looking for support
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Join Date: Mar 2015
Location: Delray Beach, Florida
Posts: 215
looking for support
I was told last night by my husband that I'm "toxic". He has been home since mid August. Since home he hasn't been using. He is attending meetings 4 times a week. Lately he has been giving me such a hard time because I won't let him drive the boys. I'm fearful that if he relapses I won't know (he hid it well) and he could put our children in danger like he did before. He gets angry and says comments about how he doesn't need my permission to drive his children. He also says that since he's been home I have treated him poorly and I'm not supportive of his recovery. I have to admit that I'm angry and distant. Maybe I haven't been supportive. Maybe I don't know how to be supportive. I told him how deeply scared I am that he could possibly put our boys lives in danger and it's going to take some time before I can trust him again. After our conversation he said he understood and won't bring up the driving thing anymore. He has also said again and again that I'm the only person in his life that hasn't forgiven him for his relapse. These people didn't live through it or did they have their children put in danger. It's so upsetting to me that he says these things. It makes me feel like less of a person...like I'm suppose to move on and forget everything that happened bc everyone else has. My heart hurts. I don't know what to do. I was ready to call it quits with him over the weekend but now I'm wondering is it me who is being heartless and unloving towards him? Part of me feels he isn't doing everything he should for his recovery. He says he is doing everything he can do...meetings, sponsor work... He says he is working with his sponsor but his sponsor told me he is not. I haven't seen any evidence he is either. He is also not working. He is looking for work but says he doesn't want to just take anything because he wants to be happy and content in his job so he won't get fired. I understand that as well. He says I don't understand about addiction and if I did I would understand just how hard it is to be him. Says, "it's so hard being me". Part of me wants to say...please put on your big boy pants and suck it up and start providing for your family. Part of me wants to be more understanding. He equates all his job losses over the years to not knowing what he wants to do in life...not knowing whats going to make him happy. I feel so confused. Is he being honest with me or is he manipulating me again? My head is about to explode. Meanwhile he has told his parents that I'm not supportive, I barely talk to him and that I don't love him anymore. I am distant but I don't know how to deal with all of this. Please help
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Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: In the Middle
Posts: 632
I totally understand what your feeling - and don't. Relationships are hard - marriages are hard - even without drugs in the picture. You are protecting your kids. That's acceptable behavior. As far as you being the toxic one - sometimes we are toxic because that's the way we behave to protect ourselves. Anger is an acceptable response to everything. It's okay to feel however you need to feel. Try to seek peace for yourself. We can only work on ourselves and control how we feel. We can never control how someone else feels. If he feels unloved that's his problem.
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Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: East Coast
Posts: 427
Even if he's not using, he can still exhibit addict behavior, and it sounds like he's being manipulative, and it's working- he's making you doubt yourself. You need to protect your children, and to me, someone that is in recovery does the work and shows it when they are serious about being clean and sober. Stand your ground and trust your gut.
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Join Date: Mar 2015
Location: Delray Beach, Florida
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Originally Posted by atalose 
What kind of a recovery program are you working?
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Join Date: Dec 2013
Posts: 413
Originally Posted by mamaof3boyz
He is looking for work but says he doesn't want to just take anything because he wants to be happy and content in his job so he won't get fired. I understand that as well.
Please -- this statement of his just reeks of entitlement.
My bank won't let me slide on my mortgage payment because I am waiting to find a job where I can be happy and won't be fired. My utility companies aren't waiting for me to find a job where I can be happy and won't be fired. My grocery store isn't waiting for me to find a job where I can be happy and won't be fired.
He sounds like a parasite. Why are you putting up with this? What is he bringing into your life?
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Join Date: Mar 2015
Location: Delray Beach, Florida
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Originally Posted by cece1960
Mama, what tells you he isn't using?
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Originally Posted by Needabreak
You understand this??? You accept that you are supposed to take care him, as well as taking care of your own living expenses and your kids while he sits around the house because he's waiting until an opportunity comes along where he can be happy and content in a job and not get fired?
Please -- this statement of his just reeks of entitlement.
My bank won't let me slide on my mortgage payment because I am waiting to find a job where I can be happy and won't be fired. My utility companies aren't waiting for me to find a job where I can be happy and won't be fired. My grocery store isn't waiting for me to find a job where I can be happy and won't be fired.
