hopepraylove

For anyone who has been reading my threads...I asked for NC from my ABF for two weeks while I try to cope with the **** show of emotions I'm feeling after another relapse. I've had really hard days, and days where I feel fine.

Today I heard from him,(it's been one week) he texted me "Not talking to you has been the hardest thing I've ever had to do in my life. I hope you are doing well."

And just like that, I have ripped open my wound and poured half a ton of salt into it.

I SO BADLY WANT TO RESPOND, AND CRY, & JUST THROW A FIT. My sponsor isn't answering and I feel really upset and overwhelmed. I know that a lot of the advice will be "don't respond." I am just having a hard day already, and just like clockwork---I hear from him.

DO THEY HAVE FEELERS? HOW DOES THIS ALWAYS HAPPEN

I love him, very much. And not in a naive/I think I can cure you/kind of way. I know he is sick, I have accepted it, I know we can not be together while he's actively using. As far as I know...he is not working a program, but he is "sober/dry" and living with his mom in another state.

ladyscribbler

People are going to test your boundaries. It's up to you to enforce them. You asked him nicely not to contact you for two weeks. He didn't respect your boundary. The ball is now in your court to enforce it. Can you block his number?
I did Alanon outreach at a local rehab last night, meeting with the family members of patients. Manipulation was a hot-button topic. Everyone wondered how to make it stop. Addicts manipulate because it works, because it gets them what they want. The way to stop manipulation is to make it ineffective by enforcing your boundaries. Don't give him what he wants.

hopepraylove

I should have specified...I asked him not to call me, he asked if he could text or email & I said he could, but that I would only respond "at my own time/pace." I have the option not to. I'm debating posting my email I wrote to him instating the NC for more advice...my sponsor helped me write it. I'm just on this forum right now to keep me from immediately (if ever) responding

ladyscribbler

It's against forum rules to post verbatim emails duty to privacy issues.
Sorry I got confused. NC means no contact, not just no phone calls. It means no calls, texts, emails, telegrams, smoke signals, skywriting.
The purpose isn't to punish the other person, but to give you the time and space you need to heal.
So you told him not to call you, and he texted. Not technically against your request, but still manipulative. The wording, the poor me, it's been so hard. All designed to tug at your heartstrings and suck you back in.
Something I see on here a lot is- No contact equals no new hurts.

hopepraylove

I apologize. I should have specified that prior. I was just having too difficult of a time having him call me. He hasn't called since I've asked him not to. And this is the first text message I've received from him since asking him not to call me...His mom however, messaged me on Monday.

I think IF I respond, I'll say something along the lines of "I hope you are doing well too."
or just nothing...

I feel like I have a good program---until I hear from him. And then I want to do everything that I am told not to.

GardenMama

I agree with Ladyscribbler, and I suggest you do something that will get your mind off of him. Walk, shop, read, take a drive somewhere, etc. When we leave little openings, like you have, we are asking for contact. I totally understand your pain, but I think you have to decide if it will hurt more to be hurt again by him or to just turn off your phone and focus on something else--like yourself! Just some heartfelt suggestions. Sorry you are having a hard day today.

hopepraylove

I know...I'm at work right now, so I don't really have the option to leave. I wanted to give myself a realistic boundary...I'm just not emotionally in the place to completely and totally cut him out of my life. That's why I asked for the no phone calls...every time he would call me I would be hysterically upset. We've been broken up for a month now.

The truth is: I don't see us having a relationship in the near future, at the very least it would be several months down the line with serious commitment to his program and sincerity in his sobriety. Even then, I'm unsure I would be able to trust him again...I know this is the best decision for me (as well as for him) but, it is a hard habit to break. He's been my best friend & my partner.

GardenMama

I am sorry. That hurts like hell. Plenty here have been where you are. I hope you can find some peace this weekend. Broken trust is hard to mend without the complication of addiction, but you will figure out what is best for both of you, and you may have to be the one to take the lead. Take care.

hopepraylove

Thank you GardenMama.

hopepraylove

So I responded. "I hope you're taking care of yourself and healing."

He immediately wrote back:
"I am. I just left my doctors office. Are you doing okay? I really miss you."

Hawkeye13

So now he is starting a dialogue--you took the bait.

Given your emotional vulnerability, you should either block his number or
text him that No Contact means what it means really, which is No Contact of any kind.

You are on the precipice of getting sucked back for another ride on the Crazy Train.

Be wary and protect yourself or prepare for another cycle.