Hell on earth
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Join Date: Nov 2013
Posts: 275
Hell on earth
If there is hell on this earth, I am living in it. AH is a heroin addict. Yes, hello, me again. No, he still is at home and yes, still using, things are worse than ever. He went to 2 rehabs between January and April. Lied that he got a Vivitrol shot in his last rehab and please let him come back early. My dumb as* did. Relapsed same day. Enrolled in day treatment and then IOP. I discovered he lied about vivitrol shot. Started abusing suboxone, a month of hell and finally in May he got his first shot! Yeah! Only he started doing crack and shooting coke. Because apparently you can on Vivitrol. It's been hell since May. Lies, verbal abuse, physical (although he says if he really wanted to hit me, he would have hit hard, he is an ex-boxer). He didn't hit hard, just enough to make me feel like i am nothing. I kick him out, he stays out 1-2 days then crawls back, begging, wining, crying, promising. All this time for some reason he still has a job. Not sure how. Makes very little money. Steals from me. Lies. 3 weeks ago he caught a charge - Grand Larceny. Its his 3rd one in our state and like 8th felony all together. I don't know what can possible happen for him not to go back to jail. He is on his way.
In the middle of all this I finally got him to sign separation agreement, which in my state is a legally binding document. According to which he has to move out by August 7th!!! All I have to do is to NOT LET HIM BACK IN. Call the cops if she shows up. So what he loses his job (because he will if he doesn't go and he can't go if he has no place to sleep). I bailed him out because his mother said that he NEVER skips court. 3K, f it. Let him skip his court, let them find him, the car that he drives is on my name, all I have to do is report it stolen. What is he going to do? Go back to jail and I am free!!!! In january my divorce can become finalized and that's it, no more HELL.
Because it is hell. For me and for my kids. Pure hell. I am not detached. I check his every move, phone, GPS, track him, Jesus, what a loser.
Sorry, I had to vent. He is again gone. All I have to do is dial 911 when he shows up and let the cards fall where they will. And never ever look back, right?
In the middle of all this I finally got him to sign separation agreement, which in my state is a legally binding document. According to which he has to move out by August 7th!!! All I have to do is to NOT LET HIM BACK IN. Call the cops if she shows up. So what he loses his job (because he will if he doesn't go and he can't go if he has no place to sleep). I bailed him out because his mother said that he NEVER skips court. 3K, f it. Let him skip his court, let them find him, the car that he drives is on my name, all I have to do is report it stolen. What is he going to do? Go back to jail and I am free!!!! In january my divorce can become finalized and that's it, no more HELL.
Because it is hell. For me and for my kids. Pure hell. I am not detached. I check his every move, phone, GPS, track him, Jesus, what a loser.
Sorry, I had to vent. He is again gone. All I have to do is dial 911 when he shows up and let the cards fall where they will. And never ever look back, right?
Curmudgeon, Electrical Engineer, Guitar God Wannabe
Join Date: Jan 2012
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GD...
I'm so, so sorry that you have to go through this. You're right. It is hell on earth.
This is interesting:
Well, that depends. Sometimes looking back is helpful in terms of learning from past experiences, provided you actually want to learn from them. As such, that's incompatible with:
What's to be gained from this? What's the point of torturing yourself like that? It's not like you can stop him from doing what he does, because nothing and no one can do that.
Sometimes we have to do things we don't want to do. Like detach. And that's because the alternative -- -- is no longer feasible or healthy. You don't need permission to detach. Just do it.
I'm so, so sorry that you have to go through this. You're right. It is hell on earth.
This is interesting:
And never ever look back, right?
I am not detached. I check his every move, phone, GPS, track him, Jesus, what a loser.
Sometimes we have to do things we don't want to do. Like detach. And that's because the alternative --
I check his every move, phone, GPS, track him
Member
Join Date: Jul 2015
Posts: 58
Right!!! Run for your life!
Avoid him as much as you can, and stop bothering to track him unless you are doing it for your own safety. Cut as much contact as you possibly can. Block his number if you have to. He is toxic and you're too good for this crap! Good luck and stay strong!!! He isn't worth your time or energy!
Avoid him as much as you can, and stop bothering to track him unless you are doing it for your own safety. Cut as much contact as you possibly can. Block his number if you have to. He is toxic and you're too good for this crap! Good luck and stay strong!!! He isn't worth your time or energy!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2013
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Thank you guys! I don't know why I check. For what? I am not a bad looking, relatively healthy, educated, kind, smart, funny, almost 40 year old woman. I support him, and myself, and my kids who are from a previous marriage. I don't need him for anything.
Maybe it's some form of a mental illness - if I check, then I know what's REALLY going on and I have control? But control over what? Over mental illness of a sick person who is addicted to heroin, prison bird, loser with no future
Maybe this time I can call the cops? Or wait it out? Initial hearing is on Oct 7th, then a month later or so court. 3rd grand larceny is a guaranteed jail, as he has no $ for a lawyer and I am not paying this time. Just wait it out? If he is on crack and has no money, he is going to commit another grand larceny pretty soon or worse...
