LostWife15044

I don't know what to do. My husband just confessed his pain killer problem to me. Well, I wouldn't go so far as to say he confessed as he got stuck in the lie with no way to back out of it. It was the money. For months I had thought something was wrong. The amount of money that was going out of our checking seemed unreal. He would argue with me that I had no clue how much things cost. He would yell that he works hard and all he is rewarded with is distrust. I would back down. Feel bad. He is now at the point that he had backed him self into a financial corner to the point that he couldn't lie his way out. He told me the truth.

I have no idea what to do. I went through his alcohol addiction with him years ago. He worked hard. Went to rehab. Did his program. Found a follow up therapist. Things were good for years. Now this. I can't believe we are back here. This time, pills. With his job he travels for work. He is out of town till the end of the week. His big concern is if I will be here when he gets home. I don't even know the answer to that question.

I don't even know why I am writing this. Perhaps to get it down and look at it? I do not know. I can not even begin to imagine doing this again. I don't know if that makes me a terrible person for being reluctant to help my husband again. I don't know if that makes me stronger to say I won't do this any more.

I don't think I could leave even if that is what I want. I think he has burned through all of our accounts, opened credit cards and maxed them, taken out payday and short term loans. Aside from the pain of being lied to, the horror of him going through rehab again, how do I figure out how badly he has destroyed our finances?

Any idea where to begin? At the moment I am just to scared to see it all and start.

Lovenjoy

i'm so sorry you are faced with this LostWife and yet i am really glad you've found SR. welcome to the club none of us wanted to join. my addict is my son and i'm sorry to say that it is very unlikely that you have gotten the truth. but it sounds like his house of cards has collapsed, as did my son's, and now it's time for damage control and protecting yourself.

and yes in my opinion you are stronger to say you won't do this any more, truly. he's been here before, as have you, and it's up to him to clean himself up.

whether you are up for being there is your choice to make and i hope you find the strength to do what is right for you.

i'm so sorry you find yourself dealing with the destruction of addiction. please read and post and take care of you. there is much wisdom to be found here and it is possible for those of us impacted to find healing.

you are not alone.

Charioteer

So sorry to hear this. Hang in there and please keep us posted.

emilynghiem

I would start with saving your house. If you can make sure you can keep that, any property you have like a house or car can be used to leverage loans from friends that YOU will manage not him.

If he took out a mortgage on the house, if the interest is high, check with naca.com if you can get a lower %

If you have to file for bankruptcy there are steps to protect your house first so it can't be seized and sold by creditors.

Do you have any family or friends with churches or nonprofits that can help lend you enough money to save your home or cars while you work on paying off these other debts?

One way I've seen people with bad credit and racked up debts turn around and pay that off is working with friends who do have credit, and buying rental property to produce monthly income and splitting that between the partner/investors. If you have any extra rooms in your house, you could rent to generate some income coming in, or move to a smaller place and rent the whole house out.

Check with a friend in real estate and also consult with someone in financial advising or bankruptcy law. Some credit card debts may be better off letting go, others could be re-negotiated if you have a car or other things to use as collateral.

If you don't think you can afford to save everything, then make a list of what things you have to have, and work on saving those first. Don't be afraid, be shameless in asking friends, family and church or nonprofit groups for help. Some people at risk of losing their homes find benefactors willing to buy their houses and rent them back so they can stay there. There are many ways to work things out, if you can take it one step at a time.

One thing to be glad for is your husband told you so you can even get this started. Ask around for help until you find someone who can advise you and/or help you finance loans to take care of the most important things, and to consult on what to do if you have to let some debts go.

A good financial advisor might help prioritize what to do or not to do first.

I respect your courage in sticking with your husband to work through this. Make sure he is the one who asks for help and doesn't put this on you. If he asks and admits his fault, then he is more likely to get help.

Too many times I bailed people out, and if they leave it to me to ask for help, it doesn't come. They need to ask for help to pay their own debts, and not put that on you for helping them. It never works that way.

LostWife15044

[QUOTE =you are not alone.[/QUOTE]

Yet I feel it. I have been sitting here looking through my phone and can't seem to find one person to call and talk to about this. I can't stomach the idea of telling a single person I know that this is happing AGAIN. No one thought I should have stayed the first time, I suppose they were right.

Part of me wants to spend this afternoon finding a divorce lawyer, part of me wants to crawl in bed and stay there, and another part of me wants to start calling doctors and set him up with an appointment. I'm just not sure which part is going to win.

hopepraylove

Start by going to a local al-anon meeting, or naranon. Take things one day at a time. I'm so sorry you're going through this. If you need someone to talk to, please feel free to PM me.

Hugs.

LostWife15044

Some good ideas in there. At the moment, still way to embarrassed to ask any family or friends for help. I do not think he took a second mortgage, actually had not thought to look into that, but I know the cars are all almost in repo status. He took money out to pay them every month, just bought pills instead. I doubt we would qualify for Bankruptcy, there is no reason we should be in this much trouble. Having him pay his own debts is a great idea, though I am sure some of the cards he took out and maxed he did in my name. I suppose I could report that to the credit card companies, but most want a police report to claim fraud and I do not think I am ready for that. He did let me know he is getting sued from some of the payday loan companies. I imagine that will be fun.

I feel like just letting it all burn down and standing back and watching it. But I suppose that would only hurt me as well and I doubt in the end it will solve anything.

zoso77

Welcome to the Board. I'm sorry for what has brought you here, but I'm thankful you've reached out to us. That took a lot of strength. New members often feel alone and isolated when they're going through what you are. But then they find us, and they know they're sharing with people who understand and empathize with them.

I'm not going to offer advice on how to deal with your AH. What I will do, however, is give you some insight on how to make the best decisions you can for you.

Since you've already been down this road before with him, this raises some difficult questions. One of them is what sort of price are you willing to pay to maintain a marriage to someone who doesn't want to pay a price for their own behavior. When money is flying out the door...when credit is being taken out and maxed out...when this is all being done covertly...then you have to take your own moral inventory. And that isn't necessarily an easy thing to do.

When we marry someone, it's not just because we love them. It's also because their morals and values are ostensibly in phase with our own. And when it turns out that's not the case, the level of betrayal we feel is often off the charts.

So slow down. Think about what's important to you. Think about whether he's capable of being the type of spouse you need him to be. Be honest with yourself.

And know that you've got a bunch of us in your corner. So keep us posted, and again, Welcome to the Board.

CodeJob

I'm sorry you are in a crisis LostWife.

Get a handle on the debt. Start a spreadsheet and figure it all out piece by piece. I'd start a new checking with your H having no access. Switch your direct deposit there. It wouldn't hurt to make an appointment with a divorce lawyer too. Have assets, debt and income available for that meeting to be even more useful.

Staying or leaving doesn't have to be decided today.