Two years and he's back. This mom needs help!
 

What to do? I need help. My adult son walked out two years ago. We finally stood our ground and refused to help him any longer. Through the grapevine we have heard he is still out there using. Presently he is homeless living on the street and, as you can guess, he emailed us. Telling me he is sorry, he is sober, he loves us. Once again, I'm broken ! I know I can't believe a word he says, but I'm conflicted about what to do. Do I reply? What do I say? I no longer attend Alanon. My life had become calm without him and his addiction. Please five me some advice.
Thank you for all your help

Is there harm in seeing him somewhere neutral--a cafe or restaurant? I don't know you situation, but if it was me and two years had passed, I would sure want to lay my eyes on him. Give yourself some time to figure it out. Consider going to a meeting. Check in with your heart and own personal wisdom. I wish you all the best. I hope he is sober and ready to commit to it!

Thank you Garden Mama for your reply. I have had contact with his wife and she has thrown him out and is divorcing him. She tells me he has not been sober since his release from jail a month ago. He, of course, writes that he is sober and is not using. He also writes that he has been hospitalized during this past month receiving " shock therapy." Of course, who to believe, that is the question. My son is 42 and has been an addict for the past 22 years. He has been in rehab 10-12 times, hospitalized for overdoses and suicide attempt and be incarcerated many times over these past 22 years. This journey is a tragic one and has me completely worn out. I enabled for a long, long, long time, until I quit and he walked away. My gut tells me he wants something from me, but my heart tells me I love him and want to let him know I care. I wish I had a magic wand that I could wave and reveal what I should do.

Oh, Leftover, I am sorry to hear all of your painful history with your son. I can understand now why you'd be hesitant to see him and yet know the love you are hardwired to have as a mother. I wish I had a magic wand to loan you! Instead, I send a big hug and the power to discern what the best outcome would be, given all that you know and all that you don't. Take care.

Many hugs and much strength to you no matter what you decide. We are always here for you!

XXX

Well through many tears I came to my decision. In my heart I knew that I could not ignore his email. I would never forgive myself if tomorrow or next week or next month, I got word that he had died and that I had not told him I loved him, prayed for him and thought of him everyday. So I did just that. Three short sentences. This may open up a flood gate of request for help which I will deal with. I realize that his email was written out of desperation and was, in some way, an attempt to manipulate me. I'm strong now and will not fall for that. He heard me say "I love you" and that is all that matters to me.

I think you made the right decision. Stay strong. <3

If it makes any difference, or helps you feel better, I would have absolutely done the very same thing. You are strong--no need to worry about caving or regressing--just trust your heart and it will all work out. Love to you from another momma who's walked on this journey, too.

Thanks so much GardenMama. But I could have saved so many tears and tons of angst if you had just told me that in the beginning. JUST KIDDING!!! I keep thinking..... because I have lived this nightmare for so long.....making decisions should be easier. Again, thank you so much for believing in me and encouraging me.

Leftover, my son has been missing, lost in his addiction for well over 10 years now, I stopped counting. But I know that if I heard from him today I would do exactly what you did, reassure him that he is loved and suggest he call the people who can really help and reach out...meetings, Salvation Army Rehab, detox (there is no medical cost in Canada).

Your story sounds much like mine, years and years of rehabs and letting him come home only for it to turn out badly every time, enabling (yes, I enabled for far too long, mostly with good intentions but enabling none the less). In the end I was the one who got so sick that I lost sight of my life and how bad things were.

I have been in recovery for probably 15 years now, went to meetings for over 10 years and I come here and practice my 12 step program every day.

What works best is that I pray every morning and give the care of my son to God, then I live in faith the rest of the day that God can do for him what I cannot.

Life is short, please live yours well, regardless of how your son lives his. You didn't cause it, can't control it and can't cure it. He will when he is ready and not a moment before.

Hugs from my heart to yours.

Thank you Ann for your support. It's hard for me to understand how these men continue to survive. I've prepared for the worst for a long time now. I too have given my son to God. Visually I wrapped him in a fluffy white blanket and handed him over in prayer. To some this may sound cookoo, but for me, this brought me immense peace. I too have been a grateful member of Alanon for many years. Through prayer, practice and personal relationships, I have found some peace. But as moms, we are hard-wired to want to save our children from harm and ultimate death. The sick fear is still always deep inside me.