Maybe it's some form of a mental illness - if I check, then I know what's REALLY going on and I have control? But control over what? Over mental illness of a sick person who is addicted to heroin, prison bird, loser with no future
Maybe this time I can call the cops? Or wait it out? Initial hearing is on Oct 7th, then a month later or so court. 3rd grand larceny is a guaranteed jail, as he has no $ for a lawyer and I am not paying this time. Just wait it out? If he is on crack and has no money, he is going to commit another grand larceny pretty soon or worse...
Member
Join Date: Jul 2015
Posts: 58
I'd say so as little as you can get away with... You aren't going to be ok until you are removed from this insanity. Go no contact if you have to. Don't go to the hearing. He has chosen his path and he has to walk it alone. Take care of yourself, do what you actually feel like you want to do, and protect yourself and your sanity by cutting the tether and running as far away as you can! You will be surprised how much better you will feel once you stop involving yourself with all the crazy stuff that goes on in an addicts life.
Good luck and stay strong! You are too successful and have worked too hard to be dealing with all this drama!
Good luck and stay strong! You are too successful and have worked too hard to be dealing with all this drama!
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Mmmmmm
Posts: 3,178
Hello Glitterdeva,
You sound like you've had enough. Some people describe codependency as being addicted to relationships. If you haven't read Codependent No More, it might fill a few evenings rather than tracking your addict. It really helped me keep some boundaries. Another thing it is pretty open about is people who have relationships with addicts have a way of picking another one. You want to change and learn enough from this go round so it doesn't happen to you again...
Peace to you!
You sound like you've had enough. Some people describe codependency as being addicted to relationships. If you haven't read Codependent No More, it might fill a few evenings rather than tracking your addict. It really helped me keep some boundaries. Another thing it is pretty open about is people who have relationships with addicts have a way of picking another one. You want to change and learn enough from this go round so it doesn't happen to you again...
Peace to you!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2013
Posts: 275
He crawled in high out of his mind yesterday at around 4 am. I started screaming that I will call the cops, please leave, GTFO, etc. He sat on the couch, looking just pale and half dead and said, call the cops, I need to go to jail. And I just couldn't you guys. I don't know why, not because of love or some good feeling, because I just felt pity. I just left and went to sleep. He is supposed to leave today, but I highly doubt it. I threw away most of his chit, its literally on the ground in front of the house. I don't know why I can't just call, WHY? Why do I pity this man? I opened his car and there is a large box and a piece of paper indicating that he had a freaking TV in a car and whole bunch of hangers. Which means he was on a stealing spree. Pathetic...
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Join Date: Nov 2014
Location: Canada
Posts: 87
You know this already, but I'm going to say it anyway - he needs to face the consequences of his actions. Only Mr. Glitterdeva can save himself.
Oh and you know this one too - let go & let God. Yup. This is out of your hands. You threaten him, but then you don't follow through. So, don't bother threatening him, and don't bother kicking him out if you will let him back again. Nothing changes if nothing changes.
It's much, much easier said than done, but try to silence your heart and let your smart brain handle this one. You know you're better than this! Hugs & prayers <3
PS - do your kids see this stuff?
Oh and you know this one too - let go & let God. Yup. This is out of your hands. You threaten him, but then you don't follow through. So, don't bother threatening him, and don't bother kicking him out if you will let him back again. Nothing changes if nothing changes.
It's much, much easier said than done, but try to silence your heart and let your smart brain handle this one. You know you're better than this! Hugs & prayers <3
PS - do your kids see this stuff?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2013
Posts: 275
Originally Posted by BlackSabbath 
You know this already, but I'm going to say it anyway - he needs to face the consequences of his actions. Only Mr. Glitterdeva can save himself.
Oh and you know this one too - let go & let God. Yup. This is out of your hands. You threaten him, but then you don't follow through. So, don't bother threatening him, and don't bother kicking him out if you will let him back again. Nothing changes if nothing changes.
It's much, much easier said than done, but try to silence your heart and let your smart brain handle this one. You know you're better than this! Hugs & prayers <3
PS - do your kids see this stuff?
Oh and you know this one too - let go & let God. Yup. This is out of your hands. You threaten him, but then you don't follow through. So, don't bother threatening him, and don't bother kicking him out if you will let him back again. Nothing changes if nothing changes.
It's much, much easier said than done, but try to silence your heart and let your smart brain handle this one. You know you're better than this! Hugs & prayers <3
PS - do your kids see this stuff?
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: USA
Posts: 574
My ABF's ex girlfriend racked up 9 felonies, she has never served one day in jail. Justice system has pity even for heroin liars. Her children would have been so much better off if she was away from the home. They would be with responsible people (family) that aren't drug addicted.
Eventually you will realize that this mess is filling something inside of you. Until you wake up and see that you don't need this. Or you find fear for your life or your children's lives. Tragedy is usually the catalyst. Please follow thru because you want your children to know what a devoted and loving mom you are. Not someone who depends on a drug addict to give her what she wants. We all know about the break up / make up drama. Rescuing people who don't really want to be rescued. They want someone to take care of them because they choose not to. Dying in a drug induced haze.
