daisy1963

My daughter has or had an addiction to pain pills. I don't believe she is using at the moment. I am raising my 2 grandchildren due to the problems she has had in the past. I quit letting her live with us almost 2 years ago due to the constant disrespect, cursing and compete disregard for any house rules I had.

I thought by kicking her out of the house she would see the light so to speak and try to help herself. She has not worked in almost 2 years, does not contribute one cent to her children's support and does not appear to do anything to help herself. She sleeps wherever she can find someone willing to let her stay. We have offered to give her rides to work if she would find a job etc. She needs to apply for Medicaid due to health problems and won't. She has outstanding legal problems that have not been addressed. Her ideal of addressing those problems is to ignore them.

I believe she is depressed but she won't take medication. I don't give her money anymore but do give her rides from time to time. It was cold tonight but when I offered to let her stay the night she refused said she would rather sleep outside.

She gets angry with me when I refuse to give her rides. It is never to where it is supposed to be, I always end up waiting on her and a 30 minute trip turns into 2 hrs of my time. I was told tonight that if her daughters ever needed anything that she would drop everything she was doing and give them a ride or give them her last fifty cents.

I have done nothing but give and give to her emotionally and financially since this addiction began when she was 18. I don't have the energy anymore for her drama.

By throwing her out of the house I thought I was doing the right thing. I thought she would get tired of almost living on the street and want to help herself She is very hurt and thinks I have betrayed her so there is a huge chip on her shoulder.

I don't want to be estranged from her like this but I can't live with her either. We can't be in the same room for over 30 minutes without arguing. It is never a pretty sight she can be very nasty when she wants to be.

I would appreciate any advice or words of wisdom.

cynical one

For your sake, please stop giving her rides. You're more than likely taking her to buy drugs. Drug deals often go bad. Drug dealers often get busted. You could easily end up dead or in jail.

A very good boundary is "I am not a taxi service". Period.

If she needs to be someplace she can take a taxi, Uber car, bus, bicycle, skateboard or pony. She's a big girl and can figure it out for herself.

Perhaps an appropriate adult relationship with her would be to meet her once a month at a diner for coffee. That way you're not doing the cut off, you can see that she is OK, tell her you love her, and then be on your way.

Ann

I agree with what CO said above. I too continued to try to help my son for years and years. Driving him was indeed drug stops, although I didn't know it at the time. When I bought him even basic groceries he would return them to the store or sell them for drugs.

The hard, sad, truth is, we cannot help them but we can be used to enable them to continue the life they chose.

Your daughter knows where real help is, detox and rehabs (the Salvation Army Rehab is free and a very good program), AA, NA, CA and any number of help meetings...when she is ready and has no where else to turn, she just very well may turn to one of these.

Meeting her some place neutral, for coffee or even to buy her a good meal, may be the way to stay in contact weekly.

For me, finding my own support group, CoDA and Al-anon were the groups I used, helped me find my balance again and helped me find support on those days when nobody else would understand. Maybe give meetings a try, they have helped so many of us here.

Keeping your daughter and you in my prayers.

Hugs

rahsue

I have a hard time with the word enabling. As a parent we will do what we have to in order for our children to have the ability to better themselves. Being at peace with your decisions on how you do that is all up to you. If you can't live with her then so be it. But you have to be ok with that decision to. In Your first sentence you said you don't think she is using at the moment.........yes, sounds like she certainly is. Don't take anything personal, its not your daughter who is angry its the disease thats angry because you won't give it what it needs. Do yourself a favor and research what resources are in your area that she could benefit from. print it out. when you have that coffee or lunch or whatever you choose to have with her. give it to her. tell her whenever shes ready you'll be there for support. For your own sanity, stay in the positive. when she gets angry, don't react on it. tell her you love her and always will. No matter what she tries to argue with you about, don't engage in the negative. let her scream or whatever and say nothing. Getting yourself peaceful again is a process too. good luck

PlasticInsanity

Kicking her out was the right thing to do - for the safety and sanity of your 2 grandchildren. They have the right not to be exposed to that kind of behaviour from their mother.

I know this isn't easy (recently my sister decided to leave her young daughter with my parents and go live with her druggie friends), but there's a saying we have in NA - detach with love. Loving someone from a distance is the best thing to do for you. Don't feel guilty - if she wants recovery, she'll put the same effort into getting it as she does into getting her drugs.

JustAnotherDay

This is so hard for me as well. I find myself battling my own self as to whether or not if what I'm doing is what would help them the most. But is that really why we are here? Are we supposed to make our lives uncomfortable or stressful, go out of our way to provide rides, meals or constant support?

Detaching with love is hard. I don't know if I am doing it right most of the time. I basically just don't argue and don't get pulled into the drama that is, my case, caused by alcohol. I just do what makes me feel best and at peace. "They" say they need support and love but how do you support and love someone who doesn't want the help yet? Who is so full of anger and resentment for themselves that they lash out on the people who are still standing by after years of broken promises and face down, black out, drinking binges on every holiday or special (to you) event. It's painful. Expectations hurt. I've learned that much I suppose. But hearing that addicts need love, compassion and understanding to get better shouldn't mean sacrificing yourself and own short life to helping them find sobriety. And what if they don't? Did you love them more than you loved yourself and your own life? Did you sacrifice all your hopes and dreams for the hope that someone would wake up one morning and decide to do it differently and then they never did? This is what I find so hard.

FeelingGreat

Hi daisy, if you kicked her out thinking she'd come to her senses, as you suggested, you've seen that it doesn't work.
However if her not living with you gives you and your GCs some peace and quiet, and makes your life more serene, then that's reason enough. With her attitude, having her live with you would very detrimental for your GCs and you have enough on your plate right now.
I suppose a fair measure would be how she reacts to your kindnesses. Like the lifts; she keeps you waiting, doesn't give the correct info and behaves like a selfish jerk. Why would you reward that by helping her a second time?
Hold her to normal standards of consideration and courtesy. Sure she's an addict, but addicts can adapt really quick when they want something.

AnvilheadII

I was told tonight that if her daughters ever needed anything that she would drop everything she was doing and give them a ride or give them her last fifty cents.

except like get a job and raise them herself..............?

pure manipulation. you have taken on the responsibility of caring for HER children because she will not.....i think that is enough.

crackingBozo

Don't be so hard on yourself Daisy...if anything, I think you have proven that "mother knows best." Your 2 grandkids need you the most, so far I think you've been doing what's best for them. At this point, only your daughter can help herself. She must be ready and willing to be helped... you can't do it for her.

Stay tough, you're doing a great job.