Boyfriends steps towards recovery..
 

I have posted this thread in a different section, posting here too to get some opinions and expierences from people that have had a loved one go to jail or rehab and how it ended up working for them.. Also maybe some advice on how to adjust when they come home or things I can do to prepare myself for this journey we are about to take,

Let me start with some background info.. My boyfriend is 25, I am 22 and I have a 3 year old daughter (he is not her father). We are 100% in love and we're so happy. When we met he was clean from heroin and actually had just returned from his 2nd stay at a rehab (I didnt know about the rehab or drugs when we met). He relapsed 2 months ago IV'ing heroin daily and ever since then he has lost EVERYTHING. He lost his job, his car, all his $, his sober friends ditched him, he started stealing from his parents home and he also stole $ from me.

His family and I are very close and we decided to no longer provide him with $, rides, or even a place to live. It was extremely hard but I had a child to protect and I couldnt afford for him to take anything else from my home or bank account. He was homeless for 2 weeks when he violated probation by failing a random drug test. He expressed how badly he wanted his life back, he missed my daughter and I, he missed his job, he was becoming so depressed, miserable and extremely thin.

Well 8 days ago he was arrested for the probation violation (his 2nd offense). He detoxed from heroin in jail and was miserable and cried everyday to us. He now is feeling better and has been moved from the medical pod to general population. He has asked for me to bring him books on addiction and he says he cant wait to be transfered to rehab (thats the plan) so he can get better for himself and for his family/me. He seems to be taking this very seriously and I am so proud of him.

I cant express how terrible this whole expierence has been, watching someone you love slowly destroy themselves, seeing them lose their passions and goals and the constant worry that they will OD was ALWAYS running through my mind. This has taught me to love without expectations and give beyond reason, some people sincerely need your love and support.

As long as you believe someone is worth the "hassle" be strong and be there for them. In the same breath I want to say YOU are always FIRST priority, your happiness, safety and well being should always come FIRST. Do NOT let their addiction consume you negatively. You have no obligation to try to make someone better and it is in no way your fault if they never seek help. I hope someone finds strength in our journey. We have a long way to go but I have positive vibes about this. <3

Marissa...

Welcome to the Board. I'm glad you took the time to post over on this end of SR.

Here's a question. When you take away the heroin, what do you think is at his core? What sort of person is there? I would be willing to wager you don't know. You met him fresh out of rehab, and now here he is, relapsing and violating the terms of his probation.

And here's the thing, Marissa. When he's doing heroin, he's willingly ignoring the fact he's violating the terms of his probation. He's willingly ignoring the fact he's got a girlfriend, and he's willingly ignoring the fact his girlfriend has a 3 year old daughter. Based on all of this, we can't say he's 100% in love, because he's putting all of those things I've listed in the back seat. Heroin has the front seat, and I bet it always has been there.

Heroin never, ever lets go without one hell of a fight. And whatever he's telling you right now, I encourage you to be extremely skeptical of it. Because even when he's got heroin out of his system, that doesn't mean the euphoria of being on heroin has left his memory.

Well...sure. That's your value system. What's his? You can love without expectations until the end of the world. In his current condition, he's incapable of absorbing it. He's got a big hole in him. Pour in love and support, it comes right back out.

Love is not the panacea you think it is. And I do not say this to be cruel. I say it because it is fact. I encourage you to read the posts of women who have dealt with addicted children...Ann, ilovemysonjj, and others...and see what you think. Because I think the love a woman has for her child is the most powerful love there is. And as Ann will tell you, it did not make a bit of difference to her son. It doesn't make a bit of difference to any addict.

Anyway, this response is longer than I intended. I hope you consider my words. I hope you educate yourself as to what you're up against. And I hope your idealism mutates into realism. It's the only way you and your daughter will get through this.

Keep us posted, and again, Welcome to the Board.

Thank you for the response. It is hard knowing that although I do love him and care for him I most likely dont know the real him but I am willing to give him the chance to show me the real him. It was also hard accepting that I am always #2 to heroin, even if/when he is clean his recovery from heroin will still be #1 and that is fine as long as he is showing some concrete signs of improvement and giving it his all. I know right now he is fragile and alot of thing are going to change for him and for us but I am sticking around because right now he is trying to get better. If that ever stops or he gets home and starts making poor decisions then thats a different story. Just have to hope he has the strength to make the right choices in life from here on out.

OK. If this is your choice, then it's very important that you're aware of what you're up against. This isn't going to be pretty.

Be safe.

