what would you do?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2015
Location: Delray Beach, Florida
Posts: 215
what would you do?
So my husband relapsed in February. Heroin. I lost my baby girl (2nd trimester miscarriage) a week before he told me he picked up again. He stole money from me, stole money from his 16 year old son, left me the day I delivered my baby to buy drugs...you get the picture. He then lost his job. He got himself clean on suboxone and got a new job. He weaned off suboxone in 6 weeks then relapsed again in May. Somehow he was able to keep his new job. Meanwhile he told me he was going to put our boys on his health insurance plan but never did. Too late for me to put them on my plan now. Anyway, I kicked him out when I found out he was using again that 2nd time. He only went into an outpatient program because I told him I would not let him back into the house without help. After 5 weeks I let him back. He is still holding his job but he WILL get fired any minute. He says he is working but he isn't! He browses the Internet all day and pretends to work (he works out of our home). He says he hates his job and only took it because he needs a pay check. He is not putting any effort to keep this job and provide for his family. It's so upsetting to me because he is taking advantage of me and not willing to do what it takes for his family. He is searching for more desirable employment but hasn't had a job interview since he started looking 5 weeks ago. His outpatient program will end in September. I'm concerned he is going down the same path as before and will relapse again. He hasn't been able to hold a job since I've known him. He has had over 12 jobs in the 9 years I've been with him. I'm exhausted and mentally drained. I don't trust him and I'm just waiting for him to lose yet another job. My dream was to have a big family, but there is no way I will have another child with these issues, my dream was to move out of our tiny house into something bigger but he has no job stability and can't handle stress. I feel so resentful for many reasons. I know many of you would give anything to have your loved ones clean....mine is clean for now and I'm just not happy. I'm sorry if this is petty in comparison to all the drug related deaths and heart ache. I just wanted to get someone's perspective. Thank you for listening.
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
I'm exhausted and mentally drained. I don't trust him and I'm just waiting for him to lose yet another job. My dream was to have a big family, but there is no way I will have another child with these issues, my dream was to move out of our tiny house into something bigger but he has no job stability and can't handle stress.
Have you thought of moving in with family while you find your balance and decide what you want for your future and that of your children? Living like this just takes you down with him. He may not be using but he is showing no responsibility at all to himself, to you or to your children. The time very well may come where you would need to work to provide and he's no where near responsible enough to take care of your children.
It might help you to make a plan, what you would do if he left or if you left or if he remained but lost his job and continued this behaviour. It doesn't mean you have to implement it just yet, but having a plan will make you feel more secure and less frightened of the "what if's".
Hugs
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2015
Location: Delray Beach, Florida
Posts: 215
Originally Posted by Ann 
This just breaks my heart, I am so sorry for your pain and keep you and your children in my prayers.
Have you thought of moving in with family while you find your balance and decide what you want for your future and that of your children? Living like this just takes you down with him. He may not be using but he is showing no responsibility at all to himself, to you or to your children. The time very well may come where you would need to work to provide and he's no where near responsible enough to take care of your children.
It might help you to make a plan, what you would do if he left or if you left or if he remained but lost his job and continued this behaviour. It doesn't mean you have to implement it just yet, but having a plan will make you feel more secure and less frightened of the "what if's".
Hugs
Have you thought of moving in with family while you find your balance and decide what you want for your future and that of your children? Living like this just takes you down with him. He may not be using but he is showing no responsibility at all to himself, to you or to your children. The time very well may come where you would need to work to provide and he's no where near responsible enough to take care of your children.
It might help you to make a plan, what you would do if he left or if you left or if he remained but lost his job and continued this behaviour. It doesn't mean you have to implement it just yet, but having a plan will make you feel more secure and less frightened of the "what if's".
Hugs
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2015
Location: Delray Beach, Florida
Posts: 215
One other thing...I've found that he's been looking at porn everyday while he is suppose to be working. He looks at it maybe 20 minutes which I guess isn't a big deal but it's everyday and it bothers me. He's in jeopardy of losing his job yet he's getting off on porn? Makes me sick
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: USA
Posts: 574
Is this man the kind of role model that you want and need for your children ?
It is also a reflection of the amount of love you are putting into him when you boys need you so much.
Fear is an awful thing but for you right now, you haven't hit your breaking point. It will increase and the stress will eventually outweigh trying to save him or wait for him to be a man.
Your children deserve all of your attention and devotion. This man isn't capable of being responsible, loving or sober. In addition to that, you must not be thinking that it's okay for him to be watching porn at home when he is supposed to be working or looking for work ? even if it's only for 20 minutes ?
He has multiple issues that you are not equipped to manage.
