Yogagurl

I am sad that I ever had to see what I have seen, that I ever had to get involved with someone who could manipulate me so well. I am sad that the world has to deal with addiction at all. I wonder why I ever let my life get so wrapped up in someone who cared so little for anyone but themselves. I look back, going through my divorce, and question what lessons I have to learn from this and why God ever placed those lessons out for me. I am concerned about the judgement of others as to why I ever got so mixed up with someone who has such a bad track record. I wonder why I had so much compassion that it totally blind sided me into thinking there was change and hope in a human being that had total control over my mind and emotions. I feel the abuse today. And I wonder when sadness within me will finally go away for good.

hopepraylove

I'm sorry to hear you're feeling this way. I have days like this too...I just wanted to say you aren't alone, I hope you find some serenity today.

MsPINKAcres

gentle pink hugs ~

prayers that time & your recovery help heal your pain & sadness

zoso77

I wouldn't be worried about that.

My two closest friends were quite concerned about what was going on between my AXGF and myself for some time. It didn't change how they felt about me, even though they both wished I had made different choices when I had the opportunity to do so.

When we care about people, we tend to want to give them the benefit of the doubt. Based on that, what happened to you and I could happen to just about anyone. So don't be so hard on yourself on that front. You did what you did. And yes, you came out the other side of it pretty banged up. But at least you came out the other side.

MrSmith

I am so sorry that you are sad, I know how you feel, some days I feel sad because I was the addicted one. I sometimes wish that I could go back and do it all over again. I feel terrible for my wife for those times.

But today there is hope again, I am 37 days sober, and I can see the blur. And the clouds again.

I know that these feelings will pass for you in time, and please know that there are many people here who totally get it, and can relate both as a former user/drinker or as a family member.

jjj111

I was really determined to get something good out of by breakup with my last AXBF four years ago, which seemed like it was nothing but misery at the time. I've spent a lot of time since then thinking about how to identify red flags and committing myself to taking better care of myself and my boundaries in the future. I accept that I played a part in the dysfunction of the relationship by accepting bad behavior, but I feel optimistic that in the future I can protect myself better. Just my ESH. I can't change the past, but I can learn what I can and try to avoid repeating the lessons I've been given.

GardenMama

Sorry you are having a hard day. I had the opportunity to hear Patrick Kennedy speak this week and I have to say, his take on addiction and mental illness is powerful. Seeing addiction as a brain disorder, as doctors now do, has helped me immensely--not as an excuse for the terrible things that happened, but as a reason for me to not take my RAD's actions so personally, as if I somehow caused the problems. I am not sure if this kind of thinking will help you, but I thought it worth sharing. It is so similar to mental illness. And most of us love someone with some kind of mental illness at some point in our lives. It's helped me let go of judging myself and my role, especially. Peace to you! Hope you feel better tomorrow.

Falseclaimsact

Addiction is awful. Just the worst. I hope you have a better day tomorrow.

maia1234

YG-
I am sorry you are hurting today. It always could be worse. I wasted 34 years waiting for my addict to hit rock bottom. He never did, I walked (or ran)

One day at a time, is what they say. Hugs my friend this pain slowly fades!!

overit263

I've been feeling the exact same way this week. It will come and go, but there's a great article about grief, likening it to huge waves crashing. The waves are still huge but they start coming with more time between them. Hang in there - I promise it does get better, but it's up to us to make it better. Do nice things for yourself and do the things that make you happiest during these rotten times.

Vale

Grief is a human emotion. We are human.
It hurts. We want to make the hurt go away.

That is what the addict I cared about wanted------
to make the hurt of painful memories go away. She
found a way to do it. Yes, the hurt went away-----
at the cost of a thermonuclear-class horrific decision
that blew apart her home, family, marriage, and future.

We can chose to feel what we feel, authentically.
Or we can choose to hide from that which cannot be
hidden from.

I'm ok with grief. My pain is part of who I am.
I like who I am. Can I honestly say I'd have bypassed
this whole addictive nightmare if given the chance?

Probably. But life does not allow the option of knowledge
of how events will unfold.

Some of those events will cause us to grieve. So be it.
We are authentically human.......and it sure as hell
beats the alternative.

Fate2012

It's so hard at times dealing with an AEH. It seems like it's been a hard week for alot of people. We will get through this.
We all deserve better.

Hugs!

hopeful4

Lots of hugs YG!!!!

lightseeker

Yogagurl, I'm sorry that you are feeling sad and hope that today has been better. I left my ex 4 1/2 years ago and there are still times that I feel really sad. Sad for what I went through, sad that it did not work out, sad that I have to deal with the repercussions of the whole thing.

There are times that I think about the judgments of others - how could I have put myself and my sons through everything we went through. But....from recovery I know that other people's opinions of me are not my business. I've realized that really what I'm doing is externalizing and projecting my own feelings of self judgment onto other people.

One thing that helps me to deal with the sadness is focus on the amends that I want and need to make......I cannot change the past but I can focus on today.

As time goes on, most people end up making mistakes that they regret too. I know that as they do the "next right thing" that I actually respect them and certainly do not dwell on what they have done. Maybe others do that for me too.

You are not alone - little do we know the repercussions of loving someone with drug addiction. My addiction to him has turned out to be way more toxic than his drug addiction. From what I understand, he is not sober but is in a relationship that appears to work and has become very successful. I've decided that he is bullet proof - ha ha!

Anyway - I do hope that you are feeling better. I am in NC too so from one Carolina girl to another - hang tight! Better days are ahead for both of us.