things are unraveling so fast!
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Join Date: Nov 2012
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things are unraveling so fast!
AH has been "doing well" but things are surely still falling apart.
He has been working two jobs and going to treatment. He completes parole in two weeks.
Last week he became argumentative. He was critical of me, my parenting, my job, my house. He used the argument as an excuse to not hang out on the day we were supposed to. He has been displaying that avoidance which we all know so well. Hes pushed me away so far that he has even asked for a divorce. I take him seriously when he says this because of his disapperances. He is angry because he has crossed boundaries for me emotionally by being manipulative and rude and talking down to me. He called me names! And said some very hurtful things. I maintained that he could not treat me this way, so his response was to threaten to leave me altogether. He took back the statement and appologized, saying he did not mean that he wanted to end the marriage, but that he was veey stressed and finding it difficult to navigate. I find it interesting that he didnt think the marriage was stressful until I put my foot down.
Wednesday night he stayed out until 5:30 am. Friday night he stayed out till 2:30 am.
He has been arguing with me over stupid stuff left and right.
He has passed his two UAs this week for parole. I dont think that matters though, because he still doesn't have behaviors that really reflect recovery.
Today his grandma cornered me at church and said I must not tell anyone that he has been mean to me, or that he disappered from my dads house all night, because I could damage his reputation that he has worked so hard to rebuild. I asked her repeatedly to leave me alone. She made accusations against me that I was wrong and need to be more of a lady and just endure this treatment. I tried to walk away but she followed. And after 3 or 4 times of warning her, I shouted at her because I felt cornered like a rat in a cage. She said his behaviors were all my fault.
He defended me to her. He said that it was not my job to protect his reputation. It was his, and that he had indeed been mean to me. I needed church to be a safe place to be honest, and so did he.
He went to lunch with the kids and I, which has been the routine. He had taken a UA in the morning to be able to be around them and he passed. He was supposed to visit them today. He told me at lunch not to worry about grandma, and that he didnt hold it against me. He wanted to go home and change and he would be over to see the kids within the hour.
Then he disappeared. He has not responded to text. He hasnt returned any calls. He responded when my dad asked if he was ok though, and he said yes. But did not offer any explanation.
I am trying my very hardest to just leave him alone. I wish he would have had the courtesy to say "something came up, I cant come over" ya know? Or even "I am upset and want to take the day to myself" but there hasnt been anything like that. He has simply taken off. Maybe to his parents or to his friends from work, but why lie and say he would be there in an hour, no show, and then not call or text? My daughter was so disappointed!!!!
And yet he is passing his UAs. He is apperently clean. Hes not nodding off or anything.
That doesnt mean I can tolerate the way he has been treating me. Using looks like using and this decline was very sudden. It hit out of nowhere. One day everything was normal, and the next it all hit like a tidal wave.
I want to step back and just watch the show from a bit further of a distance, and that is difficult. I need help to do that. So here I am. Im sorry but being clean does not make these behaviors ok!!!
He has been working two jobs and going to treatment. He completes parole in two weeks.
Last week he became argumentative. He was critical of me, my parenting, my job, my house. He used the argument as an excuse to not hang out on the day we were supposed to. He has been displaying that avoidance which we all know so well. Hes pushed me away so far that he has even asked for a divorce. I take him seriously when he says this because of his disapperances. He is angry because he has crossed boundaries for me emotionally by being manipulative and rude and talking down to me. He called me names! And said some very hurtful things. I maintained that he could not treat me this way, so his response was to threaten to leave me altogether. He took back the statement and appologized, saying he did not mean that he wanted to end the marriage, but that he was veey stressed and finding it difficult to navigate. I find it interesting that he didnt think the marriage was stressful until I put my foot down.
Wednesday night he stayed out until 5:30 am. Friday night he stayed out till 2:30 am.
He has been arguing with me over stupid stuff left and right.
He has passed his two UAs this week for parole. I dont think that matters though, because he still doesn't have behaviors that really reflect recovery.