When we stay in skewed relationships - we lose our own direction. You will need to work on you.
Al-anon, Coda, Naranon can help. Please read Codependent No More by Melody Beattie. And all of the posts here than you can. Stickies at the top of this forum. Best to you and your boys. Hugs.
It is also a reflection of the amount of love you are putting into him when you boys need you so much.
Fear is an awful thing but for you right now, you haven't hit your breaking point. It will increase and the stress will eventually outweigh trying to save him or wait for him to be a man.
Your children deserve all of your attention and devotion. This man isn't capable of being responsible, loving or sober. In addition to that, you must not be thinking that it's okay for him to be watching porn at home when he is supposed to be working or looking for work ? even if it's only for 20 minutes ?
He has multiple issues that you are not equipped to manage.
When we stay in skewed relationships - we lose our own direction. You will need to work on you.
Al-anon, Coda, Naranon can help. Please read Codependent No More by Melody Beattie. And all of the posts here than you can. Stickies at the top of this forum. Best to you and your boys. Hugs.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2015
Location: Delray Beach, Florida
Posts: 215
Originally Posted by JOIE12
Is this man the kind of role model that you want and need for your children ?
It is also a reflection of the amount of love you are putting into him when you boys need you so much.
Fear is an awful thing but for you right now, you haven't hit your breaking point. It will increase and the stress will eventually outweigh trying to save him or wait for him to be a man.
Your children deserve all of your attention and devotion. This man isn't capable of being responsible, loving or sober. In addition to that, you must not be thinking that it's okay for him to be watching porn at home when he is supposed to be working or looking for work ? even if it's only for 20 minutes ?
He has multiple issues that you are not equipped to manage.
When we stay in skewed relationships - we lose our own direction. You will need to work on you.
Al-anon, Coda, Naranon can help. Please read Codependent No More by Melody Beattie. And all of the posts here than you can. Stickies at the top of this forum. Best to you and your boys. Hugs.
It is also a reflection of the amount of love you are putting into him when you boys need you so much.
Fear is an awful thing but for you right now, you haven't hit your breaking point. It will increase and the stress will eventually outweigh trying to save him or wait for him to be a man.
Your children deserve all of your attention and devotion. This man isn't capable of being responsible, loving or sober. In addition to that, you must not be thinking that it's okay for him to be watching porn at home when he is supposed to be working or looking for work ? even if it's only for 20 minutes ?
He has multiple issues that you are not equipped to manage.
When we stay in skewed relationships - we lose our own direction. You will need to work on you.
Al-anon, Coda, Naranon can help. Please read Codependent No More by Melody Beattie. And all of the posts here than you can. Stickies at the top of this forum. Best to you and your boys. Hugs.
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 6,047
mama you sound like a dynamic woman caught in a difficult situation. Right now he's draining you, and it doesn't look like he'll change anytime soon. His job situation's not necessarily linked to his using, so you're going to see a lot more of this if he stays, clean or not.
I think you've already decided what you need to do. Make your plans and don't feel you have to rush if you're not ready. All the best.
I think you've already decided what you need to do. Make your plans and don't feel you have to rush if you're not ready. All the best.
Guest
Join Date: Feb 2015
Posts: 112
I am so sorry for your pain too!
Trust me, porn is a big deal. It can become a dangerous addiction, just like any drug. I knew a man who lost EVERYTHING because of his porn addiction.
I am happy to read that you are seeing a therapist. It took me a long time to realize that being strong and healthy were 2 very different things! We all deserve so much better!!
Trust me, porn is a big deal. It can become a dangerous addiction, just like any drug. I knew a man who lost EVERYTHING because of his porn addiction.
I am happy to read that you are seeing a therapist. It took me a long time to realize that being strong and healthy were 2 very different things! We all deserve so much better!!
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: In a good place
Posts: 4,482
Originally Posted by mamaof3boyz
Growing up in an alcoholic home has made me strong and I tend to endure things that most people would not put up with.
Suppose you want to boil a frog. How do you do it? You could place the frog into a pot of hot water, but as soon as it feels the heat, it will jump out. So, what can you do? Put a pot of cool water on the stove and then add the frog. Not sensing danger the frog will stay. Next, turn the burner on low to slowly heat the water. As the water warms, the frog relaxes. The warmth feels good. As the water gets hotter it acts like a steam bath draining away energy and deepening the frog's relaxation. The frog becomes sleepy and has less and less energy while the water is getting hotter and hotter. By the time the frog realizes its danger, the water is beginning to boil, and it is too late to take action. There is neither time nor energy left to do anything. The frog perishes in the boiling water.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2015
Location: Delray Beach, Florida
Posts: 215
Originally Posted by Chino
I think it made you tolerant. Do you know the parable about the boiled frog? Here you go:
I think this is a very real danger for all of us that lack firm boundaries.
