I slipped and ouch
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2014
Posts: 412
I slipped and ouch
I haven't posted for a while and have been doing pretty well.
I have been on a detox alkaline diet, and also I got a new dog! Both of which are great and have been keeping me really busy.
I went NC again with my XAH I think about a month ago. I told him I was going to give myself 4 months to just be me, without contact with him, and without dating anyone else. He had been very anti to the idea of me dating anyone else - we separated in March when I left because I think he was using and lying again.
Anyone, after a month had gone by I felt like 'Ah, I am OK. I am strong enough. It feels so cold and unloving to have him blocked on social media and e-mail.' I have no idea if he emailed me in the interim and I have changed my phone number for other reasons (due to the phone being in his name and him not paying the bill).
Anyway I unblocked him about a week ago.
Today I slipped and I decided to look at his FB profile.
He has taken down all the pictures of us getting married, in fact all the pics of me bar 2 innocuous group ones have gone.
I was dreading this day.
Even though I was the one who left, and I know in my heart of hearts this is not the relationship for me, nor will it work all the time he is in active addiction (which I suppose he still is) it still hit me in the stomach.
I know I did it to myself by looking, and please be gentle with me. Being married meant a lot to me and I am still finding it hard to let go sometimes.
I feel such mixed emotions. So mad, sad, and part of me wants to reach out and be like 'WTF???!!!'
The last things he said to me were that he meant his marriage vows and he wanted to work on us.
I know, I know, just words right.
He seemed to have a moment of clarity where he said he had to be honest with himself and he said he would call me to talk about things honestly. And then he never called. That was a couple of months ago (more words right).
After that he stopped replying to emails and then I went NC and blocked him on my email which was the last channel of communication unless he were to call my parents, which he didn't do.
I know it's probably good really, and I genuinely wish him the best.
It is stall hard to swallow though.
I still have our wedding photos up on my Facebook. They mean something to me. Even despite what happened after I loved that day.
It's so sad.
I really thought I had found someone I could rely on.
Just feeling sad today and I would love some support.
Thanks for listening.
I have been on a detox alkaline diet, and also I got a new dog! Both of which are great and have been keeping me really busy.
I went NC again with my XAH I think about a month ago. I told him I was going to give myself 4 months to just be me, without contact with him, and without dating anyone else. He had been very anti to the idea of me dating anyone else - we separated in March when I left because I think he was using and lying again.
Anyone, after a month had gone by I felt like 'Ah, I am OK. I am strong enough. It feels so cold and unloving to have him blocked on social media and e-mail.' I have no idea if he emailed me in the interim and I have changed my phone number for other reasons (due to the phone being in his name and him not paying the bill).
Anyway I unblocked him about a week ago.
Today I slipped and I decided to look at his FB profile.
He has taken down all the pictures of us getting married, in fact all the pics of me bar 2 innocuous group ones have gone.
I was dreading this day.
Even though I was the one who left, and I know in my heart of hearts this is not the relationship for me, nor will it work all the time he is in active addiction (which I suppose he still is) it still hit me in the stomach.
I know I did it to myself by looking, and please be gentle with me. Being married meant a lot to me and I am still finding it hard to let go sometimes.
I feel such mixed emotions. So mad, sad, and part of me wants to reach out and be like 'WTF???!!!'
The last things he said to me were that he meant his marriage vows and he wanted to work on us.
I know, I know, just words right.
He seemed to have a moment of clarity where he said he had to be honest with himself and he said he would call me to talk about things honestly. And then he never called. That was a couple of months ago (more words right).
After that he stopped replying to emails and then I went NC and blocked him on my email which was the last channel of communication unless he were to call my parents, which he didn't do.
I know it's probably good really, and I genuinely wish him the best.
It is stall hard to swallow though.
I still have our wedding photos up on my Facebook. They mean something to me. Even despite what happened after I loved that day.
It's so sad.
I really thought I had found someone I could rely on.
Just feeling sad today and I would love some support.
Thanks for listening.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2014
Posts: 412
Oh, and also the thought keeps coming that it's my fault. My brain goes to imagining him and his family sitting round blaming me because I was the catalyst it seems to me in some ways.
I shook things up and challenged us both to make our dreams come true. We started to do that. It was a lot of pressure...
And then he started using. It all crumbled.
But, oh wait! He was already an addict BEFORE that.
Conveniently everyone (including me sometimes) seems to forget that part.
Where did the man I loved go?
This sucks.
I shook things up and challenged us both to make our dreams come true. We started to do that. It was a lot of pressure...
And then he started using. It all crumbled.
But, oh wait! He was already an addict BEFORE that.
Conveniently everyone (including me sometimes) seems to forget that part.
Where did the man I loved go?
This sucks.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: USA
Posts: 574
I'm sorry CL. What you are going through makes us all sad. We remember forever. I would guess that we can see in your words what you may not be able to feel yet.
If he is still most likely using, then his words are more manipulation. To go right back to where he left off.
yes marriage means a lot. If it didn't you would not have taken such a big step right ? There's nothing wrong with going thru the mourning process but did you take 4 months because you thought it would change him into the person that you need/want ? or did you want to do some growing and feel life again ?
