Relapse with a newborn
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Join Date: Oct 2015
Posts: 3
Relapse with a newborn
Hello
I'm sorry if this isn't the right place to post this. Anyway, I've been with my husband for 2 years, now, and I just had a baby on the 11th. He has been in recovery (alcohol) for 3 years, and in the back of my mind, I was aware that relapses were always a possibility. Well, the day after we brought our newborn home from the hospital, he was slurring his words and acting intoxicated. Without going into too many details, because I'm too exhausted to recount them all, he went on a four day bender of Xanax. I flushed two bags of Xanax, and by Monday/Tuesday, he was admitting to feeling shame and guilt about missing out on the first week of his son's life. I thought it was over, but yesterday and today he is back at it. He is lying about it, though. He is slurring his words, not shutting doors, and has held his son maybe 3 or 4 times, total. I don't know how to handle this, because I can't get a straight, honest answer out of him. He doesn't remember conversations from yesterday, and his sense of time is totally warped. He won't stop, and I have no idea how to handle this kind of thing. I can't even look him in the eye. How do I handle a relapse with a newborn in the picture? I'm supposed to be supportive, but how do I do that when he is constantly intoxicated? When I explain to him what my boundaries are, he mumbles about how he is just tired, and tries to make me feel guilty about not trusting him. I don't feel guilty, and as of last week, don't trust him either. I'll answer any questions about details. I'm just at a loss for how to approach this.
I'm sorry if this isn't the right place to post this. Anyway, I've been with my husband for 2 years, now, and I just had a baby on the 11th. He has been in recovery (alcohol) for 3 years, and in the back of my mind, I was aware that relapses were always a possibility. Well, the day after we brought our newborn home from the hospital, he was slurring his words and acting intoxicated. Without going into too many details, because I'm too exhausted to recount them all, he went on a four day bender of Xanax. I flushed two bags of Xanax, and by Monday/Tuesday, he was admitting to feeling shame and guilt about missing out on the first week of his son's life. I thought it was over, but yesterday and today he is back at it. He is lying about it, though. He is slurring his words, not shutting doors, and has held his son maybe 3 or 4 times, total. I don't know how to handle this, because I can't get a straight, honest answer out of him. He doesn't remember conversations from yesterday, and his sense of time is totally warped. He won't stop, and I have no idea how to handle this kind of thing. I can't even look him in the eye. How do I handle a relapse with a newborn in the picture? I'm supposed to be supportive, but how do I do that when he is constantly intoxicated? When I explain to him what my boundaries are, he mumbles about how he is just tired, and tries to make me feel guilty about not trusting him. I don't feel guilty, and as of last week, don't trust him either. I'll answer any questions about details. I'm just at a loss for how to approach this.
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Join Date: Mar 2006
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BabyBlue, I wanted to say that I am so sorry for the reasons that bring you here, but very glad that you have found the forum. It's terribly sad that this time that should be so joyful in your life is filled with anxiety and concern with your husband's addiction.
Other partners of those with addiction issues will be around soon to share their experiences. For now, I just wanted to say that the most important concerns right now are you and your precious baby. It's a sad reality that using addicts often deny they are using even if you catch them in the middle of the act. They are lying to themselves as much if not more than they are lying to us. Please don't let the fact that he is in denial make you feel a need to believe any of his excuses or feel guilty about lack of trust. His actions are the reasons you lost trust. He has a choice when it comes to rebuilding that trust, and his actions, not his words, will show whether he wants to get help and change his behaviors.
Do you have any friends or family who may be able to help you with your baby and provide the support you need that he is not capable of providing while he continues to use?
I'm sure you are emotionally and physically exhausted and I am so, so sorry that you have to deal with addiction at a time when the focus should be on you and your newborn.
Other partners of those with addiction issues will be around soon to share their experiences. For now, I just wanted to say that the most important concerns right now are you and your precious baby. It's a sad reality that using addicts often deny they are using even if you catch them in the middle of the act. They are lying to themselves as much if not more than they are lying to us. Please don't let the fact that he is in denial make you feel a need to believe any of his excuses or feel guilty about lack of trust. His actions are the reasons you lost trust. He has a choice when it comes to rebuilding that trust, and his actions, not his words, will show whether he wants to get help and change his behaviors.
Do you have any friends or family who may be able to help you with your baby and provide the support you need that he is not capable of providing while he continues to use?