My life is happy and full of beautiful moments with loving family. I am able to continue to live with gratitude for what I'm blessed to have. I have done all I can and more than I should for my son and how he lives his life now is entirely up to him.

I pray that before our lives are over, we hear wonderful news about our boys.....that they are healthy and happy.

From one healing heart to another.
Be well my friend!

And this is why we hate the addiction, and not the addict. He knows that no matter what his choices are, he is loved. I would have done the same.

Much love and many hugs! XXX

Leftover! OMG...I cannot believe what I am reading! I am in the exact situation. My son is also 42 years, has been addicted to drugs for over 22 years, has been in rehab countless times and has been incarcerated many times due to drugs and has attempted suicide several times. It's like I'm looking in the mirror! He is in jail now and I'm waiting for him to get out this October. I just don't know what I'm gonna do, because I know it will be a repeat of all the other times even though he is making me all these promises. I am worn out also. I just don't think I can do this anymore. Just don't know what I'm gonna do when he gets out. He is planning to come here and live with me.

My dear Lovelife, why are you considering allowing him to live with you? If you know the same things will happen when he is released, why not consider doing something different? I finally learned that there was NOTHING, ABAOLUTLY NOTHING that I could do, say , or provide that was going to affect the outcome of my Son's life. He is a grown man and how he must live now, because of his addiction, is his choice. You are worrying what you are 'going to do when he gets out'. Shouldn't HE be worrying about what he is going to do? As long as you give him a comfy spot to land, he will never stand on his own two feet. He's a grown man not a juvenile. Let him own his manhood. He may fail, but that will be his choice. I know these are difficult decisions, because I made those decisions myself. I dove my Nate to the Rescue Mission when he showed up and needed a place to stay. I watched him leave my house two years age when I refused to allow him to stay. You are not alone in this struggle. We mothers are hard-wired to want to save them. You can not. He must save himself.

You and your son will forever be in my prayers. From this mom to you. Xxx

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:Hugs to all you strong ladies.

Just because you detach from the addict doesn't mean you have to detach from loving your son. IF you feel strong enough to follow through on no financial help. Email back. Tell him you pray he is getting sober and that you love him.

Your are so right Ileana. I think that is what makes detachment so difficult for mother's. The bond with our children is nearly impossible to weaken. Detachment seems like a complete severing of that bond. But over time, we realize the detachment is from the addiction not from the loved one. I have said over and over to myself and to my Nate, " I will no longer participate in your addiction." I have other children who lead normal, sober lives. When they ask for help I willingly give it to them. The help they need is not the result of an addiction. When my son needs help it is always the result of his addiction. So, there you have it.........detachment is not helping the addict with anything he should do himself. Love him.....hate the addiction!

Leftover, Your post brought tears to my eyes. That took a lot of strength to reply. I am reminded of when my B called me over and over and over again from jail when he was arrested a few years back, calling my phone collect to ask me to bail him out. I listened to the calls coming in but did not pick up. It was the hardest emotional thing I have ever done.

My plan is that I am going to pick my son up from jail when he is released in October. I will bring him home and then I am taking him to the Salvation Army program. I have already checked into that and hopefully they can help him. I know that I can't.

Oh, Lovelife, I wish you immense strength and confidence. Taking him and leaving him at the Salvation Army will be such a test. Once I took my son to The Rescue Mission. He was loaded, had spent the day tearing through the woods somewhere, dripping sweat and passing out when he finally arrived on my doorstep. He begged to be allowed to shower and just sleep . No chance. The next morning I called The Mission and he was gone. For many days I didn't know where he was and was frantic. He finally showed up and was rescued by his girlfriend. Again another soft place to land and someone to enable his addiction.
I hope you are able to stick to your guns and let this man take care of himself and his addiction. Remember you did not cause it and you can't cure it. Good luck and be sure to let me know how it goes. From this mother's heart to yours.