Today his grandma cornered me at church and said I must not tell anyone that he has been mean to me, or that he disappered from my dads house all night, because I could damage his reputation that he has worked so hard to rebuild. I asked her repeatedly to leave me alone. She made accusations against me that I was wrong and need to be more of a lady and just endure this treatment. I tried to walk away but she followed. And after 3 or 4 times of warning her, I shouted at her because I felt cornered like a rat in a cage. She said his behaviors were all my fault.
He defended me to her. He said that it was not my job to protect his reputation. It was his, and that he had indeed been mean to me. I needed church to be a safe place to be honest, and so did he.
He went to lunch with the kids and I, which has been the routine. He had taken a UA in the morning to be able to be around them and he passed. He was supposed to visit them today. He told me at lunch not to worry about grandma, and that he didnt hold it against me. He wanted to go home and change and he would be over to see the kids within the hour.
Then he disappeared. He has not responded to text. He hasnt returned any calls. He responded when my dad asked if he was ok though, and he said yes. But did not offer any explanation.
I am trying my very hardest to just leave him alone. I wish he would have had the courtesy to say "something came up, I cant come over" ya know? Or even "I am upset and want to take the day to myself" but there hasnt been anything like that. He has simply taken off. Maybe to his parents or to his friends from work, but why lie and say he would be there in an hour, no show, and then not call or text? My daughter was so disappointed!!!!
And yet he is passing his UAs. He is apperently clean. Hes not nodding off or anything.
That doesnt mean I can tolerate the way he has been treating me. Using looks like using and this decline was very sudden. It hit out of nowhere. One day everything was normal, and the next it all hit like a tidal wave.
I want to step back and just watch the show from a bit further of a distance, and that is difficult. I need help to do that. So here I am. Im sorry but being clean does not make these behaviors ok!!!
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Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 2,684
I am sorry also and send hugs 
, support, and prayers.
I hope in the future your church time will be uninterrupted by the out of line grandma. Church is my "safe haven," and I cannot imagine the frustration you might have felt during that scene you endured in God's house.
Take care.
, support, and prayers. I hope in the future your church time will be uninterrupted by the out of line grandma. Church is my "safe haven," and I cannot imagine the frustration you might have felt during that scene you endured in God's house.
Take care.
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Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 11,417
I think your instincts are giving you good advice to step back.
I'm sorry this is happening--I hope he realizes he's on the edge
of a big cliff before it is too late and gets some help
Meanwhile, you take care of you and your daughter as you have been doing.
Grandma can go get stuffed.
She knows nothing of what it is to live with this kind of thing.
I'm sorry this is happening--I hope he realizes he's on the edge
of a big cliff before it is too late and gets some help
Meanwhile, you take care of you and your daughter as you have been doing.
Grandma can go get stuffed.
She knows nothing of what it is to live with this kind of thing.
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Join Date: Nov 2012
Posts: 1,618
Edit: venting and rambling ahead
Thanks everyone. There's honestly nothing I can do. I've seen these symptoms before. I'm glad he's still going to counseling and he is still going to work and to church so he hasn't fallen off the map completely. He's not absconded from Parole.
I do believe sober living would be better for him because of the curfews, and other limitations. Its tough to go from prison to freedom with no in between. I havent mentioned it to him though. Its his life.
Im honestly not very angry because I have very low expectations of him as far as being in a relationship with me goes. I have told him also that I am not yet ready to really work on the marriage yet. We can re-evaluate mid november or maybe even as far as January and start marriage counselling then. I plan to resign my lease in march for at least another 6 months. We reamain "separated" until then. Ive not filed for legal separation, but will not hesitate to do so.
He showed up at my house last night with a time clock slip from work. He said he was upset because grandma was blowing up his phone after the church fiasco, so he went to a place that he could not leave, and had to keep his emotions level. I would have called BS if he didnt show me his clock in clock out slip. I still have my doubts though because using looks like using. He got called down for another drug test for parole today, and I wouldnt be surprised if he failed. At home tests are easy enough to trick, but the government ones are more reliable.
I told him a simple text message for my daughter would have been nice, because she felt stood up for their visit. She would understood "I have to go to work. See you next rime. Can we reschedule?"