He sounds like a parasite. Why are you putting up with this? What is he bringing into your life?
Please -- this statement of his just reeks of entitlement.
My bank won't let me slide on my mortgage payment because I am waiting to find a job where I can be happy and won't be fired. My utility companies aren't waiting for me to find a job where I can be happy and won't be fired. My grocery store isn't waiting for me to find a job where I can be happy and won't be fired.
He sounds like a parasite. Why are you putting up with this? What is he bringing into your life?
I hadn't looked at it in the way of his entitlement. I told him he may never find a job that will make him happy so he is just going to have to accept it and change his attitude. I said "I need you to make it right, right now...you need to provide for your family" he said "oh so the next job I get I have to be happy with it and stick with it for 20 years?"
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Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
That’s good you are talking with a psychologist and posting here. Maybe a face to face type of support group like an-anon could also benefit you.
How can I say this without you thinking I am taking his side because I certainly am not! Here goes….
Often we have behaviors that come to the surface when dealing with alcoholics/addicts that are not helpful or productive for us. Often we have been so conditioned to care for others that we forget how to care for ourselves, worry about ourselves and focus on ourselves. Sometimes we don’t want to look in the mirror, put in the hard work to make positive changes and find it easier to focus elsewhere.
I’m a caring and giving person by nature but by the alcoholic/addict I am viewed as a controlling, directing, pushy, heartless, uncaring and unforgiving person.
And to be very honest I was all of those things especially when my ex was using. It’s hard for us to change a negative character trait if we can’t see it let alone understand how it’s negative for us.
In al-anon the focus is solely on us NOT the alcoholic/addicts in our lives. That is where I began to truly look in the mirror and own what was my part and how I could change my negatives into positives for me and a more peaceful life.
Re-building trust is slow and both parties need to participate in healthy ways. Snooping, spying, checking are all negatives that keep you planted into not trusting and not rebuilding. And if re-building trust is something you really want to do then you need to make some changes and do some things differently.
How can I say this without you thinking I am taking his side because I certainly am not! Here goes….
Often we have behaviors that come to the surface when dealing with alcoholics/addicts that are not helpful or productive for us. Often we have been so conditioned to care for others that we forget how to care for ourselves, worry about ourselves and focus on ourselves. Sometimes we don’t want to look in the mirror, put in the hard work to make positive changes and find it easier to focus elsewhere.
I’m a caring and giving person by nature but by the alcoholic/addict I am viewed as a controlling, directing, pushy, heartless, uncaring and unforgiving person.
And to be very honest I was all of those things especially when my ex was using. It’s hard for us to change a negative character trait if we can’t see it let alone understand how it’s negative for us.
In al-anon the focus is solely on us NOT the alcoholic/addicts in our lives. That is where I began to truly look in the mirror and own what was my part and how I could change my negatives into positives for me and a more peaceful life.
Re-building trust is slow and both parties need to participate in healthy ways. Snooping, spying, checking are all negatives that keep you planted into not trusting and not rebuilding. And if re-building trust is something you really want to do then you need to make some changes and do some things differently.
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Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Los Angeles
Posts: 408
Mama,
What are you specifically doing to take care of yourself? Do you attend alanon/naranon? Do you exercise? Do you meditate, go to yoga? It sounds like a lot of your resentment, IMO, is understandable...I feel like a lot of the SOs of active addicts carry this inner turmoil, but I also believe it's important for us to accept our part in the misery. It seems like you're conflicted about what the "right" thing to do is, but the truth is-there is no "right" thing. You have to do what is best for you (and your boys) and the best thing you can do is---take care of yourself. I hope you have a support system outside of SR, you can listen to alanon speakers on youtube.
Hugs.
What are you specifically doing to take care of yourself? Do you attend alanon/naranon? Do you exercise? Do you meditate, go to yoga? It sounds like a lot of your resentment, IMO, is understandable...I feel like a lot of the SOs of active addicts carry this inner turmoil, but I also believe it's important for us to accept our part in the misery. It seems like you're conflicted about what the "right" thing to do is, but the truth is-there is no "right" thing. You have to do what is best for you (and your boys) and the best thing you can do is---take care of yourself. I hope you have a support system outside of SR, you can listen to alanon speakers on youtube.
