Should I take my daughter to Ala-teen
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2015
Location: Canada
Posts: 10
Should I take my daughter to Ala-teen
Hello, I'm new here. I am hoping that some members of Ala-non/ala-teen can help.
I have been a binge drinker for the last few years after stopping for about 10 years (one drink leads to many and can't stop til I'm wasted). I don't drink in front of my daughter as a rule but have had a few slips and she has seen me drunk a couple of times in the past year. This has affected her so badly that she now has anxiety everyday and she is always worrying it will happen again. It breaks my heart that I have done this to her. I have quit drinking now all together and have avoided the "I promise not to ever do it again" because I have broken that promise before and don't want to do that again. I feel like I can keep that promise now but I still won't say it!
She is a mature 11 year old and there is an alanon/alateen meeting here in our small community tonight. She is willing to go and I am wondering if I should take her. Do I stay with her there, how does this work for a child of this age ? I have taken her to counselling but I really don't think it has done much at this point. Thank you so much to anyone who can respond. It is truly appreciated
I have been a binge drinker for the last few years after stopping for about 10 years (one drink leads to many and can't stop til I'm wasted). I don't drink in front of my daughter as a rule but have had a few slips and she has seen me drunk a couple of times in the past year. This has affected her so badly that she now has anxiety everyday and she is always worrying it will happen again. It breaks my heart that I have done this to her. I have quit drinking now all together and have avoided the "I promise not to ever do it again" because I have broken that promise before and don't want to do that again. I feel like I can keep that promise now but I still won't say it!
She is a mature 11 year old and there is an alanon/alateen meeting here in our small community tonight. She is willing to go and I am wondering if I should take her. Do I stay with her there, how does this work for a child of this age ? I have taken her to counselling but I really don't think it has done much at this point. Thank you so much to anyone who can respond. It is truly appreciated
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Join Date: Apr 2013
Posts: 1,405
If she is willing to go, I would take her. Many times it's easier to talk to or listen to other kids than adults. And, she may be more open to talking about what she is feeling and what is making her so anxious.
And, no you don't stay in the room with her, but assure her that you will be at X spot (sitting on this bench, in this room, on these stairs) something that is a landmark where you will be, and be sure to be in that exact spot the entire time. If she were to get scared or upset, you need to be where you said you would be if she needs to find you before the meeting is over.
If she wants to keep going back, sometimes there are co-occurring AA meetings in the same building at the same time that you could take advantage of.
And, no you don't stay in the room with her, but assure her that you will be at X spot (sitting on this bench, in this room, on these stairs) something that is a landmark where you will be, and be sure to be in that exact spot the entire time. If she were to get scared or upset, you need to be where you said you would be if she needs to find you before the meeting is over.
If she wants to keep going back, sometimes there are co-occurring AA meetings in the same building at the same time that you could take advantage of.
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Join Date: Jul 2015
Location: Wilmington, DE
Posts: 393
Lily,
Like Cynicalone said - I would take her if she wants to go - if nothing else, she will learn that there are other kids who are going through the same things as she is / was.
Alateen and Narateen vet their adults very well, and have many policies which protect the kids, a single adult is never alone with a child, etc. ---- your daughter will be safe at the meetings.
I think you should hang out near the meeting at least for the first few times she goes just in case she really gets upset and "needs" to leave before the meeting is over. I would suggest telling her you will be in your car or at least outside of the building - if you tell her you will be inside of the building she may feel like you may be eavesdropping from the hallway.
Jim
Like Cynicalone said - I would take her if she wants to go - if nothing else, she will learn that there are other kids who are going through the same things as she is / was.
Alateen and Narateen vet their adults very well, and have many policies which protect the kids, a single adult is never alone with a child, etc. ---- your daughter will be safe at the meetings.
I think you should hang out near the meeting at least for the first few times she goes just in case she really gets upset and "needs" to leave before the meeting is over. I would suggest telling her you will be in your car or at least outside of the building - if you tell her you will be inside of the building she may feel like you may be eavesdropping from the hallway.