I also told him that the consequences of breaking visitation by no call no show for the children remain, even though he made a "good descision" He still hurt her (my oldest. My boy is beautifully innocent and does not understand) No. He may not "make up" the lost visit time. I cannot afford another UA this week and neither can he. He can wait and see her at church on Sunday. He can give her a written appology for not telling her he couldnt make it, or he can appologize when he sees her at church next sunday. He huffed and puffed minimally, but agreed.
I am angry at his grandma though for cornering me, and at church of all places! I go on sundays to claim sanctuary, to take a moral inventory of my wrongs and to spend time with God! Not to be attacked emotionally.
She called me a Jezebel!!!! For those who do not know the term, it is quite possibly the GREATEST insult she could muster. Jezebel was a murderous, treacherous, lying, decietful, horrible, evil witch of a woman.
His grandma was not active in my life while he was in prison. So for her to approach me this way really blindsided me! I dont care if you are 8 or 80, calling names like that makes her the witch, not me.
I cannot tolerate it. I know who I am and how far I have come. I have lived now since January 2014 clean and sober. I have earned my own appartment and joint custody of my children. Ive even kept the same job for 1 1/2 years. I have a car now too.
In order for me to stay my own course, I do not believe that meetings and counselling once a month are enough right now. My insurance will cover a 12 week outpatient treatment classes meeting twice a week that are a little more in depth than typical meetings. I just got out of intake as I write this. I'll be focusing on my own character defects and flaws. I just think its a good idea and cant hurt to sharpen my tools that I already have.
Sorry for the long vent.
Thanks everyone. There's honestly nothing I can do. I've seen these symptoms before. I'm glad he's still going to counseling and he is still going to work and to church so he hasn't fallen off the map completely. He's not absconded from Parole.
I do believe sober living would be better for him because of the curfews, and other limitations. Its tough to go from prison to freedom with no in between. I havent mentioned it to him though. Its his life.
Im honestly not very angry because I have very low expectations of him as far as being in a relationship with me goes. I have told him also that I am not yet ready to really work on the marriage yet. We can re-evaluate mid november or maybe even as far as January and start marriage counselling then. I plan to resign my lease in march for at least another 6 months. We reamain "separated" until then. Ive not filed for legal separation, but will not hesitate to do so.
He showed up at my house last night with a time clock slip from work. He said he was upset because grandma was blowing up his phone after the church fiasco, so he went to a place that he could not leave, and had to keep his emotions level. I would have called BS if he didnt show me his clock in clock out slip. I still have my doubts though because using looks like using. He got called down for another drug test for parole today, and I wouldnt be surprised if he failed. At home tests are easy enough to trick, but the government ones are more reliable.
I told him a simple text message for my daughter would have been nice, because she felt stood up for their visit. She would understood "I have to go to work. See you next rime. Can we reschedule?"
I also told him that the consequences of breaking visitation by no call no show for the children remain, even though he made a "good descision" He still hurt her (my oldest. My boy is beautifully innocent and does not understand) No. He may not "make up" the lost visit time. I cannot afford another UA this week and neither can he. He can wait and see her at church on Sunday. He can give her a written appology for not telling her he couldnt make it, or he can appologize when he sees her at church next sunday. He huffed and puffed minimally, but agreed.
I am angry at his grandma though for cornering me, and at church of all places! I go on sundays to claim sanctuary, to take a moral inventory of my wrongs and to spend time with God! Not to be attacked emotionally.
She called me a Jezebel!!!! For those who do not know the term, it is quite possibly the GREATEST insult she could muster. Jezebel was a murderous, treacherous, lying, decietful, horrible, evil witch of a woman.
His grandma was not active in my life while he was in prison. So for her to approach me this way really blindsided me! I dont care if you are 8 or 80, calling names like that makes her the witch, not me.
I cannot tolerate it. I know who I am and how far I have come. I have lived now since January 2014 clean and sober. I have earned my own appartment and joint custody of my children. Ive even kept the same job for 1 1/2 years. I have a car now too.
