OT: Personal Stuff
 

After nearly 4 weeks of physical therapy, I've nearly regained all of my range of motion in my surgically repaired arm. And a good chunk of that 4 weeks has also been spent regaining my guitar chops. It's been slow going on that front, but I can hear me improve a little bit each time I pick up the instrument.

On the emotional front, however, not everything's been well.

When my mother passed two days after my surgery, we waited two weeks for the wake and funeral because one of my brothers was out of the country on vacation. It was, without question, the longest two weeks of my adult life. Being in a right angle cast, not being able to drive and live my normal day-to-day life wasn't exactly easy. Playing Grand Theft Auto V helped break the tedium, but it wasn't exactly nourishing for the soul -- there's only so many times you can blow stuff up and have it be funny.

What I didn't expect, however, was my reaction to a photo album that my sister-in-law threw together for the wake. The last photo in the album was a picture of my parents from when they were dating, from way back in the day. He was handsome, she was a complete, total knockout, and both of them were beaming. She was probably thinking she had a long life ahead with him. Sadly, that wasn't to be: he died when I was 10. He was only 53, she was 52. And I didn't fully appreciate how completely, totally unfair that was for her until I saw that photo of the two of them. Mom got porked. I don't know she got through it. I suppose she felt she didn't have a choice because she had me.

There's no guarantees about anything in this life, except that it will end. Mom's passing has made me become more aware of that clock and how fleeting our time is, and it's made me reevaluate what's truly important to me. After the experiences with my AXGF and her predecessor, I remain deeply skeptical about the viability and longevity of romantic love. On the other hand, I don't know how much longer I can deny myself the opportunity to prove myself wrong. It's been nearly 4 years since my AXGF did what she did. But while I no longer personalize it because she's both an addict and a Borderline, I can't deny that she left a mark. So it raises a somewhat existential question: do I want to die alone? Or do I put myself out there?

On the professional front, I'm looking to move into a different part of the business, specifically the systems engineering side. Three positions opened up in that directorate. They received 18 resumes and interviewed only 5 people. I was one of the 5. I'll find out next week if I get one of the spots. It would be a promotion and a raise, but more importantly, it would be a challenge, and my brain needs that at this point. There's only so many times I can calculate the electromagnetic coupling to system cables due to an EMP event and get excited about it. Time is fleeting.

Mostly, though, I feel a lot older than 46. Not in the physical sense; I look about 10-12 years younger than that these days. My soul feels older than 46. I'm emotionally tired. The fact that Autumn has come to New England does not help my mood. I like two seasons: Spring, and Summer. Autumn's the harbinger of Winter, and I loathe Winter.

On the plus side, my friends have been wonderful these past several months. I've always believed you find out who your friends are when the sh!t hits the fan, and in my case, I'm blessed because my friends stepped up during my convalescence and during my mourning.

Anyways...just sharing...

Zoso, I'm sorry to hear about your mother's passing, especially in those circumstances, and having to wait for the funeral. I think funerals are important for grieving properly, as well as the social element of bringing family and friends together.

If you do want to dip your toe back into the dating scene, are you confident you won't choose another disturbed person? In other words are you attracted to the dangerous?

Happy to hear your recovery from surgery is on track.

Very sorry to hear about your loss. The passing of a loved one can certainly open up the heart and mind to a multitude of new or long dormant thoughts. If you do decide to venture into the dating scene I hope the insights you share here will help you navigate through it smoothly.

best of luck on the job interview!

Wishing you all the best as always Zoso - we all deserve a little happiness :)

D

Remember the feeling that you describe regarding the photo of your mom and dad - search for that feeling for your own life. Anything less will leave you wanting. What a beautiful thought you shared. thank you

Happy to hear that you are doing well with the arm and searching out what will keep your mind dancing.

Hugs zoso :grouphug:
Joie

Hello Zoso,

Your wisdom and truth shines in your posts. I am confident you are ready to date. As to opening fully to the right person, as you've learned the hard way, you can give that heart process some brain security software to check for addiction and mental illness.

As for feeling emotionally older than your age, I think there's a fairly large group of people who feel that way. Gen X stepped off the cliff right from the moment our moms went to work and divorce got to be common. We have been adapting since elementary school to insecurity and it just keeps coming. You will find kindred spirits. You may even find some old soul in a Millenial if you pick carefully.

I hope you find a kind and sweet soul happy to sit and listen to you play guitar on a Sunday morning.

Yeah, pretty confident. One of the unexpected benefits of dealing with an addict/Borderline is you learn how to recognize someone who's crackers fairly quickly. My tolerance for crackers is pretty much nil these days.

It's a different generation today. There wasn't any pressure on my mother to be anything but a housewife while my father was still alive. That paradigm has changed over the past 60+ years, and I'm not sure if it's for the better. My parents had a value system that you seldom see with my generation or with millennials. My parents were devoted to each other. When my father passed, my mother had no interest in seeing other men because she believed none of them measured up to my father. How often do you see that today?