Hi Marissa,

That is very good that you took steps to protect the safety of you and your child.

I do want to echo what Zoso says a bit. I think that the further you get involved with someone, the harder it can be to step away. If you invest a lot of energy in this and then he relapses when he leaves rehab, how will you feel? The reality is that there are usually a lot of relapses before a cure sticks. If one isn't really solidly mentally prepared (and life prepared) for it then it brings a lot of disappointment and heartbreak.

I love someone who has a bad crack addiction. I sincerely believe he has affection for me. The reality is, his love for me and my love for him are a minor comfort in the big drama of the fight for his soul. Crack has taken everything away from him. He has been through all kinds of horrible experiences, but it just keeps going.

Only you can decide what to do. But I hear a bit of myself in you. For myself, I found that even if I thought I was prepared for the worst, when the worst happened, it still hurt.

Prayers and hugs to you no matter WHAT you decide : )

Please keep in mind, he didn't voluntarily quit the dope, he was ARRESTED and tossed in jail. i would caution you to put too much stock in what he says NOW....he's one whole week clean and incarcerated. there is a thread on SR somewhere about the things they will say from jail.....hopefully someone with better search skills than i can find it??

Take a good look at these two statements you made....which one is based on reality?

We are 100% in love and we're so happy

He lost his job, his car, all his $, his sober friends ditched him, he started stealing from his parents home and he also stole $ from me.

Marissa, my heart hurts for you, I know how hard all this is, but please allow some space and time between you until his actions show that he is and can stay clean...maybe 6 months to a year?

You have a 3 year old child, would you advise anyone else to allow addiction into the life of a child?

You think you love him, maybe you do, but all the love in the world cannot save/stop/change our addicted loved ones, if it could not one of us would be here.

My son left many women in his dust, he loved each one but he loved drugs more. And sadly he left 2 children, my grandchildren, that I will never see again. And...he has never paid a nickle child support. He left a trail of broken hearts, broken families and emotionally distraught children...drugs are more powerful than the love for even his own children.

Addiction is a family destroyer, please don't let it destroy yours.

Hugs

ANVILHEAD ... is it this one ?

Things Addicts say from Jail


from Cynical One's blog

Things Addicts SAY from Jail
~cynical one

1) THIS time is it/I'm done
2) I'll do ANYTHING you want if you go back with me/help me
3) You can hold all my money
4) I'll go to meetings/treatment
5) Give me a break
6) Work with me on this
7) I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry
8) I want to quit, but...I can't do it without you
9) I know what I have to do
10) You drove me to use, I'm worse now because you put too much pressure on me
11) Don't abandon me
12) I need you as a friend
13) I wouldn't leave you in jail/abandon you if you were here
14) I don't belong here, I'm an addict, I'm not a bad person
15) I need to stay clean for myself
16) I'm getting too old for this $hit
17) I don't want to use
18) I've found God
19) I have a long climb ahead of me to get out of this pit I've dug for myself
20) Look at the damage I have done to (fill in the blank)
21) I am so far in debt, I owe so much to so many people who have helped me
22) I want to be respected and will have to work really hard to earn that respect back
23) I will do anything to make it right
24) I am going to kill myself.
25) I am so lonely in here
26) If you were the addict, and had this disease I would stick by you 100%
27) Forget the past and look forward to our future together.
28) I'm so ashamed
29) I will change
30) I'm hungry, can you put some money on my books

Loving an addict to health is like trying to hug an
H-bomb so as to not let its destructive effects
escape your embrace. Simple physics makes such
a silly premise.......well........silly.

But emotions aren't physics (for sake of
argument we'll skip all the metaphysical 2AM
undergrad brainstorming implications of that
statement)

(They just aren't)

But......I've been working out. Getting buff!
I can bench press xxx lbs.

No. It's an H bomb. There is no MMA/Jiu Jitsu
move that is going to make any difference
at all. You could even run your ass off......but you'll
just die tired.

A real important lesson in life is there are battles
we cannot win. I knew that logically before I
crossed paths with this addictive nightmare. But
addiction taught the lesson to me emotionally.

When the damned thing goes off-----you get atomized.
End of story. No exceptions. I'm not a particularly dumb
guy, but this took a long time to learn.

Get far, far away (and up wind) and dig a deep, deep
hole........now we can begin to talk about a possible future.

Love doesn't defuse H bombs (or addiction).

