Gf of ex-user
 

Hi

I was encouraged by someone on another thread to post here. I have been dating this guy for a bit more than a year. I love him very very much. I found out that he was a user like 8 months into our relationship, and that he had lief to my face so many many times... it took about two months of arguing and trying before he went to re-hab... well actually he got a fright and went to re-hab. I cannot remember if i ever shared this on the other thread, but he got incredibly drunk and high one night. At the same time. He phoned me to come and get him (it was my birthday actually) i went and i knew that he was high and wasted the moment i saw him. As we drove away i said i was taking him to the police station. He got mad and screamed At me and grabbed the steering wheel, driving the car into incomming traffic. No one got seriously hurt. Just the car. Anyway, after that his parents found out and he said then that "he wants to go to rehab". I supported him all the way. He has been home for a few months now. Has a job. Functioning. However, before he went to rehab (when he was using and i didnt know it) he used to be very Very moody and manipulative, to the point where he made me feel guilty about absolutely everything. He was checking my phone everyday to see if i was cheating, would tell me that i have "Abandoned" him on days that i gave him lunch money for work instead of driving to his work at lunch time to take him food. I am busy doing my honours and working (engineer) at the same time so i cannot drive to his work to take him food everyday.. anyways... stuff like that... drop him off to play cricket three times a week but only stay for two of the games (2 days of the three days i drop him off) because i have to go to work... silly things... but somehow he makes me feel like crap about them
.... anyways... the manipulative behavior was gone for about a month after rehab... now its back... with a vengeance.... not sure if it might have something to do with drugs?

He used cocaine and cat in the past as far as i know. I am not sure if he is clean... if i ask him about it he says something in the line of " it's been four months you should get over it and trust me i am not going to pay for past mistakes for the rest of my life..."
..

Tonight he went out with one of the friends he Used to use with. To a bar they used to use at. But he claims the guy is clean.

Am i wrong for having this creepy feeling? I am trying to trust him but its hard...

Also, does anyone have some advice with regards to his behavior? Other than to run away?

You've been "dating" this person for a little over a year and look at all that's been discovered. He lied to you for 8 months, he's admitted he's an addict, he manipulates you and you feel hes using again and manipulating you again and most of all he makes you feel bad about yourself.......

So what are you sticking around for?

why are you taking him a lunch and driving him to cricket? are you his MOM or a girlfriend?

he's still a USER, if not the drugs again, than most certainly he is using YOU. at no time has your relationship been on an even keel, nor was there a give AND take.....just you giving, and him taking.....

maybe take a deep breath and ask what YOU are getting out of this???

Always always always trust your gut.

What is it telling you?

Did you intend to type "crack" not "cat"?

This person is trouble. If he is using crack, run. You do not want to waste anymore time. It does not sound as is he is ready to find a new life. Recovery does not include people he used with - you need to think of yourself.

...
 

The only answer i have for you guys is that i really love him. It seems weird i know. But thats the only reason that i have held on for so long.

As far as i know he used coke and cat before. But that is all i know of. There might be more.

I dont mind occasionally doing things like that. But he seems to take it for granted and freaks out the moment i dont. As if its my job to do those things. He is turning 25 btw.

I dont know why. No proof no nothing. But something isnt right. I am more suspicious now than i was a week ago. Just have a feeling something is wrong.

Perhaps i am just going crazy 😯

Blue,

"Just have a feeling something is wrong." Methinks you are correct.

"Perhaps i am just going crazy ��" I don't think so.

Based only on your description of BF's known "behavior when using" behavior..........I think he is using again.

I would be pulling way back from this relationship.

Jim

Cat = Khat, natural drug containing plant - chewed. Now lab produced - cheap substitute for methamphetamine.

When I was with an abusive partner (and yours is abusive, by the way) I had a lady ask me why I felt I deserved to be treated that way. That was a really good question. You might want to ask yourself the same thing.

Take the use of drugs out of it. Is his behavior acceptable or not?

I'm sorry you're allowing yourself to be abused, he sounds like a >King Baby< who needs to be broomed to the curb.

But thats the only reason that i have held on for so long.

Blue, a relationship of a little more than a YEAR's time is not THAT LONG. and for over HALF that time he lied to you about who he was...and the rest of the time has treated you like a servant.

where's the love, babe? ain't seeing it...........

Blue,

I don't think we've had the pleasure of meeting since you joined us this spring.

I've been here nearly 4 years. What I can tell you based on my time here and my own experiences is if something feels "creepy", it's usually a good idea to pay attention to that feeling.

What I can also tell you is whether you're aware of this or not, you're under no obligation to put up with anything that compromises your own well being and/or your own morals and values. If your ABF wants to compromise himself by using drugs, he's free to do so...so long as you don't pay a price for his choices. As for morals and values, they are dormant in someone in active addiction. Hence the manipulative behavior you've seen and been on the receiving end of.

At the end of the day, Blue, all you have do to is ask yourself a simple question: is this the sort of life you want to live? If you can answer that honestly, then you have a path forward. Are you ready to take that path?

Keep us posted.

...
 

Hi

Its not the way i want to live no... but something inside me keeps hoping that things will change...not overnight no... but eventually...

A weird thing that he msged me last night, because i was concerned about him being at that place with that guy. ... he said "i would rather die than ever go back..."... Truth or just him trying to keep me from asking again?

Didn't see him last night. He went to his house after they went out. will see him tonight. Planning on insisting on a test...

Anyone who takes their program seriously (and understands the damage their addiction has caused) would not tell you to "get over it" essentially. Four months is not long at all. He should not expect for you to trust him.

Trust takes time, what has he done to earn back your trust? Have you noticed an improvement in his behavior and attitude?

My advice to you (because you have asked) would be for you to consider going to al anon or nar anon and taking care of yourself...learn everything you can about addiction and taking care of yourself.

Hoping for and sending you peace.

I don't think you're going crazy...the gut knows before anything else. Always, always trust your gut.

I wasted many precious moments I can never get back second guessing if my BF was using, arguing over drug tests I didn't need to see to know the truth, then arguing over if it was a pass/fail...you get the idea.

Rehab was followed by chronic binging every 2-3 months (3 x), then stretched to almost 5 months, etc...more precious time wasted fighting over the relapse signs, the relapse, etc.

His DOC is coke, crack & oxy's.
I've found that the relapses were long preceeded by a lot of behaviours that were really reminiscent of the active addiction phase.

Do you want this for yourself? If he's going to relapse he is, all you can do really is focus on what your line in the sand is.

When you love someone, you love the person as they are, and not as you’d like them to be.

Never fall in love with someone’s potential – that’s fairytale stuff, there are no happy endings with an addict.

Well, sure. Every single one of us here has hoped that in one form or another. The problem is the addict seldom changes. Is there a chance he could change? Of course. But again, what sort of price are you willing to pay until he does?