One of the reason's why I'm cynical about romantic love is it can be there one minute, and the next minute it's gone. I've been on the receiving end of that, and the resulting grief led me into a debacle with my AXGF...

This is where I would look at my thinking.

I don't think fear of being along or dying alone is ever a reason for getting into or being in a relationship. It's not about the dying...it's all about the living and wanting (not needing) to share the moments and memories. I think one of the, if not the biggest goals of our recoveries is allowing ourselves to be vulnerable again. To let those walls we've built up to come down, and open ourselves up and allow others in. And, knowing we now have the wisdom to be able to discern who and what is healthy.

Is telecommuting an option in your line of work? Spring, summer, and early autumn in New England, late autumn and winter in Florida or an island. Is there a possibility you have a touch of SAD? For me, after only a few weeks of everything being brown and gray and cold, it's time for me to follow the birds south for the winter.

You make a valid point. Just so I'm clear, I don't want to be in a relationship just so I won't die alone because that's the wrong reason to be in a relationship. To your larger point, though -- allowing myself to be vulnerable and allowing my walls to come down -- I have a hard time doing that in a romantic context. With those closest to me, that's never been an issue. But in a romantic context, my walls are quite high.

Not if I want to be in the hunt. And I do. I want to continue to grow professionally and get more opportunities for leadership. The only way I'll get those is to stay in New England. Dealing with winter is the price I pay for having ambition.

thank you for sharing such personal thoughts, even the sad ones. you know how to keep it real and that is a real gift. wishing you the best in all things, in their time.

Dear Zoso
I was 46 when my mother died too. My dad had passed 5 years before that.
I don't mean to sound mystical or spooky, but I understand them in new ways that probably would have been impossible had they lived. Maybe getting older and receiving my own wounds lets me cut them some slack for things I used to resent in them?

I sympathize with you for these latest events in your life, but am totally confident that you will get through all this with aplomb. I wouldn't be at all surprised if your engineer training helps you moderate emotions much better than a hyper artist type like me.

Hang in there!!!

Zoso,

I am so sorry for your hurt. I cannot even imagine it. On a happy front, what an honor to be chosen to interview. I completely understand the bone weary feeling of being older than you are. I was there for a while. I can only say for myself that it did get better. Things improved. Hurts we a bit less each day in what I was going through, although it pales in comparison.

We are here for you my friend.

XXX

Zoso, I am sorry for the loss of your mother. May her memory warm your heart forever.

Something I learned this past year, life is precious and each day we have is a blessing. I hope life brings you many blessings, Zoso, and happier wonderful days ahead.

Hugs

Zoso wrote:

Not if I want to be in the hunt

============================================
You made my day with that one. Reading about your parents,
I can see where it comes from.

Romantic love? What a crock. I found a lady 38 years ago
that seemed semi-willing to put up with my crap. Our most
used line on each other is "well I guess you're not my soulmate
then!" ........usually when one of us is too damned lazy to get up
and fetch the remote for the other.

Pure extortion. Nothing more. Sometimes it works,
sometimes you just have to fetch it yourself.

I'm so sorry that you lost your mother, that has to be difficult. .
I feel the same way. I haven't begun to date either. Everyone tries to tell me I need to get out there, but I am definitely cynical. I don't ever want to make the same mistake, but being excited about someone new would be a welcomed change. I still tend to think about how disappointing it will end up though and just work instead.

wishing you peace & comfort during this time of grief

For me, in recovery I focused on me ~ on being a healthier me, on listening to my HP's guidance, on asking my HP to change my attraction from unhealthy to healthy - I wanted something different, so I did something different. I learned as you have to be content in me & my circumstances regardless of chaos in the world.

I don't post often but I read a lot - you have grown, you have healed, you are different, healthier & wiser. . .

If you choose to enter the "dating" world, you have the tools to make better choices in your life or you have the choice to remain single - either way - you have the key that is inner peace. Nothing can take that from you ~

Wishing you your HP's very best for you!

pink hugs!

Good to hear your arm is healing. Fingers crossed for the job you are hoping for.

I'm sorry to read of your loss.

The untimely passing of your father at such a young age is akin to me losing my mother when she was 53 A big difference in our situations is that I was already almost 30 and married, but the similarity is that we both learned how fleeting life can be.

I can't offer to much advise about dating as I've been with the same woman for almost 35 years. What I will opine is that dating per se isn't good or bad, but has to do with the person you chose to be in a relationship with. Whatever route you choose I wish you happiness.

Ha.

You know, there is a big, big part of me the cherishes my independence. If I, for example, want to watch The Avengers while playing guitar in my living room, I can and usually do.

I don't believe in fairlytale romantic love. Ultimately, what I would want one of these days is someone who respects me and stands by me when I need her to. And vice versa.