Do you really want to keep this in their lives ?
Eventually you will realize that this mess is filling something inside of you. Until you wake up and see that you don't need this. Or you find fear for your life or your children's lives. Tragedy is usually the catalyst. Please follow thru because you want your children to know what a devoted and loving mom you are. Not someone who depends on a drug addict to give her what she wants. We all know about the break up / make up drama. Rescuing people who don't really want to be rescued. They want someone to take care of them because they choose not to. Dying in a drug induced haze.
Do you really want to keep this in their lives ?
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Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
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Glitter, at this point, you are going to have to take charge of YOUR OWN actions. Babe, you are addicted to HIM. You know this I think. Stop with the pity, these are his actions, and he is going to have to face the consequences. He is terrible to you, and always has been. Pick up the phone, call the police. Going to jail might just be the one thing to actually save his life if he is this bad.
You need him away from you...forever. You need to be able to stop with the obsession you have for him, and focus on you, and what is healthy for you and your kids. Are you in counseling GD? If not, get thyself there. Call the hotline, they can recommend someone, likely for free.
Babe, we love you. You know that. We are here for you and you will not have to do this on your own.
Stay strong my friend. XXX
You need him away from you...forever. You need to be able to stop with the obsession you have for him, and focus on you, and what is healthy for you and your kids. Are you in counseling GD? If not, get thyself there. Call the hotline, they can recommend someone, likely for free.
Babe, we love you. You know that. We are here for you and you will not have to do this on your own.
Stay strong my friend. XXX
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
Pity is not love. Pity can be cruel and destroys.
That’s the difference between pity and compassion: Pity just feels sorry! Compassion does something about it.
How about you turn that pity into compassion for yourself and do something about it. Otherwise this pity thing will eat you alive and destroy more of your self –worth.
You are not doing him or you any favors by NOT calling the police.
That’s the difference between pity and compassion: Pity just feels sorry! Compassion does something about it.
How about you turn that pity into compassion for yourself and do something about it. Otherwise this pity thing will eat you alive and destroy more of your self –worth.
You are not doing him or you any favors by NOT calling the police.
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Join Date: Sep 2013
Posts: 845
It took me a few months of no contact from my AXBF before I started to feel genuinely off the drama coaster and more on an even keel, and before I could see how unmanageable my life had become. I had to start on the no contact on faith that things would get better. And eventually, they did.
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Join Date: Jun 2015
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glitter, I am sorry to hear what you are going through. Certainly does sound like living hell. However, I am confused. Your husband has a right to be in his home. Until marital assets are divided by court judgment upon divorce, he can live in the marital home. I am also concerned about reporting a car stolen if it is a marital asset. Was this car purchased after you got married? Do you live in a community property state? I just don't want to see you making false police reports or anything like that.
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Originally Posted by alterity
glitter, I am sorry to hear what you are going through. Certainly does sound like living hell. However, I am confused. Your husband has a right to be in his home. Until marital assets are divided by court judgment upon divorce, he can live in the marital home. I am also concerned about reporting a car stolen if it is a marital asset. Was this car purchased after you got married? Do you live in a community property state? I just don't want to see you making false police reports or anything like that.
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No one is suggesting she put her family in danger. I am just speaking about the law regarding his rights to inhabit his home and to drive a car which he probably owns (unless it was purchased prior to marriage and the state is not a community property state).
If the OP is concerned about her safety at home, a restraining order might be in order. Then, police can decide how to enforce that in regard to the residence. Sometimes, when a property is co-owned and a restraining order is in place, the police will tell the parties to stay away from each other as much as possible while simultaneously on the premises. Sometimes, the police will order one to leave the property but will tell the other to cooperate with allowing the removed party to visit at scheduled times when the property is vacant, &c.
If he co-owns the car, then reporting it stolen would be a false report.
If the OP is concerned about her safety at home, a restraining order might be in order. Then, police can decide how to enforce that in regard to the residence. Sometimes, when a property is co-owned and a restraining order is in place, the police will tell the parties to stay away from each other as much as possible while simultaneously on the premises. Sometimes, the police will order one to leave the property but will tell the other to cooperate with allowing the removed party to visit at scheduled times when the property is vacant, &c.
If he co-owns the car, then reporting it stolen would be a false report.
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Join Date: Jun 2015
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Originally Posted by cece1960
I have to disagree here. A right to assets is different than a right to put your family in danger. Not to mention the possibility of drugs and/or use in the home. The police can decide what is reportable. Thoughts like this can have a partner hiding in the shadows afraid to get help.
Not quite sure how police can decide what people report, ex post facto. Besides, reportability wasn't an issue I raised, but false reporting can often escalate conflict. Hence, my concern.
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Originally Posted by alterity
P.S. Re: drugs at home. Call the police.
Not quite sure how police can decide what people report, ex post facto. Besides, reportability wasn't an issue I raised, but false reporting can often escalate conflict. Hence, my concern.
Not quite sure how police can decide what people report, ex post facto. Besides, reportability wasn't an issue I raised, but false reporting can often escalate conflict. Hence, my concern.
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