In order for me to stay my own course, I do not believe that meetings and counselling once a month are enough right now. My insurance will cover a 12 week outpatient treatment classes meeting twice a week that are a little more in depth than typical meetings. I just got out of intake as I write this. I'll be focusing on my own character defects and flaws. I just think its a good idea and cant hurt to sharpen my tools that I already have.
Sorry for the long vent.
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Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Dallas TX
Posts: 2,282
Vent any time. It's what we're here for.
Coming up on 2 years clean and sober.....you have our respect and
admiration.
"Grandma" sounds like a piece of work.......I guess she got confused
and made a wrong and ended up at a church instead of the
cockfighting ring?
Coming up on 2 years clean and sober.....you have our respect and
admiration.
"Grandma" sounds like a piece of work.......I guess she got confused
and made a wrong and ended up at a church instead of the
cockfighting ring?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2012
Posts: 1,618
He moved all of his stuff into his parents house yesterday. I dont know what happens from here. He wants to meet today and talk. I dont know if I can. I need my serenity back. I am so sad. This is all out of my control. I really have done all I can do. Im comsidering a period of no contact. Even though he is passing his drug tests.
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Join Date: Jul 2014
Location: milwaukee wi
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Lily Dear Lily hugs hugs hugs from Wisconsin.. I have been in your place.. found a church that is open alot.. and silent.. was able to lay under a bench and just sob.. untill I went to sleep.. the pastor sat not far away.. and watched over my form. for several hours.. when I woke up. stood and then sat.. he had coffee for me. and I opened my soul an heart just to the room of silence.... it helped I know Iam safe there .. have not had to go there for some time... you need to have that space and time to find out what is right for you and the kids. I like this that you had at the bottom it says so much...... "It does not do to dwell on dreams... and forget to live." ~ J. K. Rowling
we need to LIVE... love ardy....
we need to LIVE... love ardy....
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Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Where the mighty arms of Atlas hold the heavens from the Earth
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What I'm about to present is probably a minority opinion, so take what you like and leave the rest.
One of the biggest lessons I learned in the aftermath of my breakup with my AXGF is we're under no obligation to put up with any behavior we don't like. From what you describe, your AH is not in recovery. From what you describe, his behavior is unacceptable. So ask yourself where it says that not only can he behave this way, you have no choice but to tolerate it.
When you two got married, the implicit agreement inherent in your vows was neither you or him would do anything to compromise the viability and vitality of the marriage. By choosing the path of addiction, he reneged on that implicit agreement. And because he did so, you are not bound to play by the set of rules he wants to dictate -- i.e., I'm going to do whatever I want to do, and if you don't like it, too f**cking bad.
You do not need permission from anyone to make decisions that are in your best interests. Never forget that.
One of the biggest lessons I learned in the aftermath of my breakup with my AXGF is we're under no obligation to put up with any behavior we don't like. From what you describe, your AH is not in recovery. From what you describe, his behavior is unacceptable. So ask yourself where it says that not only can he behave this way, you have no choice but to tolerate it.
When you two got married, the implicit agreement inherent in your vows was neither you or him would do anything to compromise the viability and vitality of the marriage. By choosing the path of addiction, he reneged on that implicit agreement. And because he did so, you are not bound to play by the set of rules he wants to dictate -- i.e., I'm going to do whatever I want to do, and if you don't like it, too f**cking bad.
You do not need permission from anyone to make decisions that are in your best interests. Never forget that.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2012
Posts: 1,618
Originally Posted by zoso77 
What I'm about to present is probably a minority opinion, so take what you like and leave the rest.
One of the biggest lessons I learned in the aftermath of my breakup with my AXGF is we're under no obligation to put up with any behavior we don't like. From what you describe, your AH is not in recovery. From what you describe, his behavior is unacceptable. So ask yourself where it says that not only can he behave this way, you have no choice but to tolerate it.
When you two got married, the implicit agreement inherent in your vows was neither you or him would do anything to compromise the viability and vitality of the marriage. By choosing the path of addiction, he reneged on that implicit agreement. And because he did so, you are not bound to play by the set of rules he wants to dictate -- i.e., I'm going to do whatever I want to do, and if you don't like it, too f**cking bad.
You do not need permission from anyone to make decisions that are in your best interests. Never forget that.
