the start of a long journey...
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Join Date: Sep 2015
Posts: 8
the start of a long journey...
I just wanted to thank everyone from SR for the advice you've given to me. This is definitely the beginning of a long journey but I will able to get through with the help from you! I've been dating my BF on and off for about 12 years now. I've been pretty depressed since his recent leave to rehab. I can't talk to my family and friends about it because they're either on drugs too or they don't agree with me "wasting my life" on an addict. My father died when I was 3 before he was an addict and never got the help he needed.. I don't really know too many of his details, but I think part of me growing up without my father is one of the reasons why I'm so dedicated to being here for my BF giving him as much support as I can when he tells me he wants to quit. I think it means something by him willingly choosing to go to rehab this time. This was a little confusing to me at first because we're both Christians and it didn't make sense of why God would allow a Christian to experience this much trouble. Scripture does keep me with an open mind though in 2 Corinthians 5:17 “Therefore if any man be in Christ, he is a new creature: old things are passed away; behold, all things are become new.” - this shows me that just because someone is an addict, doesn't mean they can't and won't change. SR has opened my eyes to understand addiction more. I know it's a disease and I plan on learning as much as I can about it while my BF is gone. I want to better understand him so I can be the support system he needs. I am starting to feel a little better about this whole situation and all the thanks goes to you guys! I may have a few more "depression posts", but please keep giving advice and directing me in the right path. Hopefully this won't be much longer. I do plan on finding some NA meetings that are close to me to attend. I definitely think that will help out alot!
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Join Date: Apr 2013
Posts: 1,405
While you of course can be a part of his support system, he will need much more support then you can provide in the way of professionals in the field and other recovering addicts with some depth of sobriety.
And once you are more secure in your own recovery, open NA meetings are very interesting (especially speaker meetings) but really are for the addict. NarAnon, AlAnon, and CODA meetings are for us.
Another type of meeting that you both can attend are Celebrate Recovery meetings that are provided at many churches. I understand the format is that you start the general meeting together and then branch off into separate groups, one for the addict and a different group for the co-addict (someone please correct me if I'm wrong). Check with your local churches to get more information.
And once you are more secure in your own recovery, open NA meetings are very interesting (especially speaker meetings) but really are for the addict. NarAnon, AlAnon, and CODA meetings are for us.
Another type of meeting that you both can attend are Celebrate Recovery meetings that are provided at many churches. I understand the format is that you start the general meeting together and then branch off into separate groups, one for the addict and a different group for the co-addict (someone please correct me if I'm wrong). Check with your local churches to get more information.
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Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 864
I highly doubt you are here by happenstance. And I do think you may be on to something with this …
My best friend’s father was an addict. She talked openly about how abandonment issues among other things were what drove her need to save her bf. In the end she couldn’t save either of them. She couldn’t even make anything make sense. And now years later she is still repeating some dysfunctional pattern. Another man who needs fixing who no matter how much he talks some talk is in no way interested in changing.
You may want to keep this thought tucked away, the sick gravitate toward the sick.
It is such an inside job and while having support is nice please understand that not all support is healthy. If I picked your words apart I would say this … why only support when he is willing to quit. This was always something that perplexed me. Support has nothing to do with doing for or helping or being there or not being there.
Support is a view, it is a way of thinking … Seeing them as capable … seeing them as competent … seeing them as they are, not as one thinks, needs or wishes them to be. Treating them as capable and able to solve the madness, the messes, and the insanity they are tangled within.
Now I understand I am way ahead of the curve, got the been there done that tshirt….so this may be hard to follow but everything will change the more you look into yourself and stop looking at things through him. I learned along the way that I have no right to tell anyone how to live or to recover. I had no right making assignments of what was good or bad for another. And who was I to say that my husband’s life would be better if he stopped using heroin. Surely then in the sickness I could see mine might be. Something like if he would just then we could or I could … And then when I stopped and thought about it I was exactly where I put myself. I was sick, ruled by the fear, worried constantly because I allowed myself to be. It didn’t have to be that way.
The journey sucks but it is so worth it.
Be good to yourself.
My father died when I was 3 before he was an addict and never got the help he needed.. I don't really know too many of his details, but I think part of me growing up without my father is one of the reasons why I'm so dedicated to being here for my BF giving him as much support as I can when he tells me he wants to quit.
You may want to keep this thought tucked away, the sick gravitate toward the sick.
It is such an inside job and while having support is nice please understand that not all support is healthy. If I picked your words apart I would say this … why only support when he is willing to quit. This was always something that perplexed me. Support has nothing to do with doing for or helping or being there or not being there.
Support is a view, it is a way of thinking … Seeing them as capable … seeing them as competent … seeing them as they are, not as one thinks, needs or wishes them to be. Treating them as capable and able to solve the madness, the messes, and the insanity they are tangled within.
Now I understand I am way ahead of the curve, got the been there done that tshirt….so this may be hard to follow but everything will change the more you look into yourself and stop looking at things through him. I learned along the way that I have no right to tell anyone how to live or to recover. I had no right making assignments of what was good or bad for another. And who was I to say that my husband’s life would be better if he stopped using heroin. Surely then in the sickness I could see mine might be. Something like if he would just then we could or I could … And then when I stopped and thought about it I was exactly where I put myself. I was sick, ruled by the fear, worried constantly because I allowed myself to be. It didn’t have to be that way.
The journey sucks but it is so worth it.
Be good to yourself.
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