The waiting game....
 

My husband went to detox yesterday. It was so strange dropping him off. Talked to him and his counselor today. He seems ok and I have a meeting with him and his counselor next Wednesday. So no more contact until then. We've never been apart this long, it's very weird. I'm nervous about the whole thing. I'm worried he won't complete treatment, worried I'll still resent him when he comes out. I'm just worried about everything. Any encouraging words, experience with opiate detox?

I also heard a rumor that his brother is shooting heroin. His brother has been his partner in crime for a while. They are always together. So now I'm thinking he has been shooting heroin too. Ugh...

Good morning Rlong!

Have you started thinking about boundaries to protect yourself a bit from the upheaval of his addiction?

You can tell him he can't come home if he doesn't finish the program. As a wife, that's a reasonable demand. What do you think?

Worrying is like praying for what you don't want. Try to start stating what you want and putting boundaries in place to protect your peace of mind.

Resentments don't go away overnight or in a 28 day break. When I worked on my resentments I discovered at the heart of each one was anger at myself for putting up with BS. Unloading on my recovering A was not the way to let them go.

I did tell him before he went in that if he didn't finish the program he couldn't come back to our home. But I know there, in the moment, if he wants to leave, he may feel differently. I have set some boundaries, but really I'm new at this and don't really know what to do. I've also always been weak when it comes to him. Not to say I am a weak person or dependent on him in any way. But I just tend to give in to him. But I must say I have gotten 150% better at that these past few months. And he does know that I am on the verge of leaving him. He told his counselor that at the rehab center too. So he is aware of how serious I am.

No worries. I went along for 18 years of high functioning alcoholism before I found some boundaries. It can be done.

I found my start in Codependent No More.

I can say that I lost myself each time I hoped against the odds, that he would continue with a plan after detox. I laid boundaries - that were broken instantly tho I was in denial within one hour of him being released. Many detox programs are so the user can continue benefits or to avoid jail time. Eventually the web wont let them go. The lies and manipulation make everyone involved - sick.

My Ex ABF would do what he had to do to retain his helpers.

Well my husband went voluntarily. He said it was time and he needed help to get off of the pills. He's always been a drinker too but hasn't drank in over a month now (which for him is a huge accomplishment).
I still have a lot of anger and resentment towards him, mostly for all the lying. I hate being lied to. And I still feel like he's not telling me everything. I'm looking forward to the meeting with him counselor on Wednesday. I will ask him some of the questions I have in her presence to see how he answers then.

I also have set boundaries in the past that have been stepped over and broken and shattered behind him. But I have to give him a try. I feel like I owe that to my kids at least. I do love him.
I told him I love to hate him and hate to love him!

why not write down your questions and concerns before the meeting. then contemplate which are the 3 or 5 most important to you.......he'll still be going thru some detox/withdrawals by then and not completely stable and sane. so don't expect too much.

and just as his detox/recovery is going to take TIME....so will your own healing. those feelings of frustration, anger, disappointment, rage will not simply dissolve in a few days. they are YOUR feelings, and all of them are valid. you will have to decide how YOU choose to deal with them, rather than just wish them away.

it takes work, but you are worth it!

That's a good idea. I will write some things down as I think of them and then look at it on Wednesday and decide what's most important to me. Yea I wish everything would just be better in a few days, but I know that's not reality. I'm hoping he will stay in the straight and narrow and my trust will be rebuilt. But I guess that's in a perfect world. Who knows what will actually happen.

My husband has always told me that he is only snorting the pills. Would never shoot. However looking through his car today I found a bag of q-tips and what looks like a piece of a syringe stopper. I'm so sick to my stomach. I don't know why I thought snorting pills was bad enough but now it's IV??
Addicts- did you use IV? Will it be harder to kick?? Is this something I should stick around to find out?
I will ask him in the meeting Wednesday what drugs he was on and how he was doing them. See how he answers with his counselor present. I mean I already know the answer but....
I'm just so pissed right now. I don't know if I wanna deal with this forever. And I can't even confront him because he's in the rehab center on blackout. Ugh....

Rlong87
RacLon


Join Date: Aug 2015
Posts: 44
I just dont know if I want to do this. I'm busy enough with my two jobs and two kids. I don't have time for another kid.

He just called me begging to come home... Um NO !!!!!
He also admitted to IV drug use. I just don't know what...or how long he's been doing it.

I am so sorry Rlong. The lies are the worst part.

I am also so sorry that you have to discover such ugly things about your loved one. Keep posting, take it one day at a time

Not to sound cynical, however from my experience...if their lips are moving they are lying. I am sorry that you are going through this.

Sending big hugs to you today.

Stick to your guns. It's what is necessary no matter how painful it is.

If he can't handle rehab, how could he possibly handle detox and sobriety in your home with your kids?

Stand your ground and protect your kids and yourself from life with an active addict. IV use is pretty far down the road of addiction--

That's what I'm saying. If you get to IV that's bad. He said it's been IV for about 2 months and he actually was the one that said he needed to go to rehab to detox (before I had the chance to).
He had tried at home several times when I threatened to leave before. But never lasted more Than a few days. Finally he came home and said I'll go in. i had no idea it was IV or heroin though. We work opposite schedules and I've had his ass out of the couch for a while so I had no clue. I found out while he was in and I'm sick over it. I don't wanna stay but as weird as this sounds he's actually a great dad, bery active and present in their lives. He has just become this other person. And I don't know if I'll ever see the man I married again.

I'm really sad and angry about it all. I feel so lost.

His recovery needs to be his.
I think if you just focus on building a stable life for your kids and yourself right now you will find yourself again.

He's been lying and using the family money for drugs.
I think letting him come back to your home would be a huge risk
and not allow you to deal with the justifiable hurt and anger you are feeling.

He needs help you can't give, but he has to want it more than anything.
If you let him back home, there is no reason for him to get out of his comfort zone and seek treatment-
it will be so easy for him (and you) to fall back into your usual pattern except he is getting worse, and may well drag you all down with him.

I think your head knows this even though your heart wants to let him back.
Only you can decide what's best, but if you put the kid's needs first, the answer seems pretty obvious, hard as it is.

Hugs Rlong :grouphug:

Well he is already in an inpatient treatment facility, by his own choosing. I just found out things were worse than I thought while he is in there. So yes clearly he's been lying and stealing and whatnot.
He is, on the other hand, a fabulous father to our kids. (I know that sounds weird) but he is. He plays ball with my son every night. He reads them bedtime stories, does bath time. He does A LOT. That's why I never would have imagined he was shooting heroin. He goes to work everyday, goes to school 2 nights a week, and the other nights he's home with us doing things together. It's just crazy. I'm still in shock.
I have the meeting with his counselor and him at 3:00 today. I'm so nervous, even just to see him. I don't know if I'll look at him the same or not. Right now I feel no emotion but anger towards him, but maybe I'll feel differently when I see him.