I'm sure you are emotionally and physically exhausted and I am so, so sorry that you have to deal with addiction at a time when the focus should be on you and your newborn.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2012
Posts: 8
My son was 5 months old when his father relapsed on crack. I made him leave. I wouldn't let him see our son while he was high. Now over a year later he's in rehab again. Which is great because I couldn't keep calm and happy while caring for the baby in the midst of all that emotional chaos. He was never mean or violent, I just didn't want that kind of mental instability around my child. It felt wrong.
How are you managing to deal with all this on the minimal sleep that comes with having a newborn in the house?
I remember being too tired and stressed to ask for help but thankfully accepted all the help anyone offered. Please tell someone close to you what's going on and let them help you with the baby. People want to help. You don't have to let them tell you what to do.
How are you managing to deal with all this on the minimal sleep that comes with having a newborn in the house?
I remember being too tired and stressed to ask for help but thankfully accepted all the help anyone offered. Please tell someone close to you what's going on and let them help you with the baby. People want to help. You don't have to let them tell you what to do.
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Join Date: Jan 2012
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BabyBlue...
Welcome to the Board. Reading this post is heartbreaking. This time of your life should be joyful. Instead, you're confronted with the monster that is addiction.
Fortunately, you've come to a really, really good place, and our members will be by to greet you in due course. As greeteachday said, your first priority is protecting yourself and your baby. It is really, really hard to watch someone we love willingly self destruct. And it's also really hard to not be angry when that same person does not accept responsibility for their actions and instead tries to blame other people. So all you can do is protect yourself and your baby. However you do so is up to you.
We're in your corner. Never forget that.
Keep us posted, and again, Welcome to the Board.
Welcome to the Board. Reading this post is heartbreaking. This time of your life should be joyful. Instead, you're confronted with the monster that is addiction.
Fortunately, you've come to a really, really good place, and our members will be by to greet you in due course. As greeteachday said, your first priority is protecting yourself and your baby. It is really, really hard to watch someone we love willingly self destruct. And it's also really hard to not be angry when that same person does not accept responsibility for their actions and instead tries to blame other people. So all you can do is protect yourself and your baby. However you do so is up to you.
We're in your corner. Never forget that.
Keep us posted, and again, Welcome to the Board.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 51
I'm SO SORRY for what you're dealing with. My husband was high during the birth of our daughter 2 years ago. Due to the continued insanity of his addiction, I drove hours to stay at my mom's house with our newborn 3 times during my maternity leave.
Of everything he and his addiction have stolen from me, I'm most resentful and heartbroken over the chaos of those first few weeks and months, precious months I can never get back.
He recognized the chaos he caused and cried and felt terrible about what he was doing, but did it anyway. I wish I could say things have gotten better. I mean they have, periodically, which is why I haven't been able to end it yet! But nothing is better for very long, it seems.
If you have supportive family or friends who love your baby, surround yourself with them, those are the good memories you will have.
God bless you and your little one!!!
Of everything he and his addiction have stolen from me, I'm most resentful and heartbroken over the chaos of those first few weeks and months, precious months I can never get back.
He recognized the chaos he caused and cried and felt terrible about what he was doing, but did it anyway. I wish I could say things have gotten better. I mean they have, periodically, which is why I haven't been able to end it yet! But nothing is better for very long, it seems.
If you have supportive family or friends who love your baby, surround yourself with them, those are the good memories you will have.
God bless you and your little one!!!
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 220
Hi BabyBlue,
Congrats on your new little one!
If he was sober for three years, then he knows what he has to do and where to get support. It was very hard for me to accept that I could only set boundries for myself and my children and that I could not help him get sober. But that was the truth.
Please take care of yourself and your little one. Hugs.
Congrats on your new little one!
If he was sober for three years, then he knows what he has to do and where to get support. It was very hard for me to accept that I could only set boundries for myself and my children and that I could not help him get sober. But that was the truth.
Please take care of yourself and your little one. Hugs.
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Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: USA
Posts: 574
blessings for you and your little one. It's such an amazing gift which should not be marred by your husband/AH. Ella wrote it well.
I've been where you are but that time was with my alcoholic husband of 21 yrs.
Please keep coming back and don't be afraid to let go of this dream, for it will follow you and your child ... bearing sadness, disappointment, hopelessness, fear and strife. I was able to find strength in my children. In my hope for a more loving environment for them. So that they did not grow up and keep picking men who were like their father. It was a long ugly road but we eventually arrived !! I wish SR had existed back then but I did attend meetings and learned so much from everyone there.
hugs for you BB
Joie
I've been where you are but that time was with my alcoholic husband of 21 yrs.