I think this is a very real danger for all of us that lack firm boundaries.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Dallas TX
Posts: 2,282
One thing you wrote that caught my eye. You implied that in the face of
deaths and horrific outcomes, your story is somehow "petty" or subordinate.
It is most definitely NOT the case. By the time things get that far, it is
only a matter of time------all anyone does or says is going to count for
naught. RIGHT HERE & RIGHT NOW is where your decisions carry the
greatest leverage. You have good money coming in-----that soothes my heart!
It's one thing to park your escape jet out front, but is all a facade if there is
no fuel to put in it.
Ah, the endless indignities and cruelties we endure hoping for
a good outcome of addiction. If we saw a rattlesnake in our car seat
when we opened our car door we wouldn't sit down------we'd either
slam the door and run or kill the thing right there and then.
We certainly wouldn't sit down. But we do ----if the snake is
in the form of someone we care about......someone we remembered
from a time before they morphed into a snake.
But fangs are fangs, venom is venom------and all the hope
in the world isn't going to save your fanny when the former injects
the latter into said body part.
deaths and horrific outcomes, your story is somehow "petty" or subordinate.
It is most definitely NOT the case. By the time things get that far, it is
only a matter of time------all anyone does or says is going to count for
naught. RIGHT HERE & RIGHT NOW is where your decisions carry the
greatest leverage. You have good money coming in-----that soothes my heart!
It's one thing to park your escape jet out front, but is all a facade if there is
no fuel to put in it.
Ah, the endless indignities and cruelties we endure hoping for
a good outcome of addiction. If we saw a rattlesnake in our car seat
when we opened our car door we wouldn't sit down------we'd either
slam the door and run or kill the thing right there and then.
We certainly wouldn't sit down. But we do ----if the snake is
in the form of someone we care about......someone we remembered
from a time before they morphed into a snake.
But fangs are fangs, venom is venom------and all the hope
in the world isn't going to save your fanny when the former injects
the latter into said body part.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: California
Posts: 382
You're in a really tough spot. On one side, you love this person and want them to get better and better their life. But on the other side, you can only take so much. It's a hard thing to accept, but you usually can't help those that don't want to help their self. You have to do what is best for you. I hope things get better for you. Keep your head up, things will get better.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2015
Location: Delray Beach, Florida
Posts: 215
Originally Posted by hopeful4
The best prediction of future behavior is past behavior.
Only you can decide how long you can stay on this path.
Many hugs.
Only you can decide how long you can stay on this path.
Many hugs.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2015
Location: Delray Beach, Florida
Posts: 215
Today my husband and I discussed I would not let him drive my boys anywhere in the car on Saturday while I'm working. He was upset and said " eventually you're going to have to let me drive with them in the car" I told him I was not ready for that because in the past, when he was using he drove the kids while high. I told him it will take time before I let him in the car with the boys. He said "I'm fine...I'm not using...I don't want to be stranded here at the house while you're working...it's really hard for me" I told him...really it's hard for you??? What about us? He said I'm acting very distant, that I don't treat him well and I don't even talk to him anymore...which is all true but I wouldn't say that I'm treating him poorly...I'm just angry. Anyway, He proceeded to tell me that I'm the only one in his life that doesn't trust him. He says "my parents trust me, my sisters trust me, but you don't, aren't you going to try to trust me?"
Ugh....
Ugh....
Member
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Houston, TX
Posts: 137
Originally Posted by Vale
He says "my parents trust me, my sisters trust me, but you don't, aren't you going to try to trust me?"
"NO"
"NO"
(ie until I got help to completely change, I would remain oppressed by the addiction. and the same is true of him. it can take years of grueling work, and is not to be taken lightly as if someone can magically change overnight. If I know I wouldn't be able to help myself, I know he couldn't either.)
Member
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 2,684
I am so sorry you're facing all of this, mamaof3boyz. I am sending prayers for you and your family.
I'd stick to my guns and not let him drive the kids. Their well being and safety come first.
Hugs to you.
Originally Posted by mamaof3boyz
Today my husband and I discussed I would not let him drive my boys anywhere in the car on Saturday while I'm working. He was upset and said " eventually you're going to have to let me drive with them in the car" I told him I was not ready for that because in the past, when he was using he drove the kids while high. I told him it will take time before I let him in the car with the boys. He said "I'm fine...I'm not using...I don't want to be stranded here at the house while you're working...it's really hard for me"
Hugs to you.
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