Help with succeeding with Step 1 - accept being powerless
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Join Date: Aug 2015
Posts: 249
Help with succeeding with Step 1 - accept being powerless
When I offered compassion, something happened where... he confessed. When I offered understanding, something happened where... he somehow views his life to me more worth than his cocaine addiction and I feel I need to start a lot of self-care, I need to regain my life back where it isn't completely consumed by his addiction.
He has been completely open about talking about it. Day and night I have questions, I ask him constantly. He doesn't seem to push me back, he is always available and he answers everything with 100% honesty or at least it feels that way. It isn't easy to hear that all the times I thought he did coke I was right. I sure hate being right about it this time - the control freak in me says... you are right, are you happy now?
No... not really. Definitely not happy. But I seem to be able to work through all this mess a little clearer.
I have started to study again, read books... slowly. I am slowly turning the attention towards me, but it's hard not to ask him. Constantly. And I don't think that is helping him too much, it brings back the negative energy he was in and I think talking about it constantly it makes him depressed. He hasn't really said to stop talking, he used to. He would always rush me and tell me he is tired of talking about the same crap over and over. Hasn't really said that, but I know it's not good - I think me asking him is part of being codependent. I am still struggling with Step 1. To accept I am powerless.
I am slowly working on myself, but I really struggle with it. A LOT.
How do I stop asking him so many questions and still having a lot of focus on this? Yes, I guess I just do. But just how his addiction controlled his inertia of going to the coke bag, I feel like I am not completely aware when I do it.
How do I work through Step 1? How do I bring more awareness into STOPPING to question him 24/7?
He has been completely open about talking about it. Day and night I have questions, I ask him constantly. He doesn't seem to push me back, he is always available and he answers everything with 100% honesty or at least it feels that way. It isn't easy to hear that all the times I thought he did coke I was right. I sure hate being right about it this time - the control freak in me says... you are right, are you happy now?
No... not really. Definitely not happy. But I seem to be able to work through all this mess a little clearer.
I have started to study again, read books... slowly. I am slowly turning the attention towards me, but it's hard not to ask him. Constantly. And I don't think that is helping him too much, it brings back the negative energy he was in and I think talking about it constantly it makes him depressed. He hasn't really said to stop talking, he used to. He would always rush me and tell me he is tired of talking about the same crap over and over. Hasn't really said that, but I know it's not good - I think me asking him is part of being codependent. I am still struggling with Step 1. To accept I am powerless.
I am slowly working on myself, but I really struggle with it. A LOT.
How do I stop asking him so many questions and still having a lot of focus on this? Yes, I guess I just do. But just how his addiction controlled his inertia of going to the coke bag, I feel like I am not completely aware when I do it.
How do I work through Step 1? How do I bring more awareness into STOPPING to question him 24/7?
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Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Mmmmmm
Posts: 3,178
Hello Soulful,
I used the overview posted here in the 12 step section to work through Step 1.
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...-step-1-a.html
The 24/7 questions. Well you could go work out and get too tired to stay awake and question him. When is the last time you got together for a girl night? Do you like to wander the library? Go see a movie with a friend. Go do some stuff away from being in the presence of an addict. Go have a break. Then when you come back, you'll have fresh energy and things to talk about other than his addiction. At the very least, haul your books and journals to a park or a coffee shop.
I've written here that I just stop and click my teeth together when my mind catches up to my mouth. I just stop mid-sentence, take a breath, and admit I was obsessing and am trying to stop.
Best of luck to you!
I used the overview posted here in the 12 step section to work through Step 1.
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...-step-1-a.html
The 24/7 questions. Well you could go work out and get too tired to stay awake and question him. When is the last time you got together for a girl night? Do you like to wander the library? Go see a movie with a friend. Go do some stuff away from being in the presence of an addict. Go have a break. Then when you come back, you'll have fresh energy and things to talk about other than his addiction. At the very least, haul your books and journals to a park or a coffee shop.
I've written here that I just stop and click my teeth together when my mind catches up to my mouth. I just stop mid-sentence, take a breath, and admit I was obsessing and am trying to stop.
Best of luck to you!
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
maybe you need to look IN to Step One more thoroughly and get a real concrete understanding of what you are accepting.....maybe something like this:
NarAnon Step One
Step 1: We admitted we were powerless over the addict - that our lives had become unmanageable.
Step One may be easy to read and easy to agree with, at least on the surface. We can freely admit to the fact that our lives are in real trouble. After all that is why we finally came to NarAnon.
It may not be so easy to admit we are powerless, or that we cannot control and manage our own lives. We may say it is not so: "it is the addict that is out of control - if I could only change him, I could manage very nicely, thank you."
We have tried all kinds of things to show them how wrong they are. It seemed so obvious to us! "If only he would decide to stop using. If only I could do just that one right thing to make him stop. But none of it works; he is so stubborn, blind, uncaring and cruel." If our lives were unmanageable, it was certainly not for lack of our trying! We have believed we were the only reason we have managed so long. After all, we have kept it together alone, all this time.