One of the biggest lessons I learned in the aftermath of my breakup with my AXGF is we're under no obligation to put up with any behavior we don't like. From what you describe, your AH is not in recovery. From what you describe, his behavior is unacceptable. So ask yourself where it says that not only can he behave this way, you have no choice but to tolerate it.
When you two got married, the implicit agreement inherent in your vows was neither you or him would do anything to compromise the viability and vitality of the marriage. By choosing the path of addiction, he reneged on that implicit agreement. And because he did so, you are not bound to play by the set of rules he wants to dictate -- i.e., I'm going to do whatever I want to do, and if you don't like it, too f**cking bad.
You do not need permission from anyone to make decisions that are in your best interests. Never forget that.
Well Congratueffinglations AH you didnt smoke heroin today. Heres a trophy For doing what is expected of any adult in society. Thats like saying "well Im not a murderer" no sh!t sherlock. You're still an a$$hole.
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Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
I am sorry. My first thought is that he is using something that is not showing on his UA's.
Regardless, he is not being very successful in actually working his recovery. And something you said stood out to me. That you should not worry about grandma, that he did not hold it against you. Well, why would he? Grandma obviously has no clue how actual recovery works, for the actual person in recovery, or for those in their lives. That in and of itself is not a big surprise given her age. That is a different generation that accepted a lot of things in life they should not have and kept it all a secret. That's how it was done back then. However, it just set me off that is what he said to you.
I would stay on your side of the street, keep doing all the things that you need to do to take good care of you and your children. Time will reveal more. And as Zoso said, you did not sign up for this BS.
Many hugs!
Regardless, he is not being very successful in actually working his recovery. And something you said stood out to me. That you should not worry about grandma, that he did not hold it against you. Well, why would he? Grandma obviously has no clue how actual recovery works, for the actual person in recovery, or for those in their lives. That in and of itself is not a big surprise given her age. That is a different generation that accepted a lot of things in life they should not have and kept it all a secret. That's how it was done back then. However, it just set me off that is what he said to you.
I would stay on your side of the street, keep doing all the things that you need to do to take good care of you and your children. Time will reveal more. And as Zoso said, you did not sign up for this BS.
Many hugs!
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Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: In the Middle
Posts: 632
Big hugs Lilly! I respect your decision and admire the self love you are showing. We are not responsible for other peoples behaviors, but we sure get the brunt of it. We get the hurt and pain - and have to deal with the disappointment. I don't want it in my life either. Wouldn't it be nice if everything could just be how WE wanted it to be. That's my inner control freak coming out. However, today is a good day. Don't forget to stay thankful for everything we already have and have already accomplished. Peace and Love.
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Join Date: Jul 2014
Location: milwaukee wi
Posts: 3,574
This is so very true .. and you all have given me the ammo to stop my hubby in his tracks acouple of times... laid into him big time before he had a chance to in hale.. Ed is now 8 weeks out of a complete withdrawl... and his anger issues are just terrible.. but getting better. crossing my fingers as I write this....
last friday was a beautiful day.. done with work.. had emailed back and forth just before I left.. to come home get him and go have dinner out by the lake.. when he called and became verably abusive.. I drove in walked into the house and gave him both barrels. ful lforce... went up stairs with my tea and crackers and locked the Army bedroom door.. turned the tv on and let him scream for hours... Sat Morning I was making coffee and he came in wanting to get petty... Really you want this piece of to do what .. not on your life dummy not on your life.. you need to rethink your life . cause it is tearing up my heart again. and I went back up to the bedroom and locked the door.. funny how they don't remember what they have done to the family or those they want to be close to... well by Sunday he was breakfast at the door and lets talk. and I was dressed in jeans tennis shoes and heavy sweatshirt.. .. ekkekeekekekek his brain is not going to retrain easy.. so get out the whip and chair. and hold that bit of chicken high.. humor kids and beans humor that is all we have left some times. hugs and prayers ardy
last friday was a beautiful day.. done with work.. had emailed back and forth just before I left.. to come home get him and go have dinner out by the lake.. when he called and became verably abusive.. I drove in walked into the house and gave him both barrels. ful lforce... went up stairs with my tea and crackers and locked the Army bedroom door.. turned the tv on and let him scream for hours... Sat Morning I was making coffee and he came in wanting to get petty... Really you want this piece of to do what .. not on your life dummy not on your life.. you need to rethink your life . cause it is tearing up my heart again. and I went back up to the bedroom and locked the door.. funny how they don't remember what they have done to the family or those they want to be close to... well by Sunday he was breakfast at the door and lets talk. and I was dressed in jeans tennis shoes and heavy sweatshirt.. .. ekkekeekekekek his brain is not going to retrain easy.. so get out the whip and chair. and hold that bit of chicken high.. humor kids and beans humor that is all we have left some times. hugs and prayers ardy
Originally Posted by zoso77
What I'm about to present is probably a minority opinion, so take what you like and leave the rest.