Jim
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Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Iowa
Posts: 3,050
The Alateen meeting will have adult sponsors (Alanon members in Alateen service, AMIAS for short) who have been through special training, a state police background check and have a minimum of 3 years in Alanon.
The Alateens are in charge of their own meetings, they're led by kids from the group using Alateen literature. They "pass the hat" like AA and Alanon meetings, so give her a dollar or so to put in.
I wish one of my parents had the self-awareness to take me to Alateen when I was that age.
The Alateens are in charge of their own meetings, they're led by kids from the group using Alateen literature. They "pass the hat" like AA and Alanon meetings, so give her a dollar or so to put in.
I wish one of my parents had the self-awareness to take me to Alateen when I was that age.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2015
Location: Canada
Posts: 10
Thanks Ladyscribbler! I will give her some money too. We are in a very small community so I am wondering if it will be a mixed group with alanon. Either way I hope it is a positive experience for her. I grew up with an alcoholic father and unlike her I just thought he was funny and fun and then followed his path 
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Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: US
Posts: 5,095
Originally Posted by LilyCabo 
Hello, I'm new here. I am hoping that some members of Ala-non/ala-teen can help.
I have been a binge drinker for the last few years after stopping for about 10 years (one drink leads to many and can't stop til I'm wasted). I don't drink in front of my daughter as a rule but have had a few slips and she has seen me drunk a couple of times in the past year. This has affected her so badly that she now has anxiety everyday and she is always worrying it will happen again. It breaks my heart that I have done this to her. I have quit drinking now all together and have avoided the "I promise not to ever do it again" because I have broken that promise before and don't want to do that again. I feel like I can keep that promise now but I still won't say it!
She is a mature 11 year old and there is an alanon/alateen meeting here in our small community tonight. She is willing to go and I am wondering if I should take her. Do I stay with her there, how does this work for a child of this age ? I have taken her to counselling but I really don't think it has done much at this point. Thank you so much to anyone who can respond. It is truly appreciated
I have been a binge drinker for the last few years after stopping for about 10 years (one drink leads to many and can't stop til I'm wasted). I don't drink in front of my daughter as a rule but have had a few slips and she has seen me drunk a couple of times in the past year. This has affected her so badly that she now has anxiety everyday and she is always worrying it will happen again. It breaks my heart that I have done this to her. I have quit drinking now all together and have avoided the "I promise not to ever do it again" because I have broken that promise before and don't want to do that again. I feel like I can keep that promise now but I still won't say it!
She is a mature 11 year old and there is an alanon/alateen meeting here in our small community tonight. She is willing to go and I am wondering if I should take her. Do I stay with her there, how does this work for a child of this age ? I have taken her to counselling but I really don't think it has done much at this point. Thank you so much to anyone who can respond. It is truly appreciated
I'm an alcoholic in recovery too. I have a 14 year old daughter and she started attending alateen at her school when she was 11. She doesn't go as much as she used to but she got a lot out of it. She sometimes goes to the meeting at the Methodist church too. She goes by herself. If I were there she probably wouldn't be able to open up...and that's so important. And I never ask her about it. Ever.
Since your daughter has anxiety please consider therapy as well. That could really be helpful. And again, I wouldn't stay in the room. Just my two cents. Good luck.
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Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 2,684
My prayers also for you and your daughter. Good luck 
In the past, I had gone to NarAnon meetings in the same building and at the same time as my then teenage son attended NA.
I was glad to have had the opportunity to do so.
In the past, I had gone to NarAnon meetings in the same building and at the same time as my then teenage son attended NA.
I was glad to have had the opportunity to do so.
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Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 793
LilyCabo, I hope she was able to attend her first Alateen meeting and that she felt welcomed and supported. When my oldest daughter overdosed on heroin, this was one thing I insisted my younger daughter try to attend a few times. It was a hugely important part of her development and understanding about addiction. I cannot recommend it more! She ended up being a speaker at an Al-Anon banquet just two years later. She doesn't attend regularly anymore, but speaks fondly of it and knows she is always welcome to return.
Kudos to you for encouraging her to go and being honest with her about your struggle with addiction--that takes great courage and humility. Best wishes for your continued sobriety. Peace!
