hopepraylove

Feeling depressed today.

My Addict ex-Bf and I have had very limited contact the last 2 months. Today he messaged me to tell me that he needed "space" and can not speak to me at all right now because I am "haunting his dreams" and he doesn't know if it's "healthy for him" to have any contact.

This makes me sad, it's nice to hear from him. I love him still, we definitely didn't break up over lack-of-love, I just came to a realization that I couldn't compete against his addiction. He has been sober for 2 months on Thursday.

The LC has been nice, he seems to be doing really well & I'm grateful for it. I'm sorry to hear that he needs NC.

Just needed to vent.

Hawkeye13

I'm sure it hurts for him to cut you off from contact-- I want to suggest some other possible "readings" of what he is saying here.

Hopefully, it is just what he says on the surface--he is working and healing and using the time to do the hard work real recovery is.

Unfortunately, sometimes the addict breaking off contact in the early recovery can also signal a relapse--already begun or contemplated and he doesn't want to deal with the fallout of admitting it or keeping up a front.

Reading three might be that he is trying to manipulate you into wanting / seeking more contact with him so he can get back into your life even though he may not really be in recovery. Forcing your hand in a way.

The last possible reading might be he's met someone there and doesn't want to tell you about it. Addicts often don't do well alone, and are not known for their honest forthrightness in uncomfortable situations.

The most important thing is to keep the focus on yourself and keep seeking your own healing whatever he does--which you seem to be doing really well with.

I don't want to upset you by suggesting any of the latter ideas are true--I really do hope he is just honestly working his recovery--but the "I need space" thing is sometimes more than it seems on the surface.

teatreeoil007

HPL-
I think I understand how you feel...I really do...It is tough to take things on someone else's terms...It a jagged little pills to swallow metaphorically speaking...

Perhaps we've all been there and done that; felt like we had little say in matters regarding staying in contact, staying in touch, etc, etc.

I remember one time; it's been almost 3 years ago now ... I was going through a real difficult, stressful time and I won't go into details here... but I needed my friend...(I thought he WAS my friend)...but he wasn't really FEELING like a friend to me...in my crying out in my need I said some things I was ashamed of later ... BUT it was MAINLY just PURE FRUSTRATION ... and it was coming out all ugly ... thinking back on that time ... I still feel ashamed about it ... and to tell you the truth ... I don't believe he has ever truly forgiven me ..

Long story short: He cut me off. And of course I accepted it because, well, I had no CHOICE. And to boot: he was RELIEVED that he cut me off ... I am not sure what hurt the most, being cut off or him being so relieved to be "done" with me. I feel as though I lost a friend that day. My heart sunk...and then my heart ached...but what could I do? I had to pick up the pieces and go on ...he was free of me to pursue his ego fulfillment and make his never ending "rounds" ... while I was set aside like a piece of discarded trash... that is how it felt to me ...

You know, I know that I'm not perfect. Sometimes I am too emotional and too outspoken. But he is not perfect either. We both have issues. But I've never cut him off or established any kind of limited contact or no contact. One of the worst things you can do to a person who cares, who is in pain, who is really struggling, what have you; is cut them off at a crucial time.

We've been able to talk some about our friendship and clear up a few misunderstandings, but I know the reality is that his needs, his schedule, his 'work', his issues and his addictions will always come first. He is not addicted to a chemical substance. But he is addicted to other things and he is a narcissist.

He is gone now. He moved far far away. I believe that is his choice and he made it very clear that he loves where he moved to and he couldn't WAIT to tell me that he was going away for a very long, long time. He almost said it with glee. So, once again, he has effectively cut himself off....by moving someplace in which he will never see me again.

So, I know what it's like to have no 'say' in 'contact'.

hopepraylove

Thank you everyone for the responses and support today. It's been a rough day and I know it will be an adjustment.

What ultimately made him come to this conclusion was that he wants to reconcile and work things out. In short, he wants me to forgive him, take him back, and continue our relationship. (If only it were that easy)

He specifically said to me today "I want a partner. I want someone who will stand by me on this journey."
To which I replied, "I have already tried that three times. I'm sorry, but I can't consider reconciliation at this point in time."

It hurts, but I do believe it is what is best for me (and him) right now...He has 60 days sober on Thursday, I don't know what the future holds, but I know I can be there for him like I have been in the past while he deals with the early stages of getting sober...not to sound cliche, but I really lost myself after his last relapse. I thought I was never going to be happy again, and although I have sad days...I do think I'm healthier now than I have been in a long while.

