drain a person? People often don't realize just how drained they are until maybe they have a bit of break from a toxic person or toxic people (multiple). But, we are not bad people for getting into these situations...we are just people and some us are suckers...even though that may have a bad connotation. I've been a recovering enabler for a LONG time...and in some ways I feel I've grown and in others way I feel like I still have so much to learn...and still need to grow. I don't really have trouble taking care of myself and have always been good about that...but I do have a hard time not getting sucked into other peoples' dramas....

It's kind of like wanting to be in on the latest juicy gossip...we know gossip can be destructive...and yet...we are still drawn to it....we there is such a thing as TMI..and yet without knowing it sometimes we encourage it...that type of thing...

Addicts CAN make us feel confused, that is for sure!

As far as taking pain meds for legit pain: that's always been tough. Because being in constant pain is not good either...if one can alleviate their suffering one will do so...and the reason many addicts use is that they are treating emotional, mental, and spiritual pain. So, that's a hard one to deal with. It's too bad that so meds that are taken to treat pain are also so highly addictive!

teatreeoil007

You are most welcome Firesong!

I don't think I would like to stick to something that just won't stick.

Don't know if that makes any sense or not. Let me explain. It SOUNDS like you have done everything you can to keep the friendship alive and you really haven't had an honest to God heart to heart talk about things. I don't know either one of you, but it sounds like it has been a bit of a turbulent relationship for a while and there is distance between you. That's the reality. He maybe came face to face with reality a while ago and it sounds like he may not have outright dumped you, but has moved on and you may not even really know what all is going on with his life. These things happen and sometimes they take their toll on us, but that certainly does not mean DEFEAT on either part. We live, we learn, we love, recover from some things.

In a way the word "RECOVERY" has a bit of a negative connotation for me because it sort of indicates a person is WEAK, or some other type of thing; like they are at a LOSS. But, the truth is recovery is all about empowerment, RECLAIMING yourself and becoming healthy and whole...and that is not a weakness in my mind, but a strength. There is so much in "recovery" that can propel a person to be all they can be without the BONDAGE of addiction.

Hope all is going well!

teatreeoil007

If your friend is extremely paranoid it could be the drugs. Or it could be another mental disorder. Something to think about. Paranoia is often seen in schizophrenia. And, depending on the person, drug addiction can sort of make them insane...

In some twisted way, perhaps not really of your doing, his paranoia has caused you to be paranoid about saying and doing the "right things"...fear of upsetting him...well, paranoia is based on FEAR.

Perfect Love casts out fear.

I've learned a lot about fear over the years...and there is something so liberating about letting go of needless fear. I'm not talking about healthy fear here, but needless fear...How many times in a person's life have they been held back from entering fully into beauty and joy because of fear?

JOIE12

my ABF died because he couldn't handle 'life. He had a few infractions and one felony. Said HE was not ever going to jail/prison. I was his greatest support and when I took that away, it was his CHOICE to do what he did.

Yes I carry guilt but I also know that in the end, he was responsible for his own care.

I am more at peace because I had the strength to stop the cycle before he passed away. That may sound odd, but it's the only thing that possibly has saved me.

dsb88

From experience, I have found that addicts are master manipulators. It seems like he is trying to do that with you. Turn the fight around and make you the bad guy, even though you are trying to help him and support him. Since his addiction has affected you, it is 100% your business and you are not overreacting. Good luck with everything!

Firesong

I was thinking about your quote early this morning, Joie12. I am glad to see it here again tonight.

This guy called me this afternoon. For a few minutes we had a nice normal conversation. Then he said he didn't want to repeat himself but from now on, when we talk on the phone, I need to keep to the subject and not talk about things I shouldn't talk about. He said maybe I can't help it, and I need therapy. He asked if I needed therapy and I said, well, a lot of people who need it don't know it. So he said to let him know if I needed help getting therapy and I said thanks. Then after we hung up he started texting me. He told me I'd started talking about the wrong things again and that he would never be able to trust me. He said not to call his house or his family. He said I needed help.
I finally texted him back and asked him to please not call or text me anymore because I couldn't help him.
Then he texted me again, telling me I'd been deliberately messing with him. So once more I told him to stop getting in touch with me. For the first time ever, I got angry at him, and told him he was the one who needs help, not me. I never needed help 'til I met him, and if I needed someone to help me make him leave me alone, then I would find someone.

I was talking about it with a neighbor who found me afterwards really upset and my neighbor said "Know what I think? It sounds to me like he's doing crack."

I didn't say anything out loud but I inside I thought, Oh, no. He did coke a long long time ago. Could he have gone back to it after all these years?

teatreeoil007

Firesong-Is this the same guy/friend who is the recovering heroin addict?

tallgirl77

I have been where you are. I too was totally in love with my exabf, we were engaged as well. I too held onto his pills and gave them as prescribed. None of this worked. It wasn't until I had finally had enough of the lies, manipluation, being talked down upon that my life became normal. I made him leave and told him unless he got help, don't bother contacting me. Fast forward 4 years later, he is still active in his addiction and I have moved on with my life. My home no longer feels like hell but instead a safe haven from the world.

You love the man you met, not the man he currently is. If he truly wants a future with you, he will get help and work the program as he should. Just going to rehab isn't enough. Addiction is a daily issue for the rest of his life, and it's up to him on whether or not he wants to win or let the addiction win.

You have to dig down real deep, realize that you do not deserve the life he is giving you and until he is completley sober and working the program on the regular, he will never be the man you fell in love with.

As I said, I have been where you are, it's not easy and you'll have good days and bad days. This forum was truly a blessing to me during a rough time in my life. But today, I am happy, in a non-addiction relationship, and life is good.

It's up to you what your willing to deal with and put up with from him. But at the rate things are going, it's only going to get worse unless he gets the help he truly needs.

Wishing you the best!

Jorgenss

"Firesong;5621726]Sometimes we are not as good a friends to ourselves as we are to our friends."

Love this statement.