Kudos to you for encouraging her to go and being honest with her about your struggle with addiction--that takes great courage and humility. Best wishes for your continued sobriety. Peace!
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Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
Yes...take her!!!!
You may also look into Celebrate Recovery, the Landing is for kids. For the bigger places this is offered, and it is a WONDERFUL program!
I am glad you see what is happening. I hope and pray you never drink again. I have a 9, almost 10 year old DD. Her dad, whom I am now divorced, thought she never had any idea what was going on. His drinking changed her as a person. Created anxiety and all sorts of problems. She is in counseling now, which is a great thing. I don't say this to guilt you, but to commend you for changing your behavior. Please, please, stay sober for yourself first, and for your daughter second.
Let us know how it goes at the meeting!
You may also look into Celebrate Recovery, the Landing is for kids. For the bigger places this is offered, and it is a WONDERFUL program!
I am glad you see what is happening. I hope and pray you never drink again. I have a 9, almost 10 year old DD. Her dad, whom I am now divorced, thought she never had any idea what was going on. His drinking changed her as a person. Created anxiety and all sorts of problems. She is in counseling now, which is a great thing. I don't say this to guilt you, but to commend you for changing your behavior. Please, please, stay sober for yourself first, and for your daughter second.
Let us know how it goes at the meeting!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2015
Location: Canada
Posts: 10
Good morning, by the time 8pm rolled around last night she was so tired from a full day of school and after school sports that she didn't want to go I did end up having a conversation with the woman whom runs the alanon meeting here though. Unfortunately she said there is no alateen here. She did however say that she is welcome to come and it is mostly ladies who meet weekly. I am trying so hard not to fall into a depression from guilt and seeing her worrying so much that it will happen again. Last night she told me that she feels uncomfortable even when I act silly around her because that makes her worry. I was so upset I could barely keep it together. The fact that I can't even be myself and act silly with her etc is heart breaking. I am going to go talk to someone because this is not a healthy place for me to be. I may need to travel to a bigger Center once a week and get her into Ala-teen. Thank you all for listening and your responses!
I did end up having a conversation with the woman whom runs the alanon meeting here though. Unfortunately she said there is no alateen here. She did however say that she is welcome to come and it is mostly ladies who meet weekly. I am trying so hard not to fall into a depression from guilt and seeing her worrying so much that it will happen again. Last night she told me that she feels uncomfortable even when I act silly around her because that makes her worry. I was so upset I could barely keep it together. The fact that I can't even be myself and act silly with her etc is heart breaking. I am going to go talk to someone because this is not a healthy place for me to be. I may need to travel to a bigger Center once a week and get her into Ala-teen. Thank you all for listening and your responses!
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Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Iowa
Posts: 3,050
She could check into online meetings. They are available through the Alanon/Alateen website and the chat rooms are monitored by adult moderators.
@Gardenmama- the Alateen speakers are my favorite part of the banquets. They do such a fantastic job speaking from the heart. I always tear up.
@Gardenmama- the Alateen speakers are my favorite part of the banquets. They do such a fantastic job speaking from the heart. I always tear up.
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Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
I know what she means. My kids are certain their father is drinking when he is just trying to act silly. That is b/c he has acted that way in the past after drinking. Have you thought about any sort of individual counseling for her? My kids thrive at counseling, it has really helped them.
The best thing you can do for her at this point is consistant behavior, and TONS OF REASSURANCE. Let her speak freely to you w/out fearing she may be getting on your nerves or angering you for asking or needing that constant reassurance.
The best predictor of future behavior is past behavior. So, if you want to change that perception, you have to create a stable history for her to draw from. It takes time, but if you stick with it, it will come.
Many hugs and kudos to you! Keep up the good work!
The best thing you can do for her at this point is consistant behavior, and TONS OF REASSURANCE. Let her speak freely to you w/out fearing she may be getting on your nerves or angering you for asking or needing that constant reassurance.
The best predictor of future behavior is past behavior. So, if you want to change that perception, you have to create a stable history for her to draw from. It takes time, but if you stick with it, it will come.
Many hugs and kudos to you! Keep up the good work!
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