Hugs.

hopepraylove

Thank you for the suggestions. I hope that he is saying this to focus solely on his program...I mentioned below that he has been asking for us to "get back together" the last two months, which I have turned down multiple times...Today he concluded the conversation simply by saying "I want a partner who will stand by me during this."

The disappointing thing is...I was that partner. For a long time & through several very awful relapses...He has almost 60 days clean now, but his relapse mark has always been around 3 months-4 months. It appears his problem is staying sober long-term. I honestly don't see myself seriously considering reconciliation until he has more time.

teatreeoil007

So, he wants to get back together, reconcile, continue your relationship, while at the same time giving you a 'no contact' stipulation? Isn't that a bit of a contradiction? From what you have posted, he is cutting you off right now. Yet you say he wants to reconcile and you have turned him down numerous times...seems a bit confusing. I hope you get it straightened out within yourself, regardless of what he does.

Be well.

hopepraylove

Not sure what is confusing? The no contact is being implemented by him as a result of me refusing to immediately reconcile. Essentially for him, it's "all or nothing," apparently.

teatreeoil007

You are assuming and concluding why he established "no contact". What makes you think he wants to reconcile, when he has told you no contact. It's a contradiction.

I hope you get it straightened out within yourself...

Be Well.

teatreeoil007

It sounds like this is hard for you right now and you feel depressed and you still love him, but by all indications it sounds like he has already moved on with his life. Maybe he started to move on a while ago and it is just now sinking in for you. It sounds like you want him out of your life for good, he is such a rotten person, afterall. So, be glad. Now you can work on your own issues without him. You don't need to worry about him, wonder about him, think about him or anything. You are free, so set yourself free. You've got this. You can win.

Be well.

hopepraylove

Because the "no contact" was a RESULT of a conversation we had in regard to getting back together. He specifically said "if we can't get back together right now, I can't continue to talk to you as 'your friend, it is too difficult for me.'"

teatreeoil007

Well then, if what you say is true, I would think you would feel nothing but relief! You don't want to reconcile. He wants no contact. What about that isn't working for you? You should be celebrating your victory. I wish you the best.

Be Well

Wishful04

If he is set on no contact for whatever reason & since you won't immediately ( & IMHO, understandably) resume the same relationship dynamic as prior to the latest foray into early recovery then it could be a blessing in disguise (even if it doesn't feel like it now) as it will leave you both time to do your own individual healing.

It can be tough to align heart & head immediately if we weren't prepared for a certain boundary. Wishing you peace of mind & be gentle with yourself while adjusting to this new one.

teatreeoil007

Absolutely agree. Well said.

Hawkeye13

Yes--very hard to process but maybe best in the long run.

I believe he may have been trying to reel you back in by issuing a kind of ultimatum in saying this--what do you think hpl?

Wishing you peace today

hopepraylove

yeah, my sponsor suggested that it may be a manipulation tactic. I honestly don't know, it may be sincere. Perhaps he wants to fully "heal" and try to move forward if I am not resuming the relationship immediately, perhaps the only way he can achieve that is through NC.

Or, perhaps he is trying to pressure me into taking him back so soon. Either way, the only thing I can control is myself and at this point, with only two months sober (and a lot of the same behavior--including ultimatums--still in play) I know that I'm not ready to jump back in

teatreeoil007

It sounds like you've got a pretty good handle on things. Stay strong. Even though he has issued a no contact, he likely still loves you or he wouldn't have tried to back together with you. It can hurt. It can feel cold. But you probably will work through it alright. Don't lose sight of what is important for your well being. And, hopefully he will get healthy again.

Hawkeye13

Actually, I think this man has a very long road ahead and you sound pretty battle-scarred.

You have zero obligation to put your life on hold while he gets it together.
Given his verbal manipulations and the fact that he is not taking care of himself
beyond not using, etc. (i.e. living with his mother) his recovery is pretty formative.

I think you get what I'm saying here--maybe take a big step back and accept the NC fully and get on with your life.

See where you both are in a year or so if so inclined--when the recovery will have some substance to it, or not.

Best to you in what sounded like a rough ride the past few years. . .

atalose

Sometimes our higher power does for us what we are unable to do for ourselves.

That hirer power removes someone from our life for our protection. Think about that before you think about ever running after them.