The frustration and anger we feel clouds the issue, but slowly we begin to see that the parts of our lives that are unmanageable are not ours to manage. We are indeed powerless over the addict. All the manipulating and maneuvering has not helped. We cannot control and manage, because it is not our lives we are trying to manage. We must realize where our responsibilities end. We do not like it when our well meaning relatives and friends try to tell us how to live. Neither do our loved ones (addicts) like us to tell them. This is when we need to remember the NarAnon reading, "we didn't cause it; we can't control it and we can't cure it."
The other part of Step One begins to become clear. We must let go of the addict's part. We only prolong their struggle by meddling. We must stop our crazy compulsive behaviour and let them dance with their addiction alone. We can stand back, without losing our love and compassion for them and "Not Do". It's OK, it doesn't cause a dramatic change, and it didn't change when we "Did" either. Some of our craziness leaves and we realize we feel a little better. All it took was inaction.
Still, we feel resistance. The idea remains that perhaps we can "help" our addicts. We have not completely surrendered to the idea that we cannot stop their behaviour, but the prize looms there in front of us. If only we could let go of that nagging voice to "do" that one little thing that will finally make the difference.
We have found the need for Step Two, and we can and do come back to Step One. It is a step that we may never put aside as completed. It is a tool to be used again and again.
Try a little exercise with Step One. Substitute the name of your addict for the word addict and then read it through again in the first person. Then put another name in its place, and another, all belonging to people you have tried to change because you knew how they needed to change. Over and over say the lines.
Do you see?
NarAnon Step One
Step 1: We admitted we were powerless over the addict - that our lives had become unmanageable.
Step One may be easy to read and easy to agree with, at least on the surface. We can freely admit to the fact that our lives are in real trouble. After all that is why we finally came to NarAnon.
It may not be so easy to admit we are powerless, or that we cannot control and manage our own lives. We may say it is not so: "it is the addict that is out of control - if I could only change him, I could manage very nicely, thank you."
We have tried all kinds of things to show them how wrong they are. It seemed so obvious to us! "If only he would decide to stop using. If only I could do just that one right thing to make him stop. But none of it works; he is so stubborn, blind, uncaring and cruel." If our lives were unmanageable, it was certainly not for lack of our trying! We have believed we were the only reason we have managed so long. After all, we have kept it together alone, all this time.
The frustration and anger we feel clouds the issue, but slowly we begin to see that the parts of our lives that are unmanageable are not ours to manage. We are indeed powerless over the addict. All the manipulating and maneuvering has not helped. We cannot control and manage, because it is not our lives we are trying to manage. We must realize where our responsibilities end. We do not like it when our well meaning relatives and friends try to tell us how to live. Neither do our loved ones (addicts) like us to tell them. This is when we need to remember the NarAnon reading, "we didn't cause it; we can't control it and we can't cure it."
The other part of Step One begins to become clear. We must let go of the addict's part. We only prolong their struggle by meddling. We must stop our crazy compulsive behaviour and let them dance with their addiction alone. We can stand back, without losing our love and compassion for them and "Not Do". It's OK, it doesn't cause a dramatic change, and it didn't change when we "Did" either. Some of our craziness leaves and we realize we feel a little better. All it took was inaction.
Still, we feel resistance. The idea remains that perhaps we can "help" our addicts. We have not completely surrendered to the idea that we cannot stop their behaviour, but the prize looms there in front of us. If only we could let go of that nagging voice to "do" that one little thing that will finally make the difference.
We have found the need for Step Two, and we can and do come back to Step One. It is a step that we may never put aside as completed. It is a tool to be used again and again.
Try a little exercise with Step One. Substitute the name of your addict for the word addict and then read it through again in the first person. Then put another name in its place, and another, all belonging to people you have tried to change because you knew how they needed to change. Over and over say the lines.
Do you see?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2015
Posts: 249
I have been trying to fix all the men in my life, because my mom couldn't fix my dad when he decided to leave us when I was 1.
Because I KNOW better, so all the men that I have been with should know I am right and they don't know better.
Well, this exercise just brought out something really difficult to finally face. I am finally accepting that my parents divorce was not my fault.
Where the hell did all of this that I just wrote come from????? I am a little overwhelmed now.
Because I KNOW better, so all the men that I have been with should know I am right and they don't know better.
Well, this exercise just brought out something really difficult to finally face. I am finally accepting that my parents divorce was not my fault.
Where the hell did all of this that I just wrote come from????? I am a little overwhelmed now.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
good self reflection.....we are SO used to looking outward, focusing on someone ELSE, thinking their thoughts, feeling their feelings, almost living their lives......it's amazing what we discover when get back inside ourselves, our own heads.........
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