Hugs.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2013
Posts: 413
Originally Posted by mamaof3boyz
When he isn't having issues he can be fun to be around. He is good with the kids...not the best at discipline and parenting in my opinion. Other than that. ..I don't know what else there is. He is there for me to listen when I have problems with work or other things. He tries hard to solve any problems I'm having.
You do not need to put up with this. You do not need to adjust to his addiction and just find some way to be happy in spite of it. You do not need to stay. You can decide that you have had enough.
My ex was a cocaine addict. He didn't have addiction issues (that I knew of) when we met, but the addiction reared its ugly head a few years in, and got really bad when his mother died. I excused a lot in those years -- he stopped working and I took over the finances, believed he'd be better once he processed his mother's death. He became snarky and accused me of being controlling and toxic -- just like yours did. Yeah, toxic. I suppose because I wanted a partner who contributed equally instead of one who I had to take care of.
It took me a couple years, but I finally I decided I had had enough, and that it wasn't my fault or responsibility that he chose to process the death of a parent in this way. I moved out. He continued his downward descent, and is in jail now.
My point is, I didn't have to go down with him. Nor do you. We can make healthier choices.
He's not choosing recovery now. He is being manipulative and is not carrying his own weight. This is not your fault, and you deserve better.
Again, I realize that this is a minority opinion around here, but it is mine, and has done me well in my own life.
Curmudgeon, Electrical Engineer, Guitar God Wannabe
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Where the mighty arms of Atlas hold the heavens from the Earth
Posts: 3,403
I was told last night by my husband that I'm "toxic".
If he was truly committed to his recovery program, he wouldn't be taking your inventory...
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Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: The Burgh
Posts: 1,991
Originally Posted by Needabreak
I know that what I am about to write is kind of a minority opinion around here, but here goes.
You do not need to put up with this. You do not need to adjust to his addiction and just find some way to be happy in spite of it. You do not need to stay. You can decide that you have had enough.
My ex was a cocaine addict. He didn't have addiction issues (that I knew of) when we met, but the addiction reared its ugly head a few years in, and got really bad when his mother died. I excused a lot in those years -- he stopped working and I took over the finances, believed he'd be better once he processed his mother's death. He became snarky and accused me of being controlling and toxic -- just like yours did. Yeah, toxic. I suppose because I wanted a partner who contributed equally instead of one who I had to take care of.
It took me a couple years, but I finally I decided I had had enough, and that it wasn't my fault or responsibility that he chose to process the death of a parent in this way. I moved out. He continued his downward descent, and is in jail now.
My point is, I didn't have to go down with him. Nor do you. We can make healthier choices.
He's not choosing recovery now. He is being manipulative and is not carrying his own weight. This is not your fault, and you deserve better.
Again, I realize that this is a minority opinion around here, but it is mine, and has done me well in my own life.
You do not need to put up with this. You do not need to adjust to his addiction and just find some way to be happy in spite of it. You do not need to stay. You can decide that you have had enough.
My ex was a cocaine addict. He didn't have addiction issues (that I knew of) when we met, but the addiction reared its ugly head a few years in, and got really bad when his mother died. I excused a lot in those years -- he stopped working and I took over the finances, believed he'd be better once he processed his mother's death. He became snarky and accused me of being controlling and toxic -- just like yours did. Yeah, toxic. I suppose because I wanted a partner who contributed equally instead of one who I had to take care of.
It took me a couple years, but I finally I decided I had had enough, and that it wasn't my fault or responsibility that he chose to process the death of a parent in this way. I moved out. He continued his downward descent, and is in jail now.
My point is, I didn't have to go down with him. Nor do you. We can make healthier choices.
He's not choosing recovery now. He is being manipulative and is not carrying his own weight. This is not your fault, and you deserve better.
Again, I realize that this is a minority opinion around here, but it is mine, and has done me well in my own life.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: Texas
Posts: 71
Mama,
It seems like the addict will blame everyone and everything so they don't have to deal with the real problem.
My AEH said I was unsupportive and blamed me once for one of his relapses. I finally had enough with him and all of the destruction he caused. It was such a difficult decision since I have small kids as well. I knew that we would all be better off without him in our lives.