One of the biggest lessons I learned in the aftermath of my breakup with my AXGF is we're under no obligation to put up with any behavior we don't like. From what you describe, your AH is not in recovery. From what you describe, his behavior is unacceptable. So ask yourself where it says that not only can he behave this way, you have no choice but to tolerate it.
When you two got married, the implicit agreement inherent in your vows was neither you or him would do anything to compromise the viability and vitality of the marriage. By choosing the path of addiction, he reneged on that implicit agreement. And because he did so, you are not bound to play by the set of rules he wants to dictate -- i.e., I'm going to do whatever I want to do, and if you don't like it, too f**cking bad.
You do not need permission from anyone to make decisions that are in your best interests. Never forget that.
One of the biggest lessons I learned in the aftermath of my breakup with my AXGF is we're under no obligation to put up with any behavior we don't like. From what you describe, your AH is not in recovery. From what you describe, his behavior is unacceptable. So ask yourself where it says that not only can he behave this way, you have no choice but to tolerate it.
When you two got married, the implicit agreement inherent in your vows was neither you or him would do anything to compromise the viability and vitality of the marriage. By choosing the path of addiction, he reneged on that implicit agreement. And because he did so, you are not bound to play by the set of rules he wants to dictate -- i.e., I'm going to do whatever I want to do, and if you don't like it, too f**cking bad.
You do not need permission from anyone to make decisions that are in your best interests. Never forget that.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2012
Posts: 1,618
Originally Posted by hopeful4
I am sorry. My first thought is that he is using something that is not showing on his UA's.
I would stay on your side of the street, keep doing all the things that you need to do to take good care of you and your children. Time will reveal more. And as Zoso said, you did not sign up for this BS.
Many hugs!
I would stay on your side of the street, keep doing all the things that you need to do to take good care of you and your children. Time will reveal more. And as Zoso said, you did not sign up for this BS.
Many hugs!
We were supposed to meet on thursday to give back some more of each others things, but he canceled, gave a bs reason and asked to reschedule for monday. I told him I think he needs more time than just till monday to sort things out, but he can drop off my stuff at anytime. I can bring his stuff to church on sunday if he wants.
The improvement is he actually cancelled instead of just not showing up.
He isnt doing well in recovery right now at all. He just isnt. This is so insane. Should I be grateful though that he is still going to treatment? Still passing his UAs? I dont know. His official story is that he DID relapse, but didnt use (possible but not probable) that we all intervened in time for him to realize and that he needs to pull out of it quick before all hell breaks loose and he ends up destroying his entire life and his chance at freedom.
I am so close to going no contact for my own sanity. So close.
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Passing urine analyses is not a surefire way of proving no drug use. A person can do drugs either 1) at a time prior to testing so that the substance had already left the system or has dissipated to an amount per milliliter that is below threshold, hence resulting in a "negative" finding or 2) at a dosage low enough that a "positive" finding is not triggered.
I cannot remember his DOC, but if it is heroin, that is the most difficult substance to detect as it leaves the system within 24 hours for the average body at the average dosage.
I cannot remember his DOC, but if it is heroin, that is the most difficult substance to detect as it leaves the system within 24 hours for the average body at the average dosage.
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Originally Posted by hopepraylove
This sounds like a good idea.
We are always here for you! XXX
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