I hate to say this - okay not really, but only because in the wake of my H Bomb (heroin too) - I made many changes in my life that I never would have taken the risk of doing before going through the agony of a heroin addict - BUT RUN, RUN FAR FAR AWAY before you end up being on soberrecovery.com for years to come to help you deal with what has happened! We've all lived it, we all share horrible stories...don't let our stories become your story!!! Please don't end up divorced like me and still having to deal with your addict in one way or another for years to come after your marriage has been obliterated. Don't let your child have to deal with this, because addicts will do things that will end up blowing your mind. They do things that you never even imagined a person would do. You're not different than any of us, we all loved an addict too, and it causes way too much pain, not to mention jeopardizes your health, your mental stability etc. etc.

I appreciate the responses but for now all I can do is let him prove to me that he means what he says. I am writing him letters back and forth and recieving his calls, i am not visiting him and we dont talk much about our future because he knows he has to prove alot before we get back to that. He knows he has my support and love as long as he is on the right track. I see no problem in doing that for him right now.

Soon he will be transferred to a rehab, where the real learning process starts and then the true test of course will be when he is home. As long as I see effort and he passes his drug tests and gets his **** together again I will support him.

That doesnt make me stupid or niave in any way, and that doesnt mean I am a bad mom. My daughter and him wont have much contact for awhile. I know what could happen and I know he could start using the day he gets out of rehab but that doesnt mean I should treat him as if he has already messed up.

Um, no, that's not all you can do. There are plenty of options available to you. You just happened to pick one of those options.

As long as you're aware of the potential consequences of your decision, then that's fine. But to say this is "all you can do" simply isn't true.

Keep us posted.

I meant I know I want to give him a second chance ... so all I can do now is wait and see how he acts through rehab and when he gets home and see if he does what he says he wants to do for himself.

If he does relapse or start to take his recovery not as seriously then I have no problem walking away, that way I know I did all I could and I gave him a second chance and he blew it. I would be okay with that but to leave now when he is trying to get better would just seem foolish to me

Hi Marissa,

Just a little piece of advice from someone who spent close to 5 years dealing with an addict in and out of jail multiple times.......

DO NOT SEND HIM MONEY.

also, read a little sticky called what addicts say from jail....or something like that. It's an eye opener. Good Luck!

sorry, just saw you were told to read that,! You said he asked you to bring him books. From my experience you cant just "bring him stuff"
Books can only come from the source directly, like Amazon and that would COST YOU MONEY.

one more thing, I don't know if jail will "transfer to him to rehab" the one here just dumps them back out on the streets after time is served.
I know this because my x was let out with little warning and every time it was the same thing.....they let him out, he got drunk and high and would show up on my doorstep. That gets old fast.

Wise words from Vale.

You get to choose how you handle your situation, and whatever your choices we are here to support you. Just know that the words here are meant to help you see the reality as it is for most of us. I pray your situation will be different.

Hugs

Hey Marissa, I don't if you remember me but I'm the one who suggested you post in this forum. I'm an alcoholic and you most likely wouldn't have listened to what I would have said. But I would have told you the same things you're hearing here. An addict only really cares about him/herself and where the next fix will come from. I truly hope your bf gets sober and more importantly stays sober. I'm not going to tell you what to do but go into the relationship with your eyes wide open. You sound like you're still young and can have a great life ahead of you if you make the right choices. Make sure you get what you want out of life. Have empathy but take care of yourself and your child first.

Good luck!

He has an skype interview with the rehab facility on the 9th!! Hopefully things get moving soon, the process is so dang slow! He has been writing me alot and keeping a journal, he has read all of the addiction books we got him and he said in his letter that seeing it all on paper has been a real eye opener

He was like "I never realized I have an addictive personality, I think I am even addicted to my phone and facebook." haha he's learning!

Ugh so he didnt get his interview like he was told he would and he is freaking out. He is saying the longer he is in the jail the less appealling rehab looks because he figures if he has to stay in jail for much longer that will be his rehab.

He is losing his mind in their and its so awful!!! He was suppose to be transferred to rehab within his first couple of weeks in jail now we are going on a month in jail with no clue what his charge is, he hasnt even been sentenced to anything. Not knowing whats going on is pissing him off more and more each day and I hate this.

He wanted to go to rehab and he knows he has a problem but he doesnt want to spend months in jail then months in rehab, which I understand but if he is never goes to rehab how can he get better? He learns nothing in jail he said the "drug and alcohol classes" are a joke they watched episodes of MASH, learned literally nothing, and all he said hes learning is "how to be a criminal". He doesnt belong in jail, he is sick and needs help. UGHHHHH