It's a road ... long and painful. Please remember to watch over 'you'. To take care of your emotions and read/learn as much as you can about the odds of his recovery. His trap awaits .... you are a wonderful lady and wise. Be careful.
Hugs to you CarmenLove,
Joie
If he is still most likely using, then his words are more manipulation. To go right back to where he left off.
yes marriage means a lot. If it didn't you would not have taken such a big step right ? There's nothing wrong with going thru the mourning process but did you take 4 months because you thought it would change him into the person that you need/want ? or did you want to do some growing and feel life again ?
It's a road ... long and painful. Please remember to watch over 'you'. To take care of your emotions and read/learn as much as you can about the odds of his recovery. His trap awaits .... you are a wonderful lady and wise. Be careful.
Hugs to you CarmenLove,
Joie
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2014
Posts: 412
Hi Joie,
Thank you <3
The 4 months is / was for me.
It sometimes feels a catch 22 because when I choose to think about the reality of the statistics about recovery from heroin I feel really depressed, hopeless and it almost sends me back into co-dependence.
However recently I chose a different line of thinking and I actually wrote down all the reasons that he could recover, NOT so we can be together, I really don't think we can now, and deep down I don't think I want to (just get lonely and sad and miss the good times sometimes), it just makes me feel better to imagine the possibility of recovery for him.
I am a natural optimist too. And I believe in LOA.
However this way of thinking can trip me up too - it's almost like then I am lulled into a false sense of security, or expect him to be all normal again.
I don't know, I suppose it is something about accepting reality as it is, holding the possibility of recovery however keeping that totally independent of my life and happiness.
Thank you <3
The 4 months is / was for me.
It sometimes feels a catch 22 because when I choose to think about the reality of the statistics about recovery from heroin I feel really depressed, hopeless and it almost sends me back into co-dependence.
However recently I chose a different line of thinking and I actually wrote down all the reasons that he could recover, NOT so we can be together, I really don't think we can now, and deep down I don't think I want to (just get lonely and sad and miss the good times sometimes), it just makes me feel better to imagine the possibility of recovery for him.
I am a natural optimist too. And I believe in LOA.
However this way of thinking can trip me up too - it's almost like then I am lulled into a false sense of security, or expect him to be all normal again.
I don't know, I suppose it is something about accepting reality as it is, holding the possibility of recovery however keeping that totally independent of my life and happiness.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
I still have our wedding photos up on my Facebook. They mean something to me. Even despite what happened after I loved that day.
but a MARRIAGE is not one day, no matter how wonderful. take that DAY out of the picture and then what do you have?
keep working on YOUR recovery - let go of any attachments to what he MAY or may not ever do. get those shields back up.
but a MARRIAGE is not one day, no matter how wonderful. take that DAY out of the picture and then what do you have?
keep working on YOUR recovery - let go of any attachments to what he MAY or may not ever do. get those shields back up.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: USA
Posts: 574
I do understand. After almost 3 years since he picked up, I was unable to cut the ties. It was about me. Not him. It scared me that I could not bring myself to leave no matter how bad things were. Reality was something I tried not to think about often. I had become sick. He died the night that I ended things. I will never know what the next day would bring but Im glad that he's not fighting this beast anymore. I have great compassion too but I looked around me and saw what this had done to my family relationships and to my friends. Work, church, money, medically, mentally ... all of those things deserved me completely. I was fighting a ghost. And still am.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2014
Posts: 412
Anvilhead,
Yes it's true.
And in fact there were a lot of good days. And a lot of very bad ones too.
I know I desire more. I deserve more and I have to be the one to take a stand for me to have more.
I love this bit "let go of any attachments to what he MAY or may not ever do" - it really resonates.
Although I don't want to live with shields up. That feels bad somehow.
Yes it's true.
And in fact there were a lot of good days. And a lot of very bad ones too.
I know I desire more. I deserve more and I have to be the one to take a stand for me to have more.
I love this bit "let go of any attachments to what he MAY or may not ever do" - it really resonates.
Although I don't want to live with shields up. That feels bad somehow.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2014
Location: Alaska
Posts: 276
Oh, honey.
None of this will ever be or have been because you "weren't enough".
I've had to switch to dealing with my exAH as if his addiction & all that goes with it are not a factor, because that's how you deal with ANY breakup.
Eventually, no matter how long we're with someone, how hard we tried, nor how much we loved them, they will "move on".
But SO WILL WE.
Give yourself the kindness to acknowledge your own feelings, but know that they too will pass & that you, too, will either find someone else (someone better!), or be content with yourself & your life, or (hopefully) both.
Hugs lady.
None of this will ever be or have been because you "weren't enough".
I've had to switch to dealing with my exAH as if his addiction & all that goes with it are not a factor, because that's how you deal with ANY breakup.
Eventually, no matter how long we're with someone, how hard we tried, nor how much we loved them, they will "move on".
But SO WILL WE.
Give yourself the kindness to acknowledge your own feelings, but know that they too will pass & that you, too, will either find someone else (someone better!), or be content with yourself & your life, or (hopefully) both.
Hugs lady.
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