JustPeachy123

Hello. From what I have read from all the stickies, I have landed in the right place to get help. I have been extremely naive about my AH's addiction. We've been married for many years. The last 2 years have snowballed until even I had to recognize that his previous (before he met me) 10-year meth addiction either returned or morphed into a different substance or maybe he never actually stopped. (I only accused him once about addiction - and I multi-drug-tested him while he threw a tizzy. Unfortunately, he was staying sober to pass a pre-warned drug test at work. So I blew it.)

I can't pinpoint what he's taking, just that he swings from up-for-days (hyper, talking SO loud and fast, crazy eyes, enlarged pupils, arrogant, aggressive, severely jerky movements) to totally relaxed and self-satisfied to sleeping-for-days (the smell of the bedroom would make a dog gag.)

I'm so tired of his antics that I just need away from him. I played detective, found evidence of at least 4 different drugs, found drug-ordering texts, found other women's phone numbers, other women's items in his car. Lately, he rubs at his nose frequently, wore long sleeve shirts all summer and leaves little bits of tp everywhere with dots of blood on them (even in the ashtray!) A lot of lies, excuses and beyond strange behavior. He probably even has other children out there. Whatever. I'm deadened inside.

Why am I still here? Because he is his Mother's golden child and his parents have money. AH and I have a daughter. He would fight for her just to hurt me. He is the one with a job. We are broke. My parents are elderly. He has set things up very well to control me and keep me terrified.

I am tired of being terrified. So I will begin by asking really stupid questions and hope for guiding answers.

My big one is this (and I'm probably starting in the wrong place, but...): If he dies while he is out running around and the police show up at my house to notify of his death and see the mound of half-smoked cigarettes - that were probably laced with something else - sitting there in the ashtray he placed next to the front door, can they confiscate that and arrest ME? (I dispose of the ashtray contents often, just in case, but I'd like to know if I'm just being crazy trying to keep it empty.)

I have asked this of every person I've dared to confide in and nobody has a clue if that's a possibility. I would gain my courage and ask an officer, but I just really don't want to be arrested. Because I didn't do anything wrong except for getting married.

I will keep researching what addicts do, but if anybody is willing to clue me in to the ways the law could punish me just for being married to him, please share. If the list is too long, point me in the right direction.

Logically, I see what he's doing. Emotionally, I'm battered and wrong about everything.

Thanks for any direction you can offer me.

Fluffer

Hi JustPeachy,

I am sorry about your situation and I'm sure some folks from the friends and family section will be along shortly to give you advice about your bigger situation. As to your narrow question about legal liability, I would not worry about that. Normally you do not have any criminal liability exposure for what someone else does without your active assistance, even if that person is your spouse.

Good luck.

Needabreak

It sounds like you can't be sure whether he's just using, or if he's both using and dealing.

My understanding (at least from my own experience and the legal advice that I was given when I was in a similar relationship) is that you are certainly at risk of being arrested if your house is searched. For example, if he 's dealing and has several ounces of coke and they bust down the door, or if it's found in the car while you're in it, you would likely be arrested.

They might also go after him even if he's just using and not dealing, if they think he has useful information against a bigger fish.

Whether the DA would choose to press charges against you would be another matter, but you would certainly have a lot of explaining to do, and if you tried to cover for him, they would not be likely to go easy on you.

incitingsilence

Take a deep breath…

Obviously he is using. And yes you can be arrested if drugs are found in the car or in the home if a search was done because of something he was suspected of doing wrong. And frankly I know of woman who were in the car when drugs were found and their partner blamed it on them. Oh course the truth finally came out, but do you need that?

If you think about this rationally for a second, is he really fit to care for his child? Would he have a leg to stand on if he wasn’t pre-warned of a drug test, if they see track marks or other signs of using? Hell would he even take the time as a child would severely hamper his ability to use.

I would start keeping a journal, dates times, behavior, missing money…

I you are done and ready to leave then start making a plan. Don’t talk about anything, don’t make any comments about it. Don’t act any different at all. Stash a bit of cash here and there. Find someone you trust, one person who you know will not say anything. Start leaving things there, personal items, clothing if you have to get out in a hurry.

If you can contact a local domestic violence shelter do that asap. Get all the advice that you can.

Understand that this is about your safety and your daughters first and foremost.

Do you have family that would help you if you left? A save place to stay … even a place to hide that he doesn’t know about.

Also if you call the domestic violence shelter they should be able to advise you about custody laws in your state. Also you can call 211 as well as see what resources are out there as well for you to find help.

Stay Safe.

cynical one

Ditto to what I.S. said, and I would add make copies of birth certificates, bank statements, *********, drivers license, etc and stash them in a safe house. Also, at least a weeks worth of medications if either you or your daughter is prescribed something. A DV shelter can help you with an exit plan and strategy.

cynical one

********* = p a s s p o r t s.

(Really?)

soberinfinity

I was arrested for my husbands drugs. My father in law was also arrested for his wife's drug dealing and hes facing two felony charges and 1-10 years in prison. There is no way to guarantee a drug free home with someone whose using. And he is definitely shooting up from what you've said about the blood. So you are at risk for all the nice blood born illnesses (HIV, etc.) that come with that. Get out and use the resources others posted. Because when I started to become worried of legal implications it was like a sixth sense telling me they were literally around the corner. And they were. Sorry to be so bleak.

JOIE12

we fall slowing into a life that we never imagined. Our thinking becomes ill just like our addicted loved one.

And one day - we say stop, look around and say out loud "WHAT AM I DOING?"

hopeful4

Absolutely you risk being arrested. You also lose being a credible parent for letting your child be in an environment like that, with drugs basically laying around. Get you proof together, make a journal, take photos, all you have to do, and get out.

Many hugs to you. You are in the right place.

JustPeachy123

Thank you all so much for your honesty! I feel like I've been living in a fog, just trying to survive this situation.

I've begun making plans and getting everything together. I have a bunch more questions about my rights and what I can do to avoid the massive devastation I can feel coming on. What I decide to do ultimately depends on the answers to those questions. If I kick him out, do I avoid the devastation or does it come down faster? Some things I just have to outguess.

I will keep researching and pulling myself out of the fog. Thank you all for leading me back toward reality. It might be an awful reality, but it's better than fake safety.

atalose

Usually it never works “just kicking him out” because he doesn’t have to go it’s his home to. And if he were to go how would you support that home, pay the bills? Support yourself and child?

I think the best answers to all of your questions can be best answered by a domestic violence counselor.