He has now moved on and still hasn't dealt with any of his issues so I wouldn't be surprised if one day I received a call saying he was dead or in jail.
I think that's great you have time to see a psychologist. I know being a mommy is time consuming and that you probably can't go to meetings. One thing I will suggest is having a gratitude journal. It's something that takes very little time and reminds us of what makes us happy.
I will pray for you. The situation you are in is so difficult. You want to believe in your hubby but remember actions speak louder than words. Your kids need you, you are the healthy parent.
If you ever need to chat, pm me.
Hugs!
Faith
It seems like the addict will blame everyone and everything so they don't have to deal with the real problem.
My AEH said I was unsupportive and blamed me once for one of his relapses. I finally had enough with him and all of the destruction he caused. It was such a difficult decision since I have small kids as well. I knew that we would all be better off without him in our lives.
He has now moved on and still hasn't dealt with any of his issues so I wouldn't be surprised if one day I received a call saying he was dead or in jail.
I think that's great you have time to see a psychologist. I know being a mommy is time consuming and that you probably can't go to meetings. One thing I will suggest is having a gratitude journal. It's something that takes very little time and reminds us of what makes us happy.
I will pray for you. The situation you are in is so difficult. You want to believe in your hubby but remember actions speak louder than words. Your kids need you, you are the healthy parent.
If you ever need to chat, pm me.
Hugs!
Faith
Member
Join Date: Nov 2012
Posts: 1,618
I find it interesting that your AH called you toxic after you decided to maintain your boundaries. Mine did the same thing. He doesnt have to be using to have negative behaviors.
You dont have to put up with those behaviors just because he is "clean" Being "clean" is good, but its just the start.
I am in the same boat, but my AH doesn't live with me. I simply wouldn't allow it yet and now he doesn't want to.
To each his own I guess, but this type of behavior seems very common on the board for "recovering addicts"
You dont have to put up with those behaviors just because he is "clean" Being "clean" is good, but its just the start.
I am in the same boat, but my AH doesn't live with me. I simply wouldn't allow it yet and now he doesn't want to.
To each his own I guess, but this type of behavior seems very common on the board for "recovering addicts"
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: USA
Posts: 574
M ... read your post again when you are having a 'strong' day. You may see your story thru different eyes. He's draining you to save himself.
I'm just an outsider looking in ... but I went thru this and it hurts almost as much knowing that anyone else suffers from their addicts behavior.
I'm just an outsider looking in ... but I went thru this and it hurts almost as much knowing that anyone else suffers from their addicts behavior.
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Another great member here often reminds us....take "drugs" out of the equation and what do you have? A man who won't work and who tries to make YOU feel like the one with the problem. Is this acceptable to you?
I don't know if you have tried joint counseling, but maybe that would help.
I am sorry for how this has affected your life, sadly addiction really is a family disease.
Hugs
I don't know if you have tried joint counseling, but maybe that would help.
I am sorry for how this has affected your life, sadly addiction really is a family disease.
Hugs
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
He is looking for work but says he doesn't want to just take anything because he wants to be happy and content in his job so he won't get fired.
how old is this guy??? cuz the way keeping a job works is to.....DO YOUR DAMN JOB to the best of your ability. surely it helps to have a job we enjoy or at least don't HATE, but he sounds like he's shopping for a good pair of SHOES not a job to support his family.
you said "job losses over the years" - it sounds like he has a pattern of finding way NOT to work. that's not fair to his family. he is taking advantage of you........while blaming you for not being supportive enough.
how old is this guy??? cuz the way keeping a job works is to.....DO YOUR DAMN JOB to the best of your ability. surely it helps to have a job we enjoy or at least don't HATE, but he sounds like he's shopping for a good pair of SHOES not a job to support his family.
you said "job losses over the years" - it sounds like he has a pattern of finding way NOT to work. that's not fair to his family. he is taking advantage of you........while blaming you for not being supportive enough.
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https://youtu.be/jKYivs6ZLZk
( But Anvil beat me to the flag raising, damn it !)
The irony is that the actor who portrayed Peter Gibbons
in all likelihood made alot of money playing this role.
( But Anvil beat me to the flag raising, damn it !)
The irony is that the actor who portrayed Peter Gibbons
in all likelihood made alot of money playing this role.
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