Please keep coming back and don't be afraid to let go of this dream, for it will follow you and your child ... bearing sadness, disappointment, hopelessness, fear and strife. I was able to find strength in my children. In my hope for a more loving environment for them. So that they did not grow up and keep picking men who were like their father. It was a long ugly road but we eventually arrived !! I wish SR had existed back then but I did attend meetings and learned so much from everyone there.
hugs for you BB
Joie
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
I'm supposed to be supportive, but how do I do that when he is constantly intoxicated? When I explain to him what my boundaries are, he mumbles about how he is just tired, and tries to make me feel guilty about not trusting him.
right now there is nothing TO support.....he's using during a time that is irreplaceable with his brand new perfect baby at home. that is utterly despicable behavior.
you don't NEED to explain your boundaries, you can just live them and enforce them. can you get him to leave the house? or do you have family or loved ones you could go stay with? your baby deserves a home filled with safety and security and love. strung out drug addicts need not apply..............
right now there is nothing TO support.....he's using during a time that is irreplaceable with his brand new perfect baby at home. that is utterly despicable behavior.
you don't NEED to explain your boundaries, you can just live them and enforce them. can you get him to leave the house? or do you have family or loved ones you could go stay with? your baby deserves a home filled with safety and security and love. strung out drug addicts need not apply..............
Member
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Dallas TX
Posts: 2,282
You don't need permission to be a Mom.
The universe/God/or whatever you hold dear gave
you permission.....and ultimate sovereign authority
........the day you gave birth.
And oh..... the male in this picture?
(Who gives a damn. He had his chance. Now your baby
deserves one.)
The universe/God/or whatever you hold dear gave
you permission.....and ultimate sovereign authority
........the day you gave birth.
And oh..... the male in this picture?
(Who gives a damn. He had his chance. Now your baby
deserves one.)
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2015
Posts: 3
He has gotten better at hiding his pill problem, but it's getting to the point where he's dropping hundreds on it. I found the texts, and acquired the proof I may need in the near future.
In the meantime, I'm strongly considering going to a meeting. My question is this: would I go to al-anon or narc-anon? He was a recovering alcoholic. I don't know if he has actually drank since he "sobered up"...his current problem is pills. It's been a month of almost daily abuse, and lies and secrets. I have been looking at meetings, and have no idea which one to attend.
In the meantime, I'm strongly considering going to a meeting. My question is this: would I go to al-anon or narc-anon? He was a recovering alcoholic. I don't know if he has actually drank since he "sobered up"...his current problem is pills. It's been a month of almost daily abuse, and lies and secrets. I have been looking at meetings, and have no idea which one to attend.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2006
Posts: 60
First congrats on the birth of your baby! I'm glad you found the forum.
I second this. Perhaps you agreed to be supportive of an addict who has embraced recovery, but now he has chosen to be just an addict.
Originally Posted by AnvilheadII 
I'm supposed to be supportive, but how do I do that when he is constantly intoxicated? When I explain to him what my boundaries are, he mumbles about how he is just tired, and tries to make me feel guilty about not trusting him.
right now there is nothing TO support.....he's using during a time that is irreplaceable with his brand new perfect baby at home. that is utterly despicable behavior.
you don't NEED to explain your boundaries, you can just live them and enforce them. can you get him to leave the house? or do you have family or loved ones you could go stay with? your baby deserves a home filled with safety and security and love. strung out drug addicts need not apply..............
right now there is nothing TO support.....he's using during a time that is irreplaceable with his brand new perfect baby at home. that is utterly despicable behavior.
you don't NEED to explain your boundaries, you can just live them and enforce them. can you get him to leave the house? or do you have family or loved ones you could go stay with? your baby deserves a home filled with safety and security and love. strung out drug addicts need not apply..............
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2015
Posts: 3
Thank you all for the support and advice. Baby and I are doing okay. My family is standing by to step in, and his family....well, his family is getting fed up with him. I will try to find the nearest, soonest open meeting and go from there. I'll try to update when I get a chance.
Member
Join Date: May 2014
Posts: 50
The problem with Xanax is it can really cause a person to just black out, & the more he uses them, the more angry and aggressive he will become when he's coming off of them. I agree with the others, you can't "support" him if he's not in recovery. There may have been factors of him being stressed over the birth of his first child that pushed him to relapse or seek pills that help with anxiety like that. But that doesn't make it okay. I'm sorry that he's missing out on his newborns life, it really sucks I know first hand wishing the memories of this magical time were different .. Just put some distance between you guys as much as you can and be firm on your boundaries. It may be a momentary lapse that he'll snap out of once he sees the reality of the situation. But it honestly also may not if he's spending the whole time in a different reality. Take care of yourself and your sweet baby first, don't let what he's doing steal away from this time. *hugs*
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